This is a guest blog submitted by miss_triathlete.
My boyfriend and I were going out for about a year, but we recently broke up because of differences in lifestyle - I'm a very active and ambitious person and he's much more laid back. The fact that he doesn't have a job and still lives with his mom was a pretty sticky issue for most of the time we were dating, and I was somewhat unsure of the relationship intermittently throughout the time we were dating. However, he is a very caring boyfriend and very mature in a relationship - he did special little things like staying up all night making origami roses to give me on Valentine's Day, or bringing me extra grated cheese from dinner preparations 'cause he knew I liked it. I was also impressed with his willingness to change things that annoyed me, like the fact that he never seemed to take an interest in my job - the next week he made a specific point in asking me about work and listened when I told him about it. My friends aren't really helpful because many of them think I can do better than him, but they only see the outside and not all the great things he does as a boyfriend.
When we broke up, he completely summarized my feelings and understood exactly what it was that was causing me to break up with him. He said he wanted to stay friends and I hung out with him at his place for about an hour, but I was too upset to stay too long and I needed to be on my own to figure out my feelings. I couldn't understand how he seemed so cool and calm - I was bawling my eyes out and he didn't even look surprised.
The problem is, I think I still love him and I'm very unsure about my future without him. I'm wondering if I made a huge mistake in breaking up with him and if we can somehow get back together.
Have you managed to get back together with an ex? Did it work out, and what did you do that made it work or not?
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Comments (41)
I think you need to sit down and think about the pros and cons and what you are willing to except in the relationship in respect to how he is. If you find you can live with him the way he is and accept that he is as laid back as he is. Maybe at some point his drive will change, but these are all things that only you know whether or not you can deal with on a daily basis. If you miss him that much maybe you both should sit down and talk. It will take compromise form both of you.
Man this kinda hurts for me, this happened with me and my (now) ex-girlfriend, although everything is the same. I'm not wroking because I'm in school and I still live with my family. And I really care for her dearly, and since we've broken up (and a lot more in the recent weeks), I've missed her terribly. Although we only dated for like 2 months, I've known her for years and I still see her on a regular basis, although it's never just the 2 of us except for this past Friday and I've been depressed ever since then. How do I go about apologizing and telling her that I want to be with her? I honestly feel like she can't be stand to be around me sometimes...
they're ex's for a reason.
he sounds like a nice guy - but you must have had reasons to dump him. your first response is usually right. in my experience - getting back together with ex-es doesn't work out. whatever the problems were are still there.
good luck!
@malissa1578@xanga - Agreed! Communication is the best.
He was probably also feeling upset, but I'm sure he didn't want to show it because he didn't want to just change your mind through his emotions. I'm sure if he had started crying or something as well, you would have immediately gotten back with him - which I'm sure he realized too. Plus, he knows why you broke up with him and it's indisputable that there are other guys in the world that are much more driven, so I guess he thought it made sense...
But you do have to consider how much you love this boy. Is him simply not being a bit more driven worth giving up on him completely? That's for you to decide.
I understand how you feel. Tell him that you want to be with him. Obviously, he understands you.
Well if you do get back together what was fix?. . . Did you work through the problem that made you break up in the first place? From the sounds of it you didnt because he didnt seem effect by the break up or he was but didnt show any ambition(the reason for the break-up in the first place) to want to get back together soooo it probably wont work out =\
Never listen to your friends, unless the guy is abusing you. Only you know what makes you happy. When the friends get in, a lot of times, things don't work out too well.
Talk to him. A guy wouldn't stay up all night making oragami roses if he didn't love you. Ask him what he plans to do with his life and maybe you can help him to move up. If he made an effort for you before, he may make one again.
The ex and I almost got back together. But I realized a lot of things about him and it didn't work out. But that's just him and I. Others do get back together for good.
