My boyfriend just turned 21 a couple of weeks ago, so naturally, he likes to spend as much of his free time as possible at the local bars in our college town. I know this will not last very long, and I know that it is just the excitement of finally legally being able to go out and share drinks with friends. The only problem is that I won't be hitting that landmark for a good seven months.
I can't get into these bars, and the amount of time we are spending together is getting cut short. Even on nights we are supposed to hang out, he will cut the evening short to meet up with friends at bars. He invites me along but can never promise that he won't end up wanting to go somewhere that is 21+ instead of 18+ by the end of the night. I understand this, and haven't complained. But part of me wants to.
We have been together for a very long time, but my trust in him has recently been shaken. We are trying to mend things and get through it together. I am making an effort to trust him (I don't think he will repeat the behavior), but it is difficult for me to know that he is out at the bars drinking around all kinds of other girls with the knowledge that I won't be there. I am trying my best to be supportive and let him celebrate in this coming-of-age manner, but I can't help but feel a little bummed that I can't share it with him. It even took an entire week after his birthday for him to find the time to let me take him out to celebrate, just the two of us.
I know I'm not the first girl to be in this situation. Has anyone else experienced something similar? Does it get better in time, or am I doomed to wait months until I can hang out with my boyfriend again? What should I do?
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Comments (51)
dump the selfish bastard.
I think you should just let it be. Your boyfriend wants some time out at the bar with his buddies? let him go for it! this will give you the opportunity to hang with the girls or go pamper yourself! take advantage of this time. Unless something happens (or has happened) to actually damage your trust, i say just let it go. i think this behavior will die down, and in all honesty, i think your 21st will come faster than you think.
so don't sweat the small stuff girly!!You need to talk to him. Tell him EXACTLY how you feel, and tell him that he's not really regaining your trust by doing these things - because how could he? Tell him it's perfectly fine for him to go barhopping... But only if he lets you know ahead of time, and if he makes plans with you, tell him that he better stay with you.
@NrCaSurferChic@xanga - The post says that something DID happen to shake her trust.
"He invites me along but can never promise that he won't end up wanting to go somewhere that is 21+ instead of 18+ by the end of the night."
What a creep. Of course, this excitement will probably fade, but that sentance just bugs me.
you need to tell him how you feel. i think he is being inconsiderate and lacking in some maturity. sure there maybe time he would like to spend with buddies as well as you spend time with yours. but if you are to be as a couple, some kind of mutual aggrement is in order.
i think given that you said your trust in him was shaken recently then you really should talk to him and tell him how you're feeling. it doesn't have to be in a whining or complaining manner, just state that you're feeling like your time together is getting cut short. maybe on the nights that you do hang out he can stop cutting them short to go meet up with friends? either way he doesn't know how you feel and he may or may not realize what he's doing is something wrong.
@SerenaDante@xanga - I definitely agree.
Yeah, he's in that stage of overwhelming-ness of turning 21, but he still has a duty of being a "good" boyfriend to you. When you two make plans to do something, he shouldn't cut the night short...that's rude and disrespectful. He has all the other days that you guys didn't make plans to go out to bars.
I also agree with NrCaSurferChic@xanga. Having your own hobbies or your own group of friends are healthy in a relationship. It's okay to have mutual friends as well, but while he's out with his buddies, go out with your girlies.
Goodluck.
If you feel this way and have been dating for that long then maybe you should just tell him how you feel, if you can't tell then you need to swallow it and accept it until you are of age.
My fiance turned 21 almost 2 years ago now and I'm still not even 18 yet. We've never had a problem like this. He doesn't go to bars. He has gone out a handful of times, but he values his time with me more than going out to bars with his friends.
He must not care about spending time with you THAT much if he's leaving you to go out drinking.
I'd dump him. Especially if he's done something to destroy your trust in him.
wow.. how immature. I am only 19 and my husband is over 21, he would never do that to me... I mean sure, ahead of time he will tell me "hey babe XYZ night Im gonna go to the bar with XYZ"... but he always spends more time with me than @ a bar.
it sounds really unfair to you... when you turn 21 are you gonna go out with JUST the girls. are you gonna be just like he is now? I don't think so... So it sounds unfair... and it sounds like your relationship is a one way street kinda thing.
@SerenaDante@xanga - right i read that part.. but what i meant, is that if the trust has been shaken JUST because he goes out.. that (to me) isn't a good enough reason. I like when my guys go out with there buddies cause i personally like a little alone time.
keep in mind guys her bf just turned 21 not that long ago.. i think he should have a LITTLE partying room. However.. if it bothers you THAT much.. then yes you should speak up. but i still think you should ride it a tad longer and i think he'll come around. if not, hes not the guy for you.
