This is a guest blog submitted by rockerchick.I've been dating this guy for two and a half months, and he's leaving for the Marines this Saturday. We've had a good relationship for the most part, but now that he's leaving, I don't know if our relationship is really strong enough to handle the separation (he'll be gone in training longer than we've been dating and also longer than we've even known each other). I don't know if I can actually completely commit to him or if we're really meant to be together or not. I know that if I decide to be with him, it will be really hard for me because he will be in active duty for at least four years. I really like him, but I just feel scared and nervous about what will happen while he's gone. What if our feelings change?
I kind of don't want to be completely exclusive with him right now because I kind of want to date other people too, and I don't want to break his heart if I start dating other guys. I know I'm probably being very selfish and that I should tell him and clear everything up before he leaves, but the other thing I wonder about is how much he really cares about me.
Sometimes I think that he really does love me, but then other times, I'm not so sure. When we're together, he does everything to show that he loves and cares about me a great deal. He'll kiss my hand and my forehead, stroke my hair, tell me he loves me, stare at me, etc. Yes, those are all physical, but I can tell he does love me by the way he shows it physically. I mean, he does other nice things for me, too.
But then when we're not together, I wonder how much he really does care. He never calls or texts me first, he never asks me to go out with him and doesn't seem to care if he sees me or not for days on end (I'm
always the one inviting him to do stuff and go out), he never does anything cute/sweet/romantic for me; he basically doesn't do anything for me while we're apart and seems to make no effort. Sometimes that makes me question how much he really cares. B ecause he's leaving for so long, I don't know if I feel secure enough that I'll still want to be with him after he gets back if I never hear from him.
I guess I just don't know what to do, because I don't really want to break things off with him. I think we might have a future together, but on the other hand, I'm also scared of what will happen to our relationship while he's gone. I just want to know that he really cares about me before I really seriously commit to him. So...I guess my question is, guys, how do you express your love to your SOs? Do you do a lot for your GFs to show your love for her when you guys are apart? If not, why don't you?
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Comments (37)
I first met my fiance (of course, he wasn't my fiance then...) just before he took a trip to Maine. He was going to see a friend of his, and was gone for a week, and I didn't hear from him (didn't expect to, really, given that we'd only had one date and weren't official.) However, prior to that, I jokingly told him to bring back a lobster for me. What does he do? He picks up a little stuffed lobster and brings it back. He thought about me. He remembered me. Even though we'd only been on one date, he thought enough of me to bring back even something so small and silly as a lobster...but it had meaning.
From then on, we've both been equal about asking each other to go out, or whatnot (of course, we've been living together for two 1/2 years, now, so there's no need to call or whatever) but my point is, there needs to be a showing from him that he actually wants to see you. There needs to be an equal give-and-take.
However, my question is this: have you talked to him about any of this? Because if not, don't expect things to change. I've done the whole boyfriend-never-calls thing. It was a similar situation to yours, actually, minus the military thing. I once went a month without seeing that particular boyfriend just because he seldom called and I was done making the effort at that point. But I didn't talk to him. And eventually I just burned out (it had nothing to do with his affection for me, btw...he loved me, he just never made the effort, and when he did, it was too late.) So talk to him seriously. Tell him your concerns. He's in a much better position to tell you his feelings than I am.
Good luck.
-Katie
I agree! You need to talk to your guy if you havent already, if you don't voice your concerns you can't expect him to know that its bothering you. maybe he doesn't want to seem so clingy? Or maybe he has been taking time apart from you to get used to being without you when he is away? Just a thought. But either way you should let him know how you feel.
But there's also something else.. you said you don't want to be exclusive and you want to date other people also. It kind of sounds like you want both? I have found that when you dont want an exclusive relationship with someone odds are you wont be happy if you go into that with him. Maybe you two could discuss an open relationship. You could be together and still sate other people? Idk how he feels about that kind of stuff, but again. It's just a thought.
Hmm...it really depends on his personality. Guys that are reserved have a different approach than guys that are more out going. Some guys know creative ways to show their feelings...And any guys would want his girl's affection
.
Communication is the key to anything long lasting. So like all the other comments posted you should definitely talk to him. Express your concerns fully, and perhaps he shares the exact sentiments. On another note, you don't seem like you really want to be with this guy. It's sounds like "Yea, I like him, but I'll get over it"...I could be wrong, of course:) Long distance relationships are difficult, but certainly not impossible to sustain, as long as both of you give it your "all." Good luck!
communication is key, sort things out:)
He's going to the Marines? Yeah, it's going to be tough and with him showing his "love" to you physically, but he doesn't take initiative to ask you out. That's a warning there already...
