Monday, 12 January 2009
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Hooking Up with a Cheater: Who's to Blame?
This is a guest blog submitted by msullan.
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and she was telling me a story about her ex-boyfriend. He had just come into town and she went out for dinner and a few drinks with him. One thing led to another and they were back at her place, right back to where they'd been a year before. As she was explaining this story, she was sad about something. I prodded a little, and she explained that she wasn't sad about seeing him or that anything had happened, but because he had a girlfriend and she knew about it.She started explaining further that she felt very guilty about it and didn't want anyone to get hurt because of her, and how she shouldn't have let anything happen. I started to think about this scenario a little bit and wondered if it was really her place to feel guilty for a person that she didn't even know. This was her ex-boyfriend's relationship and commitment, not hers, but she still felt guilty. But, on the other hand, there was the other girl, trusting blindly in her boyfriend, just to have him wake up in someone else's bed and come back to her that night. It seemed that I couldn't bring myself to tell her that she shouldn't feel that guilt.
When I asked her what he felt about the situation, she said that he felt no regret about anything they had done. He said he was glad to have seen her, that he would always care about her and that he felt good that it happened. But, he went back to his girlfriend and is still with her, with no intentions of ever telling her any of this. So if he doesn't feel guilty and nothing is going to change in their relationship, should she still feel bad about it? I know cheating is never the right thing to do, and the whole thing should never of happened, but at this point, what is she supposed to do?
When you know the person you are hooking up with is cheating, is it your responsibility to stop anything from happening? In a situation where you are with your ex-boyfriend and he is cheating on his new girlfriend, does that make it any more/less wrong?
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- From: pancakes@xanga
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Comments (65)
Of course she should feel guilty! It isn't as if she didn't know he was cheating, she is still morally wrong. Knowingly helping the cheater cheat makes your deed bad in my book. We all hate the devil because he is the enabler. In this scenario she is an enabler. It is something she should regret and not do again. Some people might argue that she is less of a bad person since the relationship doesn't mean anything to her but it should mean a lot to him and in this scenario the asshole doesn't even regret cheating so he is a bigger ass than ever. I hope his girlfriend dumps him because he doesnt seem to really care about her.
@SeitekiChibiNeko@xanga - " i won't be part of someone's betrayal of their SO because that's just fucked up >_< "
I agree! It doesn't matter if you're not the one with the SO. You're becoming a reason for the demise of someone else's relationship with their SO, and that's just wrong. The cheating becomes your problem, too, because you ARE the problem!
it's your friends fault partly for allowing him to use her (because yes, he is), and because she knows about the girlfriend.
She doesn't know the girl, but if i were her, i'd avoid the guy. He'd cheat on his current Girlfriend, what stops him from cheating on your friend?
And put yourself in the girlfriends shoes. . . you'd want that total stranger out there to respect you as a human being enough not to sleep with your man.
The dude is a sleazebag, obviously.
just my opinion.
@B1ANCACACA@xanga - Okay, I knew I'd draw some raised eyebrows with that comment. It wasn't really well thought out, was it. I'm going to kinda stand by it. Here's the thing. On the one hand, it's definitely not cool. Clearly it's not something one should be proud of (like that prick). Her fault is that she is an enabler. She enabled him to cheat on his SO. On the other hand, while that's not cool, some things, some things done in a moment aren't worth beating yourself up over. I hardly expect people to be perfect. Yes, she acted a little selfishly, but it was just that, a little selfish.
To look at it from another angle, she clearly has some feelings for this guy. What happened is an expression of those feelings. For it to continue, would be a deceitful enterprise. I do not find things so black and white that she should feel guilty over this. Yes, I would feel bad for causing unknown hurt (that could eventually become known) even to a stranger, but, ungh. BAH. Fine. She should feel guilty, but not THAT guilty. *grumble*
No it's the guys fault for being an un-trustworthy, sleazy, man-whore.
He is the one in the relationship, that girl has nothing to be ashamed of, unless she was in one likewise.
