This is a guest blog submitted by trickery19.
I've only been going to my new church for a few weeks, and last week, I was invited out with a group of the young adults. So I went along and met this guy who was apparently the only other person my age in the church, so I spent a while chatting with him, and because he lived the closest to me, he took me home.
To me, that was all it was; I spoke to some guy who gave me a lift home. I didn't know his last name, his number or anything about him, really, except for the information exchanged during your typical small talk, and he knew the same amount about me. Of course, as he took me home, he knew my home address and, yesterday, decided to come over to my house! Because it was a Saturday, I was on the couch watching a movie, wearing my PJs, enjoying some sort of snack; needless to say, I didn't want to see him. My mom told him I was out; he left his number and I thought that that was all, that I'd send him a "sorry I was out" text and then just see him at church.
But no, he called me and we had a little chat about what we'd been doing that day; when he asked if I liked coffee, I gave a skeptical, "I guess" response, and the next thing I knew, he was telling me to be ready in ten minutes because he was going to pick me up. What was I meant to say, he was being friendly, and I needed to make friends at this church. I convinced myself it was just friends catching up (despite only having met the guy once) and went out with him.
We didn't just go for coffee.
We ended up driving around the area, while he showed me different things I may not have known. It was interesting, I guess, but I was very concerned about what he was thinking. He ended up putting his arm around me and offering me his hand when we went down a staircase.
My sister was out with her boyfriend at the time, but later in the evening, I got upset at the idea of having to see this guy the next day, so I called her. I wanted to go out and ask her (and her boyfriend's!) advice, but my parents wouldn't let me, so she cut her date short and came home. I guess if anything came from this situation, it was that we became closer.
So maybe you're wondering why it's all such a big deal? To be honest, it's mainly because I don't like people touching me. At all. The only two people in the world allowed to hug me are my mom and my best friend, because hugs and touching just make me uncomfortable. I like to think that I'll know my future boyfriend is going to be my future husband when I'm comfortable with his holding my hand or giving me a hug, so for this guy to basically take something that I'm only prepared to give to someone else was something I did not appreciate. Sure, I may be a prude, but I don't care.
I also have a medical condition that requires me to carefully plan and monitor my eating habits, and because he took me out without notice, I couldn't stick to my planned schedule. So by the time I got back, because I'd missed an eating time, I couldn't eat for the rest of the day, and by this morning I was so nervous about seeing him again that I couldn't eat breakfast. After nearly passing out in church, we left early and I've spent most of the day wrapped up in my pink blankets, watching happy movies and trying to make myself better. But I'm still not well enough to go to the evening service today, so luckily, I won't have to see him. This all just reminded me how little this guy knows me - he doesn't even know I have a medical condition, whereas my other friends are constantly checking whether or not I need to eat.
What do you think? And how do I tell him to leave me alone without separating myself from the rest of the church?
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Comments (52)
This is a tough one. It doesnt sound to me like he is just trying to be a nice guy....sounds like he is interested in you. If you are really feeling anxious about it, it might be a good idea to clue him in. LNext time you talk to him, let him know that your schedule is really tight (it is, what with having to plan eating, right?) and suggest a time to get together with all the other church folks.
It doesnt sound like he is trying to come on too strong, he just doesn't yet know how to read body language and determine when you are not comfortable. Maybe you could strike up a closer friendship with someone else at church?
I have absolutely no clue. This guy comes across as epic fail for a variety of reasons, the most obvious is which you NOTICED when he touched you as a romantic advance. I mean that whole situation was already DOA by the time it got to that, and he probably didn't see your face and body freeze, read your body language or anything else that would indicate he knew how to make a girl interested in him. I am not saying I am even remotely accomplished at this, but I am aware, it can be done, in a classy transparent way and I think church is...
Actually one of the few places I have not considered as a good place to be really charming and scrounge up some numbers. I wonder what church in my area is mostly Asian and Korean? Talk about not caring if you crash and burn! Thanks for the idea! :)
@bLueAnGeL55@xanga - You should listen to this first commenter, everyone should. If a guy creeps you out, tell him to piss off. Guys don't creep girls out by being really nice, they do so by having an agenda. Trust me, it's worth it to be able to deflect creepy guys.
