Daring Online Dater
Hey guys,
Sorry I've been absent for a while. Things were going well, so there was nothing really to blog about. But I'm back so... this means I've been feeling a little frustrated. Actually, I'm ready to give up on the whole enterprise.
So things were going well with the boy I first met a couple months back (Will), except that he's incredibly busy. This is a good thing, but lately, I don't know the difference between Busy Will and Indifferent Will.
He's in the financial field, and I know that right now is the worst time to be in that field. He has to work late and work on weekends, which means we only see each other once a week. Frankly, for me, that's not enough, but I'd feel really bad asking for more time when he has so little time to begin with.
I sympathize with him, but there is a function on the dating site which allows you to check the last time a person logged in. Imagine my surprise when, thinking that after two months we were pretty much exclusive and didn't even need to talk about it, I see that he logged in a day ago. Actually, I checked for a couple of days in a row, and he's been logging on every day.
So he's too busy to talk to me during the week for more than a couple of minutes and he's too busy to see me, but he has time to actively seek other people... every day? He happened to be on the dating site when I was on, so I actually IMed him and said, "Fancy seeing you here!"
He didn't respond, but a day later, e-mailed me from the site, and said, "How's it going?" So now we both are aware that he, well technically we, are trying to date other people, but haven't really talked about it.
I understand the definition of dating is non-exclusivity, talking to several people at once, but I feel the problem with a dating site is that dating becomes a never-ending process because there are always a ton of other options. I tried to follow his example and see someone else, but I got the following winners:
1. "Yeah, I have a kid."
2. "Can you come to my place? I broke my hip and can't move."
3. "I am 57, but age is just a number."
The site went from a bastion of hope to a whirlpool of weirdos. Did I just get really lucky with Will? Was everyone on that site single for a very good reason?
I am having coffee with the most normal person I could find today.
Will and I are strained and need to have a long conversation, but would I seem like I'm pressuring him? To me, two months is enough time to know if you like someone or if you're not interested, but he may be thinking it was super casual all along.
What do you guys think? Has anyone ever had a plateau of bad dating experiences? How did you get over it? Is Will just not that into me?
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Comments (29)
It sounds like he's just not that into you and is keeping you around, but keeping his options open and keeping you around at the same time. I'd just move on, if after 2 months he can't decide to be with only you, I wouldn't wait any longer
Hmmm... well, just because he's logging on doesn't automatically mean he's actively searching for someone. After all, it doesn't say how long he is on during each session, right? Maybe he's checking for messages from you, or maybe he doesn't want to miss a message from someone else should it happen to come along.
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt until I find out the facts.
i've come to the conclusion that guys will always go after what they want so if he was into you, he'd be actively pursuing you and not other people. he may like you, but maybe not enough to make it exclusive or want to spent a lot of time with you. you may just be an option for him, but you should do the same and keep your options oopen to other people on the site and other places as well. it wouldn't hurt to talk to him and ask him about it but don't pressure him or the situation if it feels like it's going nowhere.
Yes, he's just not that into you. That is an extremely accurate statement. However, it doesn't mean that it won't get better. It's a fact that right now he's just not that into you. Accept this. The question is, is it getting better? Or worse? Are the two of you still exploring and finding new things, or stagnant? Might just be time to move on, or date occasionally casually just to have an enjoyable time, but know that you aren't going to end up in a relationship.
As for the plateau of bad dates... just gotta keep moving. Nothing else you can do...
@natalieah731@xanga - he could be actively pursuing you and other people so as a safe fall. Playing the dating game wastes a lot of time,, so "putting all of your eggs in one basket" just might lose all your eggs.
But anyway, I'm giving up as well, too many single mothers.
Also, they always seem to want some old guy ("between the ages of 28-35")
I'd just rather not deal with the trouble.
and how many people actually succeed in finding someone over the internet? probably less thsn what commercials say.
Pick up the book and see the movie "He's just not that into you". This may help
The dating scene is very wild and crazy. It can turn your mind and emotions into mush. I really hope things turn out and I don't oppose you having a discussion with him. It's always good to know where you stand.
doesn't sound like will is much of a "winner".... sounds like a good loser to me. drop him. he's not that into u.
actually, after 4 dates, you should pretty much know whether or not you're going to keep it or toss it. I mean, I do... four dates and still "whaaat?" then there's clearly a communication issue and that happens no matter which stage you're in. After a month of "dating" my (now ex) then guy said "so... are you seeing anyone? because...welll..." and this talk is important. It's not about pressuring the other person in the situation but just to know that both parties are on the same page. If Will felt that you weren't one to settle down in a nice relationship with, then he should at least have said "Im not looking for a girlfriend... I'm just trying to date" and opened up the option for you in the first place. When he doesn't talk about it because he's feeling WHATEVER, it's not fair for you because a) you could get hurt knowing that he's now seeking others and b) you could have been fishing for others. It makes you depend on him for information when the cards should be on the table so that you aren't trying to coax it out of him. It's just overall NOT FAIR.
