I consistently come across others discussing the dichotomy between being the proverbial jerk or the all-loving nice guy. The nice guy never wins; the jerk is well a jerk. The ladies seem to be indifferent or oblivious to this quite obvious personality flaw in the jerk. But, instead of pursuing this as being an issue of jerks vs. nice guys, I'd rather explore this matter as one concerning attractive and unattractive behavior.
Reasons are many when it comes to why people have a tendency to pursue others who are, by all accounts, not very nice people. This, of course, applies to both men and women. It is just as common for men to date bitches as it is for women to date assholes. [So, please don't read anything into my exclusive use of certain genders; it is purely for convenience.] The most common interpretation of this behavior is the he-is-nice-to-me explanation.
Although Mr. Jerk is an ass to everyone else, he is still sweet and kind to me. And, thus he believes I am special and for whatever reason I deserve this treatment. Although this might explain to a certain degree why women end up with the not-so-nice types, it doesn't really explain how they are able to get the girl's attention in the first place, 'cause chances are, the jerk treated her in a similarly poor fashion when they first met (not calling, not returning texts, last minute date plans etc.)
So what's the real reason? It boils down to a lifetime of social engineering.
There are a couple of well known realities about human behavior and marketing. This applies to not only to products and things but also people. They are as follows:
1. People naturally value and desire things that are limited in availability.
2. Once a person completely gets what he or she wants the draw towards that thing diminishes.
3. People naturally perceive things earned as being more valuable then things given.
The first of these realities is frequently seen in mass marketing, especially during the holiday season. Nintendo has recently admitted to purposely shorting the supply of the Wii in order to create demand. DeBeers with diamonds and Tyco with the infamous Tickle Me Elmo have all been accused of such behavior and have seen great success among consumers.
The second of these observations is simple and self-explanatory. I want an A on my paper; I get an A on my paper. Do I still want an A on my paper? No, because I already got it and chances are I won't lose it. And finally, we tend to place value on things in which we've had to work hard to get. And inversely we tend to abuse privileges which are free. Simple enough, right?
Now how does all this relate to attractive and unattractive behavior among jerks and nice guys? Well, you see, the nice guys have a tendency to be too available and are willing to be there for the girl at a heartbeat. In this budding relationship the girl has, in essence, already achieved her goal with little effort; frankly, nothing she does can cause her to lose him.
Additionally, nice guys have a habit of being too generous with their money, time and love all too soon, thereby devaluing the effort. This all equates to behavior that does not promote attraction; in fact, it's rather counter-attractive. Jerks naturally avoid this type of unattractive behavior because of their personality flaws. Ironic, isn't it?
You will often hear people proclaim that they don't play games. Unfortunately this is likely not a conscious choice. Just like guys aren't conscious of being too available, girls aren't always conscious of their reaction to guys who are. However, there is hope for the nice guy after all. The jerk might get the girl at first but fortunately he rarely keeps her. On the other hand, although it might take a little time and not to mention some "training" the nice guy will eventually find a girl and more importantly he will keep her.
Does this make sense? Is this why girls go after jerks?
Comments (78)
well, his mom said he was nice.
sounds about right :]
I agree.
Nice guys are too available - it's suffocating sometimes. But I don't go after jerks either - cause well, they're jerks.
I'm looking for my happy medium. I'll probably be looking for a while..
But the post did make a lot of sense. We do value things we have to work for. It also goes with liking the chase.
Truth. But I'm dating a nice guy. I'm making the drama, so in a way we're working to earn the relationship.
i couldn't have said it better =)
and since you have 'economics' tagged:
opportunity cost: the cost of something if what you have to give up in order to attain (time, pride, and ultimately your own happiness).
Here is the point where you convince yourself of being "too invested" to walk out of a (less than ideal )relationship.
Haha, agreed. I also find that jerks seem a bit more masculine and dependent, whereas nice guys are just... I don't know the words. XD But I like jerks. [x
@abcxunt@xanga - I know what you're talking about!
I have always found that nice guys are normally very about their nice guy status. I am not going to date a nice guy just because he is a nice guy, and certainly not because he continues to insist that he's a nice guy.
I like confidence, and unfortunately, a lot of nice guys are not very confident with themselves. Of course, that goes the other way, too: jerks are often too confident.
This is yet another area in life where happy mediums are the perfect solution.