I actually went through an almost identical situation, except we're younger.
i think our heads slash hearts get clouded though sometimes and we don't always make good decisions. so you need to think if you were happier with him than you've ever been without him. That's what i had to do - because he actually told me he still loved me after we broke up - and now we're back together incredilbly happy again.i hope everything works out =)Wow. I was in a similar situation but it was younger so we both lived at home still. I agree about finding all the pros and cons. Honestly if he is willing to do so much to please you, then you should stay with him and just help him with the other things like the job and living at home. Like being his motivation to do move forward in life <3 addy
@awokenfatality@xanga - I am still holding on the the hope that he will change and we can get back together, but I also realize that if he doesn't change then I would simply back in the situation I was before.
As a secondary question (and maybe more personal), is talking to him about it a good idea? I don't want to push him to change if he doesn't want to, but I also want him to know that the breakup was not a final solution and that I would still get back with him if he changes what was causing the problems.
i broke up with my boyfriend and dated another boy for a week. i was on drugs the whole time and soon realized i wanted my old boyfriend back. You know how someone's smell can attract you?...well i was craving my ex's smell and was getting my current b/f's smell instead i wanted to die. I broke up with my "new" b/f and got together with my ex. and even though i deeply hurt him( it wasnt mutual) he walked an hour in the cold to come to my house, and we fought a little and i was suicidal but that was in october and now i am so glad i am with him i want to get married to him and have children. so does he ^_^. we have been together for a year and 7 months. so yes get with your ex. i know the future is a daunting thing but you never know when he may get a job, and yea maybe he does live with his mom, but hell maybe he just wants to make sure he's ready. If he loved you and respected you like you say then he is worth at least sticking by to see where the relationship goes. and if it is meant to be then it will. :) good luck
Ive been in that situation and gotten back together with an ex but if the things that bother you aren't going to change your going to end up feeling the same way sooner or later. I know I did anyways. Having a nice kind and caring boyfriend is one thing but sometimes there are things you just cannot look past. I know that would drive me nuts. My boyfriend was insanely sweet but very jealous and same as yours, lacked ambition which is why I broke up with him. While we were apart for a short period he changed some things about his life but gradually floated back into them as we started getting closer again. I felt very bad when I did finally end it because I had given him a false sense that things were going to work out when really I hadn't found a solution at all. Your boyfriend may not of been upset because maybe he feels that you will eventually come back. I'm not sure on that part. I'd say to move on, unless he drastically changes and suddenly wants to conquer the moon your still going to be in the same spot. Good luck!
You know, I actually broke up with my ex 9months ago. We tried staying friends but it didn't work out. You shouldn't depend on him to make your life or future mean anything. How did you survive through the times you weren't with him? You think you still love him? or are you just baffled that he's not upset by you breaking up? If you loved him, then you wouldn't have broken up in the first place. If he was so willing to change, then why'd you break up? I'd say you did what you did because it was the right thing for you. You know better that there are plenty of opportunities if you just look. If his presence makes you uncomfortable, tell him that you would like some space, i'm sure he'll understand. LUX
ok, that laid back part of him is part of who he is and it will never change. so what part of him being laid back seemed to be the problem? i think you need to think about those things and see how you can change your perspective/feelings on that.. then it won't be much of an issue anymore. that's the only way to "fix" things... cuz u can't fix the guy but you can fix yourself. if that makes sense. of course, if it goes against your own self-identity so much then obviously you guys aren't meant to be together .
i've gotten back with my ex multiple times and it hasn't worked at all... and then we're back together now and i'm trying to change my own perspective and see if i'm still happy.. and so far so good. i still find many things that i would like to see changes in, but that'll just take time. i feel like it'd be easier for me to start over at this point... but... this challenge is too good to pass up haha
Question: How old are you and your ex?
Question: How long since you broke up?
Question: How long does he intend to remain unemployed & living with his mom?
I actually just went through the agony of breaking up, pondering if I made the right choice, and ultimately asking my ex to give us another chance. Amazingly, he has granted us that opportunity. I think you and I are similar in our ambition and what we want our futures to look like. What I learned in the six weeks between our break up and our reconciliation is that sometimes you have to be willing to look at your future from a slightly different angle.
