My boyfriend and I have a great relationship - we've been going out for almost eight months. I'm practically his first love, his first REAL girlfriend, almost his first everything.
Here's the problem: We almost always spend time together, and due to an unfortunate situation I was in, I never wanted to stay at my apartment. So I'd stay at his. What gets me mad is that even before we started dating, or realized that we had feelings for each other, I was ALWAYS at his apartment. He has 3 other roommates, of the time I was close with only 2 of them. The other one moved away and now they have a new roommate.
So I would assume that even though we're dating now, it wouldn't make a difference if I stayed over because I know his roommates, and they're my friends as well. And now since they moved to a newer better apartment, I'm practically over all the time, and I sleep over. He wants me there, so it's not like it's always my idea...nor do I do anything to annoy them.
He spends his time playing WoW while I use their internet and watch TV, which was practically what I did before we started dating.
We don't always have to spend time together, I know. We don't always have to talk on the phone when we're not together and I don't restrict him to the point he can't go out anymore. There are times where he has the opportunity to go out with his friends to eat dinner, go to go to the movies or to a cool party, but he chooses NOT to go.
So what's the problem?
First it was his best friend's friends that had a problem with me. Apparently they don't like me, and I don't know why. And he defends them, but they're not even his friends. Acquaintances. Sometimes it bugs me, though, when he gets defensive over his best friend, like he'd pick her over me anytime. Which makes me angry.
Now, I've partied with his friends back at home - I met them a few times and we're friends on Facebook, but I recently heard that none of them like me. And for what reason? I'm not completely sure but I can tell you from what I heard. And my boyfriend was the one to tell me. They say our relationship isn't a "normal" college relationship.
That pisses me off. Who's to say that about our relationship? They make it seem like it's my fault . . . and they say that he's changed in a bad way. I'd say the only thing that did change is that he doesn't drink as much or go to parties (alcohol is expensive, and roommates don't want to party but chill, and there's practically no parties we hear about over the weekends) And for that change, they think he's not cool anymore. I was furious.
But when my boyfriend told me about it, this is what I said:
"It makes me upset that they would say and do such a thing when they don't even know who I am, or even know what goes on in our relationship, or how we feel for each other. I always thought they were nice, but I guess they have a problem with me. I wouldn't particularly be happy if you were to hang out with them, but I can't stop you.
When I meet people, I don't judge them right away without trying to get to know them. So even though I know now that they don't like me, I can't say that I don't like them because of that. Right now I'm neutral, in between. They haven't done anything else to contribute to their personality, so I can't judge them solely on the fact that THEY don't like me. It's like, I don't like them, but I don't dislike them..."
Which was the right thing to say and do. He even told me that if he heard someone didn't like him for some reason, he'd hate that person too. It's like a chain reaction. They didn't even tell him up front; he apparently either heard it from his best friend or from his roommate.
The other reason why I'm pissed is that they said "normal" college relationship. My interpretation of a normal, healthy relationship includes the following:
Mutual feelings for each other.
Communication.
A high maturity level.
Having people be somewhat serious, if chosen to be.
Benefitting both sides and not being selfish
Trust and honesty
etc.
What's a "normal" college relationship mean to you? Do I have the right to be pissed off?
Recommend
Comments (64)
Meh, you can't expect everyone to like you. And if your boy is seriously considering choosing them over you, then he's not worth your time.
But yeah, I definitely agree with you that ANY normal relationship should have those guideline. I guess his friends think that a college relationship means being fuck buddies, and that's about it. It's their own problem if they don't like how great you guys are together.
Let me see here:
-You spend an obscene amount of time together.
-He picks you over his friends
-His friends dislike you simply because you're his girlfriend...
Yep, sounds like a typical college relationship. Honestly, it sounds more like they are worried that he's going to stop being part of their life because he's got you. I say, just let it go... It's really not a big deal, and they'll work it out amongst themselves.
You spend a lot of time with your boyfriend, and he now turns down party invites and whatnot since he's been with you. Â Not that you did anything wrong, but to his friends, that may make you look like the bad guy.
