Thursday, 22 January 2009
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"I Need Space, But I Still Want You to Call Me!"
This is a guest blog submitted by msullan.
I was talking to my friend today about his recent breakup with his girlfriend. He was upset because she broke up with him, citing the need for space, but she's recently started calling him again.The thing is, he could picture himself with this girl in a forever-type way, and he was pretty caught off guard when she told him she needed space. But to make the situation worse, they started hanging out again.
Things between them are so good, and they always have a great time when they are around each other, but she still "needs space." In an effort to give her what she's asked for, he told her that when she is ready to call him again, she has to initiate it because he wasn't going to. She reacted by saying that was unfair to her because she would feel like she was using him if she just called him whenever she felt ready.
But does that mean that she wants him to call her too? Or that they just shouldn't speak at all? If someone says they want space, and the SO continues to call, isn't that against the rules?
He still loves this girl very much, and doesn't want to let go...but he doesn't want to wait around for her, either, if she doesn't want to be with him. With all these mixed signals, though, he is kind of lost on what to do at this point.
What is your take? When someone says they need space but they still want you to call, what are you supposed to do? What if you could see yourself with this person in the "forever" kind of way? Do you wait for them?
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- From: pancakes@xanga
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Comments (56)
i think he shoudl just get it straight with her. keep going and ask her if she is still interested in him or just break it off. never think about her again
To be straight honest, the last time I told a guy I needed space, I did it because I was interested in some one else, and wanted to test those waters without losing what I had.
*raises hand*
Hi, my name is Rebecca, and I am a jerk.
This girl must have like bipolar disorder. Either that, or she wants him to profess his total love to her... And the way she's trying to make him do that is by not being with him, so that he wants her more. Maybe he should try that out, you know - telling her that he loves her and can see himself spending the rest of his life with her and asking her to go out with him again. I have a feeling she will say yes.
i duno, im in a similar situation and am just as lost as he is.
I think she may be unsure about commiting to him just yet. She likes the idea of having him around, but could be scared at the possibility of a more serious relationship. This could be especially true if she knows how devoted her wants to be. I'd say stick with her, but try to get some sort of indication of where she is at.
w00t, time to walk out of her life. dont be at HER disposal. no man/woman should be at anyone else's disposal. if and when she's ready to make it work with him, SHE will have to earn him back. she made that choice to ditch him, so she has to own up to it! F that!
She said it herself, although in a kinder way. She is using him. "I need space" is really just a kind way of easing into a breakup, but she still wants to feel needed and loved, and is thus gonna keep him around until she finds someone else.
He would be better off to just say to her: "If you need space, that's fine, but I'm done with these mixed signals. Either you actually get space without me calling, being with you, etc, and then you let me know when you're ready to be in a real long-term relationship, or we break it off now because I don't want to waste my time with this garbage."
i understand, cause i always need space between me and my boyfriend, but then it kinda of annoys me when he's always clinging on and wants me to hang out or talk when im busy or something i don't want to do. its better when its more convenient for me especially when i can call or hang out when i personally want to :x that's kinda selfish of me.
She sounds like a flake. Women like this in general are flakey.
@scrapbook_romance - Sounds about right :)
@bmrowland@xanga - I've done that too, thus why I told the poster in my earlier comment that "I need space" is just easing into a breakup. You're not a jerk. I dunno about you, but when I said it, I was in a very clingy, oppressive relationship and I needed to kind of ease him away from me before I could leave. I feel kinda bad about it though...
@anniieeex33@xanga - hahaha, wow that is obviously not a serious relationship! It sounds kinda nice :)
I think they both need to make up their minds.
Why is she calling him if she's the one that wanted space? And how long is the guy willing to wait around for her?
