Monday, 26 January 2009
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Can People Change, Even "Tools"?
There's this new show on VH1 that I happened to catch the other day. It's called Tool Academy, and you can watch it here. It's much like the other reality shows that VH1 has put out over the last couple of years like Flavor of Love, I Love New York, etc. I know these shows are stupid, but somehow I always end up watching a couple of episodes. And while I usually don't talk about them, I had to write about Tool Academy. The premise of the show is a group of guys are conned into participating by believing that they are on a show called "The Most Awesome Guy". In actuality, their girlfriends have signed them up for the show because they are "tools," (read: douchebags, jerks, etc.). The real show is revealed to the guys on the first episode and every week they compete to see who is the least "tool"ish.
These guys are on the show for a reason; almost all of them have cheated and continue to cheat on their girlfriends; they disrespect the girls, party way too much, have no career or job and lack commitment. Oh, and they all have a nickname for their party personas.
The shocking part is that the girlfriends who put them on the show are in love with them. Instead of leaving the relationship, they are committed to trying to change them, regardless of how long the bad habits have lasted. The girls make empty threats that they'll leave if the guys don't change, but once a guy gets kicked off of the show, he says that he has finally opened his eyes and promises to change; the girl begins to cry and they're back together. Each girl has said that the other girls and relationships on the show will never work out and that the guys will never change. Somehow each girl believes that her relationship and boyfriend are different, that he'll finally change. This is proof that most girls like/love the "bad boy," assholes, idiots, frat boys and douchebags.
Maybe flaws give girls a reason to stay in a relationship so they can change the flawed guys. Some girls might like the extreme up and downs of a relationship, and when a guy does change his personality and habits, it shows the ultimate commitment to the girl. I don't know what girls are thinking, but I do know guys fall victim, too. Some guys are so blinded by beauty or charm that they don't see that the girl is bad news. To be honest, I think a girl can be too "nice," and that just makes it boring. Excitement is in the mystery and danger and I'm drawn to that, but we can be easily fooled that it's good for us.
Have you seen Tool Academy? Has anyone actually changed another person's habits while in a relationship?
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- From: sharp_addiction@xanga
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Comments (28)
don't have cable so I've never seen it. I say let those people stay together. They deserve each other in most aspects.
I tried watching an episode of this show. Honestly, I think it's bullshit since they kick an offender out at the end rather than allowing him to stay on and actually giving the group therapy or whatever they call it a chance to sink in and actually give them a fighting chance to change themselves.
Besides, unless these guys really - and I mean really - want to change, they aren't. An episode or two in group therapy with their girlfriend bawling and the counselor lady saying "Do you really want to keep making your girlfriend cry?" is going to do jack squat in the long run.
Never saw it but I know you should never start a relationship with someone thinking that you can change some "problem" with that person.
Urgh, there's the whole "frat guy" stereotype. I know a bunch of fraternity men who are amazing, smart, kind, and respectful of women. Stop generalizing.
While it's unlikely a man will change his entire personality, obviously guys can become better people by losing some of the behaviors that made them jerks. A friend of mine had a boyfriend that used to do drugs but gave them up and cut down on his drinking because he knew it made her worry about him. I don't really agree with what you're saying about the girls, either- just because they love someone who has flaws (which, let's face it, everyone does) doesn't mean girls prefer men that way. Obviously, if we find a guy who's perfect, we're gonna go for him. But there aren't a lot of those out there, so the general approach is to find someone we like and try to help him become the best possible version of himself. If you're a nice guy and girls don't seem to be going for you, maybe they just don't know you well enough to see how great you are!
i watched it for the first time today.
almost the worst show i've seen.
i watched this show for the first time last weekend while i was working out.. i wanted to slap all the girls for staying with those guys. there is no way they are happy in life staying with men they need to make stop cheating on them and/or make them stop treating them like crap. the boys didnt give a crap about their girlfriends, and no they arent going to change.
