This is a guest blog submitted by eye_breathe_ewe.
What is appropriate ex-girlfriend behavior? Isn't there some unwritten rule about how one should act around her ex and the new beau?
Dan is my first boyfriend, so having to deal with an ex is a whole new experience for me (I have dated before, but nothing "official"). For example, I dated this guy named Greg when I was eighteen (he was 26). Things fell apart because I just didn't spend enough time with him - I was more concerned about my Naval career and my friends.
Greg and I are still "friends" - that is, we both have Facebook accounts and talk to each over that, but not often. Occasionally, he'll send me a Facebook message or post a picture comment, all of which are completely innocent. We no longer call each other, text or speak over AIM. It's not that we couldn't if we wanted to, we just don't think that is appropriate behavior. I like what I have with Greg, and I think that my boyfriend now can appreciate this.
My problem is with my boyfriend's exes.
Let's call them "
A," "
M" and "
J".
A: While she and Dan may have never officially dated (details are fuzzy), there was definitely something there between the two of them. However, they decided to be friends. Unfortunately, A still had feelings for Dan. One night, Dan's friends hosted a Rock Band party that I was also invited to, but I was at work for most of the event. While I was working, Dan got obliteratingly drunk, and A took advantage of this. She took him into a bedroom upstairs and kissed him. According to her and friends of hers, he kissed back. He says he didn't. I'm just lucky that it didn't go any further than the kiss! But the problem doesn't end there. While Dan was sick and drunk, he called ex-girlfriend M to come pick him up. She ended up knowing about the kiss before I did. She, however, did not pick him up, and it became my job to take care of him. And even though this horrible night occured, Dan still doesn't see the problem with talking to/hanging out with A. He says I should just "trust" him. M: Dan and M were friends before I came into the picture, and I was pretty sure that the two of them were over each other (and they are). But some of Dan's behavior is rather suspicious when it comes to M. For instance, the first time Dan and I had sex, he immediately texted M. I don't even know how to respond to that! His text was something along the lines of "I finally had sex. I'm no longer a virgin".
Who would text his or her ex about having sex? That's just bizarre to me. There was also an incident when I was out of town for a weekend. He didn't tell me he was going to hang out with her until he was already with her, completely drunk. And it wasn't just "hey, I forgot to tell you I'm hanging out with my ex tonight"...It was "hey, I think you should get me and my ex some pot to smoke." This obviously pissed me off, and I let him know that!
J: This ex is by far the MOST irritating of them all. This is the only ex he has ever said "I love you" to. She broke his heart after nine months of dating. It was because of J that Dan and M broke up. He had so much trouble getting over her and it was very apparent when he showed me his online journal that was littered with J blah blah blah heartbreak blah blah blah.
J and Dan were NOT friends before I came around. In fact, Dan was pretty sure J hated him, yet he kept trying to talk to her. They finally started talking again in May, around the time Dan and I started to fall apart as a couple (he told me that he really didn't love me after he said that he did). It took me a while to get over their being friends now, but I eventually did. However, I have trouble understanding J's behavior.
Over Halloween, I was at Dan's apartment and J called right when we were walking out of the door to go to some party. He sat down to take the call and J was drunk. A drunken call from an ex? That can't be appropriate ex behavior. Recently, I saw her posting Photoshopped pictures of my boyfriend on Facebook. Why? What is the purpose of having your ex all over your Facebook when he is clearly seeing someone else? So, I am left with two questions:
1. Why can't all exes be like me and Greg? Friendly but distant.
2. Should I be concerned with Dan's and his exes' behavior, or am I just being irrational?
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Comments (80)
I suppose it's best not to have the exes in the picture because of the initial feeling that you had before. It really depends on Dan's personality and your feelings toward it to make the call for that. If it's something that bothers you, then there is an issue...until it's resolved, i suppose.
Okay what the hell. Yea, your boyfriend is definitely not having appropriate relationships with his exes.
With A, you should have lost some trust in Dan after they've already broke your trust by kissing each other (even if he was drunk), especially since he seems okay with the fact A is still attracted to him and that he still occasionally hangs out with her despite that fact. Quite a few red flags with this one.
When I read M story, it really made Dan seem like a douche. Of course you don't message an ex after you first have sex with someone else, much less immediately right after! Makes me wonder what his reason was for texting M (To prove something? To make her jealous? Not sure). The hanging out part while you were out of town is yet another red flag you should probably look into.
Finally with J, it seems Dan's relationship with her is the most okay of the bunch (from what I've read). Not much he can do about his ex giving him a drunken call, but I would be concern with the fact J puts up photoshopped pics with Dan. That's just odd.