I wouldn't want to deal with that "I need space. I'm going to call you still! No wait! I need my space again." No way . . . xD
Well, there's two kinds of "needing space". 1. Stop being so clingy. 2. I want to find out who I am outside of "us"
Guys usually ask for #1, and I say that because 'usually' girls are the ones who want to be more committed than most guys, therefore they are the 'clingier' of the two. Girls usually ask for #2, and I say that it's actually often because of #1. Girls have a higher tendency to immerse themselves completely in a relationship, then forget who they are outside of it, then decide they want to find out.
Obviously the reverse is possible, like in this situation. Alternatively, like someone pointed out, 'needing space' is code for "I'm interested in someone else and I want space to figure out if I want to pursue it, or maybe pursue it and simply not tell you because we're taking time apart." That's just shady.
Wanting to back off the relationship is legitimate, but the other has to decide if they're willing to back off, or whether they want someone who is ready to be so committed. They can actually reduce the number of nights spent over, times called per day/week, etc. It works fine. But if the reason is #2, then you need to NOT SPEAK for awhile. Cut off all communication so you can figure out what your life is like and who you are when you're not leaning on your significant other. So they need to figure out which one it is. If she just wants to slow things down (unlikely) then fine, still keep in contact, just take it easy. If she wants to find out who she is outside of the relationship, then she gets NOTHING from him. No support. No person to b!tch to. Nothing. And if she's just saying that so she can chase some other guy... yeah, that's not cool.
I think that's lame. She sounds like she's jerking him around. What on earth does "I need space" mean? It sounds like "I don't want to be with you, but I still want to string you along." In a situation like that, I'd talk it out with them and figure out exactly what they wanted. If they couldn't make it clear, I'd be gone. I might I think I could be with them in a "forever" kind of way but if they don't feel the same, it doesn't matter.
She might possibly have someone else or be afraid of committin' to him. Depends on the gal.
Eeek- Sounds like what I'm going through... let me know how things turn out!
Good luck!
Maybe she means she wants to keep in contact, but doesn't want to hang out as much. As in, he can call when he wants and vice versa, but she doesn't want to be around him 24/7.
If someone told me they needed space, I'd stop calling them, even if they wanted me to keep calling. I'd be thinking, "Hey, YOU'RE the one who broke up with ME, don't you think I'm going through a hard time right now? I need some space too."
There's a chance that the girl might be being a little selfish. She wants her space, but maybe she doesn't want to let him go, in case she changes her mind. She might not even be thinking it's a break up, and has every intention of getting back together when she's ready. She probably doesn't realize that what she's doing is causing difficulty for the guy, who still loves her. But when a break up like that happens, I think they need time away from each other. Continuing to talk may not be hard on her, but it's hard on him. He needs to say how he really feels.
"i need space" speech is often leads to a break up like "i need a break" speech. and she probably is interested in someone else and wants to keep both of them in the picture just in case the other guy does not work out.
I would be jus as lost to be for real, but i would want them in my life to ya feel me.. so i would try to call too, if they "said" they wanted me to. It would be hard to be "friends" with some who u could see urself with in the "forever" kinda way, (personal experience) but take it from me if you let it ride out and possibly convince yourself you've let go, but really haven't they could be doing the same thing, just keep look for them signs and try to look out for your friend cuz he'll be blind to them.. trust me i got my girl back, and i thought i had let her go..
She's just keeping him around and wants the companionship until something else comes along. However, she does feel a bit guilty about doing it since she can probably tell how serious he is about her. She's currently figuring out what she wants in her life.
Also, I don't see how it's unfair to her if she's the one that needs space and he's agreed to give it to her. He said that she should initiate the conversation when she's ready. I don't see how that's unfair at all.
@scrapbook_romance - i agree.
She's giving him mixed signals. It's like, "I need my space but I still want you to call me even though I need my space." Err?? I don't know. When I tell someone I need space, I don't call them or want them to call me. It's my "alone" time to think about the relationship or other issues that is stirring up in my life.
It's confusing. They both just need to talk and work something out. Can't keep holding on to him when she needs her space but don't want to commit to him.
I'd ignore her until she can make up her mind.
Either way, she's using him. She just can't see past her own emotions.