Recently, I had an epiphany:
I'm okay with not marrying. EVER. In fact, I'm okay with being single for the rest of my life.
(note: by "single", I mean being alone and/or dating casually, with few lasting romantic relationships.)
Now, this post isn't a rousing written version of Beyonce's "Single Ladies." It isn't a post written from a place of bitterness, sadness, disdain or any other similar reaction to failed relationships or bad dates. And I'm not about to watch a
Sex and the City marathon while waving around Cosmopolitans and yelling "I don't need a man!"
No - what this post is about is my quiet acceptance of the possibility that I will die single, without having been married or in a truly fulfilling relationship. Okay, it sounds depressing, but really, it's not; it's liberating. And it's also kind of scary, because I don't think many people, if any, are okay with dying single.
I know people often say, "I love being single. It's so much fun!" But I don't think they mean, "I love being single so much that I wouldn't mind being single until the day I die!" I think what they mean is "I'm happy where I am right now because it's only until I find the right person with whom to have a relationship."
Let me be clear on something: I'm not a misanthrope. It's not that I want to be alone, or that I want to die alone. And it's not that I've stopped dating and hoping. It's just that I'd rather be single than be in a relationship that isn't fulfilling, and that, as a byproduct of that attitude, it is possible that I will be single for a great deal of my life, and die single. Honestly, I would love to have a fantastic relationship that leads to a happily-ever-after marriage; I still hope for it. But if I don't find it, EVER, I'm okay with that. Not HAPPY, but accepting.
So, I'd like to know what you think. For those people who are single - would you be okay with being single for the rest of your life if you don't find your "soulmate"? Is "being happy single" merely code for "being happy single UNTIL you find a great long-term relationship"? Is it a depressing thought to die single, or is it something that can be liberating? And - does anyone else share my feelings?
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Comments (147)
Well... If you don't find someone you like, you kinda don't have a choice about being single, whether you accept it or not lol.
But personally, I don't think I would accept it. I'd go out and find myself a good man!
Will you marry me? I don't wanna die single!
With the way I plan to live my life. I wouldn't mind being single the way you describe it. However, when I'm "too old" I'd want someone there too. To be old with, who knows me, and who can't complain cuz at least we have someone. haha.
I'd also like to have a 'soul mate.' because who doesn't want to find "The One"?
Single until I find a great, long term relationship.
Wow its great that you feel so comfortable with being single for the rest of your life. I admire you for this :) Its really hard for people (and ME) to accept that it is OKAY to be single for the rest of your life. bravo :)!
I'm glad someone other than me thinks this. I've always heard "I don't wanna be alone *sob sob sob*"
I think it would be nice to have a husband, and maybe a kid or two (not really determined to have them) but if God has other plans for me, then it's fine. I'm not scared of being single for the rest of my life.
I think dying single is a great idea. I'll spread my seeds around before dying "alone" though. =D
Honestly, the idea of marriage is pretty hallow. Marriage is almost like slavery when things are bad, and when things are good... it'll bound to go bad..... You're with the same person for the rest of your life... you have to learn to work with each other, though all the bad things and all the drama... why not just have good years out of the relationship and just remember it as that? And I honestly don't think this day of age we could be truly "one and only".
wow, props to you.
I truly don't think I can say I'd be fine with being single until the day I die.
then again, I'm in a ridiculously fulfilling relationship right now, but regardless.. I'd want that.. I don't enjoy being single :(
@Neowind@xanga - hey man, have a little faith! not everyone's a cheater! there's still some genuinely good people out there enjoying a fulfilling marriage! :)
You sound like you have a healthy outlook on not only dating, but life. It's a journey, not a destination. Each day you move through whether it be single, on a date, or in a relationship, can be fulfilling even if it's not in line or even on the path to your goals. Too many people feel that each day gone by that's not towards their goals is lost, and that makes me sad, because they are losing valuable days that would otherwise make up wonderful fulfilling memories of a life well lived. I'm not saying every day is wonderful, I'm just saying that sometimes people forget that a day IS wonderful, just because it wasn't on their path to their goal. Good for you.
I wouldn't like to die single... I would like to find companionship! :)
I came to accept this possibility long ago. I told my parents that if I don't find the right person, I wouldn't mind being single. I'd rather be alone than in a poor marriage.
Would you be okay with being single for the rest of your life if you don't find your "soulmate"? If I don't find the right girl, who will accept me for me and with whom I share some type of connection with and attraction for, I think I'd stay single until I met her. I'm one of those hopeless romantics who will never give up on true love.
Is "being happy single" merely code for "being happy single UNTIL you find a great long-term relationship"? Yes.
Is it a depressing thought to die single, or is it something that can be liberating? Very depressing. I hope to die a long time from now, having lived a full life with my wife, my companion, and my friend (because she would be all three).
Honestly, I think it's easy to say that now, but wait until you're 50 and everyone around you is married and has kids. Then you might not be so ok with it. It's great that you say you would rather be alone than in an unfulfilling marriage. But when you're older, your definition of fulfilling may change and then that may be harder for you to say.
Although also, women technically die single quite often because even if you're married and you stay married into old age, the men typically die first.
I wouldnt mind be single for the rest of my life. I definitly agree with what was said about being single is better than being in a bad marriage. Another reason I agree is because I feel like sometimes a relationship just hold me back from being me. There is too much attention I have to give out to be in one.
Everyone dies alone anyway, nothing to do to change that. Why have a sidekick in the first place.
Dying alone is honestly my greatest fear.
- John
I have been married three times and I can tell you that it is much better to be alone than to wish you were alone. There is no lonelier feeling than sitting on your own couch in your own home with your own spouse on the other end of the couch and feeling that you can't communicate with that person at all. I was in a marriage for years with a man who said he loved me but acted like he really didn't like me. He tried to change everything about me, the way I dressed, the things I was interested in, my friends and on and on. It is worse than being homeless because you have a home but you don't want to go there because he is there.You have pointed out a very important difference in being happy single or married. You must feel at peace with yourself first.
aren't we born single? we are born alone with out money, and I guess so we will die. Sure its nice to have those romantic stories where you grow old with your husband and when he passes away you die of a broken heart and that jazz. But what's the chance? Really? Sometimes it is better to realize this lonely fact but then be free to enjoy what comes then worry about being with someone till you DIE!
I can't wait to be an angry cat lady! Huzzah!
Women like you are rare, but not as rare as you think. I predict that people like us are a harbinger of a new relationship type especially with an increasingly hectic lifestyle and an ever-shortening 24 hour day. we are the way of the future. Just watch what happens in 20 years. Personally, I hope I never marry.
You sound exactly like my best friend in the whole wide world. I'm also convinced she's wrong.
you should read the book "quirkyalone" by sasha cagen. i just finished it; soooo validating!
If I'm going to die alone, I want to die before I hit 65.
I had a similar realization. Sure, it'd be great if I met the perfect man and got married and lived happily ever after...but I'm quite content in my singlehood - to remain single. It's not that I have to prove that I don't need a man to be complete. It's that I really do know it. I'm happy being single - even if it means forever.