Thursday, 05 February 2009
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Should You Get Married without Your Parents' Approval?
At 4 in the morning, my phone started ringing - it was one of my best friends, Myra, crying on the other end of the line. From the moment I picked up, it was nothing but drama for an hour.
Myra's eighteen and her boyfriend's seventeen. They've been together ever since the seventh grade, and now they're seniors - that's a pretty long time to have a solid relationship for people our age. I know that they're very much in love, and even though they're too young to get married right now, they're responsible enough, which is why I have no objections.
"I don't know how to tell my dad that I'm getting married next year when he turns eighteen," she said. I couldn't really give her advice, which made me feel bad. Her dad's nice and all, but as he's a single dad, I would expect him to say "no," of course. But then again, she wants her dad to be there when she gets married, so his opinion does matter to him.
She's also an illegal immigrant from Mexico, and marrying her boyfriend would make her legal and able to work. But wanting to marry him has nothing to do with her using him to be a citizen . . . they're in love!
So, how should she tell her dad about this? And if he says no, should she still marry him anyway?
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- From: soopahsushiix3
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Comments (48)
I don't like playing games like "what if".
This is definitely a what if? kind of thing.
I do not think it needs to be worried about until after she has said something to her father. Yes, she does need to tell him. I think that he probably has an idea that they are thinking marriage anyway, parents are smart like that. It doesn't seem like it when you're young though, but they are. They know things. They've been there. I do not think he's going to be surprised, and why would he say no? Unless the guy has a history that the father doesn't like, what reason does he have to say no? If he says no, yes, she should get married anyway (or maybe wait a year or two 'til she's a little bit more mature), however, she is 18, it's her life, her decisions, not her father's. Have to let go sometime.
How to tell her dad? Just tell him. "Dad, I'm sure it's not shock or surprise to you, but [insert boyfriend's name] and I will be getting married when he turns 18 next year." Honestly, he probably already knows or has an idea, unless he lives under a rock. :P
Lol, her dad probably already has figured they're going to be together for ages to come. She should just tell him, and see what his reaction is... I'm sure it'll all be fine. But if it's not, then yeah, she should definitely marry him anyway. Her dad will get over it in time.
I agree that she should ask. And maybe sooner rather than later... maybe even casually ask him like.. hey dad what would you say if 'boyfriend' and i got married? and judge his reaction.
I do also say.. caution... they're still in high school and haven't really entered real life yet. They may want to wait a year or two and see how they fare out in the real world rather than in high school world. No matter how long they've been together, sometimes it doesn't work once you grow up.
If he says no, it's okay to marry anyway. This is because there comes a time in your life when not only will you disagree with your parents (we do that all our lives), but it will BE OKAY to disagree with them, and they need to accept that. Not that they must accept every time you disagree with them, no, even as adults we make poor decisions, but sometimes they should. If they don't accept it, then you agree to disagree and press on forward. This is assuming that you've heard what they had to say and stand by your decision.
As for how to tell him? I'll assume the worst. I'll assume that her father is 1. racist 2. ignorant 3. emotional 4. selfish, etc etc etc.
Assuming he's not also violent and vindictive (in which point you wait until AFTER you've moved out...), you broach the topic slowly. Yes, you walk on rice paper. You broach the subject indirectly. You beat around the bush. You let the idea sink in (note: unless her father likes people who are up front and direct, in that case, the boy should ask for her hand in marriage and be done with it, actually, either way he should, even if she beats around the bush to warm him up to it).
The fact of the matter is, it takes time to acclimate to change, especially when there's negativity associated with that change/decision. Do NOT argue up front. When I told my parents I was 'considering' going to college out of state to be with my then-long-distance girlfriend, my dad EXPLODED. I stood there, calmly, and took it. And then I walked away. No discussion. I waited a few days and told them again. He didn't explode, but he didn't want to talk about it either. I waited a few weeks. We talked about it a little before he became too irrational to continue. I followed this course until he acclimated to the idea. But I helped him along the way with my next point:
Be prepared. Parents will ALWAYS think that they know better than their children and that their children DO NOT THINK THINGS THROUGH and DO NOT SEE ALL CONSEQUENCES. Prove them wrong, and then even if they disagree, they will not FEAR that you are making a malformed decision. In my case, I dropped off a ranking of the school I wanted to go on his desk. Then I found a way to get out-of-state tuition waived (I had to beat 1500 on my SATs, back when it was out of 1600; I did). I did all the research. In the end he did not agree with all of my reasons for going, but he was forced to accept that on those things we would never agree upon, but that I was still making an informed decision, even if he thought it was the wrong one.
