Friday, 16 January 2009
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On Trying An Open Relationship
This is a guest blog submitted by xoxbabymonkeyoxo.Recently, a guy that I liked in high school came back into my life, and we've been seeing each other for about six weeks now. It's been amazing having him around, but at times, it can be too much and too intense for me, especially because I'm not used to dating. He desperately wants to be in a relationship with me, whereas I like him, but I don't want to commit to anything right now.
So because I have a plethora of reservations, I suggested we have a open relationship. To me, (and because I'm not dating literate, I had to look this up) an open relationship means, "yes, I'll be with you, but not completely"
Urban Dictionary: "A relationship in which two people agree that they want to be together, but can't exactly promise that they won't see other people too. Basically, to have it all: a significant other and the freedom to hook up with other people. Common during college for many post-high school relationships."
He agreed, 'cause for him, it's a start (especially because the alternative was just being friends). I mean, it's not that I want to date anyone else; I just need the freedom to do my own thing because I don't know what I want. I know I really shouldn't "have my cake and eat it too," but right now I can only give him so much - even though I know for him, it will never be enough.
Is an open relationship really okay, or is it like the definition says: a great way to set yourself up for some hellish drama, instead of being honest with your significant other?
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- From: xoxBabyMonkeyoxo@xanga
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Comments (56)
hmm i think i am all for hooking up but an open relationship might not be my best idea since i really need a person to focus on me if we are in a relationship. but i am all for being single and hanging out with different guys. i am even up for hooking up with friends. just that with relationships it gets into some shady territory with boundaries. that can be tough, but can be what both are looking for if thats what the timing brings. but it really seems like a predevelopment for a actual relationship one.
I didn't know that you could do this "open relationship." I think that's what I'm in without wanting to be. That's because I don't think being apart for four months is going to get us anywhere without being boyfriend/girlfriend. If you guys were long distance, I could see it.
But keeping someone hanging because you aren't sure if that what you want or not? I think it's unfair.
I was in a open relationship for a few months. My boyfriend at the time had two other girls he was dating. It was a huge adjustment for me because for over a year I was his only girlfriend. It was difficult at first but towards the middle it got better. The part the sucked was that in the end he decided that he wanted to be with the other person more then me. So my advice to you is just be careful. It can end up hurting your friend and then your friendship could be in jeopardy as well.
My bf lives about 7 hrs away from me. He told me to go hookup w/other ppl. I was soooo shocked and initially devastaed about what he'd said...he then explained that I have needs that need to be met and that he'd rather have an "open relationship" w/me than have me out right cheat on him. It was kinda cute. He's scared that he can't meet all my needs and that I'll leave him if he can't. I agreed to the "open relationship" b/c it makes him happy. Whether or not I actually act on it is a different story...I told him that if that part of my "needs" are going to be met by someone else, he too should be out there getting those same needs met by someone else b/c it's only fair. He hasn't quite agreed to that...lol!! He thinks that he'll be fine, but that for some reason I can't go much longer w/out sex. Silly man. We've had many discussions about this only b/c my conscience had been haunting me. I think that overall, I'm ok w/the idea now. But still not sure if I'll ever act on our little agreement.
I think it would be okay as long as you both didn't talk about the other people you were dating/seeing. Just keep the focus on the two of you and your "relationship" and as long as you both agree to staying "open" then feelings wouldn't have to get hurt and you could minimize the drama.
Two ways to do this, to my thinking:
one, do what the dude who just posted said. Keep all other flings and whatnot totally secret and only talk about "your" relationship. Risk? One of you eventually falls for someone else and you break up.
two, do REAL LIVE polyamory. Join internet groups, read books like How To Be A Couple and Still be Free. This will take superhuman honesty and incredible self-knowledge and if, as you say, you're doing this because you don't know what you want, you CANNOT do real polyamory. The amount of self-knowledge this takes is absolutely nuts.
oh, third option: you just break it all off now.
I, personally, could never do it.
I'm sure it all depends, but overall, its kind of an "excuse" for one to not take that BIG step of being in a relationship with all the responsibilities. And yea, like you said, having it all, man how selfish are we human. =p
Oh, screw em rules! Just have fun!