To answer the second question first, no. Cheating is wrong and finding technicalities (i.e. ex BF/GF) is basically drawing lines in the sand.
As for the first question, I would never hook up with someone who is already in a relationship. According to my beliefs, what she would be doing would be wrong, and I will not take any part in it.
:D
Yes. You know right from wrong, even if they don't. Allowing it to happen makes you just as guilty as the cheater.
Whoever is to blame, really depends.
There are the "enablers" who hang around and constantly look for an opening in their target's relationship where they and their partner have a fight, and then the enabler moves in, plays their cards, uses psychologically manipulative techniques and thus, has that person cheat on their partner, and then moves on to other victims. There are some people out there like that, who are into the whole conquest-thing. <_< In that situation, the "target" could just cut off contact with this "enabler", "seducer", "pimp", "alpha male/female", whatever, so it's both their faults.
And then there are the partners who are just unfaithful, and the person they cheat WITH, doesn't even KNOW that they just facilitated an infidelity or affair - I had a male friend whom hooked up with someone one night, and afterwards she told him "Okay, you'd better get out of here before my husband comes back" - he didn't even KNOW she had a husband because she didn't tell him beforehand.
People are just weird. You always have to be careful. Be careful everytime you choose someone whom you place your heart in the hands of, when you trust them to stay loyal, when you see that they have a "close friend" of the opposite sex and that friend seems to be their "go to" person, and talk. Make sure that their "go to" person isn't an ex, or former friend, and if they are, always communicate. And note the body language, any evasiveness, for any signs of lying, if the situation merits it.
When somebody cheats on you - be it their close friend or even a random hookup - IT DOESN'T MATTER whose fault it was. The bottom line: It hurts like a bitch to be cheated on, and it hurts like a bitch to find out that you facilitated a cheating.
@Just_call_me_the_underdog@xanga - Your comment on predators in your first paragraph hits home. I've had to deal with a woman who fits that very description. She's also become so intrusive, stalkerish and threatening that I've seriously considered filing a restraining order against her. And you're right... it hurts like a bitch to be cheated on. I think it'll take me a few years, at minimum, to completely come to terms with it.
The worst part is, the predatory woman thinks she's the victim and feels absolutely no remorse. In fact, she keeps pursuing the same situation because she knows how to make him feel insecure and yet wanting to come back for more (since that's all he knows from past relationships where he was emotionally abused like that). It makes everything so much more aggravating. So I'm here on the sidelines, knowing that I've been cheated on, and yet trying desperately to convince him he's deserving of a better woman than that Siren... that he's deserving of an honest, caring, devoted woman who doesn't manipulate him. He's to blame, too, but after finding out everything that has gone on, he is less guilty than she is, in my opinion.
My biggest problem is he's not following the advice you suggest (and that I did, as well) that he should just cut all ties. I guess that's difficult when you become addicted to abuse because of shitty past relationships that convinced you that sort of behavior is the norm.
@eclipse_the_dawn@xanga - Easier said then done. I'm not willing to lose a great friend over something so simple. I'm in the process of resolving things though. Hopefully everything works out.
@Sushi_pridE@xanga - haha, sorry to hear that. everyone makes me feel guilty about it, and I know I am partially to blame, but I'm happy. I sent him an email last night basically ending it. Just telling him how it's going to be, what I want if I could have it, everything. It's been a long time coming, I've just finally worked up the guts to do it!
it takes two to cheat, unless she didn't know he had a gf. but she did, so... they are equally at fault for letting it happen.
i've been in this exact scenario, except i was the trusting gf in the situation, and let me tell you... cheating is cheating, exes or not. it doesnt matter that you dated him in the past, SHE is the one dating him now, and that still makes you the other woman.
I think that your friend should feel guilty. No, she didn't do the cheating, since she is not the one in a relationship, but she knew that he was. I would never knowingly be the other woman. He is the one to blame, however. He is supposed to be committed to his girlfriend, but he cheated on her. It's all on his head. But your friend should not have done that either, since she knew he was taken.
Always remind them about their SO, and make sure it's okay.
Even then.... mistakes are still made.
