Monday, 02 February 2009
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My Boyfriend Is Giving Me Up for Lent
My boyfriend and I are both very religious. He's Roman Catholic and I'm Lutheran, so immediately, our religions clash. We've both made the decision to remain virgins until we're married…but we are allowed to fool around in other ways. With Lent season approaching, we were discussing what he is going to give up (for those who don't know, for Lent you're supposed to give up something you enjoy so you can experience Jesus' suffering).Initially, we were talking about giving up some of our favorite foods, but my boyfriend said he didn't feel it was fair as he is on a diet already. So I mentioned that it could be something other than food, like no video games or something. Then he had an idea: "I know. It's perfect. I'm giving up you for Lent."
I was, like, "excuse me?" His response was that he was still going to be with me, but we can't do anything more than kiss for the 40 days of Lent.
I'm really bummed about it, and although I completely respect his religion and his decisions, I feel that this is unfair toward me. Our anniversary AND my birthday fall in the season of Lent…so I'm really not a fan of this decision. When I mentioned that, he gave me his standard "our relationship is more than being physical and I thought you respected me and my religion more than that" response.
Opinions? Suggestions? Should I just wait it out and deal with it? I'm really torn and hurt. I don't know what to do.
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Comments (412)
that's pretty ridiculous. I mean he's willing to give you up so easily. I'd be royally pissed and I'd definitely give him more than my 2 cents.
I can respect your religion and I see that, but that's more than nt fair to you. I mean you don't even have a choice in it. I say either try and convince him to give something else up or give up something he really loves about you to make it even.
If he's giving you up does that mean no more dates? or hanging out? holding hands? things like that. Because if he's REALLY dedicated he'd go the whole distance and not the whole way.
If you guys got married would he give you up on that Lent and say "oh hey we're not married right now cuz it's lent and all so I'll see you in 40 days"
retarded!
This sounds a lot like the movie "40 Days and 40 Nights" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0243736/). I don't remember all the details, but the jist of the movie is that the main character has to give up all sexual advances for the 40 days and nights. While this sounds like a totally difficult task to complete, the "sex scenes" in this movie are totally arousing.
I think it's great that you are being respectful, but I do understand where you're coming from. Definitely check out this movie with your man - you two can get ideas on how to occupy your time other than being sexual with each other.
What is really cool about taking the physical aspect out of your relationship is that you'll be reminded on what about his personality makes your heart jump.. and that's what the Valentine's season is all about, anyway.
And if you're still not convinced.. just think about it this way: just imagine how great doing the other things will feel on Easter!
You relationship should definitely be more than just the physical, and of course you should respect his religion and personal decisions.
I think he should have taken you into consideration for this, because it technically forces you to give him up as well. That takes care of deciding what to give up, but if you wanted to give up something else it's a bit of a double-whammy. Which is perfectly fine if you want to do that, I suppose, but not exactly ideal.
HOWEVER, it's just the same as deciding not to take a physical relationship to a certain level. If he doesn't want to do anything more than kiss for a while, that is completely his decision (and if you didn't want to do anything more than kiss, it would be completely your decision).
I don't think you can probably convince him otherwise, and the point of Lent IS to give up something you love... so this could be taken as proof that he cherishes his relationship with you. :) Take what you can and run with it, muahaha.
@GiantUnicorn@xanga She said they'll still hang out but not go any further than kissing. So he's not "really giving her up".
I think if you love him, you need to just respect him. Lent is only 40 days. I mean, I would be annoyed and hurt too. But to me, religion is so much more important than the physical aspect of a relationship. He's not giving you up for good, just these 40 days so he can work on his relationship with God. Maybe you can use this for you and your life as well. You know?
His response was that he was still going to be with me, but we can't do anything more than kiss for the 40 days of Lent.
That's a good idea if you both still wants to remain 'virgin' until you two get married.
I say: Compromise or suck it up.
40 days will go by fast.
ure not even supposed to be doing stuff like that anyhows...
and ure kinda being selfish. if ure serious about his faith, then let him grow in how he thinks he should. maybe god will use this time to draw u guys in closer than u could have ever thought.
Wow....he sounds like a jerk. I respect religion a great deal, but I don't think that the people you love should have to suffer because of it. I mean, the idea of Lent goes along with his idea I suppose, because he's going to suffer, but that sucks. But if you're not ok with it, you should try to explain that to him in the nicest way you can, so that he doesn't feel like he's being attacked. If he feels that way, he probably won't listen to you.
Deal with it! I think you'll be closer in the end anyway, a relationship is about communication, not just "fooling around".@Sirius_Fan_Girl@xanga -Yeah, what she said! :P
go kosher.
Both of you should respect each other and your decisions. If he chooses to do that, then that's his decision, but personally I don't think that's right. He could be giving up other things that won't hurt your feelings in any way. The purpose of lent is to show your dedication in one way or other.
Your religion playing this much into your relationship is kind of questionable. I don't really understand that you save yourselves and sex until marriage, but you can fool around? That doesn't make sense.
Besides that, I'd dump his ass if he chose to abstain from me for lent.
wows, everyones saying the same thing, but i think he sounds really mean. i mean, i keep lent too, nd i think it's very important, but i think giving a person up sounds kind of selfish, like they're property or something...oh weel, idk.
If he's still going to be with you, what's the big deal? When I read this title I thought he wasn't going to see you for 40 days (that'd be a big no-no), but if he doesn't want to do anything more than kissing, I don't get the problem...