Be patient. Agree to disagree on certain points. Don't argue when one or both become irrational. Be prepared. Be firm. Good luck.
18 is way too young to get married. I can respect two young people planning to get married in the future, but future does not mean "a year from now." People change when they get out of school and become independent, when students go to college and distance becomes a factor, when kids grow into adults.
there's no harm in being engaged, or broaching the subject to a parent. But if her father said no, I would listen to him, and wait a while. Parents have an "I know best" attitude because often, they do.
Well, she can just straight out tell him. She can explain the fact that she's in love with him, she can explain the pros and cons. (I'd only explain the cons if I had to prove that I knew what I was talking about, though.) I mean really, even if her father thinks that it's a bad idea, she can still do it. She's eighteen already, he'll be turning eighteen -- It's not like her father will be able to hault the process.
She can just tell him that she'd really want him to be there, to accept her wishes, to give her his own sign of "I hope this works, good luck daughter!"
@soulfuric - I agree. I am not saying you have to be a certain age to get married or anything, and yes it is true that it sounds like a pretty solid relationship and such. But then again, they are only 18, life just began. No one knows what will happen when they turn 20, right? I think it is much better if they are engaged first, think about it for another couple of years, and when they are finally ready (in every way possible) then get married. It's not like either they have to be married NOW or NEVER.
I am not really sure about the relationship between the dad and the daughter, if they are close, why not talk about it first? Maybe he can gives out some advices.
I'm not one to believe in marriage, especially at such a young age, however...
If there was a glimmer of optimisim in me, (and there's really not) I would say, go ahead, marry now, and atleast if it ends in divorice, someone became a citizen.
For those who will dislike me because of the pessimistic streak, hey, atleast I'm telling her to follow her heart.
they/she shud just tell the dad & get it dun with but i dont care how in love they ar marriage iz just dull witted why bother why not live together if ther so in love why iznt that enuf
Who's paying for the wedding? Are they going to still live with their parents? Can they support each other financially and responsibly?
That's only speaking of money. I'm a college student at Biola University, jokingly called the "Bridal Institute of Los Angeles"
I personally know a lot of young couples who really love each other and are actually engaged. However, I know I wouldn't do the same.
I think marriage is too huge a commitment to just take lightly or with the attitude that "we'll make it happen even if people are against us."
Makes for good movies and stories, but usually not in the long run for couples.
18 is really early to think about getting married but she should tell her dad sooner rather than later about wanting to get married. for me, i would not be able to get married without both of my parents approval.
I got married when I was about to turn 20 and I thought it was still way too early for me to get married. If I could turn back around, I would of waited, completed college, get a good career, save up for a bit, and then maybe.. probably think about marriage. But that's just me.
Honestly, I think they both should wait a little while until they say their "I dos.". Get out of high school and experience the college life or if not, reality. Get into the work field and learn how to be independent. Save up financially for a couple of years and then, maybe think about marriage.
I always think it's important for you to get your parents approval. Regardless, (most) family will always be there for you at the end no matter what happens. She should just have a talk with her dad and see where it goes. Being a single dad, I'm sure he would support her but would always caution her if she's making the right decision to marry this young.
Parents only wants best for their children.
Ask your friend how are they going to support themselves when they're married? At 18, one can barely make ends meet with minimum wage let alone being married and responsible for a family of their own. With today's economy, people get laid off left and right, among my friends, who all have a BS degree now can't even support themselves, and having to live on unemployment checks..and these people at some point had a professional career, let alone a person with no college degree whatsoever.
If I had to guess, her dad would object due to the fact that they're too young, inexperience in life and financially unstable. You can't have a solid family with a limited income and live off of your month-to-month pay checks. Once your friend and her bf are financially established, no one will object their marriage. Being in love is a great thing, but they also have to be realistic..marriage is very different and difficult from how everyone has drawn up to be, especially nowadays the divorce rate is 60% with 90% being the reason of having financial problems. So, advise your friend to wait and build on her career first, two-three more years is still not too late.
If she loves her dad, she would listen to him, because for one he's wiser and unconditional love only exists between parents and their children.
@jeezshoua@xanga - you're right on the money!
I'm 25, I have a stable and professional career, and I still dare not to think about marriage. My bf and I are very much in love with each other, but thinking about marriage at this age would make me feel deprive of life. I want to accomplish my dreams and goals before I want to settle down and focus on my family, otherwise I know I'll regret for not having the opportunities to do the things that I wanted to do. Marriage can wait, if two people are meant for each other, they'll be with each other no matter what.
