So I have gone out with this girl a couple of times and chatted with her on the phone on several occasions. I have decided that I do not want to pursue a relationship with her for several reasons.
1) I am not attracted to her. Why did I go out and talk to her to begin with? As nice as I was trying to be, I didn't want to be shallow. She seemed like a nice person so I wanted to give her a chance and maybe a connection would spark, which leads to 2.
2) There is no connection. With all the women I have been interested in the past I have always had this eagerness to call them and talk to them. I never felt that way with her. We talked on a few occasions but they weren't the "all night" and insightful chats that I have experienced beforehand. I don't get the butterflies to talk to her or see her. We have few common interests. And when I am with her I don't feel as if my time with her is better than time being by myself.
3) Our schedules don't work. She works graveyard and I work mid-day to evening. She is also on call on the weekends. On top of that she lives a good 30 mins away when traffic is good.
I have chatted with her off and on since our last date, but it is drawing out. I am trying to find a way to tell her, but all I am ending up with is the cliché "you are nice, but I think we should just be friends," which is truly how I feel.
My coworker (who is male) said I should just be honest about it; once I am done saying it, I should just walk away - if she wants to be friends, that's her decision. I have asked some of my female friends what a guy could say if he just wanted to be friends, and both were stumped. One suggested just being polite but direct. The second friend suggested I tell a white lie about it - maybe suggesting I wasn't ready for commitment. This won't work in our situation because we've specifically had a discussion about commitment. I have always felt it's important to be honest, and I think it's better for people to be direct about dating rather than to let people worry over it. I know people tend to just ignore the person until they get the hint. Although that might be an alternative, it is something I prefer not to do.
It reminds me of something Donald Trump said in regards to firing people. He says he has tried being the nice guy, the understanding guy, the direct guy and the angry guy. It doesn't matter how you say or do it; in the end, you are the bad guy because you have to fire someone. I feel as if no matter what I do, the result will still be the same. I have always considered myself a nice guy, but this seems like one of the occasions where I have to be a bad guy.
Is there a nice way to reject someone so they won't be hurt . . . and if so, does it require lying or leaving someone hanging? I'm trying to break this off as smoothly as possible.
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Comments (190)
Definitely don't lie, lying only leads to bigger problems.
Just tell her the truth. I had to help a friend do the exact same thing yesterday, I basically told her to tell him that she really just liked being friends but just didn't want it to go any further than that.
In rejection there is ALWAYS some hurt feelings. All you can do is be as nice as you can and answer any questions she might have, if any.
Don't you hate when people are quiet on the phone?
Saying it and then walking away right after is totally mean. Going it that way, at least give her time so that she can tell you to go away herself.
There isn't really a nice way to reject someone. Rejection hurts no matter how kindly you may attempt to do it. But yeah, I think the honest approach is the easiest for the rejected person to accept in the end.
Well, here's a fair question: were you friends before? And also, do you actually WANT to be friends after? Aside from that... I can't help you...
here is what you do. just tell her exactly how you feel, even as "cliche" as it's going to sound. just mention how she's a cool girl, but you don't feel you have a solid connection. you would be just wasting her time and leading her on by continuing to call, see her, etc.
i think it's a "nice" way of telling her and still getting straigh to the point. you can still walk out as a nice guy, and when you see each other it won't be as awkward (hopefully).
hope this helps!
I had a great guy friend that somehow, just ended up having feelings for me. I didn't feel that way towards him so I just pulled him by the side and told him I needed to talk to him.
This is how it went:
"You're a great guy and all but I think we both are better off as friends. I don't see you in that kind of way and believe me, you deserve someone who will care for you the way you care for her."
It works. We were still friends after that. He appreciated it a lot more that I was straight forward with him and not waste any of his or my time.
Even though it hurts; be honest. But in a nice way. After you reject her, compliment and encourage her on the nice things that guys will find attractive about her.
well, as you said you could start by telling her that you feel like she definately got your attention enough to pursue her, but with her living farand the shifts getting in the way... it really just feel like your friends and that this is the type of vibe you get from her. The NICEST way to end something is to be honest about it, and honestly, what you said really isnt that offensive. (just omit the part about not finding her attractive and your set!)
