Wednesday, 07 January 2009
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My BF Won't Tell Me Everything about His Past
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.My boyfriend and I are very compatible, and shortly after we met, we became best friends. We never dated until recently because he was just beginning to date some girl when we met. They broke up after a while and now we're together.
I am always so skeptical about everything he tells me. Maybe it's because I know some things about his past that we've never talked about. I already liked him when he was dating that someone, so at that time, our friends would tell me certain bad things that he'd done before in an effort to get me to stop liking him. But everyone's got history, right?
Now he keeps his past to himself and never opens up about it completely. I ask him about certain things even though I already know the answers to most of them. I just need to know that he trusts me and is willing to let me know anything.
He doesn't lie to me.. most of the replies were completely honest, but sometimes he would only tell me half of it...which I can't count as lying. I tried to ask more, but he says that he doesn't like talking about the past because what is done is done and there is nothing anyone can do about it. That shut me up.
I don't like to burst his bubble and bring it up myself if it's something he doesn't feel comfortable talking about, especially if it's only in the past. But at the same time, I really want him to just be comfortable talking about it because like he said, it's all in the past now.. so why can't he just openly talk about it? Maybe he's afraid that I will judge him differently afterwards.
Should I just forget about it and move on? He does reassure me a lot, but I just feel like I need his history to be cleared before I let him further build his credit. Am I thinking too much or should I get to the bottom of it so I can feel more secure?
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Comments (89)
If it's really bothering you, talk to him about it, but consider this: He is not the same guy he was in this history you want to hear about. People change constantly, and things he did in the past might be things he wouldn't even consider now. Also, if he doesn't want to talk about it, maybe he doesn't feel good about the things he did. Maybe he doesn't want his past to taint how you see him now.
I can also understand that you'd want to see if he trusts you as much
as he does other people, but he may feel like if he trusted you, it
wouldn't be trust, it would be whining to you, and you'd see him as
less of a man.
We as men have developed this way of thinking when it comes to the
world of dating: Listen to your woman when she talks about her problems
and emotions, but don't share yours. We're taught that woman want us to
be macho, strong, and they want to lean on us, not the other way
around. We're taught that dating, relationships, and love, are not
simply friendships gone farther, they're fundamentally different. To
us, the difference between friends and lovers (as we have learned, not
as we'd want it to be) is that friends usually talk to each other about
things they can't with their lovers, because to us, we feel that we
have to keep our lovers sexually attracted to us, and that means, no
sharing of emotions.
I'm really torn on this issue, though..
On one hand, I think it's a sneaky thing to already know and then ask him about things just to see how much he's willing to share, to compare to what you already know as a means to judge how much he trusts you. Putting him through tests like that... whenever I hear about women who do things like this, it's discouraging.
On another hand, shit happens and it wouldn't be cool to date someone, fall in love, move in together/get married and then find out that, say, that person was a total pothead and slept with 15 other people before meeting you, then changed but decided to "let the past go". I can understand that you don't want to get into the situation where suddenly there are some nasty secrets suddenly let out that change your view of him, and I can understand that if you try to ignore the potential of the existence of those things, that you feel like you'd be running from the truth and loving someone different than who's actually there.
Wow, there are a lot of comments and I am sure there are plenty of people who have told you the exact same thing as I am about to.
My past isn't the greatest, I have made my share of mistakes, but I have learned from them. It was very important for me that the person that I spend the rest of my life with know what mistakes I have made and accept me for me 100%. Still, I don't like talking about it, what is in the past is in the past.
I didn't always feel that full disclosure was necessary, that came in time. I judged myself so harshly that I didn't see how anyone else could overlook what I couldn't. I think that if you just continue to be there and love him for who he is, maybe at some point he will feel secure enough to tell you everything, or you will feel secure enough not to need to know everything.
@Bricker59@xanga - You're an asshole. That was very ignorant. Don't tell her to fucking grow up.
