Miss Seal Do you ever want to chain your friend to a chair, take away her cellphone, and perhaps even deport her to a desert island without reception so she doesn't call an ex and do something stupid?
My friend sent
this article the other day, exploring the reasons why men withdraw from relationships, and what women can do about it. Her natural conclusion was that what happened between her and her love interest was her fault, and she wanted to know when she could call him and talk about it.
I contemplated booking her a flight to Antarctica (I assume reception there isn't great) and began reading the entry.
Apparently, what you think is a relationship is not really a relationship.
My favorite line from the article is, "Men don't assume that a connection, being together, spending quality time and all the rest means they're in a committed relationship." Being that men are, as the author suggests, a little less aware of relationship shortcomings than women are, the key is to address these problems and discuss your wishes right away.
What ends up happening is that two people start off dating, the female realizes she's not getting everything she wants (e.g. exclusivity), pents up these feelings, and then they erupt and create tension that doesn't subside. Boys hate drama and tension (granted, girls aren't fond of these things, either).
The author suggests that being up front about what you want from a relationship instead, and not saying things that sound critical ("you never do x, y and z") is key.
Honestly, from this article, boys come off as really fragile and friable creatures who cannot deal with any sort of commotion. I don't like that view one bit. And who wants to talk about what they want from a relationship on the fourth date? What's the difference between enjoying companionship and not overthinking things and settling?
So, being that, "Men don't assume that a connection, being together, spending quality time and all the rest means they're in a committed relationship," what do men consider a committed relationship? I really don't believe in the "I'm afraid of commitment" line. What do you think makes men (or women) shy away from exclusivity?
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Comments (36)
I think most men would consider a committed relationship one that is verbally agreed upon by both parties. Some men might not need as much clarification, though, and would realize that when there is an emotional connection between two people and they're spending a lot of time together that it usually means "relationship". Not all men are this emotionally intelligent, however.
As for what would make men and women shy away form this: Fear, insecurity and doubt... of themselves.
Okay, to answer the first part, I JUST blogged about that last night: http://www.xanga.com/MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio/689746239/girls-please-stop-lying/
Yeah, I know, shameless plug, but it's true. As for the rest of your question... huh. Well, look at it this way. I'd say the article is trying to emphasize some legitimate points to get their point across, which makes it feel really lopsided. I don't really agree with the theme or the feeling of the article, but the points, don't bottle and explode, communicate, moderate your harshest reactions, and lead/listen men, are reasonable. Both men and women are reactionary to situations and emotions, but a big difference is this:
When a couple fights and gets mad and they both leave the room, a guy will go out and have a drink with a buddy, watch some sports, and stop being mad. A girl will brood and get madder and madder. When they come back together, he'll suddenly become mad again, particularly when she explodes right off the bat, because it's been bottling up inside her since they last spoke.
The same applies in the long term too. It just means girls tend to bottle things up and they tend to keep on getting worse, whether they show it or not. Guys tend to be in the moment, even though it doesn't mean they FORGOT. So doing those 4 things, helps moderate this disparity between men and women. That's all I'd take from the article personally. To be honest, the title is just an attention grabber, it really should just be "some tips to handle communicating in a relationship".
That author is wrong. What women need to do is not get bogged down. If you're NOT in an exclusive relationship (in other words: the GUY goes out of his way to ask you to be his girlfriend), then you shouldn't act like it. Date around, have a life. Girls shouldn't base their entire lives around a guy who isn't reciprocating it. Instead of being abrasive or demanding, a girl needs to lay off and find other things that make her happy in life. That's when the guy comes around.
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga - Exactly, but she needs to keep in mind that it shouldn't be a form of "revenge." It's simply to make her happy!
Fuck that! Men just like women like it when they play hard to get. Men they just want to get what they want and if they feel you they'll want more than that and its sad because some women really likes the guy more but you know what there will always be someone that will like the other more than the other will
I read the book hes just not that into you and that's the drill I get when I read your blog
I also think that your friend it's not really that obsessive. You see we are instinctual creatures if we have a dream about the guy we think that he's meant for us and thus that's a probable cause as to why your friend calls her ex but in reality if you go to dreammood.com they tell you that if you dream about your ex you have unresolved issues with that person
and you know as girls we suffer from the
"what ifs" syndrome
One of the things I've found helpful as a guy is being friends with a girl a while before we date. One of the conversations that usually ends up happening between me and a female friend is on the topic of how men and women deal with relationships and how we personally deal with them. If you have that conversation before the dating starts, it takes the pressure out of the situation because you've already talked with each other about what you need from a relationship.
