Wednesday, 28 January 2009
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Trying To Find Closure After Two Months
I spent nearly half a year in a failed relationship. This boy was clever, witty and interesting, but also controlling, insulting, apathetic and emotionally repressed.He couldn't listen to intense things I had to say and could not comfort my occasional sadness. I spent too much time pressuring him into admitting what I meant to him. I never understood why, when I blatantly asked him how he felt about me, he wouldn't [couldn't] say. He was such an opinionated boy, yet when it came to what feels all right, how I looked that day, and even what he wanted to do Saturday night, there was usually just a shrug and "whatever you want". He never wanted to do anything; I guess he just wanted to hang around my place and hook up. Boys would compliment me at school and I would wish so much that my boyfriend could do that littlest thing. It sounds really petty of me to care about something so trivial.
I never really thought I could be the girl that was needed compliments to feel secure in a relationship or would be bothered by splitting the check everywhere we went. It was really hard for me to be in such a one-sided relationship. I really loved this boy - he was my first love - and hell, I knew it was young sixteen-year-old love. I know that that love is different from how I might love as an adult. I held my breath and didn't tell him how I felt until we broke up. After several months of trying to convince myself that I was happy and content, I realized I did nothing but complain about him and cry myself to sleep after our brief, impersonal, and one-sided daily phone calls.
After a while of this, I became really irritated; I tried to get emotion out of him in whatever way possible. I would be short with him, try to ease the conversation onto his side, leave plans up to him and prolong calling him back. Nothing worked. So before Thanksgiving we had "the talk". I told him through inevitable tears, "I need you to be there for me, I need you to tell me how you care every once a while; otherwise we need to break up." He agreed we needed to break up and that he could not be "that guy". I told him that I had loved him and heard him crying on the other line. He, of course, could not admit to the crying.
That was it. My 2008. It has been two months and I still see him every other weekend. I am over him, but unfortunately, I am not over the pain that was the relationship. I realized the other day that I never let myself get over it. I have allowed him to be a part of my life. I have watched his comments on girls' pictures on Facebook [his sudden ability to convey emotions]. I left the art he gave me remain on my walls, his gifts on my nightstand and his shirt in my drawer.
So...I took everything down, hid everything from myself. I removed him from my phone and unfriended him on Facebook. The last thing I want is to have to look at him purposefully, see his updates, I just don't want to care. He hurt me, so we are not friends. It should be that simple. Ultimately, it shouldn't matter.
Now the only thing is...was this too hasty? How much time do you need to get over someone?
And is a girl ever really justified to Facebook unfriend an ex?
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- From: CARLYpev@xanga
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Comments (55)
Yes, you should unfriend someone who became an obsession. If you can find a healthy relationship with them later, you can all do the add thing again.
For now, it's more healthy that you get unmeshed from this person who had less positive things to give you, than they seemed to take for themselves.
I don't think it's that hasty at all. Sometimes completely blocking out an ex out of your life is what it takes to get on the road to getting over them. You're totally justified for de-friending him if you feel pain everytime you see him. I didn't de-friend my ex after we broke up, but I would try to avoid any updates she ever made. If I had to, I would just cover her update w/ my hand as I scrolled down haha.
Do what you gotta do to get over him. If it requires taking away anything that reminds you of him, so be it. Give it a few months before you try to have him back in your life again. Maybe by then you'll be more over him. If not, just rinse and repeat.
i don't think you ever fully get over your first love, the pain will ease and fade out in due time, but it's really hard the first time. it's been 4 years since my first love & i broke up, and i still find myself thinking of him. love is the craziest emotion.
no, its not at all, the best way to get over someone is to block out all conections. it gives you space to see everything else you have in your life besides him. and eventually you learn how he can acually be in your life without it acually bothering you. these things take time,
Do what you gotta do to pick yourself up. When you are completely over all the pain and heartache he put you through, maybe then you can be his friend. If not, what is there to lose? You may not benefit anything from this relationship with him but at least he did and hopefully the next girl he dates, he will at least give her what you had wanted.
You are justified. I had a similar relationship, but it lasted two years and seven months. It was the most unhealthy relationship I will ever let myself be in.
I wish you the best. <3
Its been almost four months since the breakup between me and my first love and I'm still at the same spot I was at the day we broke up. I don't think you ever truly get over them, regardless of how clean or messy the break up was. I deleted him off of myspace and his new girlfriend. You don't want to be consumed in what he's doing. Just try not to think about him, no matter how hard it may seem.
