Monday, 26 January 2009
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My BF Took Over My Group of Friends
My friends used to tell me all the time, "It's just not a party without you!" We were all really close.
Then there was this guy that I really liked. After a while, we started dating, and they loved him too . . . but apparently a little too much. Within our group of friends, he was one of the few guys and often the only one that was around. But throughout the past six months or so, eventhey only invite him to go out and do things with them; they don't even talk to me anymore.
I made sure not to strain my friendship with my group of friends when the boyfriend came along. When BF and I started dating, one of my guy friends told me, "It doesn't seem like you two are dating. I mean, you guys are pretty much the same person."
I feel like I've been replaced, and it sucks! Nobody talks to me; recently BF even told me that one of the girls (a recent addition to the group of friends, so I've never met her) kept hitting on him and wouldn't leave him alone. I am not one to get jealous, but he was a little too flattered by it.
He doesn't tell me when he hangs out with them or invite me. I mean, they were my friends first - I introduced them! I feel so childish for admitting all of this.Is it just jealousy? What am I doing wrong?
I am considering just breaking off the relationship. But would it just be out of jealousy? I feel like I have fallen off the face of the earth.
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Comments (23)
It would be wrong to break off your relationship, but I think it's just as wrong for them to ignore you. You should talk to your friends and ask them to clearly explain why they don't want to hang out with you anymore. You should also ask your boyfriend to clearly explain why he doesn't invite you along to outings with your friends. If the answer is simply that he enjoys being, basically, a pimp and they enjoy being his "ladies," then maybe you should find yourself a new group of friends and a new boyfriend. However, do talk to them first, and communicate that you're upset about this.
Let the newness of him get old. I've been on both ends of your situation. I've been the one who brought him in, and I've been the one brought in and loved.
Jealousy is just your human showing. Give it time. Also, call your friends up and make plans with them, just you guys sometime. Don't get over upset if they have plans with him already, but don't be afraid to ask if you can tag along. You never know if they're just waiting on you to ask to join.
I personally think you should talk to him. If he's not telling you about the invites, there might be something wrong. Just sit him down and talk about the situation, how it makes you feel, and why he thinks it's going on. You might be surprised when he might not even realize what's happening.
Talk to your boyfriend and group of friends. At least give them a chance to stop being so inconsiderate and rude. Then, if they don't change, find yourself a new set of friends.
One of my really close friends were talking one day about a similar subject and even she knows it would be an incredible conflict of interest to hang out with my boyfriend without me there.
i think you should talk to your bf and your friends, confront with them. Ask them what is wrong.
talk to your friends, tell them how you feel...maybe it's a perception thing. if things don't get better, well....you know the answer.
gosh what's wrong with your friends? whether or not they become friends with your bf, they should still be inviting you to do things. and your bf should be inviting you by theory of extension - maybe that's what your friends are assuming? talk to both parties!
Get out. Quick.
Sadly, it's more than likely already too late for you to get out unscathed. From what it sounds like, these people(your "friends") will take his side and you might have to fight for this.
Keeping your individuality in this case is more important than keeping a boyfriend your friends love. The fact that he's not calling you to hang out with your friends is interesting AND sketchy.
Your guy friend already said, "you two are like the same person!". A relationship happens between TWO people. Becoming the same person eliminates the "relationship" aspect, and can easily lead to a lack of confidence and possibly an identity crisis.
Being seen as two individuals in a relationship is normal, optimal, average, the best case. Being seen as one person is absolutely awful.
Get out. Quick.
It is fact, not jealousy. I have had an experience with this too and trust me breaking it off won't matter. They have made their decision and you breaking it of with any of them will give them a reason to distance themselves further. I woudl say confront them in a cool and collect way and discuss how you feel. If they are understanding then maybe they really did not realize what they were doing. If not, find yourself some new friends.
@JeRtle@xanga - i had similar experiences too.
as well, there's always people who have nothing better to do but to create social dramas.
my advise to you is, you can't change other people, the only person you can change is you. however, i don't see problems in you, so maybe is time for you to make some new friends? good luck with everything :)
I can understand why you're getting upset. Don't break up with your bf if this is your only issue. Just talk it out w/ your bf AND your friends and let them know that they've been ditching you for a guy they barely know.
I think it's pretty mess up that he doesn't invite you along when he's hanging out with your friends...even if they are his friends now.
Wow, that's terrible. I know that feeling of being left out all the time...
You should definitely tell your bf how you feel about this. If you can, try to stay in touch with your friends too. If you're close with any of them maybe you can talk to them about it too. I'm sure it must be hard, feeling neglected like that. Don't give up, though! And don't feel jealous, either...jealousy is an ugly and useless feeling...you don't need that.
talk to your friends and your boyfriend....
your boyfriend may be a bit oblivious and may also want to make sure that your friends like him....
and talk to you friends about what bothers you and why. and see if they're doing it on purpose or not.... =)
You shouldn't break it off, unless you don't like him of course. Just talk to your friends and ask why they're doing that. I think it's best to just talk to them all, you wouldn't want to stop being friends with them right? So, talk it out!
this feels like one of those high school essay questions?
where they give you something to read and you ask you a question and you have to use sources from the piece of writing? everything you need is written in this blog.
the girl was hitting on him too much and "he was a little too flattered"?
and the one person who said you two are like the same person?
and they invite him to everything, but not you?
and then he, YOUR OWN BOYFRIEND, doesnt invite you?
i don't think things are gonna change between your friends
if you break up with him. i think he'll still be friends with them and you'll still be left out.
it's not childish or immature what you feel.
it's an asshole thing that your "friends" are doing.
find better friends
and find a better boyfriend.
ok, i was a bit harsh on the boyfriend part.
don't dump him if this is the only reason.
but maybe its time to find new friends.
wow... something is definitely wrong with the bf if he's hanging out with them without u....especially if there's another girl who has a crush on him. i just think the situation is plain weird. my hubby would never do that to me.
f** the group and dump the boyfriend..how the hell are they going to diss you and start hanging out with YOUR man onlii, and how in the hell is the boyfriend going to sit there and allow it, If anything he should be saying "well if my girlfriend isnt invited then im not coming" but nope he is out havin a good time...Also where does that give you guys time to hangout? do you guys hang out? does he diss you to hangout with them?
wow that's not cool of either your friends or your bf... but, then it could also just be a misunderstanding... i'm sure your friends don't mean to ditch you or anything.
talk it out and see where it goes from there
It would be silly to break the relationship off for that. Talk to him about it, talk to your friends about it. When you find out he is out with them invite yourself. They are YOUR friends and he is YOUR boyfriend, so just show up!
With me my ex feels I took over her friends. That is because she let me, I was not willing to lose the friendships I made. But she would not come around much when I was with them. And then she just stopped trying.
RDW
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what the heck is YOUR boyfriend doing?
He seems to forgot that you're HIS girlfriend.
Dump the boy & stop hanging out with that group of friends.
They don't deserve you.