Oh my God, I am in a similar situation. I recently realised than my boyfriend's flatmates at uni don't really like me, and their justification was that they don't know me. Seriously, that's retarded. If you don't know me, it doesn't mean that you should automatically be hostile towards me just because I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend! ):
People are stupid. Gargh.
u know, friends are always going to have something to say if their friend "changes' (supposedly overnight according to them) or if it seems like he no longer has time to f*ck around or to do the 'old things', and all the blame will fall on you. it always happens.
i think most ppl's idea of a college relationship is like "hooking up" and drinking all the time or fuck buddies. thats cuz most college guys and girls are 'ho''s. shruggs. i dunno about anyone else but ive never subscribed to that. and its sad when ppl dont realize how precious and rare that two ppl have found each other so early on.
dont listen to them...and yet, ur bf should not base his opinions on yours either...if his friends dont like u they dont like you. but thats btwn u and them. he needs to figure out that balance for himself. dont tell him to choose or even be like, "i wouldnt be happy if u were to continue hanging out with them, " cuz that is sorta an indirect way of telling him, "its either THEM OR ME". to do that would be INCREDIBLY UNFAIR on ur part, and in time he will come to resent you. The mature thing to do would be to keep ur relationship separate from what he has with his friends, in the end everyone is happy and who knows, if u two are togehter long enough to prove the test of time, well, they will have no choice but to accept u (which should be good enough)
but if he freely choose to be with u and only u, then so be it.
I agree.. if he picks his friends.. and defends them instead of you.. sounds like he may not be worth your time and hasnt really grown up yet. And so what if his friends don't like you. They are probably just upset and think that you're going to take over your bfs life. Let your boyfriend do what he wants to do and try not to spend SO much time together.. -thats my advice.. dont let it bother you what other people think. because it will only drive you more and more crazy.
You're not being unreasonable, but I guess I understand the choosing his best friend over you, thing; it's not easy to completely disregard your best friend for a significant other. Chicks before dicks, or whatever. Hahah. I don't know how they define a "normal" college relationship, but I'm guessing they expect the two of you to be much more immature. It kind of sounds like they're resenting you for just being around; you and your boyfriend do spend tons of time together, and maybe they think it's weird. Who knows? Good luck! =]
i think theyre just jealous because you have a mature relationship and they are still being immature college students with nothing better to do than get wasted and be jerks.
Normal is defined within the context of the situation. For example, in college, most people are still not sure who they are and what they want to be (or what field they want to work in). So generally, these relationships are short and fleeting unless the person is well-adjusted and knows what they want.
First of all, I talked about this phenomenon in this post, because my friends were the same way, they didn't care for my gf. It has a LOT to do with how they perceive you, and how well they really know you and are friends with you:
http://www.xanga.com/MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio/690093474/gush-omg-my-gf-is-so-emazing/
Second, normal is such a difficult word. I suppose I should take it as the median + 1 standard deviation in both directions of whatever you're asking about, but real life doesn't usually work that way. But I will say this:
Your relationship is surely not the norm. You are the rarity. What you have is a SERIOUS relationship, and even among SERIOUS relationships, you are STILL not the norm. Your relationship is a bit on the clingy side (note: I'm not saying clinginess is one-sided, it may very well be equally because of each of you).
In college, a large chunk of relationships fall into the hookup category. Another large chunk of relationships fall into the casual dating category. A nice small minority of them fall into serious relationships. This is what the numbers say. Statistics.
This isn't entirely surprising, because a serious relationship occupies two people for, say, one year, in which two other people can have 12 month-long casual relationships and 24 hookups. Obviously, you will find dozens of non-serious relationships for every one serious one. This is why "the norm" doesn't mean THAT much.
But let's move on to your second question. Do you have a right to be pissed off? Uh, sure. I'm not going to tell you not to feel what you're feeling. But read my post, maybe it'll explain WHY you're getting that reaction.