My dear, you're okay. Some relationships absolutely aren't meant to work out. How much time you need is different for every girl. Maybe some things I've written in my blog will make you feel better. You're justified to do anything you like that isn't maliciously attacking someone. If that means unfriending him so that you don't see his updates, that's fine. It's not a big deal. Don't worry, it'll get better soon!
Facebook is a social disease. What the fuck does it matter if you "unfriend" someone whatever the circumstance may be? It's a website and nothing more.
That said, there's nothing wrong with deleting someone from your phone, blocking their screen name, "unfriending" them from Facebook or Myspace, putting away old gifts and momentos, etc, when you are getting over someone. Personally, I think it's healthier to remove the more physical reminders of a person from your sight so that they have a chance to stay out of your mind until any feelings have passed.
Some people move past things faster than others. Everyone needs a certain amount of time to grieve, for lack of a better word; some people may only need a week, others may need seven months. If you were ready to move on, then no, the time frame in which you moved on was not hasty at all. The important thing is that you're okay with how you feel now.
Don't worry too much. :/
I had a smiliar relationship like this with my first. Somehow, I don't think I'm over him . . . yet.
Do what you gotta do to get over him. De-friending him on Facebook, deleting his number, whatever fits.
It's such a a cliche line, but "time heals everything".
@kassieisradxO@xanga - The first love is always the hardest to get over, but you will in time. I thought I would never get over my first love, but I did...and I found someone better.
It just takes time and determination.
It's not hasty at all. If you were having difficulty getting over the pain and seeing him and stuff, it was the right thing to do to delete him from your phone and unfriend him. No sense in torturing yourself, and maybe one day you'll be able to deal with seeing that stuff again.
out of sight, out of mind.
You need to go scorched earth. Leave no trace of him left behind (and I mean destroy everything mob-style down to any traces of hair) and no way for him to contact you again to "just hang out." Don't think about it. Just do it.
You did exactly the right things! I just recently had to do this with an ex myself (remove him from my sites and get rid of everything that reminded me of him) and the closure it brought and the weight that was lifted was the greatest feeling in the whole world! Whatever it takes to help you get over this and move on to someone better - someone who actually deserves you - is always a good thing!
itz also enormously cathartik to hava bonfiyre with alla the leftoverz frum him so take thoze fotos & the nik naks & the shirt & you cud even print out eny images you might still hav of him on yer computer go sumplace wher you wont destroy yer home & set that stuff on fyre jump up & down yelling yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaw kik the durt etc sumtymez a grrrrl just needza ritual in order to move on personally i find fire helpful
Do whatever it may take to make you feel better- as long as it's safe and healthy!!! De-friend if you must. Good luck!
:)
Ir's acceptable to de-friend him. Don't let yourself get into the mindset that someone's gonna call you bitchy for it, either, if you worry about that kind of thing: your logic is impeccable. You don't want to see him, the things he has done have hurt you and continue to hurt you, so it's sticking up for yourself that you've removed him from your life. It doesn't hurt that you'll feel a little more dignified after doing it, since your pride was probably injured from being in a relationship where you were the one interested in him. Because now you're clearly not.
I think you did the right thing
Its normal to want compliments from your SO, because it makes you feel that much more special than a normal comment from your friend.
I think if i was in your shoes i would have the same feelings. If your in a one-sided relationship than it isn't a relationship at all. and well not all relationships have to work out. You did the right thing choosing to break up. In terms of getting over him. just ask yourself why did you break up? and unfriending him on facebook is a big step lol cause we all know that facebook is just a way to stalk people even when you don't even intend to XD
i, too, am learning to de-friend, and delete. u're not alone...
time will take the sorrows away, if not, let it be part of you and eventually you will move on without him
i totallly..
understand you.
You can do whatever makes you feel better! When my ex boyfriend broke my heart, I never bothered to get closure, and as the months went by (it's been about 5 months) I started to get mad (luckily he was in college). I deleted him off every possible connection. When he contacted me (apparently I don't know how to block people on MSN) and told me it bothered him, then I was fine.
It was still hard to resist punching him when I hung out with him a few weeks ago.
That's just me though, it may take longer/shorter for you to get over him but do whatever you think will make you happier.
Let's see...he treated you like crap for months, and you're feeling guilty for unfriending him of Facebook. Why? Because it might make him feel bad?