I respect the Marines -- but I'd say, go with your gut instinct. Do you want to be with a guy who shows you that he cares about you physically? Or would you want that on an emotional level too? If it were me, I'd want both. Two months isn't very long, so how do you know if it's love? Do you love him?
My sister dated a Marine. She was with him for a few months, then he went away to boot camp as well. She stayed with the guy for a year...and mind you, the guy end up staying for 6 months in boot camp because he tore a ligament or something. After they break up (and that he also forgot their one year anniversary), he marries some other chick that works for the Navy 3 months later.
So, good luck.
I don't really want to be mean - but - this is ridiculous. He's a marine - you like him, probably, at least in part because he's a very physical person. You're being unrealistic when you expect him to express himself in all these different ways that are contrary to his personality. You def. need to talk to him about it - but - would you suddenly turn into an entirely a-talkative type for him? Probably not. Don't expect him to suddenly change all the way to talking openly about his feelings - because he probably think's hes expressing himself by touching - especially when he's going into what is by far the most brutal branch of the service for some of the most brutal months of his life. Those are my honest (if a bit brutal) thoughtso n the subject.
Personally I don't think he loves you. I dated a guy like him for two years. His name is Ryan. He always had excuses for not being able to hang with me.
Talk to him about it. His feelings and what's going to happen after he leaves. If you don't want to break up with him, you can give it a chance. After time has passed, you can go back and ask yourself these questions. Like many has said, communication is the key.
@mstigerfrogs@xanga - Well, she didn't say that he gave her excuses not to hang out. Each person is different, he probably does love her.
maybe he is preparing you for him being gone. if you aren't sure now, save yourself (and him) the heartbreak. end it and get closure before he leaves. no man likes a 'dear john' letter.
its the same with me and a friend. when we are together, its amazing and they are very caring and loving and show a lot of interest. but when we arent together, they seem to hav no interest wutsoever. im always the one to txt, or call, or IM, or suggest we should hang out. its been like this for 2 years, and honestly, its not worth it. u gotta stop making all the effort, and see if he then puts in the effort. then u will see if he really cares. gotta make him realize wut he has by taking it away and see if he wants it back.
by going OUT of their way, even on a lazy day to do something for you even if its not at all what you were expecting. he tried. and that shows. guys dont go out of their way for too many girls, if any. plus they are the first to say the 3 magic words rather than the girl. if the guy only repeats it after the girl says it, its meaningless. guy says it first... then he means it.
first thoughts: you guys are still reallie early in the stages of dating and i think you are moving too fast.. it looks like you're starting to pursue him more than letting him pursue you. and that.. for a guy, takes the fun out of it and he doesn't stay interested. my advice is don't commit completely because he's not interested in you completely.
It seems like you dont have enough feeling and haven't been dating exxcusively long enough to make that type of commitment,
but im right there with you on the how he acts when you're apart, my so is the same way, even after 7 months...when we're together it's amazing but once we're apart it seems like Im not an important priority.
well, either you can trust your dude or break up.He'll be more heart broken to find out you've been creepin' while he was gone. Just make it clean and let him go if you're not ready to commit.
I met my husband when he was in the Marines. We dated for three years and that three years was long distant. In those three years, he went over deployment twice. I would only hear from him once a month or a couple of months during his deployments but he would e-mail when he got the chance. Other than that, when he wasn't on the deployments, he would call me every day and night just to talk and see how everything was going. Even though we communicate everyday, it was still hard. But eventually, we made it through.
Two months is still a bit too early to expect a commitment from one another. Those are the stages where you are still getting to know one another and are still in the "lovely dovely" phrase. If you are unsure how he feels about you, talk to him about it. Get his opinions and insights on things between the two of you. Don't make a decision on your own before talking to him and also, don't keep him on the side when you are 'unsure' of where things are going either. Communicate with one another because if you two are going to make this work, that's all you two basically got until he returns.
I've got a few friends in the military. He's going to need your support now more than ever and you can show him through letters and packages and such. It sounds like he's the kind of guy that will respond once he knows what is expected. Like, he'll write you a letter back if he gets one first.
Oh, and by the way, you can't decide ALONE where this relationship is going. You're going to need to screw up the courage to talk to him before he leaves. Ask him what he thinks about the relationship and what his expectations are while he's gone. Communication is key here.
Good luck!
i'd just call it off while he's gone. it may be selfish, but it's
better to be more confront with your feelings than have it build up
while he is gone, and waste time and feelings. maybe if you were more
secure and you two were together for much longer than just two
months... but yeah, i don't think you're gonna make it.
