Sunday, 25 January 2009

  • How I'll Determine If The Girl Is Right for Me

    I've been in very few serious relationships...two, as a matter of fact. Neither has worked out, and the other day I started wondering why.

    Now the first didn't work out because I caught her at a party with a couple of extra bones in her body, if you know what I mean, (yes, at the same time). The second was nothing like that; we're still friends and all, there was just college involved and blah blah blah.

    Anywho, I think that I've devised a way to determine, on the first date, if it is going to work out or not.

    Sense of humor is the most important, non-physical trait I look for in girls. I'm one of those people that is a hell of a lot better at being funny than I am about talking about feelings and all that Nicholas Sparks shit. I like to play pranks on people. It's fun.

    So my best friend and I were talking, and I've come up with a plan.

    I'll take her out to eat. Somewhere fairly nice, to instill a sense of my debonair (ha) personality into the evening. As we begin to talk, I reach across the table, steal all of her silverware, stick it in my pants, and continue to talk. If she asks why I did that, I'll just say "did what?" and continue talking. If she won't drop it, she's not for me. If she finally just says "fuck it" and steals my silverware, she's in. If she gets her silverware back, I propose.

    It may seem simple, and it is. It also may seem like it would never work, but most people spend years and years searching for that special someone anyway, with this technique I can move through a lot more potentials a lot faster.

    Stealing silverware is not the only way to find my love, however. Here are a few other tests I've devised:

    1. Every time the waiter refills my water glass, I rub my nipples and moan. If she's doing it for me by the end of the night, she's in.

    2. While we're talking about something intellectually stimulating, like Pascal or Tchaikovsky, I ask her if she'd rather have sex with Bea Arthur or Danny DeVito. If she answers, regardless of what she says (although I'd hope for Bea), she's more than qualified.

    3. I start rapping the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song randomly. If she's rapping with me by the time we get to "smell ya later," she might just be my Juliet.

    4. If we begin to discuss literature and she asks me my favorite book, I'll casually reply that the Marquis de Sade's 120 Days of Sodom is kind of my Bible. If she knows what it is, and stays at the table, there is hope.

    5. If there is music, I'll begin to flex my ass to the beat. When she asks why I'm bouncing up and down, I'll tell her that I'm chair dancing. If she's doing it before the end of the song, it's on.

    Any other ideas?

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