Thursday, 15 January 2009
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Battle of the Sexes: COMMUNICATION!
This is a guest blog submitted by MeLoveYouL0ngTime.After some time in a relationship, arguments are bound to happen. And it's no secret that men and women go about arguing in completely different fashions. It's those same communication issues that can turn, "I'm not watching Sports Center again. Can we watch something else?" into, "You have absolutely no consideration of my feelings!"
Here are the top three most common communications issues that I've come across, along with some possible solutions for them (from a woman's perspective, of course
)1. She needs every conflict to be discussed and resolved. He thinks that resolving conflicts means getting her to put a sock in it.
Solution: Women, pick your battles. A minor annoyance doesn't need to be discussed if it may blow up into something bigger. Unless it's really important to you, try to let the little things go.
Men, try to understand that women (for the most part) need to talk about what's bothering them. And if you don't allow her to do that, she's going to stay angry until you do. Avoiding the conflict isn't going to make it go away, and even if she acts okay later, the unresolved issues will most likely turn into bottled up resentment that will (trust me) be poured onto you like rainfall over something completely irrelevant later. Even though it may be hard for you, try to discuss her feelings with her. Believe me, you won't be sorry.
2. She's angry and acts accordingly by dishing out the silent treatment and/or sarcastic comments. He asks her what's wrong. She says "nothing" repeatedly until he gives up - but then gets angry when he does. An argument begins!
Solution: Let's be honest, girls...we're all guilty of this one. Maybe it's because we don't want to discuss it just then, or maybe it's because we subconsciously want them to keep asking, but we do it. Sometimes we say that nothing is wrong when there is clearly something bothering us. And the only solution for that one is to be honest about our feelings.
We can't expect our boyfriends to be mind readers, and we can't really blame them if they give up after an hour of "nothing"s on our end. If you're seething about something and not ready to talk about it, just say so: "I'm kind of angry right now, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet." Or if you do want to talk about it, go ahead. He's asking you what's wrong, so you have all the right in the world to tell him exactly what that is. And if he happens to get offended, at least he can't accuse you of playing guilt/mind games or being dishonest.
3. She cries because the argument escalated terribly. He gets frustrated and walks away.
Solution: I hate this one. It makes the girl feel like her boyfriend doesn't care, and it makes the boyfriend seem incredibly insensitive.
Men, please don't walk away without an explanation. If you're truly flustered and need some time to yourself, at least say, "I'm sorry that you're crying, but I need some time to cool down right now. Can we talk about this later?" Believe me, that is a million times better than storming off in frustration. Because even if you feel better after storming off and cooling down, all you've done is give her more time to stew in her emotions, possibly complain about you to her best friend and made her feel like you don't care about her feelings. And if you thought she was angry and emotional before, that won't even compare to how angry she's going to be when you finally come back. So if you must walk away, do it a calm manner and let her know that it's not because you don't care about her.
Women, if they ask you for some time to cool down, give it to them. More often than not, they'll come back with more willingness to discuss the issue. And if the situation calls for it, maybe even an apology. But forcing them to talk it out for hours will only make things worse. And the truth is that the crying only gets to them for so long. Have you ever noticed that at the beginning of the relationship, when they first see you cry, they feel really bad? But then as the years go by, where they once felt compassion, they're now feeling frustration? I can't really put my finger on that one because I'm not a male (guys, feel free to leave your insight), but it seems like crying just gets old to them after a while.
So yes, men and women handle things differently. And in some cases, the roles may even be reversed. Either way, communication issues can be resolved with some good old fashioned compromise. As long as we can learn to respect each other's differences rather than try to change them, we can get through any dreaded argument with no (serious) harm done.
And when all is said and done, always remember the most important thing of all: it's not important to always be right, just understood.
What are some communication issues you've observed or experienced?
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- From: MeLoveYouL0ngTime
- About Me: I'm raw, uncensored, and not apologizing for it. So, if you find my posts inappropriate, then damn... that kind of sucks for you. =]
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Comments (42)
Good post.
Hmm...men tend to be really frustratingly cool in arguments. It makes you want to tear their heads off.
I do have a comment to add on the crying thing...sometimes I cry when I argue or when I get frustrated, and I hate that I do.
Just so everyone knows that the crying isn't always fake. :)
Very well-written post. In my past experiences, passive-aggressive arguments are so frustrating. You know that something's wrong and you try to find out, but the other person just says "it's nothing, dont worry". Obviously, there is something and they just sorta expect you know. If you don't, they get even more mad that you don't know. Urgh.
Very well typed. Props to you!
