Saturday, 17 January 2009
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My Dad's Made It Hard to Trust Guys
This is a guest blog submitted by OuttaspaceAleh.
I have high standards for dating; some of my friends know why and others don't know the whole story.
My father has left me and my mother nine times in nineteen years, usually every two year for two to six months at a time. Then he'd come back and say he'd never do it again. My mother needed the money, so she'd do anything to have him there. With my father in and out and the lies and abuse that left mental and emotional damage, it left me unable to close to anyone, especially guys.
I also refuse to date close friends because I don't want to disrupt our friendship. I got close to my best guy friend - he was the first person to ever really get me to open up. Of course, because of the way he held my heart and protected me, I fell in love. I eventually got really hurt by it and how he reacted to the whole situation. This one person to whom I finally started to open up and tell hidden things, the one person who knew the most about my home life and childhood..had left me..
I've had a lot of trouble trusting people because of how my dad treated me and my mom, although I'm getting closer to a lot of girls, which is a good thing. I'll be 19 in two months - I'm a freshman in college - and have been single all my life with only three real crushes. Did I mention I think my mother is more worried about my not being able to find someone to marry, but I'm more concerned that anyone I find will inevitably leave me?
But coming into 2009, I made a deal with myself not to go by my standards any longer and just to take things as they come. I'm hoping this brings good things for the coming year.
Has anyone else been in a situation like this, where your way of relating with people was complicated by a situation at home?
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About the Author
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- From: OuttaspaceAleh@xanga
- About Me: I'm a teenage girl. Who's been through a lot more than anyone can say. Some call me depressed because I don't tell them whats wrong. Those who know a lot about what I've gone through call me strong. I made people realize that they never realized how blessed they were. Even though I face a lot of difficult things in life, I try to get passed it all and smile. You never know when it's your last day.
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Comments (59)
My father was a real fucker (excuse my French), too. My parents divorced when I was five, but I remember it vividly. He never came back, thank goodness, but he really warped my way of thinking for a long time. He was abusive, so I believed every man was like him. As I grew older, though, I realized that I didn't need to live my life the way he wanted me to live it. So, at fourteen, after a lot of fighting and fear, I was able to move out of my father's house to live with my mother full time. Ever since then, I have matured and grown into a completely different person. I'm no longer controlled by him. I encourage you to also move on from your experience with your dad. Understand that your father is not the example of what a man should be like. Instead, use him as an example of what not to find. Open yourself up more. It is true that there is a chance of getting hurt, but that should only teach you about the difference between the good men and the bad men. Eventually, you will find a man that is worth your time and effort. I wish you the best, and thank you for sharing!
you're still young.. you'll learn that not every man is an asshole. just the majority.
You have been through a lot, but what you need to realize is that you have to build trust in people and its not the other way around. People do things to build your trust in them, if your scared that youll open up to someone and they will leave you... those are not the type of people that you want to stick around and find out later that they are a flake. Youv'e got to pick out all the weeds to find the most beautiful flowers.
im sorry. i really dont have any advice, ive never been in that situation. but im sorry you had to go through that :(
My dad got us girls scarred in a way that we don't want to be remember of the pains. And so, we were closing in on our feelings to the opposite sex. In such experiences, I think one would just be more cautious; but it is possible to find a healthy relationship regardless of the past if the right person comes along.
That sounds similar to what I went through with my crushes. All of mine have been good guy friends and except for 1 which is the current crush I have all have become awkward or we just don't talk anymore. I understand the fear of feeling as if you will always find someone who will just leave you because that is one of my fears. However I am a believer in conquering our fears and taking chances. I wouldn't give up on anything or whatnot but I would also consider becoming good friends with the guy before you date them or anything because if your friendship is solid and honest and is a good decent one than your relationship will be the same way and if it doesn't work out at least you know that you have a friend. I am sorry your father has made it hard for you to trust guys, I have been there my entire life and have always been single (I am 23) however I have overcome that with the help of my friends and my therapy (my therapy is writing, helps keep me sane). I would just keep my head up and enjoy life. You are young and have time to find the right guy, don't let your mom's worries stress you out or anything. Life is what you make it.
