Monday, 02 February 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Are Our Values Too Different?
I have been with my current BF for almost two years. And while it might seem like it's too early to make any decisions, I've thought of him as my future husband for a while now. We have such a great time together - we laugh about things no one else understands, we can be completely silly in front of each other and I am so comfortable being myself in front of him (and I'm confident that he feels the same way).
We talk a lot about issues that are important to us, like our views on religion or philosophical issues. These talks usually turned into debates because our views are just so different. However, I never had a problem with it because I accept that we just think differently on certain issues. I even think it's kind of fun to have these debates with him.
Recently, though, I've been thinking more and more that maybe we are TOO different. We have really different values and I am starting to realize that this isn't what I want in a serious relationship. For example, when it comes to religion, I am Catholic and he is an atheist. I have never thought of converting him, but in the back of my mind, I know that I want a husband who is Catholic, too. He is very pessimistic while I am more optimistic. I look at challenges as an opportunity while he looks at them as an obstacle. And just yesterday, we had a huge fight about our values on life. He thinks all lives are equal (human, dogs, spiders, whatever), while I value human life more than that of anything else (if I have to choose, I would save a human before I save a dog). When I try to understand the way he thinks by asking questions, he thinks I am attacking his values and trying to prove I am right by finding contradictions in the way he thinks.
I don't know what to do. He is such a great guy and we love each other so much. On the one hand, I know I am happiest when I am with him. But on the other hand, I don't know if I should be with someone who thinks so differently than me. I am too scared to break up with him because I am afraid of letting go of the happiest times I know and I still love him so much.
I told him how I feel about this, and now we are "on a break". I said I would call him when I am done thinking...but I don't know what to think. What should I do?
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Comments (40)
It just depends on what things you're willing to bend on. If him being of a different religion from you poses a problem, then you can talk to him about it -- maybe find a middle point of which you could both stay together but keep your opinions. You don't necessarily have to get out of the relationship just because you have different values.
On the values you disagree on, it depends on how important they are to you. It depends on if he's willing to do some things to make you feel better, and if you're willing to do some things to make him feel better about that in return.
I think it'd be horrible to throw a relationship, that seems so well off thus far, away just because of a few differences.
So, if I were you, I'd try to find a middle point to where you could both meet on some things. If you go to Church, maybe you could get him to go to Church with you every once in a while; and then maybe you could do something for him just as important. You know, middle ground.
I'm Catholic, and trust me, that's not what makes me a good (or bad) husband.
theres nothing wrong with differences
but if you guys can't agree on anything
then there is going to be a problem
and if one of you guys aren't willing to change your views or acceptance of certain topics
it won't work out.
To me this sounds like two good friends trying to make a relationship work. The things you speak of remind me of best friends more than husband and wife. The love of a best friend can easily be as powerful as the love of a partner. And as easily blinding.
Think about this...
While it is true...Opposites do attract and sometimes can make for amazing relationships... It can also be a tough ride.
Your instinct will know when a person is not right for you. Sometimes we just fail to recognize it because we are so blinded by great sex.. money.. looks.. and even the comfort of normality. Like.. Becoming comfortable in a situation and having the fear of change.
If you find yourself arguing all the time... Instead of embracing each others values and accepting them... Then it is time to move on.
But honestly..If being catholic is SO important to you...Why would you still be with an atheist anyhow? So... I think... Basically this goes deeper than religous values and wether or not Fido or John gets saved first...
Seems like you might need to find yourself before you can live a life with another. And I mean this in a positive and friendly way.
dump him soundz to me az tho yer lookin forran xcuse but b4 you do that i shud menshun my grandparentz agreed on almost nuthing starting with relijun & moving up the ladder frum ther they wer together for 50yrz & wer very muchin love i think you shud go with yer heart if yer able to read it clearly
I agree with the finding yourself comment. Once you accept and understand your core values, everything else will fall into place. :)
I can see you disagreeing on things like the value of life among species and respecting each other's opinions. I mean, is that something that is essential for you to agree with in your relationship? Is it essential for both of you to agree whether the cup is half full or half empty? Or do these differences add up to a relationship that's just not going to work? I don't know, that's for you to ask yourself. I think you need to find some common ground and go from there instead of letting heated debates define your relationship. If that doesn't work then maybe it's time to let go.
im a bit like that too, im christian (only because i was raised that way), hes atheist. im pessimistic hes optimistic.
we have our differences, he likes cricket and blows me off to watch cricket, not always but sometimes. hes white, im asian therefore lots of things are different obviously but the most important things is..
there is no right or wrong in a relationship, only compromise.