I had a similar situation happen. I was the cheater. I felt bad about it every time i met up with this other person, but i couldnt stop myself because i fell in love with them. I think we both felt bad, me because i was cheating on my SO and him because i was feeling so crappy. I didnt expect for him to feel guilty because he didnt know my SO. I hate thinking back to that time because it was such a confusing time for me, battling the guilt and feeling at odds with my feelings, which were changing every day.
I think it's normal for your friend to feel guilty, mainly because she's a girl and perhaps still has feelings for this guy, who just disregarded his current relationship to get it on with her. He used both of them, and i think your friend realizes that. I think that this guy is really self-centered, and was probably raised in a way that allowed him to get away with a lot of things, so much so that he feels like he can do no wrong.
At any rate, your friend has to keep this guy at bay, seeing as how if he tries to have the same thing happen again, she will end up feeling bad and he will feel entitled to have both women.
I've been in the role your friend is in now. I didn't have any regrets because I was single. I didn't cheat. I also didn't hold a gun to the guy's head (or force him to drink one too many) and make him cheat on his girlfriend. Any repercussions from his actions will be his responsibility, not mine. The only catch is whether his girlfriend is slightly nutty and decides to blame your friend instead of him for cheating. But again, it's not your friend's concern. If he chooses to stay in the relationship that's his choice. If he chooses not to tell his girlfriend - that's his choice.
Of course, I might suggest to your friend that if she's feeling guilty about her part in this, then maybe she should refrain from engaging in that behavior again.
I did a lot of stupid things in high school, and one of them was often being "the other woman". I had a lot of guy friends in relationships who just couldn't keep it in their pants (no we weren't having sex, just using the phrase) and would often come to me. I was young, I was a flirt, and any excuse to make out with a cute guy was a good one in my mind. Also, I never initiated anything - it was always the guys. At that point in time I figured what are the chances of these silly high school relationships working out anyways, so I honestly didn't feel any guilt. I'd have to say if something like that happened to me today, I would probably feel like a bit of a life ruiner since relationships take any so much more meaning once you move into adulthood.
@StandUp2Life@xanga - haha this is weird!!! me too!! i told him that his girlfriend won't be too happy about it.. and that he should prove me that he lovers her deeply by stopping this unidentifiable relationship of ours! *HIGH FIVES with you* good job!
I hope that other gf finds out and drop kicks your friend.
Heartless ho.
Xo
@Sushi_pridE@xanga - Maybe we should have compared notes before sending out our letters. I told him that as much as I love out random, dysfunctional, completely inappropriate so called relationship, it can't go on like this, and he has to reconsider what he's doing.
How long has this been going on for you?
Both parties are GUILTY as can be.
She knew that he had a girlfriend but she was willing to cheat with him on her. If she had any morals or self control, she shouldn't have let it happened in the first place.
He's a jerkface and obviously, his morals are fucked up as well.
well, personally, i think i'd have to side with your friend. a cheater is stupid for trying to "seduce" other people into doing what pleases themselves. and that guy shouldn't deserve to have a girlfriend let alone a penis. [[lol]]. but really, they made those choices themselves and they have to live with them.
All I have to say is they were both wrong for their parts in the situation, but as for my words for her... Let go. Its neither here nor there anymore. It now lays in the past and its time to let the guilt go. He has no guilt for it and if he has feelings for her he should not be dating... its unfair to the person he is dating, but that is never the way it works.
If I were in her shoes (and I wouldn't allow myself to ever be in that position) I would feel guilty too. Regardless of whether or not he felt guilty she knew. It would be a different story if it happened and she found out later. I always try to put myself in that other person's shoes. I wouldn't want that to happen to me so I wouldn't help someone to do that to someone else. I think if someone did that then it would be hypocritical for them to get mad at another woman for helping her boyfriend do that to her. Karma could get you back.
I think feeling guilty would be a natural human emotion...even if she wasn't to blame.
Funny story. Something similar happened to me and I found out a bit later, ended things, they got together, n then he cheated on her with me. No remorse whatsoever on him cheating on her.