Monday, 19 January 2009
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My BF Says I'm Not The Girl in Our Relationship
This is a guest blog submitted by berisme. I have been dating my current boyfriend for a little over a year now.
A few weeks ago he told me I was not being the "girl" in the relationship. Then a few nights ago, his cat caught a mouse and was taunting it. The cat let it go, and I shrieked and jumped on top of the couch. I never understood why women in movies did that - I thought it was dumb. But I did it...ug, it was so embarrassing. He later told me, "I liked it because you were the girl in the relationship."
I am the type of girl who thinks the girl should get to treat the guy once in a while too. I don't like crying, especially in front of people, even my boyfriend. I don't talk about my emotions very often. And I try not to be clingy (I have a fear of being That Girlfriend). I like my independence and I like that I can do things on my own. I also don't like showing a lot of affection in front of my friends; I don't want to make them uncomfortable or like a third wheel.
What does it mean to be the girl in the relationship? Is it okay with guys if the girl gets to treat once in a while? Do guys like the whole "damsel in distress" thing? Guys, what do you expect out of a girl in a relationship?
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About the Author
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- From: berisme@xanga
- About Me: Pablo Picasso once said, “Success is dangerous. One begins to copy oneself, and to copy oneself is more dangerous than to copy others. It leads to sterility”. With that being said, I think it is important to try new things and experiment. I am a strong believer in “trial and error”. Sometimes, as much as I want to correct people, there is a delicacy in learning how to do something on one’s own. I also believe frustration is beautiful. Without frustration what would inspire change? How would we get to where we are today without it? There is no appreciation for anything without frustration. Therefore, frustration is beautiful. <script type="text/javascript" src="http://widgets.amung.us/map.js"></script><script type="text/javascript">WAU_map('utejfjfyv28e', 420, 210, 'night', 'target-orange')</script>
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Comments (55)
It's definitely okay to treat your guy! Of course! But I think being that he is your boyfriend, it's definitely okay to show your emotions around him too lol. That's probably what he means... you're a little too hidden away. It's not that he wants to see you cry... It's that he wants to be here to be able to comfort you if you do.
I must not be the girl in my relationship either...if being weak is considered "being a girl" then I obviously do not fit that stereotype.
I think you're acting fine!
Not sure what to make of his comment......... perhaps he's looking for someone that feels rather submissive (I doon't like those girls... they need to get a backbone).
But yeah... not sure.
Wow haha i think you've just opened my eyes a little. I'm currently in a relationship with a girl who isn't very "Girl like" and it gets frustrating at times but i was never one for the whole "dansel in distress". So honestly from my point of view it's stupid to be to "girl like".
my bf got offended when i said he wasn't being the guy in the relationship.. but ... i don't know excatly what that means.
lol
i think you should let him take care of you every once in awhile, too. it's not so much 'being the girl in the relationship' as opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable around him when it's just you two.
a lot of the things you listed apply to me, too, but at the same time, when it's just us two, i let him spoil me sometimes, the same way i spoil him (even if he doesn't let me). i think he just wants to feel like you need him there sometimes, and he's not just disposable... i mean, that's kind of what everyone wants in a relationship, to feel like they're needed by someone else, sometimes. and perhaps he wants to be needed in the way that he'll kill the mouse for you, or comfort you when you scream. :)
Most Guys do like the damsel in distress because it gives us a rare opportunity to be the hero. It can be a difficult balancing act and it's understandable. all you can be is yourself and if your boyfriend doesn't like that then maybe you two just are not right for each other. It's important to understand if you " not being a girl " is okay with him or not.
I feel like it's a little insulting to be called the "girl/guy in the relationship." Why not just be people? It's fine to be nice to each other; neither of you have to pay for the other every single outing. Yay for independence =]
It's not a crime to treat your boyfriend once in awhile. Isn't change nice once in awhile? :P
@The_Wandering_Coyote@xanga - I agree with the "damsel in distress" part. xD
Damsel in distress?
Sounds pretty stupid to me. He wants to feel manly and in control. You're supposed to be delicate, I guess.