You may also want to note, that it is YOUR responsibility to try and WIN over his friends, they are NOT expected to like you. You are the outsider, you are the one 'taking' his time away from them, you are the one causing 'changes' (good or bad) in him. If there are important people in his life that he doesn't want to lose, YOU are the one who should work to have them like you. Like his parents. Like his best friends. Like his SIBLINGS (don't forget siblings). So you can be pissed, because yes, you have a right to feel whatever you feel, but that doesn't mean they don't also have a right to be annoyed, threatened, even concerned. If this bothers BOTH of you, then you both should work on winning over his best friends, and yours. If he doesn't care? Then you don't need to care. But if he does care, there's no room to be proud or selfish here. It's just about results. If you absolutely hate his friends and can't do it, then tell him that. Otherwise, suck it up, bite the bullet, and try and win them over. Make sense?
You seem really defensive. Who cares what these guys say? I don't think some of my boyfriend's friends like me, but I don't care. He doesn't have to hang out with us at the same time. The point is that HE likes me, not them.
You don't have to apart of every aspect and PERSON of his life (and you shouldn't be).
If you're over there all the time, he won't continuously pay you all of his attention. If it bothers you that some of the time he's concentrating his energies elsewhere when you're available, then don't be available all the time. It's really very simple. Instead of getting annoyed when he turns his attention over to WoW or something else, find an excuse to leave. Don't say "you're not paying attention to me so I'm leaving." Tell him you're tired, or you have something to study for, or whatever else is actually true. And go spend your time doing something more productive where you don't feel taken for granted.
I'm just guessing here, but when his "acquaintances" and friends said that you guys don't have a "normal" college relationship (but still, who cares?), I think they might have meant how much time you guys spend together. When I think of college, I think of casual flings and sex, experimenting, doing stupid stuff, just getting everything out of your system- impulses and curiosities, etc. So maybe they think that you guys are too serious and hang out together too much. That of course isn't for them to say, but you can't stop them from saying shit, so get over it. I'm sure you judge other people too. All that matters is if your boyfriend agrees with them. And if he does, then don't be clingy, possessive and time-consuming.
You didn't give details about your boyfriend's perspective, other than making him seem either indifferent or leaning towards your opinion. I know you told him that you "can't stop him" if he hangs out with those friends, even though you don't want him to, I think you should try to not even mention that in the future. Know this: He can hang out with whomever he wants. If you have a problem with it, then it's your problem, not his. Try to be less possessive.
I know after being in a long term relationship how it just naturally seems right to be so, but you really need to take a step back sometimes and realize how your behavior might come off from a 3rd party perspective. And instead of getting angry about it, maybe getting insight on it will be more productive for you.
if he picks them over you hes an ass, dont let them get to you .
if he picks them over you hes an ass, dont let them get to you .
For me, at least, I would HATE it if my roomie's significant other was ALWAYS there. No matter how much I liked the person, that would drive me nuts. I want my own space. I'm sure they do, too. They chose to live with him, NOT with the both of you. And if you aren't chipping in with the power bill or the internet bill, then I doubly understand it. You aren't paying a portion of rent, you aren't paying a portion of the power or the internet bills, but you are there all the time, and it's never just THEM. Basically, you have invaded too much of their space. I live alone now, but when my ex-roomie was in a relationship, her boyfriend was there constantly. I used to walk out of my room and see him coming out of the shower with just a towel, and he'd want to have a convo. I grew up with her boyfriend-I've known him since I was very young, but it still annoyed the piss out of me. I felt like I was a GUEST in my own apartment as the two of them played house. No, thanks. If I wanted to leave my room, I had to be sure I was properly dressed for the day before I could. No walking around in just a t-shirt.
So, at least for his roomies, I completely understand why they have an issue with you. Maybe you two could get your own apartment? And as for telling him you wouldn't particularly like it if he hung out with some of his friends who aren't pleased with you? That's as good as saying "don't do it." Some of my ex's best friends didn't like me. I understood that. Not everyone is going to like me, that's the way it is. But, he could hang out with them. They were friends before I came along. Telling him that you wish he wouldn't hang out with those people is only a good way to get them to resent you more.
Haha, sounds like my life in the past two years. We have been dating on and off for more than two years now. He actually is a very out going person, has tons of friends and used to party a lot. A lot I mean almost every night.
Ever since he got his own studio, I was there every day, or at least 3 days every week. Although he was living with no roommates but it was pretty obvious that he didn't hang out with his friends and party as much as the year before.