I'd just tell him flat out that you aren't interested in persuing a relationship with him. You have good reasoning, seeing as you just met him. If the people in your church are angered by that, then they are immature Christians. Casual dating shouldn't be an aspect of the church anyways, so they should appreciate your response to his persual.
I understand what you mean about not liking people to touch you. I am not a big fan of physical touch either. I allow most of my close female friends and family members to hug me, but I'm very uncomfortable with my guy friends doing so. There is one guy who I don't mind, but it's taken years of friendship and a growing attraction to him to get that far.
sexual advances are often under Satan's influence
it's best to seek help from a third perspective who can advice that person without embarrassing him
(love thy neighbor)
MAthew 18:15 NIV
A Brother Who Sins Against You15"If your brother sins against you,
[a]go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But
[b]if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every
matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'
17If
he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses
to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax
collector.
Hi!
I think you should just talk to him, and maybe a youth leader (I figured you're a youth with the older sister + parents not allowing you out combo...Sorry if I'm wrong) just so that the leadership is aware. Both of him, and your medical condition.
Ah... this is tricky, since y'all go to the same church. Fortunately it's not like you have to see him every day... I can't really determine from your post whether or not this guy is just interested and being a bit overzealous in trying to express it, or a wanna-be-stalker. I would say play it nice simply because who wants extra drama while at church? Make up whatever excuse you need to not be alone with him (bLueAnGel's mention of your food scheduling is a very good point... you DO have a tight schedule which cannot be altered, so it's not like you're lying.) If he persists in trying to be with you at least make the attempt to stay in groups... thereby hopefully killing the "wanna-be-stalker" element. Don't totally give him the brush, acknowledge his presence and keep it to surface talk... but don't go deeper. I personally would be offended at someone being so presumptuous with my time ... I'm not sure that I would be able to be so nice with someone who'd already butted in. But, hopefully you're nicer with those things than I would be.
You did make a mistake- You should have never even texted the guy in the first place. If you are not interested in a guy do not even give them one iota of hope. i am not blaming him for being a creep :)_just my 2 cents.
Honestly, I hate when people do that--you have no intention on going out, and suddenly someone calls you and basically ORDERS you to go out somewhere!
But I guess you have to be blunt with him. Your condition is your business, but at least tell him you weren't very comfortable the other day and would rather not hang out again. It's a tough situation, I must admit...but if you don't want to be pushed around and you don't want to do anything that affects your health like that, you have to explain this somehow. The truth is the only thing that comes to mind in my head.
From the title I thought you meant he gave you some kind of disease, lol.
Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry this happened! Something very similar happened to me this summer before college started (I went on a date without my knowing it and the guy touched me a lot...I don't like being touched by just anyone, either!). Obviously you can't stop going to church because of him. I would simply stop accepting any invitation he offers to go out. If he calls, don't answer. If he is a total creep and comes to your house, make sure someone else answers and says you're not home. He should get the message eventually!
Ohh, same here. D: I hate it when people touch me, even if it's just a tap on the shoulder, unless it's my friends.
I think you should tell him that you don't like it when he touches you, and all that, but don't get too personal with the medical condition. Don't come off too harsh though.
I can't tell if he likes you, or if he's just being too friendly with you. o-o
Tell him he came on way too strong, and to please stop calling/dropping by. Also, tell him stop making you miss meals. You can't mess with a person's eating habits. That's where the line should be drawn.
Doh, poor guy, and poor you. He's clueless, like everyone else said, clue him in. Try to do it gently, as a courtesy, but be firm. Oh, and if you have a medical condition you should have SPOKEN UP when you were out! Stand up for yourself, when your health is at stake only an impossibly over-sensitive person would feel offended that you need to do something. I mean, would you feel offended if a person with diabetes interrupted cruising around town to take an insulin shot? Good luck. And if he feels bad, don't worry, it happens. He'll live.
I would say that you need to tell him all you want from him is friendship if you even want that. I mean you can't let this guy walk all over you and make you sick (literally). You need to just come out and say it. Good luck :)
Clue him in that you "like" some other guy and he'll probably leave you be.
That's eerie... I'd say tell him directly that you're not interested in dating at the current moment and turn the guy down at every new advance after. Don't CONSTANTLY blow him off... Say hi at church, treat him like you treat everyone else, and then go home. Ignore the calls or cut them short, you're now always in the middle of something or another. If he shows up, throw on work clothes, tell him you weren't expecting guests and you'll see him at church, and CLOSE THE DOOR.
