Wednesday, 28 January 2009
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Who Should Move On First?
A few months ago, I broke up with this guy that I've been on and off with for about a year. And I know it doesn't seem like that long, but I'm in high school, and a year was a big deal. But towards the end, I realized that things between us just weren't working out. I didn't find anyone new, nor did I want to. But I did know that the relationship was a little too dysfunctional for my senior year and that it would be the best for both of us to just end things.Now that some time has passed, we're still friends, talking occasionally about life and how each other are doing. But we aren't close enough anymore to talk about who we're seeing or if either of us has really moved on. And now I've met a guy who has sparked my interest, but I'm terrified to move toward something more official with him because I don't want to risk completely cutting all ties to the history I had with my ex.
I know that it was a healthy decision to end things with the guy, but I'm afraid that since I made the move to end things if I start dating a new guy before he finds a new girl would seem like the only reason I broke things off with him in the first place was for someone new. If he finds someone new first I feel like it would take off the pressure for me and I would feel better if/when I start this new relationship.
We still care about each other and want what’s best for each other even if that happiness is with someone new. But I don’t know if either of us has completely given up on the idea of a future together. And I don’t want to be the one who makes that decision by officially moving on.
Would you want to be the one to move on first? Or wait til the other person takes the leap and finds someone new?
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About the Author
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- From: CrazyWorks4Me793@xanga
- About Me: You know that one girl who could never make up her mind... the crazy one who always wanted everyone else's approval, the one who was so indecisive that you wanted to slap her... yeah that's me
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Comments (35)
wait for them too. just depends i guess.
You broke up with him... So I'm sure he got the message that somehow you guys weren't going to work out. Clearly, this means that both of you should move on to someone else. Just because you happened to be first to find someone else doesn't make you rude or mean or anything... so definitely go for this new guy! You don't want to miss your chance.
I do things on my own time, to put it loosely. If I meet someone I really like, I'm not going to care too much if my ex hasn't found anyone else yet. Of course I'll still think about how fast I'm moving, but it's for myself, not because of how it might look to someone else.
Well, in my opinion...it first depends on how long ago you broke up with him. You said a few months ago, and that should be fine. But if you aren't really sure if you want to even move on from him (if that's what you're saying) shouldn't that be a red flag for you to talk to him about it?
And no, it's not your job to sit around waiting for him to move on so you can. You have every right to go out and get someone new. It's high school, and you should be able to have fun and date a few people here and there.
However, I am also stuck in somewhat the same position - not knowing if I should fully move on because I still see a future with my guy. But he's the one who ended it with me, not the other way around, so it's really kind of pointless and my own problem, you know? (if that paragraph made any sense..hahah)
good luckkkkk sweetie!
before anything gets official with the new guy, make sure he's really what you want and you're really interested.
i broke up with my boyfriend (we only dated for about 4 months) but about 2 months later i started dating my current bf, and i heard from the grapevine that my ex thought i had cheated on him. i was completely shocked because it didn't seem that quick to me, but i guess to him, he thought i had been kinda looking around while we were still going out. just make sure it's what you want before you take any action. good luck!
I'm in the same boat. It's a thin line we're walking on. You just have to make a decision. The ex will always be the fallback person. So take a chance, if it fails, maybe you can fallback again.
You move on when you feel it is right too. Obviously you two broke up for a reason and moving on now shouldn't be a problem in my opinion.
You never know, he might be waiting for you to move on, before he does. I am also in senior high, and my ex boyfriend dated my friend after 3 months of breaking up. Sure it was hard to deal with, but i didn't give a fudge. In my case, he moved on first. If i was you, i would move on, i won't be wasting my time thinking whether or not he will make the first move.
Recently i broke up with my second boyfriend, i pretty much moved on right afterwards. Started hanging out with another guy after 4 days after the break up lol.
In my past experiences, I'm mostly the one who "moves on" first. Though things didn't work out with my exes, I don't feel obligated to wait around for them until they pick themselves up and get into a relationship. Not only that, but everyone moves forward differently and on their own pace.
You two are friends and if you really mean this:
We still care about each other and want what’s best for each other even if that happiness is with someone new.
He should understand and support you. He shouldn't hold you back or you shouldn't feel that you should hold yourself back either.
Just because there's an idea that the two of you may have a future together, don't count on it. Let life takes it course. If you two are really meant for one another, somehow, someway, you'll find each other again.
Until then, life moves on.
I dont think there's a right time to move on, when the opportunity comes, you should just take the leap. You guys already broke up so it wouldnt really matter who moved on first... SOMEONE's gotta do it. I'd be upset if my ex found someone else FIRST before breaking up with me -- but thats not your case. Besides, you dont NEED to be with someone in order to believe that you've already moved on. I think moving on just means you're over the relationship and the other person.