Overall, I think no one would blame you for being concern with his relationships with his exes. Something is definitely not right. I think you should confront him about these problems. Don't be naive and ignore all of this for too much longer.
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - I agree. this sounds like a soap opera, and it would take me too long to explain how little she should trust him. so i will lazily second your comment
truthfully, if a man kissed his ex, no matter if he was drunk or not, he would be forgotten history. if you stay with this man he will only think he can do it again. it may be hard and it may hurt for a while but you deserve better; if you know you wouldn't do that to him, don't accept it from him.
Um, that definitely crosses the line.
If he kissed someone else while you were together, THAT IS CHEATING. If he wants to stay with you, he should make EVERY effort possible to never communicate with her again.
Firstly, guys arent always worth being friends with, depending on how they handle the break up in the relationship.
secondly, you definately can not blame yourself about Dan's behaviour. He tells you to trust him, but by the look of it he doesn't seem to make the effort to prove that he could be trusted. Honestly i would have ended the relationship long ago if i had found out about the while kissing thing.
But that only applies to me, usually girls become stubborn when it comes to love, relationships and guys.
Like the saying ' dont make some one a priority, if they only make you an option.'
The relationship that you have with your ex is completely appropriate. No flirting, just some friendly chatting and that's it. However, Dan and his relationship with his exes is not. You have no reason to think that you are being irrational. If I was in your situation, I would be too. Now, I do not know Dan personally, but this is inappropriate behavior for anyone. It has been in my experience and many of my friends that when an ex comes back into the picture, there may be some old feelings that may be arising. Now, don't hound him, but pay attention to the signs.
One thing that really caught my attention while reading your entry was how he texted "M" right after you two had sex. Obviously, you having sex with Dan was very special to you. However, him texting "M" right after that shows that it wasn't as special to him then it was to you. There is no reason to be telling "M" about that. What you two do behind closed doors is y'alls bussniess.
Being friends with an ex is very tricky. You should sit him down and explain your issues with him. Also, he needs to varify with his exes that he is no longer with them and in a realtionship with you.
they are hardly even "exes", from what i read, he's still in a relationship with them. i'd get out of this one if i was you.
@YouTOme@xanga - "if you stay with this man he will only think he can do it again."
Ah, forgot to mention that as well. Very true, you will set a precedent for him if you don't do anything about it.
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - well, at least you realize these things. lol.
"And it wasn't just "hey, I forgot to tell you I'm hanging out with my ex tonight"...It was 'hey, I think you should get me and my ex some pot to smoke.'"
Yea, I don't know if that recalled dialogue is exactly what was said, but at that point: "bye bye"
Also he was pretty blatantly obvious about his previous ex's, showing you some of the stuff he thought about one of them... if he isn't over the past girls, not worth it to try and fix him.
So what is appropriate Ex behaviour? Who knows... but probably not so physical, while he's in a relationship.
Friendly but distant could mean anything. I would think it is a strained and fake-cordial politeness - Turning a blind eye.
Are you serious? This guy treats you like shit! He kissed his ex, he told you he didn't love you, rubs his exes in your face, and lies to you. I see no redeeming qualities in this situation and if you're a smart woman you'll leave before he makes a fool of you anymore.
@oO_km_Oo@xanga - AGREED!
Not only should you be concerned with your boyfriend's relationships with his exes, you should also be concerned with his behavior in general. Major red flags:
1) He said he loved you. Then he took it back.
2) He got "obliteratingly drunk" in the presence of an ex, who took advantage of his idiocy and then he cheated on you.
3) After this event, he continues to spend time with the ex he cheated with.
4) Then he got "completely drunk" again while hanging out with another ex despite the fact that this behavior previously led to infidelity.
5) As juvenile as it would be, he could have texted a male friend of his to talk about "scoring" with you or not being a virgin anymore. Instead, the first person on his mind was another woman. Sex with you makes him think of her? Problem.
6) He tried his hardest to stay in contact with an ex even though he thought she hated him, which is not a sign that he is over her.
7) He completely disrespected you with the pot thing.
8) The pictures on facebook--not a good sign.
9) The online journal entries--not a good sign.
I think you have a bigger problem than just his exes.
1) Some people don't establish healthy boundaries with others, either because they never learned how to or don't want to.
2) I think you should be concerned about Dan's behavior in general, and whether or not you're willing to deal with it in the long term.
@MaddiGoLightly@xanga - Listen to this girl!
