This is a guest blog submitted by nyclegodesi24.
I had a conversation a couple weeks ago about the preferences/ideals I place for the girl I see myself with. It was only then that I began asking myself what I desire to see in my girlfriend/wife. Besides the obvious spiritual/intellectual depth and a lot of goofiness, what do I want to see in my soulmate? (can't believe I just wrote the word "soulmate" - this takes a toll on my manhood.)
I started mentally jotting down things I wouldn't prefer about her. I remember a girl who wore the most colorful clothing - by colorful, I don't mean bright - I mean with numerous different colors. This girl wore a rainforest into school every day. She always coordinated from her nails to her shoes, but that's what annoyed me. She always seemed to be wearing a costume. So I don't think I prefer a girl who wears many multi-colored clothes every day. I don't think I'd prefer a girl to be much taller/shorter than me. If she's too tall, I'll get intimidated. If she's too short, I may intimidate her and then feel sorry for intimidating her.
I don't like this way of thinking. To be honest, I don't know what I'm looking for. I can't put words to my unconscious wishes. I can't flesh out my desires. They're hidden deep inside of me. I look with the hope that when I find the right person, I'll see her fulfill those virtues I never knew I wanted. The expectations I write down are superficial, and I don't want her to fulfill them. She is a very boring person who can meet my lame preconceived expectations. I want her to break and lift my expectations to the gifts I don't deserve but believe I will receive despite myself. And she may as well wear a rainforest or be 7 (or 4.3) feet tall.
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Comments (23)
Umm... kinda confusing there, but I think I see what you're saying. Okay.
What i have found that has helped me over the years if starting by weeding out things that i don't want. Like i dated a guy who was way to clingy.. and decided i don't want a guy who will smother me. Then i dated a guy who i saw every other weekend.. then decided that i didnt want a guy who couldnt make ENOUGH time for me.
But more importantly. A guy with the same qualities as my dad. I look up to him more than i think he realizes and i have always admired him. So ever sense that is what i have looked for in a guy, and have so far i seem to be pretty successful at finding guys that are good for me (with one or two exceptions of course)
So maybe you should think of the women in your life that you love and admire and write down the qualities you like about them. Maybe that will lead you to your dream girl! haha or maybe you'll find out you dont like those women so much after a more careful examination.. as it sounds like that is kind of your problem lol
The best of luck to you!!
I think God always has something better in mind than what we can come up with ourselves. Sometimes, like you said, some of those traits which we wouldn't think we'd like may be something which later we realize doesn't matter so much, or maybe helps us to love them anyway, or to grow. I always tried to envision what my daughter would be like before she was born, but when she finally arrived, she was better than I could have even imagined her to be. It was as though God knew better than I even knew myself, how awesome she had to be. =)
So, that's the assurance I have that whomever He has in mind for me (If He does), will also be just right.
Dude, you'll definitely know when you meet her. It'll just click!
You want to date a girl who doesn't meet any of your expectations..
would she then be mediocre, totally normal, nothing extraordinary
or just weird..not conventionally beautiful, an oddity by definition..but is able to capture your heart?
you may have some luck dating actresses, dancers, artists, musicians, entertainers
don't worry you'll just be attracted to whoever matches your immune system and balances out your traits. just relax. sheesh.
That was an awesome second to last sentence you wrote. Good luck finding her, whoever she is =].
I'd rather have someone who EXCEEDS my expectations, not just fulfill them.
You have to reach a point where "the girl of your dreams" doesn't have a face, body, style, or anything that you can imagine in detail. When you create an image of that girl, you tend to shut out other possibilities, even if the right girl looks nothing like that. You can have priorities and preferences, but don't cling TOO tightly to them. You weed out the less important stuff as time passes.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...just be patient, and don't be picky. You'll know who the right person is with your heart, not your eyes.
it's good that you're open-minded and accepting. sounds like you want to be surprised by love!
ok, no rainforests. got it. =)
i actually really like that description of "she wore a rainforest..." it's rather poetic, and sounds really pretty to me. For your sake I hope you fall in love with a rainforest girl ;)
Beautiful! thank you for writing this... it encouraged me.
Maybe you just need to think about what you want a little bit more?
I've decided that it's nice to have some ideas of things you like, but more importantly, to simply understand the dealbreakers. Those are important, because half the time you don't even KNOW what you want, but usually you at least know what you DON'T want (there might be a few unknowns there too, but far fewer). Seems somewhat of a pessimistic way to approach it, but believe it or not, I find it much healthier. It means I have no pre-conceived notions of what she should be (well, i have some, but not so many as to attempt to fit a girl into some kind of attribute box).
GOOD LUCK, hope you find your special someone!
Aww how cute.
Same here, actually. I am reluctant to jot down a list of expectations... because who knows what kind of person I would fall in love with?
Things like clothing styles might seem like a dealbreaker at first, but I believe that it can also be very secondary under certain circumstances.
men like us, cannot determine which is which. these thing come out naturally as we don't expect them to be. being open-minded is a good way to begin things with.
I think expectations mean there will be limitations. I think it's good to know some cocrete things, like religious views, but keeping it open-minded is a very good approach in my opinion... I think you want to fall genuinely in love--like you don't want to fall in love w/some model you've created in your mind, but someone that completes you.
For me personally, I have very few expectations only b/c I don't want have a limited population to choose from...wow, that sounds very--something. Anyway, I support what you're trying to say here...
:e)
I agree with musings(see comment above) that it's very important to know what the deal breakers are. I don't want to limit the person into a box of descriptions and have it be unnatural.
Thank you everyone for your comments. You were all helpful, and I'm glad for the encouragement. I guess my point is that we can't go into a relationship with too many structured-out expectations. I think our culture has sort of ingrained in us ideals about women and men. We can free ourselves of that. I think it's much more exciting to redefine ideals. Thanks alot, I'm glad I wrote this post, if only to read your empathy; it tells me that there are others who look beyond the superficial, physical, desires for their spouses. If you're a guy like me, you can't afford to do that, heh.
I told myself a couple of years ago that I'd NEVER date a guy who was divorced and had kids or was Jewish. Because I'm a devout Catholic, I told myself that there would just be too many complications in dating someone like this.
Now I find myself attracted to a divorced, Jewish man with kids.
You just never know who God will put into your life.
Neither my husband nor I fit the "checklists" that we'd constructed. We both had clear ideas of what we were looking for in a spouse, and yet neither of us were it. Despite that though, things have worked out beautifully. So, I think you are wise fr recognizing that expectations aren't all that they're cracked up to be.
@Spyder_V@xanga - yup. what he said.