Miss Penguin The other night something amazing happened: I got over my ex. It was like a switch flipped in my brain and suddenly I didn't need to win him back anymore. I've never been very good at getting over people - I still sometimes get nostalgic about my first serious boyfriend (the nice guy) and can't help but wish we had a second chance and wonder what could've been - and we broke up over 3 years ago now.
Apparently, all I needed was a little closure. An apology. It was really that simple. My ex (the army guy) and I were talking - not even about our relationship, but about life in general - and he said, "I feel like over the past couple of years, I've become really selfish. Like everything I do is based purely on what I want or my career." He wasn't even thinking in the context of our relationship, but to hear him say what I had been trying to tell him for a while now was really liberating.
He asked me if I felt that I was also selfish, you know, like maybe it's just something people our age do, which I think is true to an extent. And I told him that yes, sometimes I am a little selfish and maybe too focused on my career.
But I didn't let him off the hook. I told him that I felt that was one of the main reasons our relationship went sour - every decision he made was based on "him" and not on "us" and he was so focused on where he was going in life that he didn't make any room for me in that picture.
Now, normally, my ex gets kind of defensive any time he feels I'm saying something negative about him. Like I said, I'd tried to have this conversation before, but it always ended up with the two of us going back and forth playing the blame game. I'm not saying I was the perfect girlfriend, but I was definitely more committed and I worked a lot harder for the relationship than he did. And, until now, he'd never actually admitted it. I even won that little argument once, but I didn't get much satisfaction from it. He gave no admission of guilt; he just dropped it and we never brought it up again.
But this time, something wonderful and surprising happened: he apologized. He didn't get defensive. He didn't point out everything I had ever done wrong. He didn't change the subject. He just said, "I'm sorry."
It really felt like this huge weight had been lifted and I hung up the phone feeling so much better. No longer did I need to win him back. No longer did I even want him back. No longer do his text messages tear at my heart strings. I finally had closure, and apparently that was all I needed. I guess that part of the reason I wanted him back was because I wanted him to make things right the second time around - for him to make me a priority in his life and for me to be a part of that picture. Apparently his apology accomplished the same thing.
And while I obviously still care about him, I think it will be much easier to be friends. Having no desire to win him back, I can focus on developing a friendship instead of focusing on keeping him as a friend purely so that there would be the possibility that we could be more someday again.
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Comments (30)
kudos on your escape from the RUT of being "will-win-him-over" stage. it's hard and easier to talk about it than to do it. Good on you!
Wow, that's wonderful. And come to think of it, I think that's what I'm still needing, too. I'm still looking for that closure and absolution. I need to hear him acknowledge what he failed to do in maintaining our relationship and what he did in the end that broke me to pieces.
It's great to hear, though, that you think you can be friends with your ex. I have a hard time letting people go completely, too.
I like your profile picture. It fits this entry so well. So liberating :)
Bravo. Though please, do be careful while you're being his friend--sometimes one just can help it, and they fall all over again and it hurts twice as much of course.
That's great :) Hopefully you won't end up like I did riding in a circle over the same emotions. I've had phases where I felt ready to forgive and forget, and then I'd turn around and get angry again. I'm over it for real this time, but it took longer than it should have to get there.
It's the toughest part. Once you're over that hill of not wanting them back, it makes everything so much easier. You're not analyzing and trying to catch him in little traps or manipulate (not that you do these things on purpose, it just kind of happens). I've been there. It's so much easier when every word doesn't seem to have a hidden code that you can twist to think you may win him back someday. You can just enjoy each other now. Friendship may even be possible. Just be careful not to open things that you've just gotten closure on. :)
Kudos for you~! ^^
@youngvan@xanga - those were my thoughts when I saw that picture as well!
Ah, it feels so good when you're finally over a very close ex. That happened to me a few months ago and now we're in the process of going back to being good friends, like we were before going out. So far so good.
Congrats! That's so good to here. I'm still working on that myself though I'm not sure what I need just yet...
sometimes all you need is closure / an explanation to help you move on
All the unanswered questions - are now answer
You now know and understand everything & now its its time to let go :)
that is wonderful, congratulations :)
i wish somebody i know would do that for me..
Closure is so rare in relationships. I'm glad you appreciate the gift you have and are taking advantage of it!
Good for you!
I totally understand! Nothing is better then that "AhHa!" moment when you realize that you are over your ex, it's like a weight is lifted from your shoulders, it's great. Mine came from closeure to. I hung out with my ex a few month after the breakup, and when I got home, a few days later I had that lightswitch moment- I don't love her! It was great.
i think i need closure too. 4 years is too long to still be hung up on an old flame but i'm scared that a confrontation will make things worse.
That is so great!
I wish my ex would do the same for me...
Your post is my life now but I didn't get that closure...
maybe one day
Thats awesome! glad you were finally able to move on, I know it took me a long ass time, but it was such a relief when it happened
I'm really glad you got the closure you were looking for. I think sometimes people in your previous situation end up in therapy because all they ever wanted to hear was an apology for what their ex put them through.
thats good to hear. i hope i have such closure too.
i'm happy for you :) i know what it feels like not to get the closure you need - and everytime, despite even possibly not speaking to the guy for months or even years - when they pop up back into your life again - just a simple message via IM or whatever - somehow, there is that pull at your heartstrings like you so aptly described. and you cant help but just fall into the hole again.
i hope one day i find the closure i need as well :)
Selfish?!! Look here, getting our careers right in this world is hard enough when concentrating all our time and energy into it on our own. Period!! Its not quick task like taking the car to the wash. WTF I'm think that there should be a sense of understanding in this regards. Get with the program, its not selfish, its realistic.
that's awesome :)
i think i almost had closure.. but then it wasn't reallie closure.. haha
congrads. As for being just friends, I hope that will work out without any emotional set backs. =)
Closures are good. :)
It helps settle some unwanted feelings and thoughts.
I'm so happy for you.
I wish I could get some "closure" or whatever it is that I need on my past relationship.
I don't think a simple explanation is going to work in my case, though. 'Cause he's already apologized and taken the blame for everything...
Anyway. Congratulations!
That's wonderful to hear ! My ex and i had a terrible break up (That was 6 months ago) & I still don't know if i'm 100% over him yet. I guess i'm still waiting for my closure as well.