Thursday, 08 January 2009
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My BF Keeps Wanting Me to Change for Him
This is a guest blog submitted by sandy1115.My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a year and two months now. Yet almost every day - at least five days a week - we fight about something trivial. Most of the fights are about the things he doesn't like about me.
For example, he makes the biggest deal whenever I wear makeup. It's really hard to give up makeup because it's something I really like and have liked for a long time now. Even so, I made a deal with him that I'll only wear it twice a week to make myself and him happy. But, even with that, he complains about it; every time he sees me with makeup on, he calls me ugly and stuff and tries to put it off as a joke...even though I know he's never actually joking.
It really does seem like he doesn't like anything about me because he's always trying to change me, and when I tell him how I feel, he's completely ignorant and doesn't try to keep an open mind about it.
I've broken up with him many times by now because I knew that things weren't going to change, but each time, he convinces me that things will change and like a fool, I believe him. I want to say that I'm happy with him, but I don't know. I love him, but I don't know how much longer I can stay in this relationship if he's always trying to change me or keep fighting with me.
Do you think our relationship will last? I truly care about him, and apparently he feels the same way, but excluding our first month together, we've constantly fought, and I've constantly tried to change to make him happy.
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- From: sandy1115
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Comments (86)
Eh, i'd tell you to lose the guy, but you already know you should do that, it seems. You keep fighting because you aren't doing anything different. You two relate in the same way, and the same conflicts will happen. If you don't want to change for him, then you have to try and change him. Relationships change people, it's called compromise. But, if wearing makeup is really that important to you, then, don't compromise it, i guess.
Aw, it's kind of sad. The only thing you mention him wanting you to change is something that he'd rather you actually be you... he's not trying to change you, he's trying to get you to be naturally you. You say he doesn't like anything about you, yet it's obvious that he likes you the way you really are, without the modifications (however slight it may be) that makeup does.
I'm sure there are other things you didn't mention, this just stuck out to me. Best of luck with your situation...
I think you should tell him, its your body and its your choice to wear make up and whatnot. You can only change for yourself and thats if you want too.
I dont know if it will last, thats up to you and how long you want to deal with this...
Xo
I think you're asking for reassurance, not advice. You know you're eventually going to break up with him for good. You might as well do it now so you can heal faster.
@JadedJanissary@xanga - I agree with you.
Its not about change, its compromise.
and if you can't do it. leave him.
and if you feel like you fight too much about you and that he doesn't like anything about you...
then the answer is obvious, leave him.
and find yourself someone that appreciates the way you are.
It's not going to last love. If you can't be in a relationship while accepting who the other person is, it's a wasted effort.
hey, i know exactly what you're going through. me and my bf fight all the time! over me wanting to go to a party, or drink without him, which compared to wearing makeup, are bigger issues. i love him tons, and you love you're bf, but don't let anybody change you. i know it's easier said than done, but YOU and you alone can make yourself happy. no one can complete you, or make you whole--you have to respect yourself enough to get the hell out of this realtionship and find someone who loves you for you and all of the things that come with you. there's a diffrence between being in love with someone and being happy with someone--someone you love can make you miserable, but hopefully someone who can make you happy can be someone you love.
If you're putting on too much makeup or doing a really bad job of it, maybe it's a valid complaint. If not, then he just sounds like an ass.
# 1.
This is the "cycle":
1. You break up or threaten to break up
2. They "change"
3. In a week, month, even a year or so they "snap!" go back into their old ways
4. And in some conditions, they just need a catalyst to get them back to their old ways....
That is the "cycle" guys go through and you know what? it works (esp with girls like you). They can keep on doing what they want to do and still keep the girl...what's the down in that??
# 2
I was in a relationship that was good for the first 6 months, then he decided that I was "his" and start telling me what to do. Now I have a very strong personality when it comes to relationships (I tend to over power) and he didn't like that when he wanted to "rule" me. Anyway...we fought CONSTANTLY about stupid things!!! I broke up with him once and of course got back together with him after he said that he was sorry...but i learned from it. He wasn't truly sorry and went back to his ways; so I dumped his ass! Of course he was "crawling" for me now but I didn't budge. (instead i found my now husband)
You need to know what you are in a situation like that and break the "cycle". It doesn't always have to be physical to be an abusive relationship and trust me your relationship is only going to get worse unless you "bow down" to him (and even then he is still going to see how far he can push you). Leave him! He will not change....trust me on this...the ex that i was talking about; that was 6 years ago and he still hasn't changed....and of course still blames me for everything that went wrong in the relationship HAHA :)
So again...kick him to the curb and DON'T look back!