Maybe you end up dating, maybe you don't. But at least you aren't going in blind and setting yourself up for failure.
Now, if I'm already dating a woman, I'll just ask her what she wants in terms of exclusivity. And it helps to do a status check every once in a while just so a couple stays on the same page.
I know it's the stereotype, but I rarely see guys withdrawing from women; it's usually the other way around... Maybe it's the culture around here, maybe it's the water. Who knows? Anyway, if it's an open relationship, I think the personguy kind of has the right to withdraw; he/she didn't sign up for Temper Anonymous. If it's an exclusive relationship, however, communication is much more vital because they have committed themselves. And on that note, people should bottle things up, anyway. It isn't nagging if someone occasionally voices his/her opinions, but it's preemptive drama as soon as one of them begins to hold things in under the 'hold a grudge' section of his/her mind. The key word here is: space. Personal space, personal bubble, whatever you'd like to call it. Not everyone wants to become a pig in a blanket with his/her significant other. Gets sticky.
So, according to this author (I AM in the begining stages of a relationship that is currently undefined) I should let this guy know that I want a serious relationship?
You don't think that's a bit much a bit too soon? Cause I do.
I think that if you're going to define a relationship it shouldn't be until later in the relationship, like after a month or so of solid dating.
Being exclusive is also a personal choice. You can't force a guy to be with just you. As well he cannot force you to be with just him.
Though, using my current situation as an example...
I have been on two technical dates with a guy I am interested in. We've talked, online, for HOURS (eight hours the first night we met, and more every day after), and I feel loyalty towards him. We went on a date Saturday morning and then that night I was asked on a date by an old friend who is home for the weekend. While my old friend is a nice guy and attractive, I declined. I feel that accepting this invitation would be wrong of me to do, especially on the same day I went on a date with another guy who I'm into.
Anyway..yeah.
to me, anything past kissing leads to a relationship.
quality time and special moments can come from anyone you deem special in your life. your f*ckin' dog can give you these things.
men aren't as tough as they make themselves out to be.
but it's also interesting, b/c women aren't as soft as they make themselves out to be either. cut the social sexist bullsh*t.
You're not completely correct. I do suffer from a fear of commitment. I can't lie to you, on paper, it DOES sound like a lame-ass excuse, but it is what it is. It's kinda like arachnophobia. Why be afraid of something that is 1/1,000,000th your size?
I think the fear of commitment stems from the fear of being or making the wrong choice. Like, you find somebody cool now, but meet somebody better down the line and realizing that you settled for less. At least, that's my observation on it.
I agree with the person that said men would consider a committed relationship one that is agreed on by both parties. Another reason for men shying away could be because they do not want to open themselves up to be vulnerable and feel that they might not want to totally open themselves up to end up getting hurt. This usually happens as a result of past connections/ relationships where they have been hurt. Us men are different creatures even though that being said we have feelings to and can get hurt when we get hurt most of the time we do not show it but instead we keep it within and thus looking at future relationships through that lens and this makes us even more reluctant to commit to anything and open our selves up again as with women who find it easier to constantly open themselves up. It is kind of like us saying we gave this commitment thing a try and we got burned it will be awhile before i open myself up like this again
not exactly. recently this guy thought i wanted commitment and requested time to think it out. so i let him, meanwhile, i went out more and started dating with 2 other guys. 3 weeks later, he met up with me and gave me weird attitude. i was like, what the hell? it shows. men insist they want to think about committing, and they can't take it when i have people dating me.
I would never do anything stupid over an ex..I did it while we were in the relationship</3 Hm...Well, sorta.
hmm sometimes i do think it is easy to place blame on the other for withdrawing or for the end of a relationship. it is also to just place blame on urself without really caring why or how. so i think in general, the best way to think about it is that both people are in a bond and if it gets messed up then it is unfortunate for both parties. so the best possibilties are to try and develop as much onflict resolution skill as possible in order to make sure it happens as little often as possible.
Wondering what else is out there/what they're missing. That seems to ruin it for a lot of people.
If people were to straight up tell one another what they want from a relationship, I doubt there would be any such thing on Earth anymore; minus in distant tribes that ignore such articles. Honestly, if on one of the first dates, a woman sits the man down and says, "I want a serious relationship from you. I'm hoping to have three children, I hope you can provide me with two girls and one boy. I'd appreciate it if you'd get a good paying job soon, so I can burden you with my outstanding credit card debt as well. Is that okay?" -- The date wouldn't go any further. (I was being sarcastic, but the same point is getting across.)
