Monday, 12 January 2009
-
Hooking Up with a Cheater: Who's to Blame?
This is a guest blog submitted by msullan.
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and she was telling me a story about her ex-boyfriend. He had just come into town and she went out for dinner and a few drinks with him. One thing led to another and they were back at her place, right back to where they'd been a year before. As she was explaining this story, she was sad about something. I prodded a little, and she explained that she wasn't sad about seeing him or that anything had happened, but because he had a girlfriend and she knew about it.She started explaining further that she felt very guilty about it and didn't want anyone to get hurt because of her, and how she shouldn't have let anything happen. I started to think about this scenario a little bit and wondered if it was really her place to feel guilty for a person that she didn't even know. This was her ex-boyfriend's relationship and commitment, not hers, but she still felt guilty. But, on the other hand, there was the other girl, trusting blindly in her boyfriend, just to have him wake up in someone else's bed and come back to her that night. It seemed that I couldn't bring myself to tell her that she shouldn't feel that guilt.
When I asked her what he felt about the situation, she said that he felt no regret about anything they had done. He said he was glad to have seen her, that he would always care about her and that he felt good that it happened. But, he went back to his girlfriend and is still with her, with no intentions of ever telling her any of this. So if he doesn't feel guilty and nothing is going to change in their relationship, should she still feel bad about it? I know cheating is never the right thing to do, and the whole thing should never of happened, but at this point, what is she supposed to do?
When you know the person you are hooking up with is cheating, is it your responsibility to stop anything from happening? In a situation where you are with your ex-boyfriend and he is cheating on his new girlfriend, does that make it any more/less wrong?
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: pancakes@xanga
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 5 Views: 0 16107 Comments: 0 330 View all posts by pancakes@xanga
Comments (65)
Nope, it's not your fault they're a lying bastard. Just don't expect them to leave their SO for you - otherwise you'll be in that person's shoes!
That being said, I'd never cheat or help anyone cheat. There are pants you have access to, stay out of mine.
That dude is an asshole. She shouldn't feel guilty for anything she did - but now she should know that she shouldn't see that guy again, cause he's a butt.
If you feel no regret for doing something like that (this applies to both people in that situation), your moral compass is pretty fucked up. Learn how to empathize and stop thinking about yourself.
It would be the right thing to do to talk to the other girl so she has a good idea of what is going on in her relationship.
Dude, it's part of being a decent human being. It's natural that she feels guilty for having been responsible for this guy doing something that could completely break another person's heart. I'd imagine she's putting herself in the shoes of the other girl, who went along her day not being aware that her bf was out doing his thing and cheating on her. I'm not saying she has to intervene and try to tell his girlfriend what went down, but totally, I'd feel bad too. She's just having a heart and that feeling might linger for a while.
@HeartOfPandora@xanga - As always, a nice concise way of putting it!
I know it sounds lame, but I agree... it's not cheating if you're not the one cheating... and if it's just a hookup. A hookup is on his head, not yours. On the flip side, if you form a deceitful relationship, then that IS on your head. But a hookup is just a hookup. It sucks, but it's not her place to feel guilty nor inform the poor girl her boyfriend is a cheating prick. Ungh, this answer sucks, but I think that's the reality of the situation. That being said... I'd also like to think I wouldn't be a partner to someone cheating either, but then again... it could happen...
i think both parties are guilty. although the one in the relationship should say no, the one not should also say no that its wrong as well.
its not her fault she feels guilty. I think i would be as well. As a friend i wouldnt shame her or whatever. I would say its okay, shit happens. But its not just one persons fault. It takes two to tango.
@turn0ff_theshyness_820@xanga - Nicely said! Agreed.
I'm in a completely similar situation. It's not my ex- but a good friend of mine. He has a girlfriend, we've agreed to just be friends multiple times, but we always end up back in the same place. I know should stop him, but he is always the one initiating, and I've tried stopping him and talking about it - like i said, it always just starts again. I think I am partially guilty, but at the same time I'm not responsible for his actions. I actually told him that once, and he completely agreed. I'm still dealing with the situation...and hoping it all works out and we can stay friends in the end.
@StandUp2Life@xanga - If you really don't want this to happen, then why don't you just sever all ties you have with him? Gotta do SOMETHING about it, right? It certainly beats repeating the cycle over and over, ad infinitum.
