Friday, 09 January 2009
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Suspicions and Trust in Relationships
This is a guest blog submitted by klaam_x.Have you guys found it hard to trust even the person you care most about, the person that you should be trusting with your life? But I know most of the time, it's just me over thinking and blowing the situation way out of proportion. We as humans struggle with our emotions a lot because a lot of the times, we choose to listen to our heart, despite the fact that your mind is telling you otherwise. We let our emotions get the best of us, and we become completely ignorant. We neglect the logic and common sense that we need to make the right decision because we base everything on our emotions and how we are feeling about it.
For example, a month ago, I found myself in a situation where I found it so hard to even trust my own boyfriend. I let my emotions override every inch of trust I had in him. I let his past affect our relationship and to this day, even thinking about this person gives me this icky feeling. I know I should trust him, but that was when I started asking myself if I actually could. It seemed inevitable that my doubts were going to take a toll on our relationship, and they did. And it did not help that we got into an argument over this person. I felt completely inferior to whatever they had in their past, and most of all, I felt inferior to that girl. Even now, I don't know if I was right for feeling that way or not, because once again, it was my emotions that took over.
What are the red flags, though - the red flags that there is something going on but you just don't know it?
Do you ever have moments where you feel like you can't trust your BF/GF?
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- From: klaam_x@xanga
- Name: me.
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Comments (40)
Well I had a girlfriend who had a lot of guy friends and she was often physically close to them, like hugging. I guess in my situation it was jealousy and that lead to insecurity, then trust became an issue, although i never openly admitted.
Sorry about your predicament, i don't know I suppose trust is hard to gain. :\ .
Great post though!
Plus I get jealous easy, my boyfriend's ex whatever tired to come into our relationship, most because their relationship didn't go past booty calls and whatnot. At least he was honest with then about what he wanted. Of course, most caught feelings and the sex started. Once he found out shot his girlfriend, they became jealous. They wanted him to cheat or I should drop him. He never did.
The ONLY girl who realy irks me and I can't stand, is his ex "first love". He has major feelings for her years after they dated. They always been on and off friends, pretty much she needed money or to make sure he wasnt serious with anyone. Once she found out about me, he moved back into his state, started coming around and making up fake relationships and asking for advice. It was clear was the started she wanted my boyfriend to be hers.
I never thought be would cheat, but I thought so low of myself at the time, I get scared that he would leave me for her. He waited two years for her to come back to him while she dated someone else.
that was a year ago and he learned its best to just keep her out of his life. Of course, she still tries to come around.
Xo
I've been dating my boyfriend for around seven months, and I trust him more than I trust anyone else, but at the same time, I'm very suspicious of his intentions with his "best girl friend". I think all of his guy friends are great, and some of the girl aren't too bad either- but there's one girl that he says is like his sister, and I hate her. My entire stomach threatens to come out of my mouth whenever he starts talking about her. They've never dated, but you'd think that they are if you could see them together.
I mean, I have a little brother, and I do not squeal his name and sit on his lap whenever I see him. Plain and simple.
Of course, Mitchell assures me every time he sees me with my "I hate that blonde bitch" face on that nothing is going to happen, and that they're just best friends, and that she is really is like family to him. After being told this for the past seven months, I've taken it to heart.
If you've been with your guy long enough, and you love each other, trusting him really shouldn't be an option, especially if he trusts you back. There's a reason he's still with you, and not back with her.
doesn't everyone have those moments sometimes?
plus, i think a lot of people have that one annoying person that makes you jealous, and often it's for good reason. (people pick up on a lot of things subconsciously, and there's usually reasons behind the subconscious signals you're picking up) i have a person like that with my boyfriend, a girl who i know has wanted to date him for years and makes it horribly obvious, but my boyfriend is still friends with her T_T bleccchhh just thinking about her makes me annoyed >: |
If you don't trust, then leave!
I know what you mean, I must say, the real red flags are really hard to notice. Communication is really the only way to go.