If you really love the person, then you should just be happy to spend time around him. You can go back to whatever you've been up to after this time period is up. You might actually appreciate it even more.
@pandasp0ts@xanga - then that's a half ass commitment to what Lent is all about. That's like giving up Chocolate but still having chocolate here and there. So it's cheating. So if he's cheating both God and her.
First off, that is not the object of Lent. Your BF is perverting the point. When you get right down to it, the point is to bring you closer to God, so spending 40 days thinking about doing whatever it is you guys do is not going to accomplish that. I mean, I can understand being "Yes chocolate!!" or "Video games again WOOP!!" on Easter, but "Yes, now I can cop a feel!!"? Totally counterproductive, religiously speaking.
Me and my BF are Christians, so I understand how religion can impact a relationship, but he is taking it too far.
"Our relationship is more than being physical and I thought you respected me and my religion more than that"
Frankly, this is crap. If he could just give you up so easily with no regard for your feelings, he obviously just doesn't like you as much as you think he does, and the whole "respected me and and my religion" thing is just a cop-out.
A friend of mine was in a similiar situation to yours and, after a few weeks of her BF avoiding her and generally being a jerk, he broke up with her because he "needed to get right with God" and she was a "distraction". What he really meant was, "I'm too chicken to break up with you myself, so I'm gonna use God as an excuse so you can't be mad at me."
Your BF is doing exactly the same thing and your relationship will not work if he is throwing you under the bus for the sake of his own religious satisfaction.
Ask him why he is giving you up, and hopefully his response will be something like, " I love you." I think he is doing this for you, in a weird way.
I think you should stay with him and be patient and wait it out together. It sucks i completley understand where you coming from about having no sex for a while but if you love him I think you should just hang in there. You guys can now see what your relationship is really about without all the sex. And actually do other things and you'll probably learn more about each other then. Go for it girl do it for LENT.lol
I think this is great way for the both of you to develop something more emotionally rather than the physical aspect of the relationship. Learn how to appreciate each other without too much physical contact -- perhaps he will do something extremely special for your anniversary and birthday.
My boyfriend and I are religious as well and our religions clash, too. He's Muslim and I'm Christian. We haven't had any physical contact for 5 months now and another 4 to go. So....you can do it! You'll get used it after a few weeks.
So the Rick Astley picture is what compelled me to comment because it's kind of random and yet clever, and now that I think about it you kind of sort of Rick Rolled everyone who saw this entry.
But moving on to this serious business.
I agree with scrapbook_romance. It doesn't sound right to me either. In fact, it doesn't sound like he's giving you up for lent, but rather he is giving up Second Base and beyond. I grew up Catholic, so I understand why it's important for Catholics to practice this religiously and faithfully, but even I think this is too much. [However, I don't do it anymore. I'm not even devout. But I digress.]
If he is serious about this whole lent deal, he needs to realize that he's doing a half-assed job. Only giving up Second base+? The correct thing to do [Lent-wise] is to give up all of you for 40 days. But even then, again, it doesn't sound right. It sounds selfish, stupid, and wrong. I suggest he rethinks this and considers another alternative.
I think he got the whole purpose of Lent thing confused. I'm a Catholic myself, so I know the laws and rules very well. When you decide to give up something for Lent, you also have an intention of giving it up FOREVER. Mostly just bad habits, like let's say..I'll give up gossip for 40 days because it serves me and other no goods other than just to hurt their feelings but it's a bad habit I can't stop NOW, but I'll try it for Lent and gradually will stop altogether. Or, let's say I like to surf the web during work hours, and it's such a poor work ethics, but I can't help it because I get bored during work..I can't stop it right away, but I'll try it out for Lent and eventually I'll quit that habit.
So..in a sense, it's no use if he's giving you up for just 40 days then go back to normal because, the fact that he wants to give up the act of fooling around, he himself KNOWS fooling around is also a sin. If he feels bad about it, then he could just talk to you about it and stop it all at once and have intimacy once you guys are married. Because seriously, you guys are this (--) close to have intercourse, same difference. It's pointless to just give it up for 40 days then go back to the habit, just like the scenerios I raised up about gossip and websurfing at work. So think about it, your bf might regret the fact of getting into the habit of fooling around with you and feel that it's sinful to do so. If you think you can't accept this kind of relationship, then you need to talk to him about it, love is more than just about having physical contact, but it's also not a bad habit to give up.
Another side to this could be that he is trying to show you that he doesn't only want you for the physical part.
Maybe he wants to show you he values you more than that.
I don't necessarily believe this, but it's just a thought.
Well he's mentioned that you guys will be kissing that means you guys will be seeing each other. Ask him to see you on your birthday and on your anniversary, to celebrate these two occasions together. Maybe he just meant that he will be giving up touching and feeling. You should ask him what the specific guidelines are. It's only 40 days, you should respect that he wanted to give you up for Lent. He's also going to suffer thru the 40 days.
@sunflower - spot on. Glad someone pointed out the ignorance of this guy.
Oh...By the way. I just spoke to Jesus. He even agrees that this guy is royally confused about Lent. He also claims too many people are socially religous. Which leads to a lot of misinterpretation of religous 'laws'.
But.. Jesus starts drinking at like noon... He is a bit squirrely. By the way. Jesus is my gardener.
as nice as it is that you two both highly respect your religons. i know it must be a horrible feeling that your boyfriend is giving you up for lent and if my boyfriend were to do that i would be so torn inside and overthink the situation and try to find an underlying meaning behind it.
but really, he's not technecally giving you up if he's still allowed to kiss you.