One thing I'll stress is be prepared to tell him no and mean it. NO, I'm busy right now, I'm not going for coffee. NO, I'm on a strict eating schedule, I can't grab a bite to eat or l'll get sick. NO, I won't be ready in 10 minutes to leave, I have plans already; l'm not changing them so you and I can go drive aimlessly.
Understand that he can't make you do anything, he can just bug the heck out of you until you comply. Just keep telling him no and he'll get the hint. If not, it might be good to take up your cause with your church leader. They can support you and advise you on the situation.
Good luck and God bless!
The poor lad sounds like he likes you and he'll blow it for no good reason, LOL. Be up front with him about requiring a specific dietary regimen because of a medical condition, and remind yourself that new things stress you out when your schedule is disrupted but that you can take it in stride. Tell him things need to be planned a few days in advance so you can work your day around it. Your reaction sounds like change-related stress, so take a deep breath and simmer down. New boy, missed meals, new places, a coffee date - if you're a person who needs structure, and it sounds like you are - then I think you just had too much disruption in one 24 hour period. Give this poor lad a chance:D
Does he even want to be your BF or is he just showing affection? Tell him, hey I don't like being touched and if you're hinting at a physical relationship, I'm not ready for a boyfriend. Or hint at it; I'm really not ready for a boyfriend without suggesting he wants it.
Yeah he doesn`t sound like a very nice guy.
Kind of stalker-ish.
Wonder what`s going through his mind?
And especially if he made you ill.
I`d consider getting a new phone number.
And possibly moving to Alaska.
That way, Sarah Palin can protect you with her hunting rifles :D
Did you tell him that you have a condition? It's not his fault that he's a "jerk" and he took you out nonchalantly; that you're uncomfortable being touched; or that you have a strict schedule, but it's your RESPONSIBILITY!
If you don't want to go out say "NO". If you're not comfortable being touched TELL HIM. If you have a condition then MENTION IT!
This guy doesn't know you very well because you didn't tell him. Don't blame him
okay i don't want to be mean but come on. you can't blame the guy, he was just trying to build up a romantic relationship. You can't blame him for trying to hold your hand or making you not eat...it's actually your fault. If that stuff is important to you, he can't read your mind. You need to tell him and let him know what's up. anyways, i hope things turn out for the best. God bless us all!!!
Wow, that's complicated... Just tell him how you feel. That's the best I know to do.
just tell him you're not interested at all & leave you alone & no phone calls or showing up at your house etc. and if he won't listen to you, have your big sister tell him she'll beat him with a metal baseball bat otherwise. he's rude & aggressive, and from your story and writing style, you don't sound like that, so he might be going after you on purpose.
i somehow bet the rest of the girls in the church are aware of how annoying this guy is, and probably aren't overly fond of him either, so i doubt anyone (besides him) will be bothered.
That would have creeped me out if he had showed up at my house. I talked to a guy once for around thirty minutes (My mom was talking to his mom about something) and later that night he kept calling my house repeatedly. He had got my number from his mom. Luckily he had no clue where I lived, or he would have came past my house. (He told my mom that) I talked to him for thirty minutes to an hour a day or so later, hoping he'd leave me alone. I'm good at NOT making advancements at all, yet after that exchange he thought we were "dating" and that I was "in love with him". It got increasingly worse, even though I didn't talk to him ever again.
Anyway, I think the best way to handle this is to straight up tell him you aren't interested in being in a relationship with him, and that he's only succeeding at one thing: making you really uncomfortable. If you're nice about it, he may think you're just shy about being in a relationship and keep coming around. In cases like this you'll have to be blunt about it. Good luck!
Just tell him the truth. From what you told me, this guy is kinda creeping me out. Let him know you're not interested. I think the avoidance doesn't help much in your case as it's making you anxious & affecting your health.
I think that's really tacky of him for hitting on a newcomer at church. That just gives church people a bad rep.. & scares away all potential church members. Yuck. This is part of the reason I didn't go back to this church I liked while I was in college. A guy came on too strong & because I didn't want to see him again, I let that prevent me from picking a church I really liked. It's sad how one person can ruin it for the rest of us.