Tuesday, 20 January 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: I'm Worried about What I Saw in My BF's Email
I was signing into one of my many accounts the other day, and my computer brought up the emails to all the accounts I've ever logged into, one of which was my boyfriend's. We have a long distance relationship, so we talk a lot and I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone. But I still logged in and looked at just one message, and now I wish I hadn't.
This message was sent in December to a "friend". And in it, he told her he still loved her but that he and I were the perfect fit. There was something else saying that if he wasn't with me right now, he would have been with her.
I still trust him more than anything, and I'm feeling horrible about reading his email. I know I never should have looked. But should I tell him that I did, and should I ask him about the message at all?
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Comments (55)
that's fucked up being that it was so recent. ask him about it. don't assume too much.
I would definitely explain what happened and ask him in a very unassuming, gentle manner about it.
It is good that he told her you two were a perfect fit, but there seems to be more to the story.
Last thought, do not hold his compassionate heart against him if that is indeed what is going on.
Sounds more like a closure e-mail. Although it's not cool that he possibly loves someone else in addition to you, I think a lot of people never let go of their first loves (assuming she is in this case.) To me, it doesn't sound like he intends to cheat on you. Just sounds like a dude who's in love with two women. He might not react well to you reading his e-mails. If you could find some way to bring up his feelings for this other girl, do it. Otherwise it'll keep eating at you.
Yes you need to speak with him about this, but don't go overboard with tears and hurt. Just be honest and explain to him how you came across it. If you two are the perfect fit he will understand. And I have to agree with it sounding like a "closure" e-mail. And more often than not most of us people love more than one person, but in many different ways. I will always carry some love for some one I dated a while back, but it's not the same type of feeling of love I have for my fiance.
You should ask him about it, but be as kind and understanding about it as possible considering how possible it is to love more than person and but then stay with one or the other only as practicality or circumstances dictate. Were it a loved one in my life, I would want to have whatever people in his life as make him happy. We don't own each other after all and we should want to make each happy. He sounds so conflicted. He shouldn't have to be... no more should you. Meanwhile, don't worry so much. Given the apparent choice he had, he DID choose YOU.
Yes, you should tell him about this and ask him about what exactly it means... But don't freak out at him or anything.
Agreed with all above. There is a difference between loving someone, and being in love with someone. I have a history, and girls that I am not dating that I still love. But I am no longer in love with them, because really you should only be in love with one person at a time. Having love and being in love are quite different. Talk to him, be honest and clear about what happened. Good luck.
My (now) husband has a friend who lives on the other side of the
country. He never said he loved her, thank God, but he did express
(though not to her) that he would have been with her if he wasn't with
me. It made me feel like crap and I thought that the only reason he
was with me was because she was so far away. Their friendship would
make me a little uncomfortable even though she made some effort to
friend me on myspace and leave me comments and messages every so
often. I always felt that he had feelings for her but obviously if I
married him, I must have gotten over it. He explained to me that while
he did want to be with her at one point and thinks she is a wonderful
person who any guy would be lucky to have, that I am the only one for
him and that he loves me only and wants to spend his life with me
because I am the one who understands him most. Even if I was in
another country entirely, I am the best thing that has ever happened to
him. I'm the perfect one for him.
I don't think there's much to worry about. Yea, I imagine you are
freaked out and hurt. I would be too (and was), but it's saying a lot
about his commitment and love for you that even though he has or had
feelings for another girl, he's honest to her about his relationship
with you. He doesn't sound conflicted to me. He cares for her, but she's not the one he would rather be with. It sounds like he's committed to you. (I may be wrong, it just sounds that way to me). Perhaps it's just getting closure, or maybe he's letting her down easy.
I say talk to him about it. I think giving anyone
any passwords is giving them free reign to look through your stuff
(even so, you shouldn't abuse that privilege). If he willingly gave
you his password, I don't think he should be too upset that you looked
through his email. Infact, if he had anything to hide I would expect
he would have deleted it. In any case, don't jump the gun and assume things (like I did). Be honest with him about your feelings, be
understanding and receptive of his, and if you aren't comfortable with it, well,
don't settle either.
