This is a guest blog submitted by thistimeimperfect.I think this general topic has been brought up a dozen times already, but it's something that has me worried as I will soon be visiting the 'rents. I've been dating my BF for about three years now, and due to horribly backwards Asian culture, I have always played down the relationship for my parents. For the longest time in high school and even college, I didn't think they could even fathom my seriously dating anyone, so I carried on my relationship only briefly mentioning it to my parents when they asked.
"Are there any nice boys around in college?" my mom would pseudo-innocently pry.
"Umm...well, there is this guy that lives down the hall; we hang out a lot together," I would say.
Fast forward three years, with me graduated and working full-time, he's still finishing up school because of an academic hiccup in the past. I can tell my parents are getting increasingly concerned that I am still with him, and every time I call them, they push me a little farther. "Why didn't he graduate like all of your other friends? What does he want to do with his life? What you two have isn't really love," blah blah blah. After a few of those conversations, I get so angry with my mom I just want to scream.
I guess she's worried about a couple things in particular. My BF and I really grew into our relationship over the years, so it wasn't love at first sight or anything. However, we get along famously, so much so that it has been challenging to distinguish ourselves separately from the entity that our friends sometimes see us as. (It's gotten better now that we lead separate lives instead of sharing the same work/living space in college.)
But Mother really doesn't think growing into a relationship counts as love, nor does she view his slightly longer college career as anything except academic failure. Success - particularly work-related success - is like the holy-grail of Asian values. If you're aspiring to become anything but a lawyer, doctor or PhD, your net worth just took a nosedive in front of my parents.
I've dodged and fought my way with my parents on this issue before, but the battle is set and it's going to be rough... so dear Datingish community, any thoughts on how I can maneuver my way out of this hard place without raising hell over the dinner table? How can I tell my parents that what they value in a significant other isn't completely aligned in my book?
Comments (38)
I too, am Asian and know exactly how you feel. My mom actually succeeded in ending my last relationship, lol... There were other things that factored into it as well, but my mom certainly didnt help in saving it or anything. I do agree with JJ_Ames because sometimes when I have nothing to think about, I start thinking about stuff like that and have dissected it and I guess in the end, my mom was right. *grumble* lol
So I'd say think about it really hard and stuff.
I think if a few attempts at calmly talking things out,
and trying to show parents that what they beleive in doesn't necessarily mean that its what you believe in doesn't work,
I would just give up on trying to not raise hell because ts going to happen.
If it really becomes that big of an issue that you can't deal with,
then I'd really try to figure out which is more important,
your parents acceptance, or your boyfriend?
I'm in a similar situation but my boyfriend and I both think that he's not ready to meet my parents so I just avoid as much as I can even if it means I have to lie.
His parents reacted badly when they found out about us too and thought that I was too good for him. Since it was the oppposite situation, its much easier to settle.
but I know when I do get backed into that corner of making a choice between family and boyfriend, I'd pick boyfriend in a heartbeat.
maybe your parents and boyfriend should get together and have them see what a great guy he is?
Xo
ah, Asian parents are always a fun topic! =P
You said in one of your comments that your parents are hugely conservative and strict, which is good. It is possible that you could "sell" your relationship to your parents. To give them the benefit of the doubt, it would've been better if you had been more open with them about your relationship from the start, so that can kind of explain their concerned questions. They just want what's best for you.
But it's okay. Try starting now by mentioning your boyfriend's good qualities from time to time in conversation with your parents. You know the traditional asian values: family, ambition, respect for elders, intelligence, etc. Give little anecdotes about how proud of him you are now bc he has real direction in college, how he is very respectful towards women, how he takes care of his family, etc. This gives more information to your parents so they can form a clearer picture of the man that you love. Eventually, have your parents meet him (and give him tips to impress!) when you feel the time is right. Hopefully you can work this out! Good luck!
i kinda have the same problem!!! except my boy is a lot .. less successful. We`re in gr. 12, and he`s all.. hockey, and he doesnt have a chance of getting into university, at least not straight away. and he`s not looking into colleges too seriously. But my parents gave me the same lecture about it not being 'love'. They dont take it as seriously, since were still young, but before i used to downplay our relationship, as 'just for fun', and my mom started trying to manipulate me into breaking up with him, so i told her i loved him, and well they dont 'accept' him, but they can tell he's the most serious i've ever had. I dont know, it's only gotten better since i've started telling them how much i love him. I tend to bring him up in conversation a lot, and slowly, my parents are putting an effort in keeping him in the conversation :) so just ease it into your phone calls, and hopefully, by the time they meet, they'll understand a bit more.
Uhhh... definitely feel you on this one. I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half, and we're pretty serious about each other. The drawbacks that my mom sees?
1) He's in the military - never went to college
2) Mexican
3) Only stationed in my state until this upcoming September
and oh yeah...
4) We're having sex
Yeah, I'm about to be 22 and he's 23 but my parents, who are of the Filipino flavor, still treat me like I'm 8.
Honestly, I've talked to her about who I date countless of times since she's found out about my b/f and I (in the least flattering light). Asian parents are Asian parents. They'll never get it. They're too old and too traditional to view change as anything but a good thing. Just try to be respectful but firm with them. They won't change, but you won't change yourself either.
