Wednesday, 28 January 2009
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When You're Trying And Your BF Isn't
My current boyfriend and I have been friends since the beginning of high school. We've now graduated and go to the same university. Even though we never liked each other before, he has never failed to flirt or be a total "guy" towards me (putting his arm around me, being a bit perverted), but he was like that to a lot of girls. We are pretty close, and after my last ex and I broke up in spring of last year, he began to pursue me in a more sincere way. At first I was just glad to have someone there for me during lonely nights, but eventually I grew more fond of him. He has a very uncaring and laid-back personality, so for him to go out of his way to spend time with me, listen to me rant, pick me up in the middle of the night when I had no ride home and sneak the family car out in the middle of the night to pick me up just to spend time with me, I felt like his intentions were true. When school started again in September, he grew a bit distant, but it was like we were together. His acting more distant made me like him more. When I realized I liked him back, I gave him the "so what are we" talk. He said he doesn't want to be public with his relationships because he doesn't feel the need for others to know. However, I felt like it was because we never really ran in the same circles in high school. We are a very unlikely couple, and if others found out, they'd negatively influence our feelings towards each other.
Even though he called me his girl and said I was all his, it took him a long time to finally make a decision to be together with me. We've been liking each other since the summer but only started dating a few weeks ago. It felt like he just eventually settled with me and didn't really want me for me - he just wanted a girlfriend. He is sort of labeled as not very dateable and a pervert by a lot of people because he flirts with everyone - the things he says are more sexual than sweet most of the time.
None of my previous boyfriends have treated me like this - they were always the ones trying in the relationship. I'm trying so hard to be good to him. He tries at times, but he's very inconsiderate and doesn't go out of his way to make me happy. I don't know what to do. I really like him, but was this relationship doomed from the beginning? With the exception of two close friends of mine, no one else knows we're together. It's been two weeks. It's like he's embarrassed of me somehow. And it really hurts. Is it even worth trying?
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- From: peachysheen
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Comments (42)
I know the feeling. I had a boyfriend at one point who did almost the exact same thing to me.
I would give it a little bit of time, and maybe talk to him about it. He might still be trying to sort out his feelings for you and his newly solidified relationship with you. If things don't get better, it might be worth it to leave it behind. You're right...you shouldn't have to feel like he's embarrassed of you, and if it doesn't eventually change it will probably hurt you a lot more than it'll help.
What made you think he was going to change?
You said it to begin with ... saying he has a very uncaring and laid back personality
I wouldn't like it one bit if he didn't want others to know
If you really like him just flat out ask him if he really wants to be with you or not. don't waste your time
It sounds like a serious issue...compatibility-wise, I think. I have a feeling that talking to him about it isn't really in his interests...but if you're not happy, it sounds like you have to move on. He doesn't seem too happy either, anyway.
Uhm, well for some reason, I find you NOT ENTIRELY happy about this. I could be wrong of course because text can only say so much. You mentioned that he might just be settling for you but if YOU are NOT happy with this COMPLETELY then I'd say YOU are "just" settling. Sure, there's attachment and you like his company, but there are stuff about him you'd rather not deal with, right? Have you brought this up to him? My boyfriend has characteristics that I'd rather not deal with but I am able to bring these up to him, and he talks to me through these. So I can see that he's trying just as much as I am.
I can't really say that it's doomed from the beginning. I have been recently introduced to the concept of serendipity, that sometimes, we come up with the best things out of accident.. I hope things work out for you. I can only offer so much.
If a guy wants to hide me, I take strong issue with that. He needs to get over his petty high school concerns and man up...otherwise you'll burn out and that'll be the end of the relationship.
Tread carefully, here, and talk to him about it. If he doesn't change, then you may need to change boyfriends.
-Katie
the "not wanting to go public" with relationships thing always really scared me because unless i really trusted the guy, how did i know he didn't want others to know we were together for the wrong reasons, like "keeping his options open" as if hes looking for something better, or interested in someone else on the side that hes convinced the same silence to. you just never know with guys.
id say if it seems like hes being more sexual than loving, DONT give him sex, until you know his feelings are true. maybe try steering away from the sex talk and when he brings it up ask him something like what he likes best about you, or what is his favorite personality trait in you.
i know how you feel with the trying thing. the truth is most college guys just dont give a shit long enough to care about sincere relationships. sounds like your guy doesnt have the best track record for that kind of stuff anyway.
hope this helps.
sorry for the bluntness but,
I've been there, and done that.
dump his sorry ass.
you can do so much better.
you should be treated with respect & he obviously cannot provide you with that.
do it. asap. you'll save yourself before the relationship changes you for the worse.
"trying" is not a good sign because it's either you love someone or you don't. You can't "try" to love someone. If he is thinking to hide you from his friends, I don't think he loves you enough to want to be with you. Sorry for being straightforward.
tell him how you feel, you deserve happiness =).
erm I'm sorry... he's worried about what people you went to HiGH SCHOOL with will think? You guys are in college now! It doesn't matter what circles you were in; that's in the past. Besides you said that you guys were friends in high school. "Friends" usually means that you spend a significant amount of time together, so people should have known you guys hung out back then anyways.