Sometimes I feel like I have to force myself to be the "girl" in the relationship. The guys I've been involved with have been so passive that it's ridiculous. I don't like pushovers, and I don't like to be pushy, either. When I sense that I have more control, I tend to lose interest in the guy.
It's not to say that women are and should be passive, or that men should be aggressive. Every relationship is different, so people are comfortable acting a certain way. To be honest, in that mouse incident your boyfriend sounded like a jerk. I'd be kind of offended if a guy said that to me, even if he was joking.
I'd rather have a guy who appreciates my tough side AND my soft side, instead of telling me that I need to be more like a girl or something.
Haha!! I know guys like an independent girl, but I also know they like to be there if she's going thru a rough time...don't do a complete 180 and get all mushy, sappy, clingy and all that fun jazz (lol), but show a lil something so that you don't come off as the typical emotionally constipated man!! Haha...
as long as you are making it clear that you love him, you sound like the perfect girlfriend!
I'm totally like you. Haha, but he's probably just insecure because you're independent and awesome. Don't let it affect you.
I'm pretty much like you in that sense. I won't cry in front of my boyfriend, or anyone for that matter. And not all boys like that whole damsel in distress thing. My boyfriend actually can't even stand those kinds, he says their too needy.
I also think its good for a girl to treat their guy every once in a while, it shows that you care about them as well, you know?
im exactly the same way, except my boyfriend thinks its awesome that he doesnt have to deal with a superchick haha
What's wrong with just being the person you are instead of being "the girl" in the relationship?
I guess he wants to be there to protect you from harm. Lend you a helping hand when you need it. And wants you to shower your love for him once in a while when you two are around your friends.
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - oh, it was not meant to be offensive at all. He is always very respectful but he definately has a backbone. From the beginning of the relationship he told me that there is no "boss". (Which, I really made me like him more). The joke was kind of funny because I am in the military but I am afraid as something as small as a mouse. Personally, I love my tougher side. He appreciates both! :D
when my boyfriend's teasing me, he calls me "delicate as a flower" and other phrases like that, which gets him punched. i've been with my BF for 3+ years, so i know he likes that i'm not the typical girl!
there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be "That Girlfriend"!! i have the same fear LOL
lmao. i keep the little mice in the house.
be yourself. that's what he loves you for, right?
You sound like me, and my boyfriend is totally okay with it! You just have to find the right guy, and it sounds like your guy is okay with you for the most part. I wouldn't take that one thing he said too seriously. If it really bothers him, he'll bring it up again and you guys can talk about it. If push comes to shove, you'll find somebody better.
soundz to me lyke yer doin just fine my bf iz deffinately the grrrl in our relayshunship he criez @filmz & lykes to get all femmed up when we go out hezza hawttie fer shur me im just not into aktin that way but i think itz sweet wen he duzzit oh yeah we usually alwayz split the cost of every date unless itz lyka burthdae or sumthin xtra special wer we wanna treat the other to a night on the town
Well, was he teasing? My bf and I tease each other a lot that we've got our gender roles reversed, but it works for us and we love each other, even if we don't always fit the stereotypes.
It's fine if the girl treats once in awhile; and while guys enjoy being able to be the hero/protector on occasion, they don't want a girl who's utterly helpless all the time. I think he's just hinting that it's ok for you to let your guard down around him and you don't always have to "be strong" --it doesn't mean you need to go invent some weaknesses for him to protect.
@just_the_average_jane@xanga - well, we got to talking about it. And he told me he just wanted me to need him more. Which is fine, because I want to feel needed to. He is a great guy! I don't think I expressed how much of gentlemen he is. He also wanted me to let my guard down a little bit. The whole thing was funny because I am in the military and I was scared of stupid mouse...lol. He gave me a big hug after teasing me about the mouse and being the girl in the relationship.
I'm the same way in my relationship...at least I think so. I'm not a girly girl type...but I have found that sometimes all I want is for my guy to "save me" (like when I can't get something on the top shelf or when a bag is too heavy).....I think I'm a happy medium in the "girl" department. I wish my guy would let me treat him sometimes, but he's old fashioned that way...and wants to pay for our outings.