Saturday, 17 January 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Can I Date Two Guys, Then Choose One?
About two months ago, I met the perfect man, J! He's a little older than I am, and we have a long distance relationship, but he is seriously the older male version of me! Everything was so perfect until recently, when a former flame came back into my life from over a year ago - we'll call him S. J has been so patient and understanding with other men hitting on me and has blindly accepted me and all my quirks - and I, his. He is everything I look for in a man. He's strong, smart, loving, sexy as hell and he wants to take care of me. He is the man in a relationship.
And then there's S, the polar opposite! He has been after me for three years now; he's incredibly smart and kind of nerdy (which I have always found irresistibly cute). I really like him and I told him I would give him a chance to see if we could work, but for some reason, he has taken that as a solid "yes". Again, I really like S, but he's kind of a pussy...He's the emotional one, he cries and totally pours his heart out and that's kind of a turn off for me.But the problem here (besides having to choose between two guys) is that both J and S insist they are in love with me and that they need me in their lives...and I don't know what to do!Would it be wrong to date both of them, see who I really have feelings for and then make a decision?
Or do I need to decide now and let one go? I truly like both of these guys.. but for different reasons!
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Comments (81)
Mhm, yeah it would be kind of mean to date both of them at the same time.
J seems perfect,
and I wouldn`t want to date a man like S if he cries for me.
mhm seems like a dilema...
I would make it clear that you are "dating" so no one gets hurt if they find out your going out on a date with someone else... but yea, take your time, and date! That's how we learn about people and see if we are compatible, it only makes sense really.
LDR's are scary... be careful with that one. Everyone looks great from a distance.
Just my 2 cents.
I want to be mean. I won't though. You should pick only one.
er...in love with you, already? Sounds a bit iffy. Of course, you sort of made it sound like you're much more into J than you are S (which might not be the case, but you didn't exactly list any flaws for J), so you know the guy I'd choose for you. Haha. Anyway, if they're both up for an open relationship until you're ready to decide, then it's all gravy for you...but you might want to just consider and decide on one of them, since there will be strings attached for both of them, and you know it. Good luck!
@Not_a_real_site@xanga - hahaha.
I think exclusive dating is a good idea, however if you make it clear to both that you need to sort things out, and want to hang out with both of them ... I think it'd be sticky, but not necessarily wrong.
Well, seeing as if you choose J without thought, you'll be hurting S and possibly be making a mistake, and the same goes with if you pick S without thought (You'll be hurting J and be possibly making a mistake); I don't see how it'd be that bad to think about it. It sounds like you're wanting to have an open relationship to me. That way you can date them both. That'd only be fair if they both had the option of dating other females as well. If you're going to date both of them / do an open relationship, they need to know about it. They need to know why you're doing it. They both deserve to know that you aren't going to be dating JUST them. (IE: Just J or just S) If you wouldn't tell them what you were doing that would be wrong, because then it'd be cheating.
So. If you do it correctly, let them know exactly what you're doing, and give them the option of "doing the same" if they so choose, then it won't be "wrong".
Is J ever moving to your own city to be with you or vice versa?
If these guys think you're in a committed relationship, then to them it's cheating. Maybe you need to take a breather from both of them in order to find out whom you really like. The longer you wait, the harder it is.
As long as both of them are aware that you're just dating both of them and working through your own process to come to grips on your own decisions and feelings, then I'd say it can't be wrong to do so.
At least one of them sounds like they'll be understanding about it. It'll be tough, I'm sure, but, it sounds like a mature process to me.
you describe "J" as the perfect man, so my vote is for him. if you intellectually know that "J" is better, don't let yourself be too swayed by your old flame's...tears : X
You said yourself, S is a pussy and he's apparently needy. Can you handle that for however long you're together? He's an old flame for a reason - leave him that way. If he can't get over it, then you made the right decision. If he does get over it, you still made the right decision and he's taken something away from your relationship.
Well, this is a good post. I'm on the fence right now, so let's see where my thoughts lead me. One the one hand, pillowpixie is right, as long as both know, dating both seems like an okay thing to do. On the other hand, it's not just likely to get messy, it's going to be like navigating a mine field, deaf, blind, mute, alone, and the mines have little feet that move around and purposely get in your path. I'm not kidding.
