Friday, 23 January 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Does Living Together Ruin A Relationship?
Next year, my boyfriend of over a year will be transferring to my college. Having not had the greatest roommate experiences in the world, I have opted to live by myself next year in an on-campus apartment. My boyfriend doesn't exactly have money to throw around, so he will likely have to live in one of the four-person dorm rooms that we have on campus.
We've spent nights together before as well as just about every other second we have to spare, so it's safe to say that we're comfortable with each other. We've talked about getting married and we've both committed to this relationship for the long haul.
When he comes here to school, we're going to be spending much more time together, including nights and other free time at my apartment because we won't exactly be able to hang out at his dorm. Now, while I don't think we'll fight about changing the toilet paper or the proper placement of toothbrushes, I am worried about the possible consequences that practically living together will have on our relationship. I've heard opinions from both sides and I'm just not sure what to believe.
Does living together have a positive, negative or no impact on relationships? Does it solely depend on the people involved?
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Comments (36)
"You don't really know someone until you live with them."
It will tell you if you can live with him or not, as far as breaking you apart, I haven't had this experience, but it's possible if you have living habits that bother each other.
If you can't live together, what makes you think you'll be able to live happily married together? Just a thought.
But I think it depends on the people involved. If you guys are going through school, it's probably not the greatest idea--just for the fact that you want to save every penny possible. One of my friends thought of about every way possible to doctor up ramen into a passable meal!
Anyways. You need to think it out carefully, and let yourself and not others opinions make the decision.
I've been with my boyfriend about the same amount of time, and there are periods where I've lived at his house for up to like a week at a time, and then we'd still hang out like every day after that...
I think living together is what you make it. I've long since realized that my boyfriend has annoying, sometimes nasty, habits... But I usually don't get on his case about it unless it really directly affects me, and that's usually okay. He mostly tries to leave me alone about my womanly habits as well, and it all works out.
My boyfriend and I go through periods where I am at his house for a week+ at a time. In a dedicated relationship it all depends on the two people. Even if their are imperfections, one must learn to cope. None of us are perfect and there are imperfections in the person we love even on an every day basis. Therefore, why should accepting those imperfections matter so much? If you both have communication and dedication, their shouldn't be a reason why things can't work out. If there is something bothering you, talk to him about it. And you should let him know that he is aloud to talk to you about anything that might bother him about the situation.
It depends on the people. It's not like you 2 will have to sit there and stare at each other for 24 hours a day. You'll both be off at class or working, or whatever. If you 2 are talking marriage and stuff why not give living together a try?
i think it does depend on the people involved as well as where you are in the relationship. if you're comfortable with him and are willing to accept that he's probably not exactly like you in all of your living habits, i think you'll be okay...
and if you can't live together, you probably can't reasonably expect to have a happy marriage...
Both both.
No offense to the people who posted above me but I don't think that staying with an SO for a week at a time really gives you any sense of what it is like to live with them. Sure, you start to pick up on some of their annoying habits but I don't think a week is long enough for the reality of those habits to set in. Living together is about finding ways to deal with those faults day in and day out for YEARS .. not just for one or two weeks at a time.
If I were you, I would be very cautious about spending too much time together and allowing him to become a semi-live-in boyfriend. Obviously, living together doesn't always ruin relationships, but I certainly think that it can make relationships more stressful and more difficult to maintain. Since you're still in school I would try to focus on finishing your studies before adding the stress of a live-in relationship. Focus on being your own person for a bit and becoming more financially stable, etc. You'll have plenty of time to enjoy living together in the future.
I posted on this somewhat: http://www.xanga.com/MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio/688893974/you-want-to-live-together-i-dare-you/
Living together has a lot of consequences, and I only talked about a fraction of them in my post (and you can read the comments for a lot of other opinions on it). But the main point was this: living together doesn't create problems out of thin air that marriage won't have. What everyone says will be true, for different relationships. It's just unknown. But read my post...