Blessed Be
I know exactly what you should do.
Tell him...
To eat shit
and leave his ass
^_^
If he isn't willing to listen to you and if he doesn't like you for how you are now, I doubt the relationship will last.
um, sometimes just love isn't enough for a relationship. you guys may love each other, but it sounds like you'd be better off as friends if he's constantly telling you to change things that you really enjoy or like. if you guys break up, then you can find someone who likes you for who are you right now!
C'mon, girl. You see the writing on the wall. He's clearly not mature enough to handle a real relationship -- which is absolutely based on compromise & acceptance. One year two months and many break-ups later... don't you deserve to be happy?
Walk away. You deserve someone who wants to work with you in the relationship and not demand his way or else.
Good luck!
@Lizbeth8207@xanga - Even so, the way he is going about it sounds awfully juvenile, not to mention controlling.
A nice, rational, healthy guy would say (if it mattered so much to him that he had to say anything at all), "I think you look better without makeup." (Again, if he had to say anything at all. It's generally not a good idea for a man to tell a woman that there's something wrong with her prefered way of presenting herself. At least if he doesn't want to end up in the doghouse with the door locked.)
A controlling jerk gets mad, calls you ugly, and picks a fight over it when you do wear makeup.
i was him at one point. he needs a wake up call. just seriously end it.. and don't talk to him. ignore him completely. for at least a month. he needs to survive without you and learn to appreciate you for exactly who you are. and then if you wanna try .. you will initiate, not him.
so count a month starting after he gives up trying to contact or get back with you. much luck :)
@Lizbeth8207@xanga - I agree. Of course, we don't know the whole story, but asking your gf to NOT wear make up seems a lot less offensive than asking her to wear it.
However, JessXMaxine has a point too --is his complaint that he likes the way you look naturally, or is it that he's afraid of you getting attention when you're wearing make up?
I don't really know what to say here. Best of luck to you though, regardless of whether you stay together or not!
@Vargie_the_Great@xanga - Hilarious advice. Thanks for the laugh.
But on a serious note:
He sounds like one of those controlling and soon to be abusive guy on The Maury Show. I understand if he wants you to change for the better but there are positive ways to do that rather than calling you "ugly" when you put on make-up and try to make a joke out of it. Really, that hurts and put your self-esteem down. I know guys who don't want their gfs to put on make-up because they're afraid other guys will be checking out their gfs. And all this is because of their own insecurities. It seems like talking to your guy isn't working so do what you think is best. A guy who cares and loves you will accept who you are or if he wants you to change (for the better), he should do it in a positive way.
And if he hadn't changed then, he certainly isn't going to change now.
He sounds controlling, lower your self esteem, and disrespect you, ignoring your feeling.
Do you think you should be in this relationship?
If he doesn't like you for you, then he doesn't really like you at all. Some things you can understand people wanting to change, for instance, if they smoked, but wearing make-up is your choice. If he keeps trying to change you, I don't think he is worth it. A true love with embrace you flaws.
Drop this guy! He's supposed to love you and appreciate you for you, makeup or not!
Calling you names or insulting you isn't acceptable behavior either by the way!
Stop kidding yourself. You know what you should do, so do it.
I feel your pain. I was with a guy for 17 months, and we went through the same fights because he wanted to change me (not for makeup), and to be honest, it's not worth staying in a one-sided relationship, because it's not fair to you. If he really loved you, he wouldn't care if you wore makeup or not. I say you should find a guy who can accept you and love you for who YOU are, not for appearance.
You deserve better, hun.
Good grief...is there like a common theme this week about women who can't leave their jerk boyfriends?
I think maybe you're being a little too passive about the makeup thing. Have you tried telling him, "Look, this is who I am, stop trying to change me?" You're aware of your foolish decision to constantly forgive and get back together with him when you KNOW he won't change. You constantly get in arguments with him about little things. So stop being stupid and just leave!
It sounds like an abusive relationship to me. It's time to move on. Seriously. I don't see anything particularly good that can come from it.
maybe he dosn't like the way you do your make-up? I sometimes see girls who put too much eye liner on, they use too much bronzer so their skin looks orange, or they wear pale/white-ish lip gloss. All those looks are unflattering.
Or maybe he is just being a controlling jerk