It might hurt to leave him and to think that maybe he didn't care for you as much as you cared for him. At first. But this will definitely change. Once you meet a new, better guy, you will completely forget about Dan and how much of an asshole he is. And that, I think, is something you really need to do before you get even more hurt and abused.
Either have a chat with him about respecting you or dump his ass. Whether or not he's an amazing guy the rest of the time, it seems like there are situations (such as when he's drunk or someone else is drunk) that he prefers his exes over you. That should honestly never be the case, regardless of how many unresolved issues there might be between your boyfriend and his exes - he is with you and you should be his focus in terms of respect and caring.
There's a bunch of good points in the comments above me, and you'd do well to read them all and take them into thoughtful consideration. If this type of behavior continues, he's really not worth the effort. It's most likely only going to lead to your broken heart.
That's most definitely NOT healthy relationships with his "exes", if they could be called even that; they sound pretty friendly to me. That, and A sets off my crazy-bitch alarm.
And with my best exes, I have the same relationship you do--friendly, but distant. Some people I try flat out forget that I dated, so those are more on the "completely ignore their existence" side of things.
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - Well said!
However, I want to disagree with Dan & J's relationship being the most okay of the group. I understand there isn't much he can do about his ex calling him but he has a choice to not pick up the phone. Him picking up the phone shows that he still cares but that's inappropriate when he has a new girlfriend. The situation will get sticky. He should let someone else pick up J's calls.. The fact that she "broke" Dan's heart & Dan still reached out to her [perhaps he's trying to be a bigger person -- I'll give him that though I doubt it 'cause he was so into her] & now all of a sudden they're talking & she's posting all these old photos of him on facebook.. that should be a red flag in itself. [That's presuming these are nice photos of him & not photos that were photoshopped with him having a third eye or a grotesque wart.]
If I were you, I'd express my concerns with Dan & perhaps if he still doesn't get it, walk away. It seems it's difficult for you to trust him & it also seems Dan's not being fair to you. I don't think Dan's ready to commit, especially with all that baggage. I wouldn't be wasting my time on a guy who doesn't get my frustrations over these issues.. It's not worth getting YOUR heart broken. It's not easy considering he's your first everything [I'm assuming] but it's worth it in the end. Good luck~
@musinuite@xanga - haha. I agree! A sets off mine as well. If I were in that situation, I'd be ready to hunt her down & b____ slap her. =X
I don't know, he sounds like a horrible bf! I wouldn't be able to deal with any of those things. I would never forgive him for kissing another girl. I can forgive lots of stuff but somehow cheating is one of the worst things anyone can do. I understand him being drunk and all but then why say he will still hang out with this woman? Second, if he can't behave when he gets drunk, then don't get drunk.
Um, wit my exes I just cut them off completely cause its way easier and simplifies things.
yes be concerned. this guy sounds a bit sleazy. If he broke up with one for another...what's to say taht he wont do the same with you? tell him to get serious or get out
oh..my...god.
that would drive me crazy if my boyfriend was like that with ex's.
i think for the most part, ex's should stay in the past and just remain friendly but a little distant.
having that sort of friendship with his ex's is sooo inappropriate...:(
he shouldn't have kissed the first one, it's kinda cool that he texted the second one, and he shouldn't be talking to the third one since he obviously is still in love with her. You should seriously leave this guy, it doesn't seem like he's all the into you. And by the way, the only ex I'm friends with has tried a lot of times to cheat on his girlfriends with me. Don't trust him.
Personally, I don't now how he expects you to trust him when everything he's doing involving his exes is extremely not-trustworthy behavior. I know where you're coming from; my boyfriend has an ex that's like an awful mix of your three problem exes, except she's ALWAYS around.
Appropriate "ex" behavior, to me anyway, is to have decent contact- you know, a friendship- but not to hang out with them on a regular basis, not to call them on a regular basis, and not to text them immediately after you guys had sex for the first time- what if you didn't want anyone to know just yet? I mean, were you really that comfortable knowing that M knew about it right away?
One of my exes and I have sort of the perfect ex relationship- we were close while dating, but he we had a very bad break-up, and this ex and my current boif are very good friends. So he'll call me drunk, and I'll steer him away toward calling his own girlfriend, and then he'll call me when he needs advice- but I always let Mitch know when he does, and I make sure to include Mitch in an conversations that this ex and I might have. And when we hang out, it's never alone, there's always a group.
I think it's okay for exes to be friends...but there's lines, and your boyfriend seems to be crossing, IMO.
Sorry for the novel.:)