I didn't think it mattered who moved on.
Move at your own pace, he's your ex now. But don't get too hasty, move on when you think it's right. And at the guy who you're kinda into, is he what you're looking for? Will you be able to last with him? Or is it just a fling?
I would say if you really think you're ready to move on, then move on, but if you're so wrapped up in your past relationship that you're more worried about how your ex will look at your relationship than whether you're happy or not, I think some of the dysfunction is still there.
Love waits for no man, woman, tide or season.
If you believe that you have the possibility of exploring something with a new person, go for it. Don't worry about what your ex might, or might not think. He's your ex for a reason, however close you might remain to him.
Always remember that as the person who ended things, there is always a possibility that your ex still has feelings for you and CANT move on. Thus waiting for him to find someone new will take much longer, and end up with you missing out on your opportunities out of some misguided attempt to make someone else feel better.
Ultimately, it's YOUR life. Make decisions for and because of YOU, not someone else who will be but a distant memory once you leave high school.
Good luck!
I don't think there's a rule for who should move on first. Once the relationship is over, both parties are free to move on and do what they want, with who they want. You shouldn't be putting your life on hold because your ex may get the wrong idea. If he gets the wrong idea and it bothers him, it's his job in that case to ask you about it. But, really? You've found someone new who interests you, so why let your ex get in the way?
Plus, think about it. What if this new guy sets his eyes on another girl while you're waiting around for your ex to find someone new? You just lost your chance because you were waiting around. Because as someone has already said, love waits for nobody.
Your ex is probably looking for someone new aswell, and since you don't know about it, chances are he could have already found somebody else.
Unless you're expecting that you'll want to be in a relationship with him in the future, I don't see why you should wait around.
unless you told him that the reason that you broke up with him was specifically b/c you didn't have time for a boyfriend, i don't see the problem with moving on. in my case when i was a frosh in hs, my bf told me he didn't have time for a relationship and then a month later he started dating my best friend...so as long as you don't do that you're in the clear haha :)
don't jeopardize your current feelings because of your previous feelings. there was a reason things didn't work out.
As long as it's more than a month, you're fine.
I would wait at least 1/10th of the relationship before anything official. So, for a year-long relationship, waiting 5 weeks should be okay.
I don't think it should matter who moves on first because you're moving on at your own pace. Whatever is good for you works =) However, I think I would like to see me move on before the ex..if I am ready to. Don't force yourself to move on if you're not ready!
And I know it doesn't seem like that long, but I'm in high school...
Whoa. Instantly lost me there.
im kinda in that situation right now. my bf and i were together for 5 years ... yep 5! my first actual bf and it was right outta hs, after 3 years we decided that it just wouldnt work out in the super duper LONG run .. but we went for another 2 years and finally broke it off.... so we're still close and still friends, and its kinda like .. i dont want to be the one to find someone first just bc, i dont. i would rather him find a girl even though i know it will crush me bc we still do care so much about each other, but in he wants me to date first, so its just kinda like a stalemate. its been 5 months.
ok off my tangent, its not a who should go first sorta thing, if either one of you find someone you connect with and see a possibility with then you should go for it! dont pass up the opportunity to possibly be with someone that you're meant to be with. =] ... and try not to let any guys mess up your studies, i learned that the hard way >.<"" education is top priority!
got to throw away the old to get something new. since you broke up you shouldnt worry about stuff like that.
Yeah I just recently broke up with my girlfriend of almost 4 years and it was not a happy day. We're pretty much the same now though only talking every now and then too. I dunno though I don't think there should be a time limit or a see who gets a significant other first thing. I think if you have interest with someone else you should give it a shot with this other person. If the relationship with your ex was dysfunctional chances are that it'll stay that way if you somehow manage to get back together in the future. It's best to move on rather than hope something will happen with someone you've already given it a shot with.
I think it's really lovely that you're being so careful with your ex's feelings. But make sure you're in tune with yours. If you're afraid to date someone new because you haven't actually moved on and let go of your feelings for your ex, maybe you're not ready to start a new relationship.
Personally I prefer the guy to move on first.... it gives me the permanent closure sign. Generally I tend to be the one that moves on first! So it's each to their own I guess.
It depends on how long it's been since you two broke up. I think that dating someone too soon after a break up hurts your ex and your potential boyfriend. You have to make sure that you are truly over him so that you won't bring any bad feelings into your next relationship. Dating somebody sooner than a month after a break up would seem a little rude in my opinion.
Don't feel guilty about moving on. Just make sure there are no lingering feelings for your ex. I'm sure he will be upset to see you are moving on, but the fact of the matter is that the relationship is over, and if he really cares for you, over time he will be happy that you are happy with someone else.