Which dating site is this and do you pay for it? And it happens...the whole "i have a kid, why is that a prob?" and "age is just a number" I mean, you've set the age range for a reason eh?? You've clicked on "prefer single men without children" and yet you still get ones with little ones (no problem there except if thats not what you're looking for, then that's all that it is). *sigh* good luck!
I'm sorry to say this, but perhaps Will is not that into you. Believe me, I know it hurts to admit this.
So when it happened to me, I just gave more time for myself and then later hopped back on board.
I would have to agree with some of the people here. He's not that into you and is keeping his options open. If you are ok with the idea, then go along with it. If you are not, then maybe you should stop seeing him. If you are not ok with it, talk to him first. It wouldn't hurt to talk to him first then decide if you want to continue just seeing or stop seeing altogether. Good luck!
well, I am trying the whole online dating thing too and I think it's important to let the person know how your feeling is developing or not developing in a timely fashion as to not waste each other's time. I think two months is enough to know rather you want to get serious or not.
I find the whole idea of string someone along as a safety while you're looking for someone else you like better despicable.
Sounds like hes trying to be nice in a roundabout way and blow you off.....u should have a sit down...tell him how u feel...and if he doesnt feel the same way....time to look for the next guy =)
good luck
Online dating is a bit tricky, next time state on your profile that you're only interested in looking for a long term relationship and exclusive dating.
Like all the others have stated, he's just not that into you. If he was, this wouldn't be happening right now. Instead, he would be making time for you and pursuing you as in.. more than just a friend.
With men, you can't just assume that you're automatically exclusive after dating for a certain period of time. You need actual verbal confirmation thru a discussion as to whether you guys will be exclusive or not. And men love to use work as an excuse - no matter how busy, it's always possible to make time to see someone, even for like a 15 minute coffee. So don't make further excuse for him by thinking oh he's bogged down with work so I feel bad asking to see him. Drop the dud, good luck finding a better guy!
Sounds like he doesn't really have time for dating in the first place. He should probably hold off a little until he's more free rather than yank the chains of several other people from the site like he did to you. That's just inconsiderate.
1. "Yeah, I have a kid."
2. "Can you come to my place? I broke my hip and can't move."
3. "I am 57, but age is just a number."
lol... oh my. This definately puts dating via the internet into a poor light...
stop looking on the internet
Honestly, I only met one decent guy on the internet...he happens to be my fiance, but still...just about everyone before that was a little...strange. Even the ones I had actual relationships with ended up being odd. (I'm satisfied that, after four years together, my fiance isn't going to randomly spring some weirdness on me that I haven't already seen and accepted
.) So it is possible to meet the person who's meant for you, but I wouldn't rely solely on online dating. It worked for me, but most people I know end up giving up out of frustration with the freaks and oddballs they find. My advice? Keep yourself on there because it can't hurt, but be super picky. Don't just respond to anybody and do start doing the dating thing outside of the internet, too. Online dating is a good side-thing, but I wouldn't necessarily rely on it solely. Like I said, it worked for me, but beyond that...
Oh, and yeah...even with as busy as Will is, if he wanted to make the time for you, he could. He'd lose sleep or at least send you a real email...something. But talk to him before jumping to conclusions. At least then you'd know and could figure it out from there. Good luck!
-Katie
i just noticed something yesterday also, i met my bf on a dating site and we still occasionally go on there for kicks, at least i do. i know he goes on there to leave comments or read up on blogs etc.
yesterday being bored i went on to see what he leaves on those chatrooms, and most of them were just girls going on there looking for guys '21F looking for older men'. and he replies to those things. i looked at the dates and they were when we are together already. so hes still looking?
he tells me hes lucky to have scored me. but i know hes met other girls on the site before he met me and hes hooked up with a few. i dont know if i should even say anything.
hes the first guy i have met in person from that site, there are just too many creepy guys on there. so i don't know how serious these relationships are suppose to be. we have been together for 3 months and i have to say thats the longest relationship i have been in EVER!
Move on.
I've tried online dating and didn't have much luck.
2 months is a pretty long time for dating even if you are seeing him around once a week. You should really talk to him about the case of exclusivity if you want that. Then you would know an answer straight from him and dont need to go guessing and wondering if he is into you.
I don't think you actually "got lucky" with Will... If you were were supposed to be exclusive and he's checking out other women and such. It's offensive, no matter what, that he shows interest in you and then talks to you very rarely while chatting it up with numerous women.
The internet is a lot like real life in this situation. You're going to have to weed through a lot of people who just aren't good for you before you find somebody who's actually worth your time.
Maybe he logged onto the site to see if you had been logging on to the site. You two just need to discuss where you two are going. If not, dont waste each other time.
If a guy is interested in you, he will make time to see you, regardless of how busy he is.