But then that's just me.
you should never get married without your parents' consent especially if they have always had your best interests at heart. after all, they created you (usually) in an act of love.
My boyfriend and I are both eighteen years old and have been together for over three years. We too are very much in love, but I personally feel that we are too young to get married right now.
It sounds like they do not currently work, since she is not yet a citizen? In that case, why would you want to get married if you do not have a job, money, etc.? This is why my boyfriend and I are not married. We are in college and cannot afford to live on our own. And we do not want to be married and living with his parents. Well, we already live with his parents, but it would suck if we still did while married.
I think she needs to talk to her father. There are other ways of becoming a citizen, besides getting married. It would be more responsible of them to wait until they are older. Not only for what I have said above, but because they have not yet dealt with married things. This includes paying taxes, paying bills, financial situations, dealing with arguments in a rational way, etc. What I mean is, they are too young to make a decision that is meant for someone who has been out in the "real world" for a while. Once they experience adult life, they should then get married.
Just because you are a legal adult (18) doesn't necessarily mean that you are ready to get married ya know?
lol. I don't care how long they've been going out, you change a lot in college and even then, you might still be changing afterward. So if I was to give her any advice it would be dont even start thinking of marriage right now. It all sounds kinda crazy.
So me, marriage is a personal choice, while I personally cant see myself marrying someone my family hates, I wont stop someone else that would. Though I would give them I told you so when everything blew up.
Trust me when I say 1. its not a good idea to get married behind your parents backs ESPECIALLY if the parent(s) don't like the S.O.
2. It isn't a good idea to get married so young in the first place. Don't care what you think or say, 18 is young and rarely ever does it work out that way.
***If you've read this, given her the advice, and she still doesn't wanna take it, then tell her to simply bring up that she might have been thinking that it would be a good idea to get married to whatever-his-name-is JUST to get the citizenship, and add that the fact they've been dating for 6 or so odd years would help them back up their story of 'being in love' and help their marriage look credible. And make it seem as if she's been thinking of this ONLY for her citizenship. Please be warned this is only a 'break the ice' type of move and I really don't think its a good idea either way.
they should be engaged for a couple of years, like until they're 24 or 25. 18 is too young. divorce is extremely damaging emotionally and finnacially, so it's not something to do "spur of the moment."
if the relationship works while they're engaged, then there's a good chance it'll work when they're married.
no one should get married, period.
No one should be held back from marrying someone they love because of their parents' disapproval. Only, I think they're waaay too young to commit to marriage. It won't always be butterflies and fairytales after all.
There comes a point in time when asking your parents' permission is just silly. Getting married is one of those times. I understand there is a respect thing going on, but if the couple in question is truly committed to each other, than nothing should stop that.
I was 19 when I got married to my husband. Were my parents happy? Heck no! I told them in April what our plans were and we got married in August of that same year. They have come to respect our decision, and love him very much as a son-in-law. This doesn't work for everyone, but it can work.
We've been happily married for 3 years, and planning on trying to start getting pregnant with our first baby next year. We've both almost completed our degrees, and we are on the right track with careers. It can be done, and it can be done successfully!
She needs to just come out and say it, and it will be better if it happens sooner. She will need his support, and in more ways than one.
There's no point in asking, why ask its not like the father is gonna be part of the marriage. She just needs o inform him. As long as they r responsible enough and they have thought about it, then they just need to inform their parents that's all.
Her father might have the parental freaking out, you know his daughter is getting married, fathers tend to have an emotional break down for their "lil girls". Tell your friend that as long as she respectfully informs her father, she will be fine.
@soulfuric - i completely agree! When you are young you may THINK you are in love, but when you are in a relationship a lot of times it's hard to tell the difference between hormones and something beyond the physical.
plus marriage is soooo much more than just love. we're taught the very WRONG picture about how marriage is all about love and romance and the ever after, but when you are living with someone you're committed to for life and juggling your time with kids and work and a spouse...romance is probably not that high on the list of things.
just being in love isn't enough.
marriage is about the possibility of having children, providing for them, etc. etc. plus it is a LIFECHANGING AND A LIFETIME DECISION, a forever.
her dad as a parent would have the experience and knowledge to share with her. she should definitely talk to him--how would she know or think she knows better than her dad when she's never been married or have kids? he's been there, done that, and his advice and judgment is valuable.
a forever is too long to be with someone who you later realize, only too late, that it was a mistake. a decision as important as marriage should not be taken lightly. if they really love each other, what's the rush? if it is a love that is strong enough, they can wait a few years until they are mature enough to realize the implications of marriage.