Wednesday, 21 January 2009
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Everyone Thinks We Should Date Except Him
This is a guest blog submitted by dazednconfused.I've had the biggest crush on the same guy for three years. I'm a junior in high school, and we've been good friends ever since the middle of freshman year. No matter how much I try, I can't get over it. The fact that, at times, he seems to be on the same level as me doesn't help, nor does the number of classes we have together.
I think I've been what most call friend zoned. But I'll start at the beginning.
I met "Curly" in French class. I was new, having just moved to the area, and I was shy. I hardly talked to anyone and I missed my old home. We were assigned seats next to each other, (our last names start with the same letter) and a mutual friend of ours was next to us.
Needless to say, we became the French Class Trio...we always sat together, played cards, goofed off and took turns doing the homework. And it didn't take long for me to fall for him.
We are so alike that it is slightly creepy. We like the same music, are tall, have curly hair, are Christians, get good grades, work decently hard at school and are rather athletic. We have our different quirks, too; I'm a bit more of a loud mouth, he's into Star Trek and is a little geeky; I'm average-ly proportioned, he's rather skinny. But we're incredibly compatible - so much so that most of the kids in our grade constantly asked if we were dating. Our teachers even told us we were going to end up married.
He's so cryptic at times that it's hard to tell if he likes me or not. When people ask if we're dating and whatnot, we both deny we even like each other and reply, "we're just friends", but otherwise he's pretty difficult to read.
Freshman year, word somehow spread to him that I liked him. He politely told our mutual French Trio friend that he just saw me as a friend, and wasn't that into me. Sophomore year we had nearly every class period together. I saw him every other hour, and we talked quite a bit. I did my best to keep everything about me still liking him hush-hush, and the rumor went away quickly.
This year...I'm tired of liking him. However, I can't get over him, and still cling to hope that he might ask me to prom, or just finally do what everyone else has thought he'd do, and ask me out anywhere already.
Is it foolish to wish for that? Should I just keep trying to get over him, or make a move myself? (I'm still hooked on the idea that the guy should initiate the relationship). Anyone else had a similar experience?
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- From: dazednconfused
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Comments (61)
Go for it! Worst he can say is no... And okay, that can be pretty bad, but just be cool about how you ask and how you respond to anything, whether yes or no... Like, don't make a big deal about it. "Wanna go out with me?" That's it... And then don't like jump on him and kiss him or anything if he says yes. And just like shrug and say "okay" if he says no.
It's foolish. Move onto somebody who is going to make the initiative like you want. If you're busy thinking about this guy, you're not going to see other opportunities. It doesn't matter what other people think, it's what he thinks. If he's not making an effort, he's just not that into you.
haha. this was me and my boyfriend's situation. I liked him, but he didn't seem like he was that into me. Almost everyone at our college told me that we either should start dating or told me that he liked me, but it was just hard to tell because he didn't drop any hints. Thing is, he DID like me. I suggest you ask him to hang out and when you do, (if you're able to do this) tell him what you feel. Being honest and upfront is the way to go.
I didn't, so he "gave up" and dated a girl before he realized that he still liked me and broke up with her during the summer. Since I was too shy to tell him about my feelings, it took a year and a half for us to get together.
There is a 00.000000000000001% chance that he will suddenly decide to ask you out.
There is a 79.999999999999999% chance that you can find someone else who is quite compatible with you.
I really don't think I need to tell you which option to go with.
ask him out. if he says yes AWESOME. if not, move on...cryptic guys (and even girls) are not worth it at all
I went through the same thing in high school. He was my best friend, we were VERY alike, and everyone figured we were secretly dating anyway (we weren't, but i wished we were). This went on all of senior year, and all of that summer, I clung to any hope that he might feel the same about me. after that i went off the university and we got separated. I would talk to him every day, and he started to get jealous about the number of guys that i was hanging out with, and he finally asked me out. It was a two hour commute between the two of us, and long distance things never really work out. We dated two weeks, then he broke my heart. I spent so much time imagining us together and it just shattered. after that, we tried to stay friends but it was just very hard. If i dated someone else he would get angry, and as i still had feelings for him, i would avoid dating. Now he's dating another girl in his city, and it kills me. Maybe i waited too long, maybe it just wasn't going to happen, i don't know. But i'm going to say you should go for it, don't wait much longer, or you'll never know how things might turn out. Don't wait until its too late.