Personally, it doesn't seem to me like this is about your differing values or opinions; it seems to have more to do with poor conversation. "When I try to understand the way he thinks by asking questions, he thinks I am attacking his values and trying to prove I am right by finding contradictions in the way he thinks."This is the problem.
You can live with differing opinions -- I've seen it happen -- but you can only live that way if you are respecting each other's beliefs as fully as you can and trying to understand each other and why those beliefs are valid for each of you. And it will not work if only one of you wants to make it work. You both have to make it work. What you need to do is make sure your questions are just questions aimed at better understanding him and don't carry any hidden agenda. You need to be perfectly content with the possibility that his views and beliefs may not change. And then, if he still comes at you feeling like you're attacking him and you know for a fact that you aren't (this could be a defense mechanism of sorts, on his part) then I think you need to move on. It really requires joint effort to make progress -- if only one of you is willing to make it, you're doomed to failure.
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Also, sometimes it's useful to state your age in a post like this. These feelings and questions would be completely different for a 28-year-old female than an 18-year-old female. Not that the two individuals are too dissimilar or that the relationships are that different (in fact, I'm always the first to point out similarities where people see differences) but the societal influences would be a lot different. The older you are, the easier it is to think of the relationship you're in as "the" relationship and fear the end of it (fear being alone). The fear of unknown future relationships, and being alone until you find someone better, becomes far scarier and far more daunting the older that you are. Don't let fear keep you paralyzed in a relationship you don't want to be in.
Only you can know if this relationship is what's right for you.
i read the first sentence... "two years ... future husband ... told him."
i couldnt finish and i know what happened already. men are err...scared about marriage? haha im not sure thats even qualified as analyzing this submission but yeah. i really dont think 'overwhelming' men like that is a good thing. (remember - their brains cant process much ; ) KIDDING!) but really...think about it the opposite way. if he was asking all these questions to you, would you be calm about it? or would you get a little...curious. (and dont lie because thats bs.)
just my suggestion.
What can you think about? You can think about what it is you're looking for in a potential husband. Put thoughts about your boyfriend aside and think about what kind of qualities are most important to you. For some people, sharing the same religious beliefs is important--but WHY is it important? It is it because your beliefs about God are important to your life, or is it because you just want to save the trouble of getting in a fight with him over it?
You also have to think about why you love your bf. Is there something special about him that you feel no one else has? Is that something special so important that you would be willing to accept everything that you don't like? Consider what your priorities are, and what your preferences are. Your priorities are what you must have in a person, and you will not accept that person if they are missing one of those qualities. Perferences are simply what you wish to have in a person, but can accept them anyway even if they don't have it. If you need to make a list for each category, that's fine. But think very carefully about each quality that you write down. You don't want to list something as a quality you can do without, only to find out later that you actually DO need that quality.
Sometimes we have to let go of people that we love a lot, if things just aren't working. If you decide that you want to break up with him completely, you have to do it without any regrets, worries, or fears.
I don't see why you need a copy of yourself to marry.
I'll have to agree with jfmichael. Your heart knows what it wants it's just the matter of telling your mind that. It is a very hard situation and a lot of us have been in. Yes you might love him and see him as your future husband...but do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Having kids? Would you satisfied with all of this? Does he make you into a better person?
It's okay to have differences all relationships do...but when it comes to relationships its okay to be picky. Try to make a list of pro's and cons of the relationship. I'm a list person and that helps me sort out any issues...sometimes its best to write them out and actually physically look at them.