I do. It's funny you should write this, because I'm struggling with trust issues every single day, and now that I have a boyfriend (though we've been together for 2½ years, eek) I'm finding it especially hard to cope with. It doesn't help that I just don't know what I want; I'm seventeen, getting ready to head off to college. At fifteen, I was too young to be dating exclusively, but we weren't totally serious until we hit the year and a half mark; we grew into it. But now, I just think we're growing apart.
My posts on xanga are mostly immature rants & raves about little things that piss me off. Lately, I'm constantly referring to "that whore" and "that red-headed girlfriend of his." This girl lives 5 states away, and it's just too funny [and so annoying] that she happens to be on every cruise his family goes on. :) By the looks of her facebook pictures, she's a major skank, or just parties too hard. Either way, I've been jealous of her since I found out she & my boyfriend had a cute little friendship going on behind my back. (No, I don't think he ever cheated on me, but that doesn't make me feel any better.) I won't keep going; I've explained this story too many times. Sure, it's insignificant to most people, but when the one person you've ever really counted on lies to you & lets you down, it's hard to get over it.
Ahg, sorry for writing a novel.
But yes, my main point is that I can identify with how you're feeling, at least it seems that way. And... it's a really bad feeling. Hope things work out for you. xo
Go with your gut. If you're feeling this strongly about it, something's wrong. If you feel that you're being overreactive, then you need to talk to him about it specifically. If you feel that you have any--and I mean any--reason to be feeling this way, then do something.
@chayswag@xanga - Coming from a 'best girl friend' herself, I'll have to say, yes. Be careful. But don't worry overly, as my best friend and I would always sit on each other, tease, tickle, fight and generally act inappropriate all around whenever we saw each other. His girlfriends always hated it, and I felt really bad because I felt as one of his best friends, I wanted to be friends with his girlfriend--make her one of 'us', you know?
Though it does sound that she may have a slight, unrequited crush on him. Try to be her friend, and she may quit when she realizes how outclassed she is! ^_^
trust comes with maturity and realism. it's there or it's not. everyone has dips sometimes on the trust meter. but are there too many? it's up to you.
I hate jealousy.
Don't ever burden your bfs with his or your past. Don't rely on the past to create your future. Rely on the future to erase your path
i have major trust issues too. especially when it comes to my boyfriend. ive tried trusting him plenty of times throughout our 2 year relationship, but ive always found something to mess that trust up. for example, one day i was cleaning his car n i found this gift card wrapper under the passanger seat (where I usually sit) n it said "to: Nikki, From uncle n aunt so n so". n i know a nicole that lives around here (i live with him). i asked him about it, if mayb they hung out before when i wasnt around but he always denied it. and then there were all those times wen i caught him talkin to and flirting wit girls on myspace, aim, and even that nicole girl on the fone. he says he does it unintentionally but i know thats bullshit. he always comes up with an excuse as to why he said or did what he did but deep down i feel like he's just lying to me so i won't get mad over the truth. i dont know if i am just over-reacting or if he really is this untrustworthy.
I am in a situation almost exactly like yours only its many girls, i couldn't even be able to count. I just need to realize the past is the past and people change which is really hard for me because I can forgive but never ever forget. He has changed but it is always lingering in my mind. Thanks for posting this, it's good to know I'm not going insane.
Hmm, it's different (to the extremes) for every person and couple. I suppose a simpler way to look at it is, is it getting better or worse? And even if it's getting better, is it getting better fast enough, and is it worth it fighting your way through until the problem goes away? We each deal with trust different ways... but if you feel like it just gets worse, then take actions to fix it. If there is nothing you can do, or if there's nothing either is WILLING to do, then give up. Not every relationship is meant to work out.