Unlike ItsJustBeck, I had a very good girl friend in high school. We played around, flirted, did a lot of things together, but most of all, to me, it seemed as though we were almost destined for each other since we were so compatible.
Being the shy guy that I was back in High School, I never acted on it. I graduated and went out of state, but we kept talking. She eventually went to the other side of the country, but we kept talking, and every time we did, I would think that we would be awesome together.
This summer, I had several opportunities to tell her how I felt, but something told me not to. Then winter break came, and the same thing. Finally, when I got back to school, I received a letter from her.
She thanked me for being a great friend and proving to her that platonic relationships can exist. Though it was a bit heart-breaking, it was also a release for me. I could finally let that idea go and keep going.
I say this all the time: Be careful trying to go into a relationship with a best friend. You could ruin the friendship and because you're good friends, it's too hard to see the blurry line of friendship and flirting.
I had no idea my husband liked me til one day I told him I liked him then he admitted he liked me too. And look at that! Now we're married.
Just because you and everyone else think the two of you are so compatible doesn't mean he does. He's made that clear by a) responding that the two of you are just friends when asked if you two are dating and b) he did not react to the news that you liked him with anything other than a "She's my friend" mentality. There's an extremely slim chance that he's just being shy about it since it's been how many years and he still hasn't done anything about it? Chances of him asking you out are just as slim as the chance of him being shy.
But you know what? If you want a straight answer, you're going to have to talk to him. Yes, that's right, talk to him. While we on the internet can judge the situation to a certain degree, we are not "Curly". We have not seen the two of you interact, nor do most of us know you or him. If you're nervous about talking to him, talk to a friend, such as someone who is close to both of you or his best friend, who will be honest with you first. This is important because a friend who will spout white lies to make you feel better isn't going to help the situation. When you go into something better armed [with the truth] things often aren't as daunting as they may have seemed at first.
When I was in high school, I had a gay friend that I had a pretty big crush on, to the point that I refused to believe he was actually gay. I went so far as to actually try and kiss him before he finally let me down as gently as he could. Him and I still remained friends, close enough that people at school spread rumors about the two of us dating. It was hard because I knew he didn't like me (hell, any woman) that way. But I got over it and so did he. Knowing that there was nothing going on between us helped because I didn't have any false hope that things were going to change.
I liked the same guy all throughout High School. I went out of my way to get his attention, to the point where, looking back, I'm pretty sure I was stalking him (at least, that's what it would be called if I did it now as an adult, and not in the halls of school!). We were friends, and everyone knew I liked him. He went through phases of acting like he liked me, too, and then the following week would act like he wanted nothing to do with me.
I finally asked him to prom "just as friends". We went, had a good time, and he kissed me that night. And that's when the spell was broken...he was NOT a good kisser. We stayed in touch throughout college, and even tried going out a couple of times, but he never got better, and I started to see things about him that weren't that attractive afterall.
So, the point is...go for it. Ask HIM to the prom. He's probably just shy, my guy in HS was. And, if you do get a kiss out of the deal...may he be MUCH better at it than my guy was
Good luck!
It's pretty much similar with my situation right now. I like a friend for over a year now and I told him about it. He doesn't like me but we remained good friends. I asked him before to watch a movie and musical play with me. He said yes. :) You can ask him to go to prom with you. You guys have been friends for a long time already. It wouldn't be so bad to try. :)
If he's not going to take the initiative, and I would think you'd have that figured out after 3 yrs, then you take it. So he didn't think of you as dating material a year ago, maybe he's changed his mind, and if not hopefully you can remain friends. Either way, it looks like you're of the mindset that you're going to have to either learn the hard way on this one or re main a romantic martyr (not healthy).
Been there, done that.