@methodElevated@xanga - agreed. I can't believe you'd even think it's okay for her to not give a shit about it. She's THE OTHER WOMAN. You think thats okay just because he does? So beyond wrong. Especially when she knew what she was doing, wow. Sorry to sound cruel but it's people like them that turn ives upside down and even ruin them
It's still wrong no matter what. You may not have the responsibility to tell your ex's current boy/girlfriend what happened, but you have a responsibility to yourself. Whatever the case, you shouldn't even find yourself in a situation such as that to begin with. What do you expect will come from it anyway? Something good?
Look. I've been there.. with a guy who is taken.. and wants to hook up and its not fun. But YOU have to be the bigger person and realize sex.. or hooking up is a 2 way street. Yeah.. this guys an asshole.. but this friend of yours is just as much to blame. No SHE didn't cheat.. but she was the other girl. But in all fairness he's the bad guy not her. And its totally understandable that she feels guilty!
I personally feel that i am too good to be the other woman. Im the lead woman.. lol and no other girl is guest staring in my shit! Im sorry if that sounds self-centered. But i firmly believe that people need to realize there own self worth!
There is a reason that this guy is her ex!! She shouldn't have jumped into bed with him. But she did. And its over. So in all honesty? So what? It's over and hopefully she learned for next time.
I don't think it's necessarily her responsibility. He knows what he's doing, after all; and he feels no remorse for it. General morals say she should do her best to avoid the situation, to not let anything happen. Human nature says otherwise. Nevertheless, I wouldn't be with any of my exboyfriends like that at all.
ha ha ha... just have to laugh at this... because why is he going back to his current gf? OBVIOUSLY... they BELONG together!
She started explaining further that she felt very guilty about it and
didn't want anyone to get hurt because of her, and how she shouldn't
have let anything happen. I started to think about this scenario a
little bit and wondered if it was really her place to feel guilty for a
person that she didn't even know.
So what if she didn't know them? Just because you haven't met someone doesn't mean it's right or okay for you to ruin their life. I'm amazed that you're even for a minute confused about why she would feel guilty. She is guilty; not as guilty as the boyfriend (because he's the cheater), but guilty nonetheless. She knowingly facilitated cheating, she can't claim that he fooled her or that she wasn't aware of what was happening, and for that she deserves to feel guilty.
@ayceeeeeer@xanga - Right on!
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - Why is helping him cheat with a hookup okay but helping him have a cheating "relationship" is not okay? If you're having sex on more than one calendar day somehow that magically changes who's responsible? Tell me how that makes any sense.
@MiladyMasked@xanga -
LOL my thoughts exactly.
@MiladyMasked@xanga - agree :)
You can't do anything, really. I was in her situation once, except the guy was married. Makes it seem worse, huh?? Well, I know exactly how she feels. Guilty. Shame radiating thru her body when she thinks about/sees the person she cheated w/ and when she thinks about/sees the person he cheated on...
Once the deed is done, there is no going back. Regrets or not, there is nothing to be done. Life goes on--albeit not in the same way it once proceeded. Now I am very insecure, I am very distrustful of myself and of men in general...the consequences are not worth the pleasure, but as I've said a couple times already, there is nothing one can do to right this kind of wrong.
And it is unfair to blame one person over another for the action. It is equally wrong for both parties.
Know what, if you're are single and happen to be the other girl ..NATURALLY you don't feel responsible even though you know he has a gf. That's just being totally selfish. Both are wrong! Just pray hard that when you are attached that your bf doesn't meet up with an ex like yourself...and see if you're still cool about it.
No matter what the situation is, cheating is just wrong. Knowingly hooking up with someone who is cheating is wrong as well. Though it's not the fault of "the other woman" that a man cheats, it's still her fault for taking advantage of him and/or helping him commit that kind of act. There's no lesser wrong, to me--it takes two to have an affair, so two people are responsible, not just the person in the relationship.
@StandUp2Life@xanga - me too.. same boat!
just because he's your ex doesn't mean it's okay.
even if it does SEEM that it's okay.
remove all contacts from the guy if she truly does feel guilty about it. it's also her fault for letting him cheat with her.
i used to have this argument with a friend of mine who kept sleeping with married men (some with pregnant wives). she said it was their problem not hers, because she wasn't the one cheating, and if they weren't cheating with her, they'd just be sleeping with someone else, so why shouldn't she get some sex out of it?
i totally disagree personally... i won't be part of someone's betrayal of their SO because that's just fucked up >_<