@fakegeisha@xanga -
thanks for the advice :) She has a boyfriend, but it's funny, because they always try to one-up me and my beau in cute couple moments. She's friendly enough to me, but I'm just wayward of her friendship advances :P
ha wow, it's like you just took the entire post right from my own mind.. so yeah, I'm right there with you. It's hard when you constantly overthink or make yourself jealous/feel inferior to other girls in their life. No good
you know, i can see myself typing exactly what you typed about "that girl" but i learned that my jealousy was my insecurity, and i trust myself boyfriend COMPLETELY, it also kind of helps (in a selfish kind of way) that "that girl" cheated on him, so i know that he'd NEVER do that to me, because he knows what it feels like.
i had created her out to be someone, a person, a woman who was superior to me; and she wasn't. i had never met her, i don't know even know what she looks like, but somehow, i felt so inferior and that turned to trust issues. after many times apologizing to my boyfriend, i realized that this wasn't trust, this was insecurity....and distrust in other women, of course.
IF this is the case with you, really think deep down why you're jealous. did they meet up? did he NOT mention something to you to lead you to become suspicious? and most of all, don't let your emotions take the best of you, especially during an argument. being level headed makes you look a lot better during an argument (even if you're being a total crazy gf haha)
yeah, sometimes.
But its really hard to talk about it cause i'm never sure how he's going to take it. It's not usually something you would talk about to your boyfriend either.
i TOTALLY get what you're saying... my boyfriend dated his first ex for 3 years, and i know he loved her... and what scared me more is that they still call each other on their birthdays, and he said he "hated her." (hate=some kind of passion)
eventually i've come to learn that some things are in the past and you have to trust that. i'm a little ashamed to admit that i grew a little more secure when i learned they were never sexual (he was too young)... but if you really love him, you have to trust him... otherwise you'll make yourself miserable, which will make him miserable in turn.
I've only had 2 moments in my 2yr relationship, but I had a right to question my b/f in those moments. I don't tend to blow things out of proportion and I confront issues if they should arise.
The way I said it to my b/f is that he has my trust 100% until he gives me a reason not to trust him. So far, he hasn't, so why bother worrying about it? There's no point in keeping a liar around, so why be afraid to lose one?
Don't dwell on a moment of suspicion unless you really do think there is substance to it. A red flag would be your bf hanging out with "that girl," and telling you after the fact. I suggest just talking about it, and not letting suspicion rule your rational thinking. good luck. ;)
Trust is a word all lovers know, the glorious art of staining souls. -HIM
Trusting someone requires you to have blind faith in that person. Whether he or she remains honest and truthful to you is something you can never be certain of.
There are plenty of times where I feel as if I can't entrust anyone with my heart. I don't want to be alone, but being with someone is as equally frightening. If you find yourself obsessing over this other person and their history, perhaps it is better to break it off. It is never healthy when you're second guessing your lover's every move... even if he is innocent.
If there's no trust then you have nothing.
He has lied to me or kept stuff from me so I find it very hard to trust him but trying. He doesn't trust me (though I have nothing to hide from him or ever lied to him either) It's hard as well. Our issues are not necessarily about cheating. But the lies sometimes make me wonder, you know?
I am someone who over thinks.....
Then again..the past takes a toll...why do we learn history?
so it doesn't "repeat".....yet sometimes it takes us a few times to learn...doesn't seem like anyone can go through one mistake....and learn...
due to his past and mine...we have serious trust issues..
its just a challenge...
"its good to be jealous....because then u have fear tht you have something to loose...someone to loose.....means u care..if not...why get jealous?"
someone told me that.....but here's the second part
" don't let tht jealousy...take over ur life...or you will never find true love...or hapiness..."
It is hard to let go....its hard to trust.....especiallly after its broken....ppl have to gain it...
good luck
everyone else has these moments 2
ur not alone..=)
great post!
Ive had a few moments, even that inferior feeling, but the great thing is, he is a wonderful guy, i know im insecure and he hates his ex,( but not the "im not over her hate" ) so I have no reason to feel inferior
I can totally relate to this post as I am going through something very similar. I have been with a guy for almost 5 years plus a ring and throughout the relationship he has always had this need to make friends with women. To me it's like "flavour of the week" you would think that after all this time I would just be used to it but I'm not, I just can't compete anymore. [input feelings of inferiority, insecurity and lack of trust in him] Now our relationship is so unstable that it's to the point where a break up may be hitting us full force. In the mean time we are taking time apart so he can soul search if he is still in love with me.