Thursday, 08 January 2009
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On People Who Always Need to Be in Relationships
This is a guest blog submitted by mbbrad4d.I was just looking at my feed on Facebook, and one of my friends' pages said, "...went from 'married' to 'in a relationship.'" The girl is in her 20s, mind you, with two kids by two different fathers. I don't intend to be judgmental, but I'm just setting the stage.
And it's not that she doesn't check her Facebook often. Every day I see activity from her, including her posting new pictures featuring her and her new boyfriend.
But to jump from marriage to dating someone new without a period of singledom? I should also note that the demise of her marriage wasn't a result of her having an affair.
How is it that some of us constantly need to be in a relationship? Rather than be on our own for a while to heal ourselves and resolve our OWN issues from the broken relationship, why do some people dive head-first into another relationship?
Do you take time for introspection after relationships? Do you analyze the broken relationship to see what you need to learn about yourself from it?
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About the Author
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- From: mbbrad4d@xanga
- Name: Beth
- Location: Florida, United States
- About Me: "What faith gives you is the assurance that God is good, that God can be trusted, that God won't forget you, and that, despite any indication to the contrary, God is still solidly in charge of this universe." Ronald Rolheiser
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Comments (63)
Don't people need a rest sometimes? You'd think if you just got out, yes you'd still desire a relationship probably, but wouldn't you be tired and just want a break, however short/long that might be? I'm sure it isn't always insecurity, but I'm also sure that's the reason for many people. Sometimes they don't know how to act outside of being with someone.
I don't understand people who always need to be in relationships either. I think these people are afraid of being alone, obviously, but they are also afraid that they mind come to terms with who they really are if they spend enough time alone.Â
I believe that some people can not find happiness on their own. They feel that they need someone else to "complete" them. Someone that can not be happy alone, will never be able to be completely happy with someone else. They will jump from relationship to relationship always looking for that missing piece in their life, but sadly enough, will never find it because they have yet to feel secure with who they are and what they want from life. Just my opinion of course, i am sure that some people find happiness in another, and are fully satisfied with that situation... i guess.
i wonder that sometimes.
they are afraid of being alone.
Huh?
You're asking a girl with no self esteem to actually reflect and think about what she's doing? Do you think she's gonna have the fortitude to actually make a decision?
Lost cause...
Stop tugboating your friends...Why would you want to be associated with this drama?
Usually it seems to be people who have a low sense of self-worth. They need someone else around who can make them feel like they have value and are loved. Being in a relationship is essential to their sense of well-being. Without someone they can call a girlfriend/lover they feel incomplete (have to admit I think more guys than girls fall into this category).
This type of people can be 'emotional vampires' feeding off of the comfort they receive from their significant other.
I have admittedly, been that girl. However, after my most recent breakup, I was single for almost nine months. I dated and then when I met someone special, we became a couple. I think it can be an age thing in someways... You know, learning about yourself, etc.
I think it's because they're afraid of being alone.
@OhItzJustMe@xanga - agreed.
I also think that it may be that some people have this "in love with love" idea, that the ultimate goal in life is to be in a relationship/married. Like that's what makes someone successful or makes a life complete (but I guess people feel that way about money, too, huh?)
I think after a while, people don't really know how to be alone.
But, like anything else, I am sure that there are always exceptions...
@OhItzJustMe@xanga - Bingo, agreed. Some people find happiness mainly outside of themselves, through others. It's just another personality trait. A more positive example of this: someone who volunteers for a living in harsh circumstances, like doctors without borders.
Well that and some people find being alone unbearable. Maybe also... they she doesn't see any benefit to being alone? Money? Huh, tons of reasons I guess...
I know exactly what you mean? I have a friend that i have known since freshmen year of high school and since knowing her I have only seen her single for a week, if that. Mind you I am now graduated from college so it has been 8 years. My friend was always insecure and just needed someone else to fill a void. Although it is much more healthier for people to fill in the void themselves not a lot of people are capable of being by themselves, its painfull and most people would rather take the easy way out. It sucks but thats how they cope with it. The best to do is to ignore them and let them handle their own thing. No matter how much we stress that what they are doing is not healthy they will never listen until it is too late and that is a hole that they dug on their own
I know a few people like that. They always seen to want the other person to make them happy and once that relationship to get a "happy fix."
Plus i think they are just scared to be alone.
I think inorder to be a good SO, you have to be single and content being single. If you feel like you just "need" to be with someone, the relationship isnt going to last with the pressure of someone having to make you "happy" all the time.
Xo
just differences in style. i mean, if you were going from one relationship to another all the time, you wouldn't be heavily invested, and would be able to move on faster.