I think I've watched like a snippet of it and changed the channel because it didn't seem that interesting, but now that I've read the low-down, maybe I will start watching it.
People can change and I sure as hell know that I've changed some of my bad habits but to be honest it was never while in a relationship. Nor have I successfully changed any of my ex's to my own liking...haha that is probably why they are ex's. Change doesn't happen unless a person wants to change and even then another persons' influence is minimal at best. Maybe that is why most of these relationships don't fair too well. Or perhaps, maybe women who do fall for these types of men should ask themselves, 'Why am I not with a guy that I like just for the way he is without changing anything at all?'. Eh, I guess it's for the challenge of changing someone.
But either way, I hope these women realize that there are still better men out there and like Patty Smith says, "Sometimes love just ain't enough".
I haven't seen it, but I think I need to sign up my friend for it. He recently cheated on his girlfriend with me (long story...don't ask....it's over now...) and he admitted to me that this was the second time he's cheated on this girlfriend, and that he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had. This sounds perfect for him.
But to actually answer the question. I don't think they will change until the find the right person. If that's how they are, it's how they are. If they've cheated on you once, they'll cheat on you again. Until they find the right person, who they don't need to cheat on, they'll keep doing it.
I'm in a fraternity and I don't act like, nor am I, a tool. Secondly, that is not proof that women like the "bad boy" type. It's proof that VH1 is showing some beautiful women with false hopes of changing their men when they really need to be focusing on obtaining some self-respect.
The worst part of the show is this: The women expect their men to truly change, but the couple that wins is awarded $100,000. You really think the guy cares about changing for the girl?
It saddens me when I see women in situations like the ones in the show. I hate when women are disrespected and treated poorly. I hate it even more when the women don't realize that they deserve more respect.
the show is fucking dumb.
I like Tool Academy. I think the premise is a little outrageous, but I do think people can change... Always have, always will... unless, I change...LOL...
I've never tried to change anyone, but have made changes for some of the girls I've dated. Things like quitting smoking or not farting at will. You know, small stuff.
I've never seen it, nor do I plan on wasting my time watching things like that.
I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now & I was told the other day by his sister that I've got a "hold" on him. For some reason, he'll stop himself from doing certain things 'cause he knows I don't like it. I was surprised when she told me this but it made me think about how he limited his time spent playing Warcraft 'cause it hindered his schooling.. Or the time he realized he had a gambling problem & left me shocked & hurt when he confessed he had left me at the bus station to take the bus home [with a creeper in the next seat] while he drove halfway to CT [pretty much halfway home for me] to go to a casino.. & proceeded to lose $3,000, bringing the total to like $10,000 including all his online games. To make things worse, he had lied about where he was going.. Needless to say, he hasn't played since & it's been over 8 months! :) My boyfriend has also become more decisive over the years.. he knew his indecisiveness was an unattractive trait so he's really stepped it up & just blows my mind.
Wow.. I guess looking at what I just wrote, made me realize several things. 1- I'm demanding as heck!! & 2- I'm a lucky girl.. I've got to stop being such a brat to the boyfriend. :(
Another dumb show, it seems.
Well, it's more like just another exhibition of idiots on TV. That's what most reality shows are, anyway.
I don't understand girls that go for this type of crap that they get from their sorry boyfriends. I don't think I could even find myself near a jerk, let alone consider dating him. And once they cheat, they're done.
It's dumb for these girls to think they can "change" people. I don't see why they insist, isn't it more work than simply looking for a guy that they don't have to change? Or maybe they think they can't do any better. If they're that dumb, maybe they can't...
I think minor changes like some of the datingish people here have talked about are definitely possible if you really care about your S/O. Major changes like going from Tool to not-a-tool are generally only possible when life-changing things happen because you are talking about a change to someone's outlook on life. The essence of being a tool/douchebag is caring about no one but yourself.
