Dr. DatingishI'm 18. I having been seeing my boyfriend for five years now. We had a load of problems until about a year ago, including his not being ready for commitment (but promising me the world), his being aloof, attempting to cheat and not having any time for me. I always felt we were worth the work, that we had so much potential and that he just needed time. At one point, we broke up and lost all contact.
By chance, we met and again he promised me everything, begging to have me back. However, things soon reverted to how they were. Yet I kept holding on to what we could be, and put up with him. It felt like the few good times we had were worth the bad.
Finally, he's treating me right. But now, I feel so worn down by our problems (not to mention bitter and cynical) that I have little enthusiasm for the relationship. I just don't know what to do. On top of all this, a part of me regrets getting into such a heavy relationship so young. I feel a little suffocated, like my life is already planned out for me. I wish I had met him now and that I hadn't been such a doormat in our relationship.
I don't know whether to just end it, for both our sakes, or just to pull myself together and look to the future instead of dwelling on the past (easier said than done). I know I love him, that he will treat me well, and finally live up to everything he promised. Yet, I just feel so broken down sometimes by our past. I don't want to mess him around, but I'm so confused. Please help.
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Comments (36)
Why live in the past when you have the opportunity for such a beautiful future? Don't forget the past either, though, simply acknowledge that those things happened and go on with your life. If things work out it'll be for the best; if they don't then give him up - he's not the only man for you in the world.
In order for you to have a healthy relationship with him, you need to forgive him and stop holding a grudge towards him from what he had done to you in the past. I know it's not easy and I have my share of it. But if you want to continue to have a relationship with him (a healthy and happy one that is), you need to look beyond the past and focus what's there for you in the present and the future to come. If you keep on looking back at the past, fact is, that's going to be an obstacle in the relationship. But if you really can't look past the past, move on and start fresh. Be honest with yourself.
if its this much drama then its probably not worth it. a good, solid relationship is drama free because you two can communicate freely.
maybe you should take a break. if you feel jaded then its probably not the right relationship for you. also remember, you two may make plans now but just remember nothing is set in stone...ever.
u r 18. and u r talking abt commitments...r u kidding me?
(dont u sometimes feel bored with only one man for so many years at such a young age)
I say give him a second chance. Be open to his love if he's willing to truly give it this time. However, if after a few months he tries to revert back to his old ways and seems not to have changed at all, dump him for good and get him out of your life. He does deserve a second chance to do good, but you definitely don't deserve a second chance to be abused.
Are you happy with him? If you love him as much as you say you do, and if he's treating you right, and you're happy, I don't see why you can't continue this with him. However, if you find that you're not ready to commit in this relationship anymore and you're no longer happy then I think you should end it. You're still young so you have many opportunities to find love again if you're not satisfied with this one. But if your problem with him is your fear of the past repeating itself then you should really try to let it go because it's the past for a reason. It would really be unfair to him if you keep judging him from his past mistakes. Don't look back, just live in this moment. Good luck! :]
I think you should tell him how you feel. Tell him how your experiences with him worn you down. Then ask for a break. I think you are in need of some "me" time. Maybe even go out and explore your options. You're too young to be so committed into a relationship. I'm assuming he's probably done some dating while you were broken up right? Once you go out and date other people you might appreciate him more. Of course there's no guarantee he's going to wait for you.
Just talk to him. Come up with a solution together.
Life is too short to settle.Â
I think it's time to check out some of the other fish in the sea. Listen to your intuition. If you're already feeling suffocated, you're not going to make it better by staying with him.
Five yeras? holy fucking shit.
@loveology - I settled 3 years. And being single for a year so far& still having guys on my damn jock, hm..IT'S FUCKING FUN!
Say girl..18 - lol, it's supposed to be OUT AND WILD. HAVE FUN!
@jeezshoua@xanga - urr gorgeous lol
Hmm, not much time to write, but I encourage dating before committing. Especially if you're not very very very satisfied. Those feelings will absolutely get worse. It's what caused the demise of my 7 year relationship (we even got engaged). You're very very young, and if you want to find out what else is out there, I'd encourage it. That and your relationship can definitely use some work. I'd take the opportunity to move on.
Well, there's two options: Forget the past and start anew with him, or don't forget the past and break up with him.
I don't know what it is with this thing about girls caving in when their boyfriends want them back after being total jerks, nor do I get why guys act like such jerks in the first place to their girlfriends...but if you forgive him and take him back, you have to take your insecurities and bitterness and throw them out the window. It would most likely require you to talk to your boyfriend, and not us, about it. Don't pretend like everything's cool with him when it's not. Just be honest about your feelings.
life is too short to dwell on the past...think about it !!!!!!