I don't have that kind of experience with jumping in and out of relationships, but it's a little irritating to see people who just HAVE to have a boyfriend. These are usually girls who are afraid of being single when they get older. This one friend of mine had broken up with her bf once because he was being a jerk and wasn't really interested in her anymore, and then almost a month later he asked to get back together and she said okay right away! She also said at the same time her best friend was interested in her as well, and to make a long story short, she finally said that as long as she was with one of them in the end, that's all she cared about. It really pissed me off to hear that. She's 15 now and was only about 14 around this incident. I'm thinking, "Where is her pride??" It really irks me...but hey, whatever. Her choice.
I say... Take a freakin break. You won't be able to find a happy healthy relationship until you give yourself some time!
I once was that girl. After I had my heart broken for the first time, I just couldn't be alone. I would jump from relationship to relationship only having a couple of months of singledom. I guess I was using those "new" relationships to heal my old wounds from the previous failed relationships. It was almost like a rebound relationship. Well, the first part of the relationship was, anyways. It's almost like an addiction. You can't stand to be alone when you're single. You just need someone there to make you feel that yes, you are important, and yes, someone else does care for you in that kind of way. It seems like you always need to be emotionally attached to someone else to make you happy.
Believe me, I have my guilt and regrets when jumping into relationships when I'm not ready but it also taught me a lot about myself and relationship itself. I just wish I would of taken the time to heal my wounds and enjoy my singledom in my teen years.
@JessxMaxine@xanga - As Marianne Williamson would say, "If YOU don't enjoy spending an evening alone with yourself, how can you expect SOMEONE ELSE to want to spend an evening alone with you!"
Back in highschool I used to jump from relationship to another - cause I didnt know better
It was the feeling of emptyness that really bugged me, not having anyone to call me at midnight anymore / someone to hang out every weekend
But as I got older I realized that: whats the point of jumping from one relationship to another - when you dont even like them (this is why the relationship never lasted for more than a month - cause I cant stand them)
So now I'm taking my time to heal and reflect and waiting for the right guy to come
I think they're just afraid of being alone. I know a lot of people who are like this..They're in one relationship and swear that they're with 'the one' after only knowing them for a short amount of time. Then the next time I hear from them they're with someone else..and it happens again and again.
I honestly don't understand how someone can go from relationship to relationship like that and still be happy..Just doesn't make any sense to me.
There are various reasons why people dive head first into another relationship after getting out of one. Maybe she is completely over her ex-husband anyways, who knows? She could be afraid of being alone as well. But, for the rest of us who aren't involved in that relationship and only have a perceived view of it, we tend to think that she's going for a rebound relationship. Now whether or not she is remains to be decided but I find at this time I can't be the judge of that especially since I don't know the person.
But on a personal note, even I don't understand why or how people can just move on from one relationship to another and not still be affected by the previous one.
@jeezshoua@xanga - I'm with you there. Since I was 18 I've been in relationships. I'm now going on 30. I've been single for maybe a total of one year in those last twelve years.
Part of the reason is because I don't know how to be single anymore. I'm so used to being in these 5 year long relationships and always having that person there, that when I get out I feel great for the first couple of weeks and then I get really bored. It takes a while to met another girl. I was single for five months once and didn't meet anyone, didn't have any booty calls or one night stands or even any dates period. I was like "what's wrong with me, why am not meeting anyone?" So I got back together with my ex and got married. What a big mistake that was. After that ended I was single for two months before I met my current girlfriend, we've been dating a year now.
When I was single I was a wreck. I was on dating sites every day and at bars or clubs five nights a week. I no longer know how to be single and be content. I'm into commitment. I'd be fine if I was just meeting women and hanging out and having some fun, but every girl I've slept with wants a commitment from me and I've never said no. I don't know how to say no.
Apparently she didn't need a rest period. some people feel they have to re-evaluate things in their life after break-ups, and some people feel that they don't need it. Who is to say if either of those 2 types of people are right or wrong? I believe they are to say that, don't you agree? what I'm more concerned with is how her dating may effect her kids, yet I'm not saying that she is wrong in that either. If dating or romance is a crucial part of someones life, I don't think anything should stop that, because a person like that wouldn't be happy if they stopped dating. an unhappy parent may affect a child more; however, I do believe that parents should always be honest to there children about sensative issues like that, and kids should be honest aswell. there always needs to be communication.
Some people just don't like being alone. Sometimes, what they fail to realize is that they AREN'T alone. Relationships don't always mean having someone there for you: What if it's long distance? What if your SO just sucks? Being single doesn't mean being alone, it just means that the "right" person hasn't come along yet.
I firmly believe that people need to love themselves before they love another, and in a lot of cases, people that are constantly in relationships DON'T love themselves, and need to be told that they are loved.
It needs to come from within.
I spent years being single and figuring myself out before getting into another relationship, and I'm in the best one I've ever had now, so I think it pays off.
i am one of those girls & i am guilty of it all & it hurts the next relationship. But the reason i do it is because i hate being alone. Shitty answer right? But i'm honest & it's really how i feel. I like having someone there...