I haven't seen the show but it sounds like your typical hot chick with douchebag scenario. The guy is a total douche and because he doesn't care he will do/say whatever he wants. The girl does care, whether it is because she is a "Fixer" or because she has low self esteem/doesn't think she can do any better and because she cares she puts forth all the effort. The bottom line is it isn't going to work until they both pull their heads out of their kiesters!
@MiladyMasked@xanga - Just
to clarify, I didn't mean to write this entry about how nice guys
finish last or getting "friend zoned." I just don't like seeing the
girls on the show and some of my friends who do everything for a guy
that doesn't deserve it. You're right, not every frat guy is a
negative stereotype.
@Spyder_V@xanga - I didn't know they end up winning 100k; I thought they were still in it to win "Mr. Awesome."
I haven't seen the show, but its true that most girls go for jerks. I just always believed it was because they were mostly superficial and materialistic.
Anyway, yeah some guys go for the wrong girls too. Personally I've done that...well let's just say more than once. But then, girls nowadays are purposefully hard to read and choose not to be open & vulnerable with a guy either. They always feel they need to hide and to act strong, like its a competition or something.
As far as going into the relationship with the purpose of changing the other person, I would say that is not only a bad idea to even try, it is also dishonest and manipulative. You don't really love him or her, you just want to 'fix' them because you think you know, and therefore are better yourself. -And aren't you such a good person for even trying and being with them?
This is not to say that people can't change. They can and do. In fact, (virtually) everyone does and should. Especially in a relationship. Both people should learn not only about the other person, but about themselves as well. They change and grow together.
So just because there's a bunch of girls on a TV show with loser boyfriends, it means that most women go for guys who don't treat them right? That's like watching Jerry Springer and coming to the conclusion that most people need multiple paternity tests for their kids to find out who fathered them. Shows like that go for extreme cases, because "normal" people just don't make very good reality TV material.
Yes, some girls make bad choices with men. And maybe you can even say most girls have made at least one bad choice. (And so have guys) But that doesn't mean most women gravitate toward the users and abusers. That idea comes from the nice guys who can't get dates and don't want to think that it could possibly be something they're doing wrong rather than something wrong with the entire female gender.
And to answer the original question: yes, people can change. But not because they're SO puts up with bad behaviour and sticks around hoping they'll change. They change because THEY want to.
a tv show is not going to change a "tool"
you said, at the end, that guys are also the victim.
that they're blinded by our "beauty and charm"
a girl being "too nice" or "boring" or a girl who lacks mystery or danger doesn't deserve to be cheated on.
i totaly don't see it as the guys being the victim.
(really, or anyone being the victim)
once you sign up for a relationship, change has to be made on both sides.
Yes, I have seen this show, and I must say, they are stupid for staying with those "tools" but it's nice to think that maybe they will change. If only for the fact of thinking you're worth changing over.
My experience, is that my boyfriend would talk to girls in a dating manner behind my back, compliment them when he wouldn't compliment me, tell them he liked me, etc.
This may sound naive, but it's the truth- all it took was losing me one time to realize that I WAS worth changing for.
I'm probably not going to explain how I know he changed, because it is immature and childish and an invasion of privacy (haha) and I do know I can trust him fully now, even though I do get paranoid sometimes.
But as far as Tool Academy goes, I'm going to have to say that if a guy is THAT bad, or it happens more than once, yeah, he's not going to change, for you or anyone- at least not right now.
Yeah I have tried to change my boyfriend's bad habits before.. but it's easy with him it seems. I told him after he started smoking again that I disliked it and I won't be with him if he continued. ...And he quits.
But it's not always like that. People do not like change and changing themselves? that's like asking a man to pee sitting... And even if they do change.. it is only short term and they will usually revert back to their old ways.
So yeah I do agree these girls are truly fooling themselves. But hey.. women do love drama and what brings more drama than a cheating lying asshole boyfriend?
i supposedly might have .. but who knows
Uhh, you do realize that show is scripted right?
@radiating_sunlight@xanga - NOO!! You mean flavor flav wasn't really looking for love, either?