Our breakup had a lot to do with differences in religion, politics, and personalities (he's much more laidback in everything except his job). But a good relationship isn't based on logic, it's based on compromise and emotions. My mom imparted this bit of wisdom on me. I ultimately chose to ask for another chance because my life seemed incomplete without him in it.
If you think you've made a mistake, I suggest you consult your emotions first and figure out why you broke up with him in the first place instead of encouraging him to get a job and such. This may just be part of the grieving process or it could be an indicator that things between you two aren't over yet. Only sufficient time and contemplation will help you figure out which it is.
Good luck!
If he knows the reason you're breaking off with him, and he's not doing anything to fix it, then he's not very interested in getting back together!
Plus, and TRUST me, if he was busy during the day working, he wouldn't be that sweet anymore.
You can't have both.
I think you should give it some time to see if you feel as intense about this as you do after a significant period away from him. If you do, then you should get back with him because you probably really liked him and can stand his laid-backness. But then again the time factor will say everything because sometimes he might not want to anymore and that is what happened to me. Then you would really just need to move on. Did you approach the issue of how he is so laid-back and if he can change that in some way? He should really try to take charge in that aspect of his life. I cant imagine having a future with a man who doesn't have a career and still lives with his mom. Even if he is great, this shows that he hasn't yet grown up and accepted his responsibilities. It is especially tough for those of us who are ambitious. I am sorry best of luck with everything.
If you think you made a mistake, think about it. And if you decide to get back with him, I'm sure the issues in the relationship could be fixed and be so much better. It seems like he's a genuine person who had already took the initiative to fix some of the little things that annoyed you when you brought it up. And if he and you are willing to make this relationship work, it could happen.
Sometimes people from outside the relationship don't know every little detail in the relationship and could assume that you're too good for him or he's too good for you but at the end, hey, it's your choice to be with him or not. Not everyone is going to agree with your decisions in life but you live your life; not them.
Do what you think is the best for you. Do you want to get back with him? Or do you want to move on and remain friends? If you guys are willing to get back together, I think he should get a job and try to move out at least. >_>;
I'm in a similar situation. I'm taking a break from him. If you believe you want someone who has similar interest as you (ambitious, active) rather than someone who is laid back, then you'll rethink these things if you guys get back together. You'll start to think about the very same things you wanted to break up with him for. Each guy has their own good quality. Maybe one day you'll find the active and ambitious guy who will also be thoughtful and considerate of your mood.
Questions you have to ask yourself:
How long have you thought about breaking up with him? the longer you have thought about this, that was probably the time you found out you just weren't that into him to begin with.
One day he will mature and find a job and move out. Do you think you can live with his current situation for awhile until he finds his way? You may also need to give him encouragement to find a job and save up.
it didnt work out for me. but if you both ever want to get back together, you should first address your problems that caused your breakup in the first place [such as him not having a job]
Lots of great long comments here. I'll add mine. I'm going to invoke 8 stages, stage 3 (environment) and stage 5 (similar expectations). What you need to decide is how poor you two score in those two areas. Environment includes friends, family, and money. But even more important than that, is that you have expectations that work with him. Even if those two stages are not good right now, as long as they are improving, then the relationship can be workable as long as everything else is strong. And I mean EVERYTHING else. Because while you are dissatisfied about those two stages, you can use the strength of your love and other things to continue the relationship as LONG as those two things are at least improving. The biggest problem with stage 5 is that while he may rise to your expectations, your expectations may also rise. If you find that he's not catching up, and might never catch up, it's time to move on. Love isn't enough to make a relationship (at least, not a long term BF/GF one) great. Talk to him and see how he feels, as always, communication is key. But really, it's probably going to be mostly you moderating your expectations for this relationship to work. You can push him to rise, but you have to also meet him halfway. Good luck.
i never go back out with an ex because they became your ex for a reason.
I'm not going to lie bc i was in ur former boytoy's position b4. and i just want to say... once u fcuk up. ur likely not gonna get him back unless u act fast. If the guy loved you back and you throw him out he's probably not gonna want a round two.
just my input. :P