Good post. This is why crying ceases to be effective. The first few times we feel like total jerks for making you cry thus ending the argument to the females advantage. But guaranteed at least one of those times, if not more, the male was right. So eventually when the female starts crying, and we "know" we are right it just pisses us off. One cannot have a rational or even irrational conversation with someone who is balling their eyes out. Because we feel strongly that we are "right", it becomes extremely annoying that we are no longer able to state our case. Well, most of us aren't that stupid. It's like calling timeout in the middle of a war. It just helps both sides to reload their ammunition.
Good post!
oh man! today i kind of got into an argument with my boyfriend, and he told me to "just drop it" and i was so mad because i wanted to talk about why what he did upset me! (because it was a bigger issue than what actually happened)
so yes, this hit the nail right on the head. it fits my relationship perfectly. haha
this post just explained these past two days of my life :P
great post
ugh..i hate when guys walk away.
I've done the I'm-obviously-mad-but-won't-tell-you-why thing...mostly because it something I just need to get over and will eventually do so...but meanwhile, leave me alone, maybe hug me, but don't make me talk about it.
However, if it's something big that needs to be talked about, I bring it up. And my fiance is--judging from this post--surprisingly good at listening...and just kind of takes it in stride when I cry.
So I dunno...I try not to fall into these patterns, but sometimes I guess it just happens. I'm just lucky to have a fiance who will listen and discuss things with me with only moderate frustration and lots of hugs.
Yeah, he's a keeper. Meanwhile, I'm still working on my passive-aggressive issues
-Katie
My guy in general just cares more about other than himself... to the point that he'll be trying to help me with my incomprehensible homework rather than doing his own... And other stuff. I really feel like he doesn't love himself enough, and I feel like he can't truly love me if he doesn't appreciate himself first... We've talked about this quite a bit, but the answer is always the same on his part - "I don't need to love myself to love you." Meh.
@meriibunny@xanga - i agree with this... one time i was yelling at my bf and all he could do was agree but i just really wanted his opinion ---not for him to agree all the time! :/
@lilangle@xanga - Yeah...I know what you mean :\
It's awful when I finally manage to talk to him about something that's bothering me and he tells me I'm being silly, or to "get over it". It's really hard for me to open that line of communication-- I love my boyfriend, and it's tough for me to admit even to myself, much less other people, that something about him/our relationship is not perfect-- so to have gathered that courage and have my effort be totally in vain is really upsetting. The more times he does this, the less I want to talk to him about whatever's wrong next time, because I feel like it won't matter-- leading to the "nothing's wrong" behavior that guys find so annoying.
I know you guys might get tired of constantly talking to girls about their "feelings", but it really does cut down on the resentment if you just take the time to work it out with her, and there's less mind games involved if you support her when she tries to straight-up tell you what's wrong.
@meriibunny@xanga - I agree completely!!!!
I think you completely nailed it, at least in my experience.
I'm going to make my boyfriend read this. xD
Some of the major problems I've noticed with arguing have to deal with both people saying things they don't mean, usually hurtful things, that they automatically regret.
Over the years I've learned to just keep my mouth shut when I want to say something mean because no matter how right I am about the issue, saying something horrible will automatically make me wrong, bury the argument without solving it, and create even more issues.
LOL the nothing one is so true! a lot of the time it's my boyfriend's fault i'm annoyed, so i don't wanna make it too easy for him to figure out why i'm frustrated >:D he's got work for it if he's gonna be too dense/oblivious to realize why i'm mad. BTW, i'm not just male-bashing, he's waayy denser than the average guy...my male house mates will sometimes be cracking up at how dense my BF is T_T
Nice to hear a solution for both sides. It reminds me to always take a step back and look at myself first.
However, let's also not forget that there are times when either side can be totally irrational with malicious intent to do emotional harm. I think there comes a time when tough love and harsh truth cannot be broken to you gently.
i agree with what is written!
for number 2, i do that ALL THE TIME! i just.. fall silent and he would ask me whats wrong, i say nothing..
thats because i dont know what to say, i mean i can't even get my finger on what is wrong?
i just dont feel like talking?
but i do agree that there is not right or wrong, just compromise!
yup, I agree with most of what everyone says. Though for some things it seems to be reversed in my relationship. My girl in fact actually seems more nonchalant compared to me when it comes to arguments. haha
But in fact I want things to be resolved and she'd just brush it off. Funny isn't it? @.@
Haha I cry BECAUSE I'm frustrated. It's not to make him feel guilty or anything.
I agree with this. :)
Yup..i agree and im very much guilty for no. 2 with a lot of sheer stubborness on my part. Even now, yesterday i got upset over something small and it escalated in something more when i kept quiet and start thinking way too much to myself...its a bad habit that's hard to break tho. even if i wanted to talk about it, that stubborn side of me won't let me...until im cool down.