Wednesday, 07 January 2009
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My BF Won't Tell Me Everything about His Past
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.My boyfriend and I are very compatible, and shortly after we met, we became best friends. We never dated until recently because he was just beginning to date some girl when we met. They broke up after a while and now we're together.
I am always so skeptical about everything he tells me. Maybe it's because I know some things about his past that we've never talked about. I already liked him when he was dating that someone, so at that time, our friends would tell me certain bad things that he'd done before in an effort to get me to stop liking him. But everyone's got history, right?
Now he keeps his past to himself and never opens up about it completely. I ask him about certain things even though I already know the answers to most of them. I just need to know that he trusts me and is willing to let me know anything.
He doesn't lie to me.. most of the replies were completely honest, but sometimes he would only tell me half of it...which I can't count as lying. I tried to ask more, but he says that he doesn't like talking about the past because what is done is done and there is nothing anyone can do about it. That shut me up.
I don't like to burst his bubble and bring it up myself if it's something he doesn't feel comfortable talking about, especially if it's only in the past. But at the same time, I really want him to just be comfortable talking about it because like he said, it's all in the past now.. so why can't he just openly talk about it? Maybe he's afraid that I will judge him differently afterwards.
Should I just forget about it and move on? He does reassure me a lot, but I just feel like I need his history to be cleared before I let him further build his credit. Am I thinking too much or should I get to the bottom of it so I can feel more secure?
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Comments (89)
"But everyone's got history, right?"
--Right, but not everyone is open to sharing. See if he doesn't open up in time?
"I just need to know that he trusts me and is willing to let me know anything. "
--Ah, right.... time here as well.
" Maybe he's afraid that I will judge him differently afterwards."
Perhaps, perhaps. Give it a while, and then see if he brings it up. If not, there could be a good reason for it.
Be weary, and if he asks why you are, mention that you aren't sure you have a reason not to be, as there are still things you don't know not to be weary about. If he opens up, wonderful, if not... you may have to deal.
You have to let him know how you feel, but some people aren't comfortable talking about their past with ANYONE, and you just have to wait until that time comes. I've been in this situation before...took me YEARS to get him to talk to me. But once it happens, it's worth it. You just have to be patient.
imho... He SHOULD tell you everything. And if he doesn't. Tell him what you already know.
I hate secrets.
You love (or.. whatever) who he is NOW and, though his past made him into this amazing person, that is who you should be thankful for.
I'm certain that if something was truly so important that it affected your relationship, he would tell you. Don't be offended if he's tight-lipped about what happened, he's probably dealing with some personal issues regarding it.Â
Just give him space. If it's really bothering you, though, then maybe you need to reevaluate how much to value this relationship.
Because girls find out then get mad. That's why guys hide. I learned it the hard way. Never ever asking a bf of mine anything about the past anymore.
If he isn't ready to tell you that is up to him, but don't try and pry it out of him. Otherwise he'll be less likely to open up to you and tell you at all and you might push him away completely. For him to tell you this stuff is going to take time. Let him tell you if and when he is ready.
I agree with enthrall_twinge.
Though my boyfriend told me he was adopted, and many other lies at the beginning of the relationship.
The air has since been cleared though, and there are no more lies.
Obviously there are immediate worries that arise when one doesn't want to share their past, but the more comfortable he is with you, the more apt he'll be to share. Don't sweat it
I think if you feel you really need answers to trust your boyfriend then you should ask him questions. But, if you trust him already then maybe you should just leave the past in the past. I for one do not like to hear about my guy's past relationships. I'm sure he would not like to hear about mine either. But, if it's something that currently affects your relationship then yes you should ask questions. But, at the same time you don't want to prey and force him to tell you things he dosen't want to. I say for now just let things be and give him time to come around. When he trusts you he will be honest with you when he feels the time is right. Maybe build your relationship and then in a couple of months ask him some questions and leave it at that.
Another thing you could do is disclose your past dating experince as much as you feel comftorable and then maybe he will follow suit like you are just making conversation.
i was the same exact way with my boyfriend... and while i can understand where you're coming from (ie, if he trusts me, why doesn't he just tell me), there are some things that just take time.
trust me, if you give it enough time, he'll open up to you about things.