I swear I've spoken these exact words before.
There is no right answer. Its a path to choose, and you get the choice. There's logic, there's emotion. Battle it, weigh it, ask what means most to you, what its worth, and follow your heart.
You don't love him. Leave him.
*mutters under his breath* This is the shit I was talking about. Fucking kids.
You shouldn't date anyone you meet at thirteen for that long. I was an idiot at thirteen, I mean, I know everyone changes over time, but that's such a critical shift. That's like if I had to listen to Blink 182 every day for the rest of my life *shudder*.
i think you need a break from life. or maybe just love life. btu that might cause probs. like all of a sudden say i need a break. and he's all happy. yeahh
Go for it. People grow and mature. Assholes sometimes have an epiphany..
If he is willing to change you should give him another chance..its weird because this is what u wanted but now that u got it u want to run away from him, make up your mind maybe you are confused, maybe u should be single and figure yourself out and what you want..i mean you are really young and u started off young and u havent had the chance to even figure out what u want from a man. you deffinitly have alot to think about.
I say give him another try tho ;)
You have one of two choices you can make: You can either choose to
forgive him for what happened in the past, or you can continue down
this destructive cycle of bitterness and cynicism and break up with
him. I know what he did was hurtful. I've been through this with a
friend of mine and I learned this lesson the hard and very painful way.
If you're going to continue to progress with this relationship, you
have to first forgive him even if only to yourself and stop dwelling on
the past. That does not mean you forget it for it's practically
impossible, but you do not let the past control your present and
future. You are in control of
what is now and what is later, not your past. Don't let your past
influence your present, and by this I mean your actions.
Although, something about this doesn't sit right with me, and I could not live with myself knowing I kept it to myself. I may be the only one
who feels this way, but I don't want to lie. I acknowledge that people aren't perfect and
that maybe he really has changed, but him having attempted to cheat on
you, not be ready for commitment, being aloof with you, and having no
time for you set off red flags in my head. From all the responses I've
read so far, I'm beginning to think I'm the only one who feels this
way. I don't think I need to go into detail about why these gave me red
flags.
BUT! Perhaps, I am completely mistaken. I don't know him to be able to make an approximate assessment at best, but I get some notion deep down that maybe he has changed; that maybe he has seen the light and has truly changed. For every negative there is a positive; there's a flip side to everything (or just about). Maybe it's just my sentimental side or some sort of divine intervention nudging me to have faith. But whatever you do, don't become jaded about love. Even if he turns out not to be the one for you it's not the end of the world. The end of the world is predicted in almost every culture, if not every, to be much worse than a failed love relationship. If he isn't the one, be confident that you will find someone who will be!
I know its easy to say this, but, indeed men who u love more than they love u are hard to have in ur life. Whats impt is u must ask yourself why u want this in your life. Is it cos of pride, or cos of time? If it is pride then i say let it go, if its cos time, i also say let it go. Most importantly, you must be true to yourself.
The sad thing is, I'm dating quite a bit and the more I date, the more jaded I believe I become... and I'm only twenty two! If you believe that he's the one, take the risk. If you don't then don't go for it and go for something else!
Life is way to short to be settling!Â
I would know!
But, I'm still learning too.
give him a chance.... from the looks of it you don't sound too into him anymore :P maybe you need a break and start seeing other people or just talk to him.. OR you can do something exciting together that you both enjoy, can't think of anything you both enjoy?... that's a pretty bad relationship you got going there...
Okay for once I may actually be of some help with some of this. I too am 18 years old and I have been in a relationship for a little over three years. So, I know exactly how you feel with the whole "trapped" thing. Sometimes, I wonder if I am missing out on something by not dating a whole bunch of guys and not experiencing college as a single girl. I feel like our parents expect us to get married and that if I love him, then what other option is there? Sometimes I think that we should have the chance to date other people, but what if he meets someone else and I don't, or vice versa? Or, if we are in such a great relationship, why do we need to bother with other people?
At the end of the day though, it all comes down to the fact that I love him, and I know that he loves me. And I was able to realize this without dating other people, so why should I have to date other people to validate my feelings for him? I feel for you, because I too experience the "planned out life" thing like you do. But I love him and I am happy with him, and as long as things are going great with us, I am not going to ruin it by thinking about the what-ifs or could-bes.
That being said, if you love him and he loves you, then put the past behind you (it will take some effort, but it will be worth it). And concentrate on a great future together.