I had the same situations about two years ago. I was deeply in love with this guy, he was my absolute best friend. He would often tell me that he kind of liked me.. then he would go back on what he said. He was ALWAYS on the fence. But, i didn't give up- for six years I loved a man that did not love me back. One night, i realized this... I realized that, simply put, he just wasn't that into me. I cried for three hours, after which i was resolved to getting over him. I asked God to hit me with a truck... let me know if i was meant to be with him or not because everything was just too hard. I couldn't keep going like that.
It took about three months, then I met Brian. Brian was this amazing guy, i clicked with him right away. (And, fiy, we're engaged now)
I honestly wasn't looking for anything though, and it took two weeks of him calling me every single day, text messaging me almost every minute of every day, and him flat out telling me that he was very interested before I even clued in and started liking him.
But, he pursued me. Ask pretty much any guy and they will tell you that almost from the moment they meet you, they can tell if they want to be with you or not. If they do, they usually go for it (with a little encouragement).
It sounds to me that you've encouraged. He's not going for it. He doesn't like you. He wants to keep you where you are for a back up plan or because you boost his ego.
Give him a last chance, then move on! Trust me, you'll be MUCH happier.
also, I don't suggest that you pursue him. That works sometimes, but, as a girl... it feels SO nice to be pursued.
You can say what you want, but don't chase after him. That's usually a huge turn off to guys-
Guys are hunters, naturally, they like the chase... but don't play games. Goodluck!
Ah, I'm a guy so it's probably not the right perspective (it's quite different guys pursuing girls and vice versa), but I'm always for honesty and communication. Yeah, it's caused some awkwardness, but with my truest friends, we've moved passed it. It's not about me professing my 'love' or anything "omfg i'm so in love with you let's drive off into the sunset together." It's about "hey, we get along great, we hang out together a lot, I'd like to date you and I think we could really work as a couple, you wanna go out?" To be honest, I purposefully anti-romanticized it, because it makes it less awkward. If I went all out and "asked" them out with flowers and a card and what not, it'd have been worse. Now, it's never resulted in a date.... but that doesn't mean i regret asking. Just my experience.
If you want an answer straight from his mouth and his honest opinion, talk to him about it. Sure, some guys like the chase. But others, applause you for being upfront. Every guy is different. If he gives you the "I think we should be friends" talk, at least you know where you stand. If he's interested, go with the flow. Good luck! :)
guys can be pretty stupid sometime and say the opposite of what they really mean...especially at your age.
there was a girl who liked me in HS and I liked her too but never admitted I thought she was cute when asked (we shared a lot of classes together but never once hung out) well, the day I find out she liked me was on graduation. We signed each other's yearbooks and she wrote on it that she had a crush on me since our first math class together in freshman year but I didn't get to read her message until I got home...I never saw her again and till this day I still kind of regret for not being to be honest with her and with myself. Learn from my mistake! It is better to be disappointed than to regret!
If you want something with him, just talk to him about it. Ask him out to prom.
Make your move. and if he rejects
*REBOUND* lol JK!!!! no, seriously..
Make a move.
Make a move or ask him straight out.
move on girl you already wasted 3 years liking this kid and still nothing pssshh. its kind of a hint that you should move on because the kid might have been right about him only seeing you as just a friend.
Okay, I think basically everyone here agrees that you should talk to him, tell him, and then see what he does?
If he's not interested (which seems likely because honestly, i think if a guy likes you and everyone keeps hinting at it and everything, he would ask you out. google "he's just not that into you" the book haha), then at least you know. So you can move on with your life. There's other guys out there. What's meant to be is meant to be!
And btw, I was like you. Hung up over a friend for four years ish? Looking back, I was pathetic. Don't trick yourself into believing that you can't move on because you can! I believe in you :)
Dynamics in friends-only relationships change. You may not even realize it until one of you does something. I would say that you should hint heavily or just tell him flat out. Be honest--that you feel like you guys mesh and something tells you that you should try dating. It seems like a natural progression from your standpoint. Maybe even tell him that if  that's not gonna work, you want to know so you can move on. You know, closure.
But he's not gonna come out with it, so it sounds like it's time for some interrogation.
@Nous_Apeiron@xanga - what about option three? The one where she steps out of her comfort zone and asks him what the deal is?
Been there, done that, and honestly hun, he's just not that into you.