My mom isnt asian but she's very perceptive. So my boyfriend and have been together for 5 months now. It sounds like a little bit of time but we've spent as much time if not more time than some couples that have been together for a year. He's met my extended family and I've met his. Him and his brother are very close and so I pretty much see him and his brother and brother's fiancee. My mom will always do the typical hug and kiss before I leave if I'm at home but I'm usually at my dorm during the week and then home on weekends. Just a few days ago she pulled me aside and asked "How serious are you guys?" It interests her because I'm just now in college and he's 3 years older than me. Its so early so that its not like we're going to get married but I've spent all my time dating guys to see what I like and he has every single thing I like and more. I know that he is crazy about me cause he even said so. I dont think that you should give up on your relationship. I know its early but we do love each other and we're our own people yet we mesh together perfectly. Some of our friends have even called us Ying and Yang. I'm always sweet and smiling. He's more serious until there is a reason for him to smile... like me making him laugh. But he's pretty serious... except when it comes to video games. He's a dork like that, but I play them too. So hey love is love and your parents mean well. You'd be surprised how much the fear of losing you influences how they are. But dont let that control you. Be your own person <3 addy
I'm Russian and honestly we seem to have a similar problem. I handled mine in high school when I dated a guy my parents didn't approve of and they realized that they wouldn't really have a say, and if they loved me and wanted to be in my life then they would have to accept my choices.
It was a long and rocky path. My suggestion to you is to sit down and preface a talk with your parents with I want this to be mature. No yelling, no angry remark, let's treat each other with respect. Make sure to stand by that. Say that if they feel the urge to yell, they should just walk away and you'll talk again later.
Then tell them you really care about this person. That he is intelligent, kind, and etc... whatever qualities you look for in a guy. Explain that it's important to you that a guy treats you like.... and that your parents should understand that these qualities you've listed are what make a good man in your eyes, and you see your guy as a good man. Tell them that if they truly care about you and want what's best for you then they'd want a guy like him, who treats you well and makes you feel safe, loved and cared for.
Then ask them what their concern are. Try and think ahead and know what they are going to say. When they voice it say "So you're concerned that.... and I understand that. I believe that he will be/ is (succeed in his career or whatevet they say the problem is) because he is this and this and this and will overcome his late graduation. He will do great and I want to be there fore him." Cover every concern they have.
Talk to them calmly and in an adult way. At the end, tell them, I am an independent adult and while I care what you think, and you mean a lot to me, I hope you have enough faith in me to let me make this decision. You raised me to be smart and be able to make good decisions. You should believe in your work as parents and know that I will pick what's best for me. I'm coming to you because I want you to know how I feel, and care about you, but please give me the courtesy of letting me choose who I love.
Make sure not to yell, or whine, or tell them anything isn't fair. Don't use the word but when you're addressing their concerns, and always repeat what they said to you, to show that you absorbed it and aren't just arguing with them. This will make your argument far more convincing and may put them at ease about your maturity and ability to make this decision.
Good luck!
As a fellow Asian, I have to sympathize with you because my parents gave me hell four years ago too. I don't know if you're Viet, but if you are, you know that Viet parents are hell to live with if you're not dating a nice Viet boy who's a doctor, or who is going to be a doctor. Add catholicism into the mixture and what do you get? a HUGE mess. LOL. However, I'm lucky that my parents are the type who "act hard" at first because they're asian and judgemental, but who slowly see the good side if you stick to your guns.
At first, it used to be he's Thai? Thai people are not like us... he's a Christian, they're weird. He's already done with school? Just four years? Computers? Bah! Try getting a job in this economy. I wasn't even in love with him when my parents and I started arguing... just because I don't like them dictating my relationship life. However, now they see that he loves me adn I think that's all that matters to them.
I don't know which mold of Asian parents yours fit into, but I'm pretty sure that they're just worried about your happiness and well-being (that = financial stability to Asian parents). I say if you really love him, you should just ride it out until he graduates and is successful in his career. Then you can prove to them that he is every bit the man that you claim him to be. For now, you should just roll your eyes and think of your favorite song or movie every time you talk to your parents.
If, by the time your SO graduates and is successful, your parents still think he's not for you, well then, you guys are already financially stable, why not just get married? Its your life, not theirs. The worst they can do is boycott your wedding (my parents threatened to do that once when I was dating a white guy); but I highly doubt they can resist not going to your wedding (did I mention Asian parents also like to show off?) Good luck with everything! I'm sure it will work out for you!
i had this problem when i first started dating my current boyfriend. i never really shared the really important things about my relationship with my mom but often she would ask prying questions like "does he love you? does he talk about marraige? does he talk about kids? does he want to live with you?" and althought i know the answers to these questions i hate being gushy around my mom so i just shrugged it off. for a while she thought i was just messing around with him so often she would ask what i expected from the future and when i thought the relationship would end. as the (now almost three) years passed she got to know him better as he started arriving at my home more often, visiting for dinner and talking more to my parents. now he's grown on both of my parents and they often ask when he'll make another appearance.
it seems like parents often are very critical of their childrens' significant others, but once they get to know them and take the time to "assess" their "worth" (i know it sounds awful but that's how it seems to be) then they start to appreciate the decisions their children have made, especially when they see how happy they are.
at least that's my experience...
I know it's hard. I have the smae with my parents. They think he isn't good enoug for me. My mom even asked me to break up with him a couple of times! I didn't do it but I just know they're counting time. But here's the deel. If you like him don't break up with him because yu're parents tell you so. Sit them down and talk to them. Tell them how much you like him and invite him over so they can talk to him and see that he isn't taht bad at all..
Explain in a nice, respectful manner that what you want isn't what they want. That it's your life and though you love and respect them you must live it in your own way.
Honestly i'm in this situation right now only im the guy everyone hates including the parents. It's tough and completely unfair..