Monday, 19 January 2009
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I'm A Teen Mom Who's Dating Someone New
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.Two weeks ago my boyfriend of two years, best friend of eight years, and the father of my child dumped me. And when I say dumped, I mean dumped HARD, over a stupid arguement. And he's been a complete jerk ever since and has neglected his obligations as the father of our five-month-old daughter.
We still talked a little the week after our break up. He dumped me on a Sunday; by Friday he was furious with me for talking to a mutual friend of ours about something that had nothing to do with him or "us".
Now, I am not one to sit around and wait for someone who obviously does not want me. So, okay, it's over. Got it.
That night, Friday, I went out with my cousin and some of her friends to go ice skating for our mutual friend, T's, birthday.
The group included B (my cousin, girl), K (B's best friend, girl), T (mutual friend), M (who I'd never met before, boy), and E (who has a crush on M, girl).
Before we even left I was warned what a flirt M was and that E likes him and is very territorial.
I will say this. For having just had a baby a few months ago, I am in good shape. I am not an unattractive girl; in fact, most people tell me that I'm pretty or beautiful (and, yeah, okay, big boobs don't hurt anything, either!).
So we're all in K's mom's minivan and M gets in. T introduces me as "Nicole, the MILF". I explain to M that I am, in fact, a MILF and I was recently dumped hard by my baby daddy. I'm immediately stunned by how good looking M is, by the way.
We get our tickets and skates, and I am joking and talking with everyone, trying to avoid M because E likes him - I am a natural flirt and think he's yummy.
On the ice, I start skating alone and M comes up to me - a lengthy conversation ensues. We spend the rest of the night skating together and talking, but not touching.
Fast forward to 1:30 a.m. when I get home. I have a friend request on MySpace and one on Facebook...and an IM from T telling me that M wants to IM me but forgot my screenname.
We end up talking for EIGHT HOURS. He asks about my daughter frequently and shows an interest in meeting her. And it only snowballs from there, in a good way.
It's now a week later and he and I have spoken every day since meeting. We have multiple inside jokes, including one about a virtual marriage (he then asked my mom via MySpace if he could marry me and told T that he wants to marry me). A few days after we met he went out and got a webcam so we could talk and see each other (I own a webcam already), and while we were in a webcam chatroom with other people he referred to my daughter as "my girl" and everyone then assumed that she was his child, which he seemed to have no problem with. He's also been talking about me to pretty much everyone (including friends, family and coworkers).
Yesterday M and I went out with our moms. (M is 20 and I am 18, so we're not little freakin' kids - we just both wanted to spend time with our moms and each other) We went to the movies and he and I sat next to each other - he had his hand on my knee and we were sitting fairly close whispering to each other. After the movie, we were walking around, he put his arm around me and was making jokes about "being the man in this relationship".
Now, I am a teen mom. I have ZERO experience with being a mom and dating someone who is not my baby's dad. I am also not sure how this all works; I've only ever dated guys I have known for years, so being in this awkward non-relationship-relationship getting-to-know-you phase is new for me, too. I know that I like him and would potentially pursue a relationship with him, but I'm not sure how he feels about anything, though he's said that he likes me.
How do I ask him how he feels about my having a kid without seeming like I'm pressuring him?
And how do I figure out where this is going...or where it is in his eyes? What do you guys think?
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Comments (48)
Do you mean five-month-old baby and not five-year-old? You say you "just had a baby a few months ago".
By what you said it sounds like he's alright with your baby already. If you've been talking every day, you're probably at the stage where you can openly ask questions you feel you need to - and hey - he seems really into you so I wouldn't worry a lot.
hello, rebound guy.
how about you keep your sites on taking care of your kid rather than looking for someone new already.
@abcxunt@xanga - Wow that was a little harsh. A mom does need a break ever once in a while.
As a mother of two precious babies, an asshole ex husband, and other shit thrown in the mix....
Just ask the guy. Tell him EXACTLY what you are looking for. You'll know if he is Mr. Right.
Mr Right for you and your precious baby.
@abcxunt@xanga - Wowwww, way too harsh and unwarranted.
He sounds great and okay with your daughter. He knew from the start that you have a daughter and still chose to get close to you and everything, so he seems fine! Most guys would not even get close if they didn't want to deal with dating someone with a child.
Just go with the flow, and good luck! (: Don't worry too much. (:
hm. Some guys find single moms with kids already very attractive (the ancient celts definitely did); of course, you were introduced as a MILF so maybe the F part is all he's after (and some guys will say anything to get it). I'd say take it slow, and no harm done. This guy might just be one who likes to take care of a girl in need (and you will definitely need help; i'm amazed still my own ma managed with two of us on her own).
Like some have said, just be honest with him about your situation with the ex, and that your child now (hopefully) is your first priority.