I do think that not being blunt about things is a problem in relationships a lot of the time, but really.. at the beginning of the relationship you should generally be laid back and enjoy yourself. Give yourself a chance to find out if you're even compatible.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - Agreed. Like most dating articles, it has legitimate points that, like all things, should be taken with a grain of salt, the "salt" being that somewhere out there is ANOTHER article called "Guys, what you can do to make your relationship run more smoothly".
Yeah, the article is a little simplistic and biased in terms of alloting and suggesting blame (and I think your friend is reading wayyyyy too much into it and giving it wayyyyy too much weight re: her current situation). But it's a helpful article on how to communicate in a relationship, whether or not you're a guy or a girl, and how to understand your significant other.
So - take from it the positive, and disregard the simplistic overtones of "Men are fragile, women should be doing better." I think the main point is that if you aren't getting what you want out of a relationship, don't hesitate to talk about it with your S.O. in a diplomatic and "sane" manner (i.e. without screaming and tears).
I don't think the issue of "exclusivity" is as big a factor as the responsibility of having to spend a lot of time with your girl. For me anyway. We just want to be by ourselves or doing dumb stuff with the fellas without always having our girl tag along or taking up all our time, yknow?
Men withdraw, 98% of the time, because they are bored. The brutal truth.
Wiith exclusivity it breeds responsibility and maturity. Both are things that men don't want to take on unless they have to. Exclusivity also limits the man from finding their 'ideal' candidate...sure their current SO can be quite the catch but in the back of our heads we always wonder that there has to be someone better. Often times we are right, there are, but will you ever meet them? Being exclusive takes that hope away.
Perhaps the girl is being too clingy, too demanding, too pushy... that's my theory at least. Many guys will shy away if you're suffocating them (trying to spend every waking moment with him and wanting to know where he is at all times). Give him room to breathe by having fun without him. It makes you appear more desirable because he sees that you don't depend on him to live..which also means he's not on a short leash. (the shorter the leash the more he wants to break free)
Be smart. Don't always be available and don't always expect him to be available to you...and he'll appreciate you more and suggest the commitment on his own.
The other theory is he just isn't that into you. If that is the case then move on. There are other men out there and not all of them are non-committal.
i believe that every woman deserves a man who is willing to to be with her and only her. No a woman cannot force a man to be with only her but then isnt this expected in a relationship?? what is the definition of a relationship then?? it just goes to show how messed up society has gotten
But yes i also believe that the "afraid" of commitment is complete bullshit. they are not afraid of commitment but afraid of the loss of fun once in a committed and exclusive relationship. i mean come on ladies you know when your out with your girls drinking and having a good time part of that fun is catching a guys eye and luring them in and then eventually hooking up with them. This is the same with men. When they go out they like the idea of finding a woman and "winning" her over like a prize a trophey for the night if you will. It makes them feel better about themselves and quite frankly its fun....Men are afraid of losing this aspect of their lives and so makes it hard for them to become exclusive with one woman because this means losing thier freedom to have fun.
i dont know but when I am with a man i demand he be exclusive because not only is it a sign of respect for yourself but a sign of respect from him. And honestly i feel as though this is EXPECTED. I dont get into a relationship with a man thinking im one of many. This this not considered a relationship and sorry to say it but you are just one of his hoes in this case.
i think in order for men to change their thinking society needs to also and stop thinking this type of bahavior is okay.
hmm, Interesting. Because both I and my bf from the beginning of our "relationship" when we started seeing eachother, was that we had that "exclusivity" . And if you're not sure what you have. Ask, and say what you want.
You can't have a relationship where one person doesn't think it's exclusivity, and the other one dates 3 different ppl at the same time.
@Simply_Cynical@xanga - I have to agree with you. It is all about communication and confidence. Men are sensitive they just do overeact on everything. Most of them think about it before they talk about it. Women try and fit the stereotype that they are week and then they tend to act on impulse when they are ready to explode. Take a deep breath and talk things out, we are all human.
In the end, the only thing that matters in any relationship is whether or not you both want to be in it. one person can let go and it's over. This just happaned to me, and I know he had problems commiting and was scared about getting very serious, and he was scared about what he wanted to do in the future. In the end though, the reason he broke it off was because when he drifted away, he realized he could be happy without me. People tend to begin relationships for the wrong reasons (sex, money, looks, fun) and stay in it because they don't want to prove themselves wrong. If everyone was honest in every relationship, said how they felt and what they wanted, girls wouldn't get their hearts broken for wanting more, and guys would be able to see every girl as an oppurtunity for the best and not have to worry about settleing.
that's my two cence any way :)