And to the original poster... I understand completely. I felt the same way. But, I'm engaged to someone that I never thought existed. Tell him how you feel then if he doesn't trust you, obviously... that's that.
He's right, what's done is done. Telling you about it isn't going to change anything. Besides that you need to give it some time. It sounds like you haven't really been together that long (even if you've known each other for awhile) maybe he's just not comfortable revealing that stuff in a relationship setting quite yet. It was almost a year and a half into our relationship that I would really open up and and tell my now-fiance anything about my past. He's not being shady and he's probably not lying to you. And asking him things you already know the answer to just to see what he'll say is manipulative and is only going to drive him away if he finds out what you're doing. So leave the poor guy alone before you push him over the edge. He'll open up when he's comfortable and ready.
Many people don't like talking about the past because it was painful or embarassing and they choose to move on. By repeatedly asking him about it, you're only forcing him to relive things he would clearly rather not. Not everyone likes to talk things to death.
I encourage y'all to be open and honest about your pasts, but it's definitely prudent to wait until each party is ready to share.
But I have a question for the rest of the post-ers: what's so horrible about talking about the past? It's part of who you are, it's part of you you've become and who you will continue to become. If you understand where they've been, it is so much easier to encourage and love them to continue on. We all have skeletons in our closets, but if you are afraid your partner will judge you, you're probably in the wrong relationship anyway. Anyone who will not love you for YOU isn't worth the time and effort. Living in fear is a crummy way to live. I don't know if I could be in a relationship where the other party hid stuff from me... a relationship without trust?
Just because something is 'in the past' doesn't mean he's comfortable talking about it. If/when he wants to talk about it, he'll talk about it. Until then, let it go.
My boyfriend likes to tell me everything, and I mean everything. So, sometimes it's a good thing to not know it all.
What's most important in your relationship is the present and your respect for him when he doesn't care to discuss his past. Maybe you are insecure and that's a big relationship killer. So talk to him about how you're feeling, not about his past, because that's not the issue. It's your insecurities in the relationship.
@esch99@xanga - yes, exactly! It's important to know when to press on and when to let it go. I had some doubts about someone I was considering entering into a relationship with. I was right to be cautious and want to know more, especially after I found he had neglected to mention some very important things!
There are things I'm ashamed of in my past, but I think any potential suiter has the right to know as much about my character and integrity as I would want to know about theirs. It's selfish and inconsiderate to keep important information secret.
People are more apt to forgive your past if they see you are humbly willing to own up to it and share it, than if you are super-secretive/have prideful justifications and excuses for every mistake you have ever made.
If people tell you HALF truths doesnt mean you got THE truth. Thats a form of deception or false advertising.
If you guys JUST started dating I wouldnt expect him to tell you EVERYTHING all at once- mostly because of time.
Look, when I feel Im with a "good" guy I dont typically ask him every detail about his life. But if I have major doubts- I simply shouldnt be dating him.
Lets just say he HASNT done anything too terrible, the fact that you are filled with doubts will work against the relationship to the point of its destruction.
Maybe you are not ready to be with this guy as much as you think you are. Maybe you need to think more so, about what you want or need in a relationship- before you choose whoever.
show him you love him and that he CAN trust you... and you wont judge him . maybe that will help. try telling him? like once in a while.. not every second though >>;
I honestly don't really know about my boyfriend's ex girlfriends. I mean his friends would always tease him about how young that I am. But he would always shut up the convos about his ex-gfs. From what I gathered from his friends. They were pretty much all asian. (I'm black). One was a crazy bitch. That they all call HER. But they all mention that I am the best girlfriend ever and that he's so lucky to have me. So I don't really dwell on it. He doesn't really talk to them. And his two girl best friends there is nothing sexual in their friendship... one he forgets she's a girl... cause she's bi and the convos confuse him. lol. and the other girl is like in the military and a trained medic/firefighter... she can kick his ass. so lol. I'm not worried. Try to trust your man. Maybe his scars are still tender <3 addy