Well, I am a child of a single mother, and the way how my mother usually works around looking for Mr. Right and us is that she will date him for awhile before introducing us to him. It will be best to take things slowly to get him adjusted to your life and your child. You need to make sure that he is okay to be around your child. There is nothing worse then when you like your mother's boyfriend and things don't work out. It makes you feel like it is your fault, and you don't need that for your child.
All in all though, as you go with dating, make sure you keep your child's needs in mind.
I can relate to you. I'm 19 with a 1 month old. First, I'd like to point out that it IS okay that you are pursuing a relationship and anyone (abcxunt) that says otherwise is wrong. It's judgmental to say what she said, especially since you didn't ask "Is it okay that I'm dating?"
Now that I've said that..
It sounds like this guy is completely okay and comfortable with you having a child. It also seems like he is wanting to pursue a relationship with you, as well. Since he knows you have a new baby and hes still pretty into you, it shouldn't be a problem. But if you want to ask him to get exactly what he thinks, ask him directly! I don't think it will make him feel pressured at all. And about the other question, be upfront about that too. You have a baby and obligations--you don't have time to be messed with by some guy, so lay it out for him.
Also, I'm sorry about your recent break up. I can't imagine dealing with that in my life right now with my new little one. It had to be difficult for you.
@abcxunt@xanga - She didn't ask whether or not it was acceptable for her to be dating. If you can't answer the question, you shouldn't answer at all. Especially not with a rude and judgmental remark.
@methodElevated@xanga - That's what I was thinking too. lol. I think she did meant to say "five months old" daughter instead of "five years old" daughter. It just makes more sense in her post.
But anyways, since you just got out of a relationship, I would take it slow. I wouldn't rush into anything just yet, anyways. Get to know the guy and see where it leads you. I'm sure if he minded that you had a child, you wouldn't be in the situation that you are now. Just be open minded see where it goes. Also, keep your child in mind. She should be your first priority.
Well, all of us single mothers are going to tell you the same thing, pretty much. Be honest with him. If he's already calling your daughter "my girl" I'm pretty sure he has no problem with the fact that you're a single mom. And where it is going could be anywhere and everywhere. If not into a romantic relationship, it could be a great friendship.
It's really up to you on what you want. You're the one with the "special circumstances". You get to make the call.
I think that you should focus on your baby first and put your love life on hold for a bit. After all, you said you had no experience with babies.
But that's just my two cents.
sounds like he's fine with it. What about E, though? Is she completely out of the picture, or will someone be coming after the two of you like a crazy ex? Haha, anyway. For reassurance, it's probably best to ask him exactly how he feels about you having a baby, because she's not going to go away, but he can. You might want to take more time to get to know him better, though, so it won't be like cornering him into a father position. And does he usually joke about stuff like MILF? Because my eyes just about popped out when I read that; I don't know about you. And just on a side-note, you're so cool for being so together about being a single mom. I admire your strength =] Okay, good luck! =]
what abcxunt said. The whole situation is awkward.
though u r young and hormones do not automatically mature up just because u now have a child, but u should remember that u r now a mother, no longer just a teen, do consider for your baby's future.
@abcxunt@xanga - wow, that was uncalled for and rude. It really isn't your place to tell someone you don't know whether or not they should be dating. *steps off soap box*
It seems like he's a really nice guy. I find it a bit unusual since I always had this idea that guys want to stay away from women that have kids...but he doesn't seem to think negatively of you or anything. Points for him :)
Anyway, from what you said it sounds like he's being sincere, so it's okay for you to talk about your kid and your relationship. Having a kid means that who you're dating is even more important, right? Just work the topic in next time you two talk. He should really care if it's a concern of yours. Good luck :)
I think you need to take it slow especially since there is a child involved.....you dont wanna just bring any man around your child especially at such a young age....test him out....but be willing to pull back if need. Even tho you say your over your child's father you may not be.
I am a recently single mom too, and though your baby is too young to know what is going on I would offer a bit of advice as the daughter of a single mom. My mom kept her realtionships out of our view for most of our childhood, and when we did finally meet the guy she was with, it was at the point that they were VERY serious about each other. Just be careful, life is rough on single moms! *hugs* to you for not letting this bring you down!
take it slow sweetie that's the only advice i have for you
Wow, talk about a rebound. Slow it down please, for the sake of your daughter.
Second, if you want to ask him something then just ask his straight out. He knew from the start that you are a mom, and any guy that dates you from now on will know ASAP that you are a package deal (you + child).
@methodElevated@xanga - she said 5 month old,lol :)
Coming from a teen mom who did a buttload of dating-
You don't need to know where it's going right now. Just live in the moment, but do put it out there that you and your child are a package deal.
On my first date with my fiancee, I put it out there, and it was no pressure at all. He was a man who didn't even like kids, but he fell in love with my daughter not too long after he fell in love with me.
@ayceeeeeer@xanga - Then she had someone edit the post after I mentioned it.
He obviously already has an interest in your child, so I don't think you have to worry about it.
Just take it slow, maybe introduce them, and if he is comfortable with it then things will just flow naturally.