Saturday, 31 January 2009
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The Way I Badmouth My Ex Worries My Current BF
My boyfriend, C, has been making fun of my ex, D, a lot lately. But the moment I join in the fun, C suddenly gets upset over the matter. D and I broke up 5 months ago. It was mutual. D thinks we broke up over religious differences, but I wanted to call it quits because he didn't treat me well AT ALL; even his family members noticed. I knew I could do better: he was full of himself, controlling, jealous and he picked fights with me and my friends. To make things worse, I wasn't remotely physically attracted to him - I never wanted to get intimate with him because of it, either. Our relationship only lasted four months. I was NOT heartbroken at all over the issue, as I began to despise him more and more towards the end of everything.
One month later, C and I got together. C is, for lack of a better term, a dreamboat. He's everything D's not; he's handsome, playful, respectful, hilarious, caring, great with my friends and he always goes above and beyond for me. C recently discovered D through Facebook, and I've noticed that C has no problem making fun of D and "how goofy looking he is." I can't even argue with C - my friends didn't like D when we were together and they still don't care for him; therefore, he gets made fun of...a lot. But the moment I start ragging on D, C gets really uptight. He worries that if he and I ever break up, I'll say the same kinds of things about him as I do about D.
I understand his concern, but C doesn't realize that he's above and beyond D and there's no way he could ever stoop that low. Never have I badmouthed any of my exes before, and I pointed this out to C. D truly mistreated me, making me and everyone else lose respect for him. However, I know that doesn't justify my talking badly about D.... so then why should C be able to talk smack about D when they've never even met?
Is C just self-conscious or jealous? Is he worried that I'm not over D?
Have you ever questioned your SO when he/she rags on the ex?
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- From: fatal_mess@xanga
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Comments (28)
Honestly, I've said HORRIBLE things about exes, and I've only had one "current at the time" get nervous about that.
So this is what I told him, "If you're going to rag on him in front of me, I'm probably going to jump in. If you don't want to hear what I have to say, don't bring him up."
If you say that to him though, stick to your guns, don't bring him up, and don't talk about him. It's as simple as that.
Let him know that if he doesn't like you making fun of D then he shouldn't do it either.
My SO doesn't worry about me making fun of him mostly cause he's not really worried about us breaking up. We rarely talk about my exes cause they are few and far between and none of them were serious, but he used to like ragging on them occassionaly and didn't care if I joined in.
"Is C just self-conscious or jealous?"
A bit of both. It's odd that he's given himself carte blanche to rag on your ex but you can't join in "on the fun." More to the point, the entire situation is odd; why does C even care enough to put in the energy to make fun of your ex? I mean, you guys have better things to do with your time, right?
MAYBE C is appalled by the way D treated you, so is acting out on that anger by constantly insulting D. But the same above commentary applies - better things to do with your time...
"Is he worried that I'm not over D?"
When an SO starts ragging about their own ex, usually they're not over them. Then again, usually the SO will start ragging on them with no provocation whatsoever. In this case, C seems to be (purposely or not) provoking you to rag on him.
Ask C about it if you're really concerned.
Have you ever questioned your SO when he/she rags on the ex?
Er...that has never happened to me. But if it did, I would find him very, very strange. He's with ME; we have better things to do than rehash my past. Furthermore, if he starts insulting my ex and he doesn't know him personally, it's truly lacking in tact and taste.
I would say he's a little self conscious. but it's understandable. you should just leave exes out of your conversations all together.
@Nicola_Six@xanga - Agreed.
I think it partly depends on the kinds of things you say. If you are literally only saying things that are true (he was disrespectful, he was rude, he treated you badly, etc), that's less of a concern--unless C treats you badly, you won't have anything bad to say about him. I have exes that I've talked badly about--but they were the ones that treated me badly. I call my lg what he is--amazing, because he treated me amazingly and he was an amazing guy.
On the other hand, if the things you are saying are off-the-wall negative, that's different. Because then you are speaking feelings and not facts. The truth is, you probably aren't over D if you started dating C right after your breakup.
Bad-mouthing your exes in general really doesn't make you look good, so I'd avoid it in the future. As far as C is concerned, he is probably all three: self-conscious, jealous and worried. If he didn't care about your ex, he wouldn't mention him either. If you want to be over him and stay over him, I would suggest that you both stop talking about him. Leave him in the past.ummm.......WHY is he sure you're going to break up?
abcxunt's got a point. I find it pretty pointless to ever mention exes, especially if they're not great.