Great post!
generally speaking, you are exactly right. i, however, am an exception to this because i am ONLY attracted to the good guys. jerks are the biggest turn off to me. i also hate the self-proclaimed "nice guys" who are really jerks in disguise... those are the worst!
I agree completely and wrote something similar a while ago =)
I laughed at one part, because it's so true.
My friend, which is now my boyfriend, was such a jerk to me when we first met, and for some reason, I had a crush on him, and I couldn't tell if he had a crush on me. In the end he did like me, and now BAM, we're together, and now he's been so sweet to me. I ask him why he's being so nice to me now, and it's true, he does see something special about me, and I guess it what makes me go blahhh, like get away from me. haha cause I don't have to do anything now, he just does things for me, and I'm like...okay. It is weird, I'd rather work hard to earn his niceness, other than him already offering it to me.
hmmmm, I agree. I've found myself liking nice guys - but not nearly as much as I'm drawn to jerks. Like I tell my friends, apparently my type is asshole. I don't know why. I mean, not CONSTANT jerk. But some of the behavior, even if it's not outright jerk, tends to make the guy seem like one. Idk. I am drawn to guys who give me a chase, I guess. Which could imply, based on the circumstance, that they're jerks.
If that made any sense whatsoever.
I think you definitely have a point.
I also think that some people pursue jerks because they seem more interesting personality-wise than the stereotypical "nice" guy. They seem more exciting, definitely.
I think, though, to bolster your points more, you could define what you mean by "jerks" and "nice" people.
That does make sense, although I'm really not attracted to jerks. (really.) You might also factor in, for girls who date assholes at least, that people are attracted to people who emulate their parent of the opposite sex. So if some girl's dad is a jerk, even if she hates him, she'll probably end up going for some jerk.
Nice guys eliminate the chase because they are already there for you. We go after jerks because there is a chase there (no matter how much we claim we don't like it) and we go after them in hopes of being that one special girl that makes him change his player ways and love her and only her. But most times this is not a realistic strategy and we end up with a bruised heart, and the guys ego only inflates more.
I don't really like jerks, but nice guys bother me too. I've had my share of nice guys and I hate how much influence I have. I guess more specifically I don't like pushovers, and there are certainly nice guys like that. When a girl gets involved with a jerk, she thinks that it must be worth a fight to win him over, and it makes her feel better about herself. It's like buying a limited edition of a CD instead of just the regular one--even if the limited edition has nothing extra and simply looks different, people go for it and put in extra money just so they can say that they have what other people don't have.
how about..after a while they turn into a jerk O_o
The chase is what makes the jerk so enticing. There is no chase to the nice guy, so girls (me personally) are most likely to go for the one who is harder to obtain. Even though I know a good guy is better for me, I am a fellow jerk-chaser.
well im guilty with this, but not to the full extent. i go for the jerks well because they take make the move first than most of the goodie-to-shoe guys that i know. they are more upfront on what they want. the good ones are either to shy or just to nerdy that they prefer to hang out with their friends and play video games more than to go out with the girl.
While this may be number 38910029384556 when it comes to posts about women and jerks, this is probably the best one that's been posted yet.
In any case, jerks will be jerks, bitches will be bitches, and nice people will be walked all over. No one wants to play games, but we all end up doing it anyway. Jerk or not, when the chase is over, people have a tendency to make a choice in their best interest as opposed to finding the hardest way to fuck themself over.
@lissssa2000@xanga - Omg yes, a lot of nice guys are jerks in disguise. Most of the time - the jerk falls for a girl and treats her like a queen. But it's the nice guy that's so polite and sweet that ends up cheating on her.
Oh, sweet irony.
Sometimes. Sometimes the jerks play the nice guys first and then show their true forms.
Because most jerks are ex-nice guys. A guy who feels he's been walked on and screwed over will often finally feel that the only solution to save himself is to become what he hates most. It's the whole "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em," situation.
Well, I think it depends on the situation to be completely honest. Cause my current love interest is impossibly nice and protective, however he claims to not be nice. And perhaps he isn't to everyone, but I've never seen a negative side of him really. He's different, but he's a lot like me personality wise. Which matters to me far more than availability, whether it's 'easy' to win him, etc. I'm more concerned about finding personality and beliefs that matches and attraction, which I found both with this particular one.
the nice guy doesn't always end up last. sometimes, he wins. and sometimes, he always wins.