If you're dating both, feelings and problems get intertwined and mixed. Furthermore, you should be sharing your problems stresses and woes with your significant other, especially if the feelings are deep, but you can't possibly do that because how can you possibly complain about one to the other? It wouldn't make sense. You could try, and they both could be like of course you can come to me, but really, it'll drive everyone insane. On the front end it might seem like it might work, but to be honest, you're already TOO close to both, for you to 'casually' date both. Casually dating multiple guys works fine. But I can guarantee it won't be so easy with J and S.
If you really play out the scenario in your head, I think you'll find that it won't work. You'll have physical intimacy with S that you can't possibly get from J because he's long distance, and it sounds like you have attraction to S that J will never receive.
What I'm saying is... you have to choose. Pick one, fully invest, see how it goes. You can always decide it's not right, and hope the other is still available. I'm not saying you can't be friends or in contact with the other, but in order to give either guy a legitimate chance, you have to attempt to give it your all. Don't let the other be a crutch to fill the gaps you're missing, or you'll never be quite satisfied.
If you asked me, it sounds like J is the man you want, but because he's 'inconvenient' due to distance, you're considering having S as either a crutch, until you can truly be with J, or simply as a way of settling. Sure, I know you like different things about both, but if they both lived in the same city with you, wouldn't you choose J in a heartbeat? It sure sounds like it. If that's true, choose J, but have a plan to close that gap, sooner better than later.
Before I was able to close the gap with my ex (we ended up dating 7 years), she was attracted to a guy at her school. We were quite deeply connected to each other by then, despite having never met. I told her to go out with him, have a good time, see how she felt. After she came back she said it wouldn't work, it wasn't possible, because she couldn't let him in without letting me go, and she didn't WANT to let me go. I tried to let her go, stopped calling her by her pet name "love", and went back to calling her by her real name. I did it once or twice (and explained to her why). She was so devastated at the sense of loss of our intimacy and she realized that her attraction for me (when she wasn't taking it for granted) vastly overwhelmed her slight crush on this other guy. Walking the path to being together for the next year or so was a piece of cake.
They'll both be able to live without you (I hope). They may not like it, but you really should choose. Otherwise, you'll be neither here nor there and it'll just drag on until one of them breaks and decides to give you an ultimatum for all or nothing, or until it causes so much strife that you choose one.
I would invoke the 8 stages, but I'd think your choice seems fairly clear to pick J. If it's not, send me a line and I'll guide you through the 8 stages with each guy, and see where they land, see if it helps you make your decision.
I think you've answered your own question. You said J seems like the "perfect" man, while on the other hand, S is needy and emotional.
Don't lead the guys on, then leave them.
Good luck. o_o;
well... think about it this way...
what if you like/love a guy and he tells you he's dating another girl at the same time dating you...
its not bad at all i don't think. i mean, as long as you're not in an exclusive relationship with either until you decide!
would you like to be lead on?
As long as you're clear it's casual, you can date both and then choose. I don't see why not.
It sounds like you are more attracted to J, but most of the times long distance relationships leave you with nothing to hold on to. I don't think you can be in love with someone that you havent spent time with. S, although he has flaws, might be better, its not fair to go back and forth between them, So you have to choose.
Wow you're so lucky to even have two great guys like you. I suggest you take your time to know them better. You don't have to date, per se. Just go for coffee or lunch and get to know them better and then make up your mind.
I wouldn't date them both, it would give one of them false hopes.
Honestly, the way you describe them, it seems that you're really into J while S is just a friend.
well, that sucks. I don't like nerdy guys. I would have to say this though: DONT DATE TWO FRIGGIN GUYS
What I would do: Not talk to both of them for a week and see who I miss/think about more, or at all.
I don't think it's wrong to date both of them as long as they know about it and you've set a time limit for your decision, because you can't make them constantly wonder when you're going to decide.
I wish I had two guys I liked that liked me back...
Good luck! =)
...only if it's okay for a guy to date a bunch of girls and "choose" one with whom he wants to end up dating.
You should probably only pick one. Too many problems can arise if you try dating both at the same time. Personally, it's a turn off for me too when a guy cries over the stupidest and sappiest of shit. The guy comes off across to me as a total fruitcake, and I don't mean the food. But I digress.You are going to have to choose one or the other; you can't have both.
It isn't fair to either one of them. You said it yourself. S is needy and overly emotional, and he's an old flame. He's better off staying that way. If he can't get over it, tough cookies for him. He doesn't sound like the type of guy I would want to go back to quite honestly, but I don't wish to tell you what to do. Whoever you choose, don't lead anybody on to believe something that really isn't.
Uhhh go for J.