I know exactly what you're going through. My dad took off, and broke me in so many ways through the years. I been in three serious relationships. Two of them swore they had intentions of marrying me, and they all took off.
To be dead honest with you, I'm terrified of letting people get in.. I mean, not only did my dad run off on me, and disown me.. But those guys, those guys who I spent YEARS with took off on me too..
But I've got faith. It's hard to keep, but I've got faith that someday, I'll find that right guy, and that he'll stick around.
Keep your chin up.
We're all shaped by our upbringings. It's great that you're really conscious and self-aware of the ways that you've been. Don't feel ashamed. And don't rush into anything you don't feel ready for.
i think having a standard of what you want to look for in a guy is a good thing. Just make sure they are not too detailed. Since we're all human and make mistakes once in a while.. n there is really no way to really know if the person is right until u get to know him more.
I think no matter what, u need to find someone who respects you, in everyway. and someone who is honest. So if he's like playing little tricks, than maybe it's time to move on, who knows if he'll play other tricks right? But if someone is totally just honest and respect u n doesn't rush in to things, than u might want to get to know him more.
being 19 n not dated a lot of guys is totally normal. Don't change ur standard too much just to b " fit in" . I think u should feel comfortable with whoever u're going to date.
good luck~
So sorry. Sadly, I don't trust any guys either (because, well, because I've met me). But there's always hope. Even if you don't form serious relationships, you should date casually. Protect your heart, have a good time, be comfortable in your own skin and enjoy yourself in your own right. Know that the men (or women) in your life may come and go, but they can't take who you are when they do. It may feel like sometimes people take your identity with them when they leave, but really, they can't. It's hard because when you lose someone with whom you share that part of yourself, but it doesn't mean that part of you disappears, it just means it comes back to you. Each time your father left he took with him a part of your life you shared with him, but he can't take it from you completely. You're still you, and eventually you'll find someone to share it with again.
Remember who you are, and try not to doubt that. Remember, HE is the one leaving, HE is the one making the mistake, not you. You are still the person you were each day you were before, and will be each day after.
I totally understand where you are coming from. My dad has made it almost impossible for me to trust guys, it takes a long time before I can trust a guy.
I dated my very best friend of 15 years for a year, he was my first boyfriend and he knew me better than anyone, and he treated me the same my dad treated my mom. He didn't outright cheat on me, but judging by how fast he started a new relationship after he left me I'm pretty sure he broke up with me just so he could say he didn't really cheat.
My fiance though is a different story, we started out as just friends and he slowly earned my trust to the point where I trust him over anyone else on this earth, even though I am still hesitant to open up sometimes.
You HAVE to overcome those problems or else you won't function in a relationship.
Just remember that every guy is not going to be just like your dad, there are trustworthy guys out there. If you get into a relationship and you just can't trust the guy GET OUT. Go with your gut instinct... but do communicate your troubles to your SO. Be honest above all else. A little honesty goes a very long way
I'm sorry that you had to live through all of that with your father.
As a man it disgusts me what he has done. A father is supposed to be a role model and an example for his children in what they should become for the boys, and what they should look for for the girls.
While your father wasn't a good example of what you should look for, and how a man should treat you, there are others that can be a good example to you. And men who would help you to find a man that will fulfill is role and stick around.
There are real men out there who won't leave. Given your past you'll
likely find it much easier to find a real man if you have one to look
up to.
My thoughts are that you should look in your church (if you are in one) for an older married man with a good wife and children and see the example he puts forth and ask him and his wife for guidance and direction. Also, they would be good in helping you determine which guys are worth your time and which aren't.
I'm really sorry what you had to go through. Nobody deserves that and I really want to hurt that man after reading your post... but what made me the happiest was you telling your new year's resolution. You are so brave and I know you'll do great! Don't let the past ever ever get you down. The best way to "beat him up" is by being sucessful, happier, and better than he ever was. :)
I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. I know it can be hard but don't push people away but at the same time don't be so easy to trust. Just take things slow and when the time is right, I'm sure you'll meet someone great. I wish you and your the mother the best.
