Miss Double ShotMy former roommate and I caught up yesterday after about a year of not seeing each other - a lot had changed for both of us, and her first news for me was, "I dumped Mike!"
Mike was the guy she was dating the last time I talked to her - he named his cat Opie after opium, was a regular drug user on probation (they wanted to go on vacation but couldn't leave the state because he would have been arrested on the spot) and treated her horribly. I tried to be supportive of her endeavors while they were dating because she was so enamored with him, but when she told me that she'd dumped him, I was glad - she doesn't deserve to be treated that way and I knew she could do better than him.
If your friend was dating someone you didn't like and you didn't express your distaste until they broke up, does that make you a hypocrite or a supportive friend?
Comments (78)
This is a hard question to answer. I find that unless you're IN a relationship, it is impossible to know what goes on in that relationship.
Therefore, the best you can be is a supportive friend who advises and counsels them the best you can. No-one can know what goes on in a person's heart, and no-one can tell someone how their heart should run.
By all means, let your friend know AFTER the relationship how crazy and nuts she was to be with that person, but let them know WHY so that (hopefully) she'll be able to see the same signs next time around and she learns from it.
My fiancee's last relationship was similar to that, and she was shocked and hurt after it ended to be told by so many people that they were glad that they broke up. It gave her many insights that she took forward into her relationships.
p.s. yay, first! XP
I express my distaste, just not constantly. I'd mention it once or twice, maybe, but then that'd be it. Otherwise, I'm just there for her, being supportive and whatnot
It's definitely good to tell your friend how you feel about her boyfriend, because that's being supportive of her. However, don't push her into dumping him if she doesn't want to... That's being annoying. If someone's really that bad, your friend will realize it eventually =) Which she did. And I'm happy for that.
Btw, that pic has been used so many times on datingish. Lol.
I've mentioned it, but I've never really pressed the issue. I'll support them as long as I know, or don't suspect, that it's abusive on any level.
I think it's okay to express your dislike for him, but don't go all out and list every bad quality, I think that would hurt more to hear later on what a complete loser she was with. Plus should they get back together, it'd be extremely awkward.
By all means though, go on and tell her she's better off without him. Even list a *few* reasons. It's always comforting to hear after a break up that you are supported by friends.
My best friend knows I dont like her boyfriend. Her boyfriend also happens to be my boyfriend's best friend... anyways, he doesn't like me either, both my boyfriend and my best friend know this and we are perfectly fine. We dont ALL have to just get along. If I didn't say anything I would still be hanging out with the "four of us" and uncomfortable. Now they know so I can see my best friend when I want and my boyfriend when I want. Not all of us together..
Soooooo, this is difficult. The best advice I can give is to 1. know your friend and 2. if you want to criticize, keep it as action oriented as possible. NEVER ATTACK THE PERSON.
Here's what I'm saying:
"I don't like the fact that he's a drug user." = WRONG, being a drug user is part of who he is, this is an attack on him
"I don't like the fact that he takes drugs" = Better, it is a very small leap for this to sound the same as the first one, but it's better
"I don't like guys who do cocaine" = Lateral, you ARE attacking him, by virtue of attacking a group he is a part of. It's an indirect attack on his character
"I don't like how he gets really angry when he drinks" = Even better, it's a generality, but it's specific to a particular set of actions he does and how it effects him/her
"It really upset me that time he got really drunk and called you names/hit you/broke things/stormed out" = BEST. You are expressing how YOU FELT in response to something he DIRECTLY did. You've taken something that occurred and given your honest reaction to it, and have made no judgment on either his action or his person.
When you want to criticize someone or something that is going to be very sensitive, you want to try and internalize things to yourself as much as possible. "I felt scared for you." "It upset me that he upset you." "I felt offended that he would say that". By associating someone's actions to your feelings, you have moved from stating it as if the world is judging to personalizing it to how you felt. And how you feel is legitimate, remember? If your friend gets offended, he/she is disrespecting/disgarding how YOU feel, and that's not right. You are neither telling your friend how to feel, nor judging their SO's actions.
I don't think it makes you a hypocrite.
Most of the time your friends are blinded by the person they are dating and wont listen to you anyway.
I went through something like this.
My ex bestfriend was dating a guy that was way older than her, into drugs, was very controling, treated her very badly and dated other girls besides her.
I told her what I thought about the whole thing and she wouldn't listen. Our friendship ended over it because I just couldn't stand to just sit there and watch her lose her mind. [She got heavy into drug use along with him and his other "girlfriends" ]
She's still getting abused by him to this day.
It's almost been two years.