But more to the point, it sounds like neither of you is thrilled about the other. For people who have been "friends" for so long, you sure are lousy at communicating with each other. Nothing is going to get solved if you don't talk to him, so I'd suggest beginning there, and seeing if he is willing to be more attentive to you.
Seriously, if a guy don't want to go "public" with me, it makes me question him and our relationship. Is he ashamed of me? Does he still wants to keep his "options open"? Does he only want to settle with me until he finds someone better? What's the dealio?
Sit down and talk to him even though it seems like he's not interested in talking about it. Confront him about your feelings and ask him questions that you want straight answers to. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve because at the end, it's you that's going to be hurt.
It obviously takes two to make a relationship work and if it's only you who are trying to make the relationship work, at the end, you're going to be overwhelm and want out.
I'm confused as to why you are with this guy.
Since he doesn't want show you to public, he might not want to be serious with you. A guy that isn't wanting to "show off" his girlfriend means he doesn't have a pretty strong feeling towards you.
You should just straight up and ask him why he doesn't want to show you off. is he ashamed to be your bf? because right now, your just wasting your time if he only wants you to be your gf but doesn't love you. Maybe thats why he isn't trying to work the relationship. It shouldn't only you that is trying to work it out, this is something that should be done as a couple.
Hope things work out. for better or for worst =)
It's a sweet story, and not unheard of. First of all, I really do hope it works out, because you sound so happy just describing him [in the positive portion of the blog]. Now, if he's seemingly "ashamed" of your relationship while you're in college (or at any time, for that matter), there's really something you have to discuss.
You're adults, and you should be able to date anyone you'd like. If others' opinions are going to negatively influence the relationship, then there's something to be said about that relationship, isn't there? Those who care about you will support you and see to it that you're happy. If he's the guy for you, talk to him and make it work.
And hey, maybe he's just one of those guarded, misunderstood guys who inwardly adore you, but can't find the way to express it in his style.
Good luck =]
@Shock_Every0ne@xanga - I agree
It's not worth trying if the other person isn't.
The real question is: why do you like him? Why do you want to stay with him? You say that he's very inconsiderate and doesn't go out of his way to make you happy. That doesn't sound good at all!
And yes, perhaps he's a nice person, and considerate - sometimes. But are you willing to settle for that? Because if you want him to be that amazingly considerate creature, well, he has to change...a lot. And you can try talking to him about it, but only he can decide whether to change it.
From what I heard, he does not seem to be boyfriend material for any girl. Who wants to date a guy who's uncaring, laid-back, likes to flirt with other girls, and embarrassed to be seen with you in public. This guy is trouble and will eventually break your heart. Leave him while it's still not serious.
You deserve someone better. Someone is willing to committed, treat you well, loves you, and protect you from all harm. You should not have to worry and work so hard in a relationship, besides your family that you can not choose. You have the privilege to choose who you date so, why settle for someone like him. The unavailable, uncommitted, flirtatious guy.
Um, Get Out Now. You fell for who he was and he didn't have to make an effort. Yes he spent time with you in the beginning, but it was convenient. And it does seem like he's embarrassed by you. I've been there. move on and focus on loving yourself. The right guy will come along when you're not even looking. You deserve better.
sounds like he is really, really immature...i'd find someone who can be a little more considerate. i think he just wants company and you deserve to be more than just that.
If it really bothers you, you should break it off now if he does not show improvement. The longer you stay with him, the longer you will have to get more attached. Even though, you will feel the same frustration later in the relationship then, it will be harder to get out of. Besides, is this a guy you could see yourself marrying? You shouldn't date someone you are not interested in spending the rest of your life with because too often (girls especially) try to change the other person for the better.
If you break up with him, he will either not do anything, or chase after you. The first one, he doesn't care...Second option, he realizes that you deserve better and wants to try again.
Tell him how you feel and then take things from there.
first find out how he REALLY feels. if he really doesn't want to go public with you, sorry to say, he's just not that into you.
Unfortunately I've also been through a similar experience. Just two people knowing about your 'relationship' doesn't sound like he's taking it seriously. The best option is to talk to him, maybe show him this blog even. Good Luck. :)
I've been with a similar guy. If he doesnt wanna go public FUCK HIM OFF you deserve that at least! Talk to him about the not doing things to make you happy. Ask why. But he sounds like an asshole.
Agree with the rest. No. Your relationship is FAIL. He's not the right guy for you. Makes a great friend, but he's not ready or not right for a relationship with you. Go back to being friends. Compatability isn't there. Sorry.
I know how you feel. You deserve someone who cares and make you feel happy.
Let it go. He is not into you. I was in such a relationship before and he still wants to have you around and string u on while he can look for other better ones. He would never like u in the way u need it thus please find one who appreciates u more.