Story of my life actually... Everything is complicated by the things at home.. :(
OMG i know excially what you are going through, i have been through the same shit with my dad as well and it sucks. He was in and out of my life and as i got older i just felt like every man that came into my life would walk right out which was true because it happen to me many times. I been with my husband for 6 years and married to him for 3 and i have just started trusting him 2 years ago woow right? you would think if i was with someone this long i would have been trusted them way long before but nope because i feel that my dad has alot to do with that.your not the only one to go through this hun and as you get much older you will start to realize that you have to be strong and work it the best way you know how to. all i can do is protect my heart and keep a wall up. so far my wall has been down for one man and one man only.
Wow...that's really tough. I'm sorry to hear you've been through such a hard time.
I can understand the fear, definitely--but you can't overcome it if you don't try, right? So hopefully things will be alright this year. Don't think about your parents when you get involved in dating, because this is YOUR life.
Even though my parents have a happy marriage, there are still things that I don't want to copy. So I think it's something we all go through as kids.
Not only has my father had a negative influence on my life. But i've also had horrible luck with guys. && for a while.. i was discouraged.but i took a few years away from guys. and just found myself..granted im sure that my story isn't that important.
You seem to know where you are. As far as telling yourself to forget your standards and be open to what comes your way. which is good. take it a day at a time. but don't be afraid of what does come.
im in a really good relationship. marriage is coming up. and lately i have to keep myself from running from being scared because of my dad. but hopefully when you find that person. you'll be completely firm on your stance with him. && you won't have to have wars in your head, as i do.
i actually dont see how this comment has anything to do with helping you. but i guess it does answer you question. that there is one more person that is on the same page
I'm in a similar situation to you too. My dad was a bitch and yes I fell for one of my best boy mates and now we don't talk at all after he threw all my past in my face but Time is a healer and I am getting on with my life.
My father walked out on my family as well, along with other families he had started... it's pretty screwed up. Though I was raised my a stepdad since I was little, I still find it very hard to trust people -- particularly guys. I've been seeing this guy for about six months now, and it was so hard to let go and just trust him (still, sometimes it is hard, and he's never done anything wrong). But I've vowed to take chances and try to trust people, and I learned that things are better when you put yourself on a limb. I'd rather have him break my heart than never have gone through getting to know him and falling deeply in love with him...
Being vulernable is terrifying. It's good to be spectical, but don't let it hinder your whole life.
Good luck.
My dad's just always been kind of emotionally unavailable... along with a lot of other people in my life. I never really knew how to open up to others.
But I met someone who kind of pried me open with his love for me. I'm truly happy right now.
I've always been a huge cynic. And I will continue to have my doubts and worries. But I'm going to enjoy what we have in the mean time and hope that what I've been preparing myself for will never actually come.
Ok, I´m a dude, but it took me a long time to fully trust my boyfriend because of what my father and other men did to me. Never let the fear of being abandoned dominate you, because the people that fear being abandoned end up making their worse nightmare come true because of the actions that irrational fear makes them commit (jealousy, refusing to open up, leaving the one they love so that ze won´t abandon them; which is quite an idiotic thing to do, etc).
And please destroy your walls. Walls promote distrust. How the fuck are you gonna trust people if they won´t trust you first because of your imbecile behaviour?!
yes. when my parents got divorced i abruptly cut off a budding relationship with one of the only guys i've ever really cared about...and didn't speak to him for a year. now some things are happening between us, but i often find myself taking frustrations about tings at home out on him. i have to keep reminding myself that he is NOT my father, but it's hard and he often can't relate to these sorts of things, and is having a hard time reconciling the girl i was before the divorce and the girl i am now. just keep reminding yourself that not every guy will leave you, and that if you keep yourself closed you nevre WILL find anyone willing to stick it out.
and also...you have an advantage! you know what assholes men are, you know what to believe and not to believe...with things like this in your arsenal, you are ESPECIALLY able to separate the men from the boys.
@abcxunt@xanga - lol. agreed.
I assume most guys are jerks because of my father. Intellectually, I know that can't be true. But it's really difficult when you've been hurt by the first (and arguably most important) male role model in your life.
I'm still trying to figure this one out.