I had one of my friends express their dislike for my boyfriend and it bothered me because you want your friends to like your SO. The reasons for not liking him though was more of personalities clashing than anything he actually did. They got over it though.
That's a tough one to answer.
If they asked me my opinion, I would tell them the truth, but perhaps sugar-coat it a little between my brain and my mouth.
If she didn't ask, I'd assume she either didn't wanna know, or already knew and just didn't want me to confirm it, so I wouldn't speak up.
It's really not your place to give your opinion unless she asks for it.
Honestly, people need to make their own mistakes. If you criticize or make suggestions, chances are it'll go in one ear and out the other. So, let them fall and get back up again. It's just part of life.
If it's a good friend and he really does suck (it's not just a personal vendetta or anything), then I think you should mention it. However, mention it in a nice, non-judgmental way and after that, let it go. Constantly harping on her or bad-mouthing him won't help the situation--she has to come to the decision on her own that he's no good.
I had that same experience. I just really disliked the guy my friend was dating, but I couldn't tell her that because I know that she really really likes him; and I'm afraid that if I tell her that, she would be offended. All I can do was be supportive with her.
my friend didn't tell me that they didn't like my boyfriend ~ not until we broke up ...
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - yeah..
i agree with you, but still..
i will attack everything. =)
because it's true. and like i said.. i will say everything. i don't like how he's rude. how he yells at you. how he hits you. controls you. how he uses drugs. how he pressures you into taking drugs. i don't like that he's a dick. i don't like the fact that he doesn't know how to work his dick
LOL JK!
If I noticed that he / she was treating my friend like crap, after a while I would bring the subject up. But in my opinion it wouldn't be my business. They're the ones dating them, they're the ones in the relationship, they're the ones who're staying in it no matter what happens. I'd ask them about how they feel about all of that, but only because I'd want them to know that I'm there to support them if they need to get it off their chest.
But really, I'd do my best to stay out of it. It's none of my business. If one of my friends were to tell me that they didn't like my boyfriend, I wouldn't care; I'd listen to them, I'd hear them, but their opinion wouldn't change anything.
tell them. if you were the girl, you wouldn't want to hear it, but at least you'd be aware of what your friends think. the person in the relationship is blinded by "love" Open their eyes.
I kind of feel this way about a friend of mine. She's been with this guy for about a year & a half and I haven't cared for him from day one. I don't know if it's just his personality or what. But, he never acknowledges me when I'm over at their place, and he just seems controlling. When I first met him, I told her that I really didn't like him because he acted like I didn't exist. Then, after awhile, I started to get used to him but now I feel like he's controlling and just not the type of person she should be with. But, I don't really know how to tell her this since they're pretty serious. *shrug*
I used to LOATHE my best friend's bf. She and I live together, so he is always around. I finally talked to her about it, but I was very careful about how I told her. I said things like "I don't like that he says ___" or "it makes me uncomfortable/ angry/ etc when ____".
It turned out that some of his bad behavior stemmed from a previous relationship ending badly. She had some of the same concerns, but had been unsure how to approach him about it. I was able to help her, and they have since worked through their issues, and I have come to be friends with her bf.
Anyway, I think that it is good to tell your friend, but in a constructive way, not in a "your bf is loser" way.
If you think your friend's boyfriend is unhealthy for her or treats her bad, you should tell her. Some people just don't get bad vibes from other people, especially when they're infatuated with them. They're your friend, and you should be looking out for them. It's kind of the "they'll hate you for it at the time, but thank you for it later" kind of thing. And I'd rather lose a friend for telling the truth than to lose one because I never spoke up.
... wow, I'm like always in this situation. One of my best friends is literally a druggie magnet and if she wasn't such a sweet girl I would've bitch slapped some sense into her. She falls for people way too hard and too fast.Â
I threw a fit the last time she moaned about her sadistic pot-smoking ex-boyfriend, and she says if that's the only way she could listen to me, then go ahead. But I've never done it since. I just feel bad.
"If your friend was dating someone you didn't like and you didn't
express your distaste until they broke up, does that make you a
hypocrite or a supportive friend?"
I don't think the answer is limited to being either a hypocrite or a supportive friend.
All shenanigans aside, if a close friend of mine started even talking to a girl I didn't like I would let him know. I'd tell him my reasons and let him know my outside perspective.
Unless there were unforeseeable problems that could not have been avoided by entirely not dating somebody, I believe that your close friends and family's advice is very important.
Oh that's an easy one.
YES.
And I would also tell her/him why I didn't like their boyfriend/girlfriend.
^.^
you can put supportive and friend together in one sentence?
damn. one does learn something new everyday.
maybe it makes you both, but more supportive than a hypocrite.