Tuesday, 20 January 2009
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On Looks and Attraction
This is a guest blog submitted by Jade.My friend told me once that I'm too picky when it comes to guys. She said maybe I should give an unattractive guy who likes me a chance because he would treat me better more than an attractive guy would...
The thing is, I feel no attraction to this guy who's interested in me at all - we're just friends. Some people may think that it's shallow to only pursue someone good-looking, but why start a relationship with a not-so-attractive guy just because he'd treat you well...especially when you feel neither physical nor emotional attraction toward him?
Would you go out with a person you weren't attracted to just because he or she would treat you better than a good-looking person would?
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Comments (95)
To me "attractive" isn't just about looks, but also about personality... Of course, I'm pretty shallow, so I probably would not go out with a guy I thought wasn't that good looking... But I think I could offer him a chance if he was super funny/smart/nice, etc.
One thing I think can happen though is that if you give this guy a chance, you may end up actually totally falling for him. I didn't really want to be with my boyfriend at first because he's two years younger than me and I thought that was bad... But I'm so happy I gave him the chance.
@SerenaDante@xanga - I agree! Just to see the other side..
I think we are all shallow. Sadly.
When I get attracted to a guy. Enough to say "hey I wouldn't mind giving this a chance" it always comes out of nowhere. I've also not been attracted to guys who I think SHOULD be attracted to just because they seemed perfect and what have you. But it just wasn't there.
Do not go on a pity date for yourself or anyone else. They end up hurting more feelings than doing any good. Just go for someone you're attracted to.
I've noticed in young kids they always go after attractive people more than say 'normal' people. And when they get older they start to spread their search and become less 'shallow' for lack of a better word.
Just an observation.
if you think maybe you could end up developing feelings for the guy then give it a chance. If you know there's no possibility. Please don't torture yourself or anyone else.
Just my two cents, but...
That seems a little shallow to me. I'm not trying to be harsh, but perhaps he's a really wonderful guy who could care about you, more deeply than anyone else? Just a thought.
I myself fell deeply for someone who may have not been the most attractive guy, but he was kind and loving. Sadly, he never loved me back, but that's another story.
As I said, it's just my two cents. I wish you luck.
Yes, I think it is shallow to write someone off purely on how they look. Of course you have to be attracted to someone in order to ever make a relationship work, but there are other things about people that can make them attractive, and it seems like you wouldn't even give someone like that a chance.
As much as people are harping on being shallow, oh well. If you're shallow you're shallow. That's neither good or bad. Figure out what you need to make you happy, and stick with it. If that means you probably just won't be able to make that emotional connection with a guy because he is physically lacking in positive attributes, then it might just not work out. It's not good or bad. It just is.
Good luck!
Yes it is shallow to write someone off based on looks. One of my best guy friends use to do that as well... and he dated nothing but nasty women that mistreated him. You are going to follow the same path and will probably end up very unhappy because of it. You may get lucky and find that one good looking guy that is a sweetheart, but don't delude yourself into thinking you deserve a good looking guy or that's all you want. its a misconception that will leave you empty. Good luck to you in this situation. You will either take the advice you get or keep going down the path you already are. Life an attraction is not all about looks, so be careful.
*colletive gasp* is she talking about me? An oldie but a goodie. Are we really all just shallow people? Yeah, we are. There's a good reason why 8 stages stage two is physical/sexual attraction, and, it's often stage 1. It's NOT easy to just skip over it. But what you're actually referring to goes beyond quantifiable attraction. It's actually a matter of chemistry. Chemistry can't be invented. It CAN be grown, sometimes, but you tend to know it when it does. Over time you can grow to love everything about someone, even the things that are classically sub-par. But you can't just make chemistry where none exists. It's a fact, and while I can't explain it, I can't deny that it's fact either.
No pity dates, for sure. Open your mind to see him as something more, but if you don't, then you don't. It's not necessarily 'fair', and maybe he would treat you well, but that's not enough to make a relationship. It's not. Honestly I wish it was enough, haha. And to be perfectly honest... when it comes to potential girlfriends, I'm as shallow as any other guy in that respect. While it's far from the only thing that matters, I'm not able to ignore it any more than the next guy (or girl).
If you feel absolutely ZERO attraction to him (physical AND otherwise) and you don't think you could ever be attracted to him, then don't bother dating him.