Doh... I may take some flak for this answer, but I think you need to date other people, but of course, be up front about it. Honestly, the length of your relationship and depth of your feelings is NOT enough to overcome the trials ahead. You will end up worrying and resenting him and feeling like you're being held back. Far better to be clear up front that for him to feel like you've abandoned him while he's been away. To be honest, it doesn't matter how much he might love you, because it's not enough. You should keep your life moving forward, and if in the end you're meant to be with him, you may find yourselves together again in the end. I'd hope that you two would stay in contact and be friends, because he'll need that, but to stay tied to him while he's away... it's just not a realistic situation. You'll hurt him a lot less if you're up front and honest now than to 'abandon' him while he's over in Iraq. Sorry.
As for how guys express their feelings, I'll leave that to everyone else. You could just read my blog to see my opinion. Good luck!
seems like hes not good enough for you
No one can say conclusively how he feels. I certainly would not take what you described to mean he doesn't love you. He might not be too eager to call you as we men are expected to be aloof. Perhaps your calling is how HE knows YOU care. Or it must just not be his style, questions of love aside. Personally I hate placing calls - it doesn't mean I don't want to see or talk to people, though.
If you have such feelings after only a couple months of dating, he might be a good guy for you to end up with. Talk to him about what's bothering you (as a fellow guy, I guarantee he hasn't magically realized it bothers you) and see what he has to say.
As for seeing other men, that's understandable. You'll resent him if you become exclusive and then he leaves you for considerable amonts of time. If you are upfront about it, he should be okay.
Ugh. My boyfriend's going to the marines too in a few years... But I'm not that scared about it, even though we've only been going out for little more than 3 months. I know I'll miss him like crazy, but we're so close already and I know he cares.
Your boyfriend on the other hand... Maybe he does care, but isn't good at expressing it. I had a long distance relationship with someone like that. He was in love with me much more than I was, we'd dated for nearly 6 months, and knew each other for seven years, but once I moved (halfway around the world) I hardly ever heard from him. It lasted for a few more months, then I realized that I talked to random people in my class more in one day than I had talked to him in the past 3 months. I also then realized that I didn't love him anymore than a good friend. I broke up with him by e-mail, as delicately as I could, cos neither of us could ever afford long-distance calls. I saw him again a year ago, and he still liked me (according to my friends), but his best friend hated me cos I broke his heart. I still feel horrible about it, mostly because we were friends for so long, but I had no other way to end it.
So yeah. If you bothered to read that ; p... Think about it long and hard. It's gonna be really painful for both of you, but more so if your feelings aren't equal heading into it. Maybe, if he isn't the defensive sort, have a heart-to-heart with him and tell him your worries; maybe even throw in a few subtle hints about you not feeling any effort from his side. Just remember (not trying to be negative here, just honest): if you change your mind later on... It may be excruciating for both parties... Hopefully if you decide to stay together, you'll last.Â
I have so much I could say, but I'll just keep it simple; it's the little things that count the most. Just be there for her, go out of the way for her, etc. That's key.
I'm dating a guy in the Marines now and he acts very similarly. Your guy is probably just in an odd mental place since he is leaving soon. Guys in the military are by nature more distant acting than other guys (there are exceptions, of course)--trust me, nearly every guy I know, including my dad, is in the military. Training is really hard on my guy, and he can't contact me much at all. When he's away from me I hardly hear from him, because he has so much else on his mind. Military men tend to compartmentalize their lives--there's you and then there's his job. He focuses on his job while he's working and then he focuses on you when he's with you.
What you should figure out isn't if he loves/wants to be with you, but if you want to be with him. I doubt he will change, and he could get more distant if he is stationed somewhere else or sent overseas. You sound like you may not be able to deal with his emotional distance.
Dating a guy in the military is hard--I've seen my boyfriend for three hours since August--but it can be done if you're up for it. He and I only dated for three weeks before he went to Iraq, and even though he was hardly able to contact me overseas (he only sent two emails in three months), he got in touch with me the second he got back. We've been together for six months, but this kind of relationship has to be something that you're sure you want before you get into it. Good luck, and if you want to talk/know more, feel free to contact me.
I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over a month now. I know I love him. I know he loves me, and the biggest reason if because we're both very honest about how we feel about each other (even when we're unsure of how the other feels beforehand). I'm not saying that this is the way it should be for you. I'm just suggesting that telling him how you feel will make him feel more secure in telling you how he feels.
Separations are very hard to endure. I will be going to France for two months this summer, will get to see him for two months after that (hopefully), and then he is off to Germany to fulfill his student-teaching commitments. It's hard. You just have to take things one step at a time and stop worrying so much about what's going to happen in the future. Sometimes, it just takes a little leap of faith. If it doesn't work out, it's okay. Maybe he's just not the right guy. Who knows, though? Maybe he is.
Good luck!