What they said, don't assume to much and ask him about it in an unaccusing way. Don't be scared about admitting that you read his email, let him know it wasnt your intention and you weren't trying to snoop around on him.
Causally bring up the topic? xD Just ask him. I'm sure your intentions weren't malicious. :P
you can't be mad at something you didn't have permission to see in the first place. it seems like you were hunting for something...i mean, the sent items folder doesn't pop up when you log in.
sure, you could talk to him about it, but i wouldn't assume that he'd be 100% okay with what you did. good luck anyway, and i hope it was what others have been saying-- a closure email!
Let it out in the open and talk to him about it. Obviously, he is the only person who will provide you the answers you are looking for. Though he did mention that you two are a perfect fit, I don't think his intentions were to cheat on you with her. It must be some kind of odd closure or something.
I agree with everyone else. Definitely should talk in a calm, rational manner =) Besides, I'm in a long distant relationship, and once you start hiding things, they can blow way out of proportion a lot faster.
I'd suggest the same as everyone else. Admit what you did, why you did it, and that you're wrong, that you're sorry, but at the same time that you don't understand this, and that its worrying you =D
whatever you do, don't accuse him =P its a sure way to close discussion =)
You're an idiot.
Now you have to bring it up and talk about it, or it'll eat away at you. Don't assume too much.
I love my best friend, but I'm in love with my boyfriend. If my boyfriend and I broke up today I would not start dating my best friend.
It's different for everyone, and there is more than one type of love. If it really bothers you (since it was recent, and you don't know the true context of the e-mail) then bring it up to your boyfriend. Keep in mind that he will likely be upset at the fact that you were snooping.
I believe, too, that you should talk w/him. Be sure to be completely open and honest and ready. While he might be hurt that you read a private email, this could be a very important, and good, turning point in your relationship.
Good luck!!
:e)
I don't see the use of talking to him about it, really, since you probably know what he's going to say. But, if it will give you some peace of mind, you should. :)
Good luck.
i've been here, except that i only came by it by accident (honest to god!). the email read something to that effect --how he loved his ex and blah blah blah....
i felt bad about reading it too but that didn't make me feel less uncomfortable. i confronted him about it; i'm pretty honest. nothing come about it, a lot of crap came after that and the trust was lost. i guess that was just the beginning of the end. o wells...
I think you should ask him. If he cares about you, he'll tell you the truth and not beat around the bushes.
girl,relax...as long as he told the other one that he loves you, you're safe. As for the rest of that email, he's only trying to let her down easily.
I would. But I don't know what the right answer is, (for once).
@bettinatron@xanga - That's what I was going to say.
Why can't people just NOT be so damn nosy? Anyway, at least now you can TELL HIM that you were being a snoop, apologize for reading his e-mail, and then tell him what you found. Honesty is the best policy in this case.
Keeping in mind that what you did wasn't cool (snooping around) and he will likely have a problem with it, ask him about it. Don't assume anything, don't get upset, just ask him about it.
I've done the same thing. Snooping is always a bad idea, you'll keep looking until you find something incriminating. I would suggest that you tell him straight up that you looked at his email and saw that email and ask him about it. If he gets defensive about it, then I would be a little worried about it. But just talk everything through. And I mean EVERYTHING. Don't wonder if you should ask him something, just ask him. It makes everything better in the long run, trust me. I hope that everything works out. : )
For one, I understand what you mean by you wish you hadn't looked and yes, it was wrong of you to look. However, I believe you do need to confront him about this or it will eat you up inside. OR you can just ignore and hope that it'll pass. I've been there and I regretted looking at it too. My "long ago so" left his e-mail account open at my place and I came across an e-mail (more like the first e-mail) that read "hey.." Out of curiosity I opened it just to find that he's been cheating on me the day before. I broke it off immediately and I haven't looked back since. I guess it would depend what would make you feel better. =/