I tried an open relationship with my current boyfriend. We dated once, but then broke up and for certain reasons, we couldn't be completely together, for a while, so to not be selfish, we gave each other the option to see others, but in the end neither of us took up on that offer and I suppose I got lucky, cause now we're together in an official, committed relationship.
However, the case is rarely that. Someone usually ends up crying and heartbroken, and it's usually the person who actually wants a relationship. So you, who's full of fear of commitment should consider that if anyone will be heartbroken, it'll be him.
On a different note, if you actually think that you have a future with him, where you can date him COMPLETELY then sure, go ahead, good luck.
Your going to do what you want anyways, just dont hope for anything meaningful to come out of this with this guy your seeing since he'll probably cut his loses eventually =O
I have thought about open relationships, but I would super jealous of any woman who went near my guy. I think they're perfectly fine as long as both parties understand what an open relationship entails and you both set guidelines. Like you shouldn't talk about your other relationships, etc. I hope it all works out for you!
open relationship is for ppl in the phase of "fooling around". If you want to do that then go ahead because life is too short not to fool around for a while. You never know, maybe it will eventually turn into a relationship. Calling it a relationship scares most people because they automatically imagine themselves bound to chains, whereas this lets you have your freedom. Downside is it's not serious, i.e you don't really care if the other party fools around with others. Maybe it's an upside too?
hope it helps!
i think an open relationship is what all relationships at the beginning is, or just having a mutual understanding that you want to have your own life and who knows if you just meet someone else!
but as long as he agrees i guess there no problem then
i would never be able to have an open relationship ever.
Honestly, an open relationship is really just throwing the door wide open for drama unless both of you and any people that either of you chooses to hook up with are extremely mature individuals. Being open and honest with each other and everyone else is not as easy as it may seem, but if it's what's going to make the two of you happy, then try it out. Another alternative is "Friends with Benefits" which is essentially the same thing minus trying to masquerade as a couple in certain situations.
I know that I could never do it. Besides not wanting to deal with any additional drama, I'm too much of a "I'm yours so you're mine" type of person in a relationship. I'm just a monogamist, through and through.
Um... this is the story of my life. Just try to understand what the other person is going through. These can get stressful if you don't do them right. just a warning. Good luck!
I'd never be able to do an Open Relationship. I figure in a lot of cases it can be a gateway to drama, but it all depends. I think being truthful with your SO is much better though. I hope he knows that you didn't say you wanted an Open Relationship so you could play with other people. :/ That'd be pretty bad.
yeah i prob. could never be able to have an open relationship. I would get way to jealous if I knew my "kind of bf" was being all flirty and sleeping with other girls.. but that's just me lol.
if your emotions can handle that, go for it, but I would never be able to do anything like that.
a significant other is just that - someone SIGNIFICANT, and more important than the rest!!
If you don't want to date anyone else, why not just commit to him? It certainly sounds like he'd be willing to give you your space, so just request it. It would hurt him to have him wear his heart on his sleeve, while you keep yours hidden.
i have a friend going through the same thing. his role in this scene is not you though; its the guy's. he agreed to her suggestion and sad to say, its not working out.
my sister had a friend who only saw her boyfriend on the weekends because of the distance. they were allowed to see other people during the week but the weekends were reserved just for them. each knew about the other's dates and sometimes would even tease each other about it in a friendly, "ha ha!" way. those weekend lovers are now married.
I don't see the point in it. If you don't fully want to be with one person, why be with them at all? That's just leading them on, in my opinion.
I do not understand that at all. I could never do that, even if I was madly in love. Well, maybe. It would kill me though. I'm all for commitment, and really don't see why people find it so hard. I guess open relationships are not for everyone.
What's the difference between that and dating until you find the right one?
That's just pretty stupid. Because in this way, you are just using whoever you are in an open relationship with as a safety net, or whoever you run to if your other dates don't work out. If one of the date you went on work out, then it's goodbye to that guy you're in the "relationship" with.
Yes?
You're an asshole. Stop using him to feel better about yourself and let him find someone who will appreciate him in an equal and honest way. In the meantime, whore it up so that you can get it out of your system.