Wednesday, 28 January 2009

• Early Relationships: Top Five Things Not To Worry About

  Occasionally my boyfriend and I will be talking and our pre-dating/just-started-dating phases will come up in conversation. We were really good friends beforehand, so it was probably easier for us than most couples, but there was still a lot of freaking out on both sides. We were having one of these conversations recently, sharing things that worried each of us near the beginning of our relationship, and I was struck by how ridiculous some of the stuff he worried about was, just as he was alarmed by the stuff I freaked out about.

  I thought it was my duty as a Datingish member to post this PSA so that both sexes knew what did not need to be the cause of an anxiety attack for those awkward "beginner" moments.

  Girls...

  1) DO NOT try and attract/impress a guy with cleavage/legs. You might think your look is sexy and is going to make him notice you/fall even more in "like" with you, but it's really just going to make him uncomfortable.
  

  If you are trying to attract a guy with this approach, you are going to get all the wrong guys with all the wrong intentions. If you are trying to further impress a guy you have recently begun dating, he is just going to feel weird and worry about where to look, what kind of girl you are, what you're expecting from him, whether he can even take you out in public wearing that (nobody likes their SO being ogled), and other such things. Just avoid the whole debacle and leave something to the imagination.
  

  Examples (what NOT to do):
  
  
  
  2) DO NOT obsess over your makeup. Honestly, he won't notice. Guys prefer natural beauty (meaning your actual face) over the perfectly-toned and sparkly version you spent half an hour concocting in front of the mirror.
  

  I know you're trying to impress him, but think of it this way: Would you want to breathe in/kiss all the crap that is on your face right now? Same goes for perfume. Yes, you smell nice, but wear too much and he'll be able to taste it. My boyfriend has said countless times that if he kisses my cheek or neck, he can taste the makeup and it's "bitter" and "gross". I've taken to not wearing much, if any, when I'm with him. This is not to say that makeup and perfume are unacceptable, merely that it should be done in moderation and look as natural as possible.
  

  Examples:
  
  PASS VS. FAIL
  
  
  3) DO NOT try on everything in your closet trying to find that perfect outfit. Same principle as the makeup; he will not notice.
  

  As long as you don't do something like wear a hoodie and sweatpants out to a dinner date (fast food excluded, but that's not a real dinner anyway), then you will be just fine. He really isn't going to care whether you wear the red or the blue.
  
  4) DO NOT worry about what you eat. Note: I said what you eat, not how you eat.
  

  You may be tempted to avoid foods like chicken wings, spaghetti, soup, etc. because of their messy or difficult qualities, but he really isn't going to care if you get buffalo sauce in the corner of your lips or can't quite get the spaghetti to curl up enough on the fork so ya have that one long piece you have to accommodate. However, this is no excuse to be a slob. Yes, you can have spaghetti, but you cannot slurp it and spray sauce all over your face, clothes, and the tablecloth. Basic manners aside, order whatever you like.
  
  5) DO NOT worry about the way you're talking, laughing, smiling, etc.
  

  He has probably already noticed these things anyway, so don't all of a sudden get self-conscious about your laugh or that gap between your teeth. Odds are, he finds the stuff you're worried about endearing.

  Guys...

  1) DO NOT worry about where to take us.
  

  Now, there are logical exceptions to this rule, like a wrestling match for a first date is probably not a good idea (for most girls), but common sense should rule out anything truly terrible you might think of. Obsessing over whether to go to a steakhouse or a Chinese place is really not necessary, but if you really are all that worried about making the wrong decision, ask. It's perfectly acceptable to co-plan a first/early date, so don't stress.
  
  2) DO NOT use a pickup line or cutesy comment to break the ice with a girl. It's just a poor play.
  

  It's not entirely your fault, though; pickup lines have an automatic bad stigma, but still avoid this tactic. Be genuine and you'll get a much better response than if you had gone with "Did it hurt?".
  
  3) DO NOT worry about your car. My boyfriend de-cluttered, vacuumed, and hung an air freshener in his car before the first time I rode in it as his girlfriend.
  

  I had been in the car before quite a few times when we were still friends, and I really didn't mind the Mountain Dew bottles, soccer gear or various sweatshirts in the backseat. He has since lightened up about it and I still don't notice all the clutter unless I have to grab something back there for him, and even then, I don't mind. As long as it doesn't smell bad and there isn't evidence of a week's worth of fast food on the floor, we're just fine.
  
  FAIL
  
  
  4) DO NOT feel like you always have to be talking/in conversation. Sometimes girls are quiet; it just happens.
  

  It doesn't mean you're boring or that we're not having a good time, and you don't have to come up with something to stop the lull. If you already have some chemistry, the conversation will pick up shortly anyway. If it is just an awkward date entirely, then it's probably best to cut your losses.
  
  5) DO NOT be nervous about going in for a kiss/holding hands. This one is by far the most important.
  

  To be frank, guys are notorious for not catching on to the little signals and hints that girls use, so if you are even thinking that we might be hinting that we want you to hold our hand or kiss us, odds are we've been trying to get you to catch on for a while now.
  

  Unless you're some kind of psycho and think you get hints all the time and all girls want you, you'll do just fine relying on instincts. We're already out with you, so this is just the natural progression of things. If we weren't ready or didn't want to, it would be obvious and you wouldn't be getting hints or signals at all. If you're really worried about if it's the right time and you don't want to just go for it, you really can ask. "Is it okay if I kiss you now?" would seriously not be weird at all. In fact, it would be a sign that you respect us and don't want to do anything we're not okay with. Not to say that you have to do that, but no girl would hold it against you.

  I hope some of these rules come to mind for your next "datingish" experience!

  • 12:20 PM
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