Yes, Donald Trump definitely has a point. You will just end up being the bad guy if you're the one who "breaks up" something. That's just how it works. It's sad.
You know what I like about this post is, you are aware of how you're feeling. Some of the guys I've been with are just not aware and couldn't care less of their feelings. Well, that's at least how they seemed to me. :-/
Uhm... it's good that you care about not hurting feelings. I think she'd appreciate that if you tell her sooner than later. The truth shall set you free but at first it usually hurts.
So.
If I were you, I'd try this:
"Hey we need to talk. You know we've tried going out and uhm, I think you're really nice. But I think there's a better match for both of us."
That would work for me.
@jeezshoua@xanga - I really like this =)
lol i couldn't help you with that. all i can say honesty is the best whether she ends up liking it or not. but yet she may still hurt or not. And really could you really be friends with someone after that? lol
No white lies. You know, girls are sensitive about it.
Just be polite and direct to tell her your feeling. Be friends only if she wants.
Just be honest. She will probably hate you for it, but she'll hate you less than if you kept dragging this on.
Better to do it now than drag it out. YOU know you're not a bad guy, even though you have to do a tough thing. What WOULD be a bad guy thing, would be not to do what you feel is right.
@jeezshoua@xanga - I'll third that. I like that too.
@jeezshoua@xanga - Agreed. :)
No matter how, the truth still hurt. To be frank, She'll be grateful if you tell the truth now instead of dragging on. Remember be precise and clear. It might hurt for a while but ppl do learn and move on...That's life.
Just tell her. If she can't handle it, that's her own problem - not yours.
I have totally been in a situation exactly like this. Only... I didn't handle it all that great. I knew that I SHOULD just break things off... but I went back to college and used it as an excuse to myself and just kind of started ignoring his phone calls and stuff...
It wasn't very nice. I know. Because he really was a nice guy- there was nothing wrong with him, there was just no connection.
You should NOT follow my example.
Be direct, but polite, of course. Don't lie, and MAKE IT CLEAR that you're not interested now nor in the future, or else you risk leading her on into thinking she'll have a chance down the road if she stays pals. Once you tell her the truth, she'll either walk away or get over it and stay friends (which is possible, because I've done it myself and I'm totally cool with it now). Btw, either way, she may need some space for a while.
as lil' wayne would say, "drop it like it's hot."
Honestly, the Donald Trump quote is right. But see, it depends on her. If you're nice but direct about it, she may get upset. But, hey, that's the best way. Plus, if she has a brain at all, she'd get upset if you told her you just wanted to be friends any other way. On the flip side, she may be one of these really understanding girls who'd be okay with that. It's better to be friends than to be nothing, right? Of course you could also score it lucky, she could have the same feelings toward you as you do for her.
Just be direct and nice about it. Explain it to her. A white lie would make it worse, sugarcoating it to the extreme would make it worse. You don't have a connection, simple as that. :/
"if you were being someone else who had a personality as i described, i would probably like you. but that's great to be yourself, thanks my friend."
as we were chatting, my friend who knew i liked him said that to me. that's almost the first and the sweetest rejection i've ever got.ÂThere is no way to tell her that won't hurt her. Unless she's not into you either. Just say something along the lines of "You're a cool person, but I don't feel that way about you/you're not my type/whatever." As long as you don't insult her, just be honest. (There a difference between saying, "I don't think we have enough in common" and "I don't find you attractive," for instance.)
There's a "nice" way, and that is the polite way, but that doesn't mean you still won't end up the "bad guy." She might be understanding about it, but you're still going to be the guy that broke it off. Of course, and she might not realize it now but, you're doing her a favor. It's better to stop things before she gets too emotionally attached. If you feel like you owe her an explanation, reiterate the things you posted in this blog. They seem like good, rational reasons why the two of you don't fit. Good luck =]
Just tell her how you feel. I was the girl in this situation, and I was very glad he just told me how he felt. It all worked out for the best, though, because now he and I are very good friends.