Then he moved to an apartment with three other roommates, they didn't really care, neither did I. But I can tell his friends were a bit 'ish because he didn't hang out with them as much anymore.
I never told him that he can't talk to or hang out w/ certain people (of course there are exceptions but they are not males) Sort of the same situation as you, he just decided not to hang out with them as much. I asked him before, and he said he loves the time he spent with me.
Then this year, he was actually friends with all his roommates. Hell, I was actually living in his room for the first half of the year. I can tell they don't like me, but I never really care. As long as they step out of my business and I step out of theirs I am fine.
I never really cared about how his roommates or friends think about our relationship, whether they like me or not. At the end this is our relationship, just the two of us, not the two of us and the rest of the gang. Besides, I made it very clear that he is more than welcome to hang out with his friends and drink with his buddies, and he knows that.
I don't think you should be pissed about it, so what if they don't like you? Are their opinions going to affect how you feel towards your bf?
I don't know if you can define a "normal" relationship.
And as long as their opinions aren't straining your relationship, they shouldn't matter... You don't know them and he doesn't know them well enough for their opinions to mean anything.
He's breaking the bro code.
I say you sound typical.
the normal college relationship? breaking up within 4 weeks.
i'm in college, and my boyfriend and i actually live together. not just like, spending the night all the time. like both of our names are on the lease. and i'd like to think that we have a very normal college relationship. we have all of the guidelines that you outlined, and then some. his friends are just jealous that youre taking up more of his time, and making him into a better person. dont listen to his friends.
It would bug me if my (or if I had any) roommate's significant other was almost over all the time. Like dude, you have a roof over your head somewhere else, please go there. Don't always be coming here to hang out. And please, don't make it a habit to always go hang out at your boyfriend's place. Make it known to him and his roommates that you do have a life outside of their roof.
Next, if his friends and/or roommates don't like you, you are probably doing something wrong that you are unaware of. And when they see you, yes, they are probably putting up a font in front of you.
The picking over his best friend over you anytime would also bug me. But it also depends what kind of conversations or debate you two were having. Maybe he's agreeing with his best friend because he agrees with her point of view of things? Shrugs. Beats me.
Normal college relationship or not, I guess it all depends on how a person interpret the meaning of "normal". Maybe to them, a "normal" relationship isn't being over at your boyfriend's place all the time. Or spending less time together since you two are supposed to be "busy bees" at college. Who knows.
You should ask them to clarify what they mean by that.
Eh...I would say you two spend a tad too much time together. And while it's not all your fault (like you said, he chooses not to go out), as far as his friends can tell, you are the reason he's stopped hanging out with them. So it's natural that they're going to resent you a little, especially if they don't know you well.
You can either ignore it or try to win them over; I wouldn't do the "I'd rather you didn't hang out with them" thing though, it seems a rather passive-aggressive way of not allowing your bf to see his friends (and yes, that's what you're doing when you say things like that, especially if you're going to sulk later).
So --of course you have the right to feel pissed, nobody likes finding out that they're disliked. But I don't think guilting your bf into not hanging out with those people is the best way to deal with it. Instead, by encouraging him to hang out with his friends more or by hanging out with his friends sometime, you'll likely decrease a lot of the resentment they hold towards you. But hey, that's just what I would do. Good luck!
@xxthatsmexx@xanga - yeah, they totally think it's weird. like a foreign language to them that they've never heard of before. lol, my guess is because those girls are hoes and have boy toys all around.
their bf's are way older and have their own lives than to hang out with their immature girlfriends. O: that just wanna party and get drunk and go clubbing all the time.
no offense. i think it's because my boyfriend's a good boyfriend lol.
@SerenaDante@xangai - i mean, he's the type to hear both sides. of course he'll take his friend's opinion into an account, but he does love and care for me, so he's not totally biased in it.
he would have defended me if they said it to his face though.
apparently they're just shit talkers behind backs.
@phoenixBRG@xanga - yeah, it would be unfair on my part.
although, why would he mind it if he said the same thing happened to him with my friends? O:
that's being very hypocritical, yes?
he did mention to me, that he hated my one really good guy friend, and only because my friend doesn't like him (never told me though) but it was obvious...
and if i were to ever hang out with him, he'd get really pissed at me... =\