It depends on the people. Eventually, you'll have to end up living together. Wether it's before or after marriage.
I don't think it helps, and statistically it isn't shown to help. It's possible to have a successful marriage without living together first- if you really need to find out what "living" with the other person is like, hang out with them all day all the time. You'd be kind of stupid if you didn't pick up on all the little things that you would finding out by actually living with them. I understand the logic that people use for living together before marriage but i think in many cases it's just the same-old people want immediate happiness, and aren't willing to wait for things. People want to live together NOW because it seems like something they would like so why wait until later? Americans need to learn to wait for things, we'd all be better off...
It depends on the couple. I lived with my boyfriend for 5 months after going out for only 6 months. It was perfectly fine. That's just because we already knew how to handle each other. I don't live there anymore but not because of how we get along, his family is just too loud.
It can be a disaster or it can be fun!
It depends on the people involved and their compatibility. I mean really, if you can't live together, how are you going to get married? Therefore you'd have compatibility issues. I think living together could make relationships even stronger.
@AuCinema@xanga - Agreed. You have forever to live together, so take more time to enjoy dating. It seems like once you live together, you lose that dating feeling.
@EarthsAzureLight@xanga - I don't know that I agree with that idea. I think you can get to know someone without having to live with them. This way you get to know the good things about a person so that hopefully those things that you may find irritating might not seem so bad when they are over shadowed by the good things you like about them/
I don't know that I think that its a good idea or a bad idea. But I will say this, if you are doing it simply because you want to get to know the person better, that may not be the road to marriage. Personally I don't agree with it, but hell it might work out better for you. On the flip side, it may not work out because you spend so much time being with each other, you will both feel like you are being smothered. It can kill a relationship just as easily as it can help one.
It really depends on the couple. Think about the lack of freedom or space with him all over your personal space. You'll learn all their bad habits, and vice versa. When you guys get in a fight, can you guys calmly talk about it instead of going berserk with each other? Really think about it before you jump in, and NEVER move in together because of money issue. He can always find a part time job to cover his dormitory rental dues.
I think it can kill the relationship if it isn't strong to begin with. If you can find his faults - and vice versa - and deal with them, I think you'll have a very happy life together. I believe there have been studies that show couples who live together prior to getting married are less likely to get divorced. Why? Because you figure out how to accommodate one another, or if you even want to live together if it means dealing with each other's faults, before getting married. Yay.
Is marriage magic? Why would living together after marriage be any easier than living together before marriage? You're still the same two people... right?
At least if you try it before getting married, and it doesn't work out, it's a lot less hassle to part ways.
@nubian_qween@xanga - You can never know someone's living habits or complete personal care without living with them to see for yourself.
@AuCinema@xanga - I agree.
Well I guess it really depends.
I had been visiting and staying over every weekend (or more) at my SO for the past two years and I lived at his place in the last three months.
So far so good. We didn't really have arguments about who's gonna do this or do that.
I don't really thing living together will ruin a relationship. If anything it'll just show you who your partner really is, and just to show you how his/her life really is.
And since you said you guys talked about marriage and stuff, I think living together will give you a great view of how your marriage will be like.
Which is a good thing, at least to me.
question..me and my boyfriend c eachother hangout whatever right me and my family are neat and clean when i go to his place there not as organized how is going to be when him and me get a place?? hmmm
Spending couple nights together is far different from "practically living together" or the official "move-in." More similarities or differences show and conflict is bound to happen. From here, it really would depend how you handle the situation. If you guys are sure, its for the long haul, I would say you will need to be a bit open minded that you are going to run into some problems and you have to handle it very logically. Will it ruin your relationship...that will be up to you....LUX
Living together has different effects on different people. It's no problem for some, but for others it can be disastrous. I think it also depends on age and maturity. There's a lot to be considered before moving in together, including little habits here and there, how the other person manages (or doesn't manage) things where they used to live, etc.