Goodluck dear!!! Tell us all how it goes
I don't think it's really a problem. Every person has different values.
Just like my boyfriend I, for example. He's an atheist while I'm a christian. He also believes in equality within everyone and I think the same as you.
We've discussed it, and we have different values. Which, at times, can annoy each other.
But overall, if you love each other and have tons of fun. I really don't see the point of breaking up.
You guys just need to... adapt or maybe accept the fact that you both have different values.
My husband and I are complete opposite.
I'm a Christian. He's traditional. I'm an individual. He's a sociable person. I'm a stay at home type. He loves to go out. I'm quiet. He's talkative. I'm a neat freak. He makes mess. I go with the flow. He plans his life. And the list continues.
How do we work out our marriage?
We compromised. Learn how to adapt to one another lifestyle. Be open minded. And most importantly, accept who they are and respect their religion-value-differences in life.
Ask yourself if you can be in a long term commitment with him and give up some of the things you value? Or will you find happiness elsewhere and still keep your values?
Sometimes letting go is hard but that might be the best decision you make.
You should think about what kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You'll probably be with him EVERY day and will be together in many situations. & if you're ever going to have kids, what kind of a father they'll be.
maybe you should weigh out which is more serious.... your love for him or your differences.
Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love
does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong
but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things. Love never ends.
=]
I think you should try to figure out if you're afraid because you really ARE too different, or if you've been told that you need a life mate that's exactly like you. If religion isn't an obstacle in your relationship, and if your different views don't do anything more than spark some friendly debates, I don't see any problem with it.
I know that I, raised in a Christian family, was taught that I should be paired with a guy who believed that which I did, blah blah blah.
Since then, I changed my views. You might too. Who knows?
Best of luck
im in the same exact situation. im christian, he is like... a mix between buddhist and nothing at all (lol), and our values are completely different, and we have been together for 2 years now, and we're on a break now too lol. ive been thinking a lot too and feel the same way you feel about how we care about each other but we're really different... and recently im thinking this relationship is gonna be over prettyyy soon. lol
You need to be single for 2 years. Strengthen up yourself before jumping into things like relationships. Right now you are far too weak to hold your own. Your type will probably end up with someone abusive and you'll rationalize it by saying "you have the best times with him when he's happy." It's not too late to change. And stop dating men for the specific purpose of marrying them.
there's nothing wrong with differences
Well, if you're so convinced you want a Catholic husband, then you're the only one that's stopping you. But it sounds like you love him too much to let something like that get in the way. Don't think of all these things as differences, think of them as a insight. If the two of you love each other that much, I think you can work past these things. If you don't think you can do it, then you're only wasting time on a relationship you've already given up on.
Honestly, love isn't everything. The problems that you see in your relationship now will only be magnified if you stay together, and especially if you get married. Take some serious stock in your relationship, and figure out exactly what it is you want. If it turns out that it's not him, it's time to move on.
@misswonderj@xanga - Heh, that's what I was thinking.
My boyfriend is an Athiest and I am not. We've been together for 3 years because we don't let my religious views come between us. It's a personal choice that I made on my own, and I respect his own views even though I don't agree with them.
@xthread@xanga - agreed.
Ask yourself this: would your future-husband want to raise the kids atheist, or let you raise them Catholic? Who's views would be taught? Both at the same time? (that option can turn out some really messed up people, in my humble experience.)
If you are seriously Catholic and don't believe in birth control (or divorce), you might ask yourself this question rather sooner in the marriage than later. Both of you could end up resenting the other over your different values, to the disadvantage of your children.
You both might be able to work it out and work through it; but if you have kids, that job will be so much more difficult.
Honestly, unless God showed up on his doorstep and told him to be a Catholic, I doubt your guy would change. Atheists are much harder sells than agnostics.
You can love someone all day long, but it can still hurt you all the same. Love is important, but if someone is making you miserable, it can be poisonous too.
you have to give and take in a relationship. no relationships are perfect theres always disagreements and agreements .. i guess u just really have to find yourself like u said. figure out whats more important to you