I am JUST turning 21 this july.. and my boyfriend is turning 23 this april
age difference kinda sucks! lol
But my boyfriend hasn't really gone to any bars..
but he did go to a strip club for his cousins birthday I was kind of upset about.. I wasnt 21 so I couldn't go.. and i was planning to go to blue man group for that weekend for my bday but i said EFF IT he NEVER EVER sees his cousins because they live so damn far away.. and that night he texted me how he's so lucky to have me and the girls there don't even compare to me lol which was nice
But now in a couple of weeks I think he is going to a bar with his friends for his bestfriends bday ...
It sucks because we only can spend friday+saturday together because of school/work so yeah when he spends one of those days with friends it sucks but hey he needs his time with his friends too so I'm not gonna get mad over it
I've been with my boyfriend almost 4 years now and trust him
I guess I would be a bit upset if i was you especially if he did something for you to not trust him as much anymore...
And that "He invites me along but can never promise that he won't end up wanting
to go somewhere that is 21+ instead of 18+ by the end of the night." is BS because right there i think he is definitley being selfish
Like others said talk to him and see what happens
hopefully it is a phase and he gets passed going out every weekend
I'm in the same situation. My bf even almost broke up with me because it "was hard" to have a gf who wasnt 21. But he's 5 months older than me and now I only have 4 days til my 21st. So the thrill of going to the bar definitely died out for my bf and hopefully it will for yours. The months go quick though :]
Eventually it will fade (at least I hope so). It'll get old after a while.
But you should talk to him, anyways. Voice out your feelings and concerns. Make sure he knows where you stand in all of this. If he makes plans with you, tell him to stick with it. It's not like he can't go bar hopping another night with his friends. He has all the time in the world for that from now on.
On the other hand, you should get your group of friends and have some girl time. That way, you won't always be waiting around for him too.
Like what everyone has been saying he's immature and a jerk for not considering you and cutting the time you two have together short. There's 2 things you can do and I hope you would try both at the least.
1) Like NrCaSurferChic@xanga said, use that time to hang out with friends and such.
2) Talk with him and let him know how you feel. If he goes off and takes it out of proportion and not try to see it from your point of view then you should end it because if he will be so immature about it then he's not worth your time. If he listens to you but he continues to with his immature ways not considering you in the hang outs with his friends or if it gets worse, again, leave him. You don't need this.
Good luck.
You should tell him and if doesn't care enough to change then well...
My older boyfriend would never do anything 21+ if I wanted to hang out. He only went to bars and clubs when we had no plans and I was busy.
@abcxunt@xanga - First comment on the page, and also the best advice.
Judging by the fact that you're worried about him being around other girls, I'm going to assume that what he did to "shake" your trust in him was cheat on you, or something of the like. If that's the case, you should have dumped him because of that.
Regardless of whether he cheated or not, he sounds like he has no respect for you or the relationship, so he is probably not "behaving himself", persay, in those bars when you're not with him, which I think on some level, you already know.
He is very selfish and inconsiderate. He obviously doesn't care about having you around or being with you, so why should you bother with him?
Frankly, it kind of sounds like he is not as into this relationship as you are, and he is only going to get worse and you're only going to hurt more until you finally realize it's a lost cause, but by then you'll have wasted more of your life with this loser.
Move on and leave him to his clubbing.
@buddy71@xanga - agreed.
He's being selfish and immature, especially when he has committed to hanging out with you and then ditches. He'll be over 21 for the rest of his life; you probably won't be with him for that long, considering his current path. Maybe reconcile him with the notion.
two words: fake. i.d.
He should definitely be sensitive to your feelings and come to some form of compromise...but it is also wrong of you to expect him to stay at home with you just because you can't go to 21+ clubs. Let him have his fun at least a little, I mean he just turned 21.
Why does he have to go to bars? Can't he invite his friends over for drinks, or go over to their house for drinks? You could come along too! He should consider doing something like this with you, and stop thinking about what he wants all the time. Aw, feel for you.
my boyfriend was like that for a while. but like for him it was just a phase (or so i hope) and he's stopped bar hoping untill i turn legal where i am. Though my boyfriend still goes to bars to celebrate his friend's birthdays and such. it bothers me that i dont know what is going on and i cant go there myself, but theres nothing i can really do about it.
if it really bothers you you should talk to him about it.
Think of all the older more experienced women he will be hanging with also. Why would he want a 20 year old who cant even drink with him?
Ok ok.. Bad humor. But seriously. Who gives a crap? If she has to come on Datingish for help with this problem...This relationship is doomed anyhow.
Tell him that you're bummed that he's spending more time with his other friends in 21+ bars and that you haven't seen him in awhile. What does your 6th sense tell you? Is he a flirtatious person? If you trust him in that aspect, then let him have a bit more fun but ask him to see you more often. He's got to respect that you want to see him.