I think he's a little self-conscious. But it's kind of dumb that he insists on badmouthing an ex anyway. I wonder how he'd react if you started saying, "No, he's a GREAT guy, blah blah blah you're wrong!!!"
Besides, if you were to break up, why should it matter to him what you say about him? He's worrying about something that doesn't even matter. Leave the exes out of the picture.
@xpinaixstylesx@xanga - So true!
Why is it even an issue? Just agree to not talk about D..like you said you are over him..so let it be over and not talk about your past. Your boyfriend only talks badly about D because you let him and now it's an issue.
Sounds to me like he's self conscious. In a sense it seems like he's insulting the previous boyfriend to see your response. I think he's showing insecurities by feeling the need to insult your previous boyfriend; I mean honestly, what's the point? He's in the past, he was no good, so why does this one feel the need to point out the others faults?
I don't know what he expects you to do when he's talking about your last boyfriend like that, though. There's only three things that you can do. You can join in, defend the last guy, or just ignore it. You've seen the response that joining in gives you, you should know the response that you'd get for defending the last guy (Plus why would you want to?), but I do think ignoring it would be a good idea. I don't mean totally blocking him out, but maybe say, "Eh, it's over now. Who cares?" or "That's his problem, not mine."
Whenever someone talks badly about their previous significant others, it makes the current one wonder how they'll talk about them if they ever break up. Not to say this happens all of the time, because many people in relationships don't think of it in a "What if we break up? How will they talk about me?" kind of way.
I don't think he's really jealous over it, but I do think he's very insecure.
I'm usually the one bad mouthing my ex. Luckily every guy I've been with since then has no problem doing the same thing. So we do some bad mouthing sessions about exes. It's fun. Suggest you guys do that and maybe he'll feel better.
if you talk badly about your exes it shows your not over them in a way
Usually when someone bad mouths an ex, he or she is not over them. What's past is past. Don't bring up D anymore. :\
I think the boyfriend needs to chill out and I don't think he's jealous of your ex. You need to somehow show him that he's way better and how he truly treats you better than your ex-boyfriend. Remember: guys cannot take hints. So, do your best to impress. If he is mature, he'll handle the situation like an adult and somehow get over it.
Also, you may not talk behind his back after a break-up, because that would depend on the circumstances of the break up.
I try my best not to bring up my past relationships with the boyfriend. The both of us don't rag on our exes because we loved them very much -- but the both of us got our hearts broken at the end. (This happened separately, not together. :P)
I think jelousy is involved and insecurity
your boyfriend does not want to hear you talking about any other guy even if its bad, and if he is so amazing as you describe him then i beleive he should trust himself and know he is doing a AWESOME job
lol I don't think in general people should ever bring up about there ex's with whomever. Unless your talking to your girl's or boy's. you know? Past is past move the f'in on. lol I don't think current boyfriends or girlfriends have the right to bring up your past or ex's ever. It's never a good thing. Cause they don't know the whole situation if what was.
@abcxunt@xanga - yep. right on! thereis absolutely NO reason to be regularly talking about an ex to a current bf.
he is probably self- conscious..
just like me actually. i likes to bitch about my bf's ex and when he joins in, i will always ask if he's gonna do this to me with his next gf ( if there is any )
i get worried in that situation because if my SO starts ragging on his ex and how much he hates her, obviously he still thinks of her a lot... and hate isn't that far from love.
it's not a matter of what he'll say about me, but... yea.
just don't do it.. and ask him not to bring the guy up either
Well, I've heard my boyfriend badmouthing his exes. I've mentioned that I don't want him to feel that way about me if he and I ever break up. He's assured me that it won't be, because his past girlfriends didn't mean as much to him as I do, and also because what he says about them is true -- he doesn't just pull it out of nowhere just so he can rag on an ex. You know?
If C really is above and beyond, as my boyfriend assures me I am, then just tell him. Tell him it was different with your ex and assure him that the bad things you've said about D were true, and that you weren't just saying them for fun. That's how I got over it and I truly believe it won't be like that if my boyfriend and I ever break up. And eventually the talk of the ex(es) will fade because the interest of the past is lessened and you both will become more focused on the present and the future with each other.just dont ever bad mouth anyone