If he tells you what's past is past, he means it. Just let him be and appreciate the relationship itself.
When he feels comfortable enough to talk about things, he'll open up to you.
You're in a relationship with him now, so why do you need his history to be cleared before you let him further build his credit? Shouldn't that had been done before you got into a relationship with him?
Everyone has a past and a history that not everyone is proud of or is willing to share with anyone. Sometimes you just have to accept it and move on. Unless he killed someone then maybe I can understand why YOU NEED to know.
You want him to trust you and tell you anything, right? For starters, stop asking him about his past. Maybe then he'll start to open up to you when he feels he's ready. I know I'll get annoy if my significant other would always ask or bring up my past.
And if he isn't willing or never tells you, it's his past. You shouldn't dwell on his past but focus on the present especially since you are in the picture with him. Why worry about his past when you weren't there?
Don't nag about his past. Just relax and enjoy life.
@XbrokenXXheartedXX@xanga - i agree to the guys not wanting to show their flaws. haha. every guy wants to look perfect [or something close to it] in front of the girl he loves. i had the same issue with my boyfriend, but i let it go in the end - not worth all the trouble and drama it would potentially cause. at least he's not LYING. and if i did find out something about him, i told him - then he'd tell me why he didn't tell me, we'd discuss it quickly, and put it behind us.
if you love him, just accept that he has boundaries. not everyone is completely willing to open up, even to their SOs.
Sometimes, people have their own reasons for holding back on the truth.
I've dated a lot, and I know I don't really want to go around telling my girlfriends that. It's not the most charming thing to know that you're just one of many.
So maybe what he doesn't want to say is for the protection of the relationship you have now.
Maybe when he feels safer, he can open up.
But until then, you probably shouldn't force it. A person's biz is their own biz.
your feelings are valid and he should acknowledge it...
but i've learned that.. past indeed is in the past and it's best left there.. no use talking about it.. i know what u mean about wanting to see if he trusts you.. but this isn't the way to go about it.
you shouldn't ask him to validate your relationship. trust is .. taking a leap of faith. it's hard, i know... but yea
If he's not telling you, it's because it's not important.
So if it is the past and it's not important why make a big deal out of it?
You don't have to know everything.
Okay, lesee... that's failing stages 1 (compatibility) and 5 (similar expectation) of the 8 stages. You want him to talk about it honestly and openly, and he doesn't. Hand him this post and talk about how he feels about it. Decide whether or not you can get your expectations to align. If you can't, move on. It'll just be a point of contention from here to infinite.
If he wants to tell you then he'll tell you if not leave him alone.
I guess it depends on what happen in his past. Also you might have to understand that it REALLY maybe difficult for him to talk about. Its up to you to decide if what happen in his past is major enough to effect you guys' future together.
Don't nag him, woman! If he feels comfortable enough, he'll tell you. Nagging and nagging and nagging isn't going to make him feel any comfortabler, if you know what I mean, so just stop.
Awww... That bloke must really like u, and he hasn't even lied to u. Maybe he feels unconfortable talking about some things in the past and HE wants to move on and u asking him about those things doesn't allow him to forget the past. Everyone makes mistakes in relationships or whatever and he seems to have learnt the lesson and now with u he just wants to focus to be a 'good bf'.
U shud rly appreciate what he's doing, he's been honest,has told u the truth and I think it's kind of selfish to keep wanting to know more. If u think bout it, it's only curiosity. Enjoy ur relationship and just move on!! Don't get ur knickers in a knot
Leave him alone and let it go. He'll talk about it if/when he feels like it.
just curious ~ why do you want him to talk about his past which you've already known so badly ~? hearing those bad things from him won't make you feel happy ~ so why don't you just forget about it and move on ~?
i think there must be a reason why he doesn't want to talk about ~ so it's better not pushing him to talk ~
I would just let it go. It's in the past. When and if he's ready, he will open up but for now, he probably doesn't think it's necessary to bring up. I don't think it has anything to do about opening up and being honest. I don't like bringing up the past because it's long gone. Those things no longer affect my life. Nor do I want a reminder about it.
well my advice is let it be and as it surfaces then push it slowly. I lost my ex cos of that and i regret it every single day. Whats the point of knowing everything? it will draw u further and further away from him at the moment.