Attraction is more than looks, and my guess is (although I can't tell from your post; maybe I'm being hopeful here) that you don't find him attractive not just because you don't find him good-looking, but nothing else about him really attracts you to him either - his personality, for example.
I've become friends with and dated guys that I wasn't physically attracted to initially, but as I became friends with them and/or dated them, I became physically attracted to them because I found their personality incredibly attractive.
Looks aren't everything to me. Personality should be the basis of the relationship, because what if your super hot bf/gf got involved in a disfiguring accident? That's a bit extreme, but I mean, is that really the only reason for being with someone?
I'm into the person behind the "outside appearance" & to be honest...if you're really interested in that person, they would be attractive to you.
Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder....
Attraction and chemistry are important to a relationship. It may be shallow but how can you force a relationship if you don't find him desirable? But I would also give the not so good looking guy a try if he will treat you well. Maybe you'll find something about him so cute and adorable you can't resist.
Wow...
First of all, you should never date anyone you do not find attractive, whether they're good looking or not.
Secondly, people get mistreated by all sorts of people, Attraction iws important but if someone is not going to treat you well it doesn't matter how attractive they are, drop 'em like the dead weight they are. They will leave yo uworse off than before.
Honestly I wouldn't go out with somebody I wasn't attracted to physically. I mean, even though looks aren't everything, physical attraction to the other party is definitely just as important as the emotional/spiritual attractions.
If you went out with somebody you weren't attracted to, it'd be unfair and deceitful to the other person and it would ultimately lead to somebody being hurt.
i have before.. out of pity actually. it's not that he isn't attactive, a lot of other girls think he is attractive, just not me. i wanted to be just friends but he pursued me for so long i finally gave in. we got along great there was just no true chemistry. essentailly i think it was setting us up for a doomed relationship.. and that probably contributed to the fact i cheated on him.
No, I don't think I'd go out with someone just because I thought he was "nice" or treated me well or whatever. I think there has to be some physical attraction there. Maybe it is something that will develop over time (as some people have said that it isn't all about the physical attraction). Initially, no, I wouldn't.
we are all shallow and greedy. so no. if he isn't someone you like than kick him to the curb. don't settle for less knowing that you are worth so much more.
Well, I have to say, I've never really gone out with a guy based on looks. I mean, sure, I can drool over some extremely cute guy, but if I don't get along with him, then what's the point? We have to have some sort of .. connection, I guess.
No, I would not go out with someone I am not attracted to, even if I knew he would treat me well. I think that there is an about even number of good-looking guys and not so attractive guys who will treat you well. Unattractive guys can treat you badly just as well. There is actually a guy who likes me and he is really good-looking. I know he would treat me really well but I just don't feel a connection so I don't want to date him. Then the last guy I was seeing was really unattractive but he is the only guy I've ever been in love with and even though overall he is a good guy too he did not treat me too well because of other things going on in his life. Personally I can't date anyone just based on looks or just based on how they would treat me. I don't think it's good if you only pursue relationships based on looks but don't date this guy out of pity either because your feelings for him probably won't change and that's just not fair to him either.
Eh, the point isn't to necessarily get involved with this guy despite the lack of attraction. It's that you should never initially write someone off cuz you don't find them physically attracted. You'd be surprised how much that can change when you get to know someone emotionally.
Sometimes my families and friends wonder why I'm even with my husband (physically speaking). For me, it takes more than just "good looks" to attract me to a guy or get me interested in him. I have my share of really good looking guys who would go behind my back with other girls. But of course, there are also some good looking guys who will treat you right. It all just depends on the guy.
If you're not attracted to the guy physically or emotionally, let him know. Don't lead him on because that's not fair. Ugly people have hearts too, ya know?
<--- I was being sarcastic, so don't jump on me.
Its all about the package as a whole because it's much more complicated than just looks or just personality. There has to be a balance.
Don't think too much of it. Let things flow and you'll find out.
Attraction is defined differently by everyone.
Pfffft. Lame.
Be picky, be shallow, be however you are.
If you give him a chance even though you are not at all attracted, it could be great... but likely only for a while until the surprise and "newness" fades.
then you're just left with someone you aren't attracted to.
It's likely that if you hold out you could find someone that will treat you well AND is attractive to you. That's the best :)
i go with whoever can make me genuinely laugh.