Wednesday, 07 January 2009
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My BF Won't Tell Me Everything about His Past
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.My boyfriend and I are very compatible, and shortly after we met, we became best friends. We never dated until recently because he was just beginning to date some girl when we met. They broke up after a while and now we're together.
I am always so skeptical about everything he tells me. Maybe it's because I know some things about his past that we've never talked about. I already liked him when he was dating that someone, so at that time, our friends would tell me certain bad things that he'd done before in an effort to get me to stop liking him. But everyone's got history, right?
Now he keeps his past to himself and never opens up about it completely. I ask him about certain things even though I already know the answers to most of them. I just need to know that he trusts me and is willing to let me know anything.
He doesn't lie to me.. most of the replies were completely honest, but sometimes he would only tell me half of it...which I can't count as lying. I tried to ask more, but he says that he doesn't like talking about the past because what is done is done and there is nothing anyone can do about it. That shut me up.
I don't like to burst his bubble and bring it up myself if it's something he doesn't feel comfortable talking about, especially if it's only in the past. But at the same time, I really want him to just be comfortable talking about it because like he said, it's all in the past now.. so why can't he just openly talk about it? Maybe he's afraid that I will judge him differently afterwards.
Should I just forget about it and move on? He does reassure me a lot, but I just feel like I need his history to be cleared before I let him further build his credit. Am I thinking too much or should I get to the bottom of it so I can feel more secure?
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Comments (89)
Tell him how you feel about if. Maybe even that you all ready know the stuff you do and that you're still with him because you've made that conscious decision.
If not then that's that.
How can you move on when you don't know what it is?
Maybe one or both of you aren't grown up enough to be open and honest about yourselves. For some folks, keeping a certain distance is best. And some folks are willing to settle for that.
But a fully-realized long-term relationship should aim for some agreed upon standard of full honesty. Graphic details about the orgy in college can probably be skipped. If you know you're probably not going to marry him, then, sure, drop it.
You have very good reasons to find out more about the stuff he's hiding. And his excuses for hiding, are just that - excuses - and don't really address your reasons why it should come out into the open. On the other hand, you don't want to press too hard. Take it a step at a time until he opens up.
You're being shady too if you're not letting him know that you actually do know some things about his past. I agree with him- what's done is done and there's no way he can change it. People make mistakes and then learn from them. I think you should accept his wish to privacy.
What's done is done. If he doesn't want to share with you, then don't pry and push him.
I think you're looking for validation...knowing that he won't lie to you. You're just in denial. You already know things about his past and still asks him about it.
Stop prying it out of him and let him be. When he's really ready to tell you, he will. For now, just let him live in the present.
There are histories that you may need to know like sex history or whatever from his past, but all the other stuff, leave it alone until he's ready to share.
His past is his...it is none of your business.
Your little games to find out about it, and to see what he'll tell you are nothing short of childish and deceitful.
You are a dirty smudge on girlfriends everywhere.
Grow up.
It's understandable that you would want to know more about your boyfriend's past-- but if you keep nagging him about it (and I'm sorry, but even if you don't see it as nagging, he does) then he is less likely to open up to you.
Don't look so far ahead in the future; be happy with the relationship you have now with him. After all, you mentioned he was very assuring. He cares about your feelings, so now it's your turn to respect his.
Let it be. I'm sure, if the relationship wills it, he will tell you about his past. Just don't let your insecurities override your compassion.
Don't bug him about it. Really, it's his business. If you want to build up trust for him, start from the present, not from the past.
What kind of stuff is it that you want him to tell you? Does it have anything to do with you? If not, then it's irrelevant...but really, since you say you already know about it, you're the one who needs to tell him that, and then tell him that the reason you're nagging about his business is because you want him to trust you. Who knows, maybe he's not ready to open up yet. In that case, leave it alone. Bugging him about it will just annoy him.
I haven't told my girlfriend much about my past either. Sometimes its because I'm ashamed of things that I've done and would rather not talk about it. Mostly its because it really doesn't matter anymore. My past is exactly that, mine, and in the past. I would tell her little things if it pertains to the conversation, but I don't see a reason to go in depth and tell all.
You're insecure, and I can understand that feeling. Partly that's because we both probably have trust issues and that's something we just have to get over on our own. If he's never done anything to deem him untrustworthy, then cut him a break and enjoy the moments that you do have together.
proceed with caution. i had an ex that told half truths anytime it had to do with his female relationships. i finally called it quits since i didn't trust him. after we broke up, he kept in touch with me even though he was dating someone else...and he continued to send me nostalgic e-mails and invitations to dinner and drinks. i cut him completely out of my life because it sickened me to think that this is what he was doing when we were together. i feel sorry for the gal he's dating now. but if you love him and truly believe that everyone has a past (and it has remained in the past), then let it be. hopefully, this isn't a long distance thng. good luck.
Do you really want to know the full truth? What happens if there are things in his past that you can't handle or accept about him? What if he's done things that make you question everything about him, even how much he cares for you? Do you really think you're ready to deal with all of that and then some and still be willing to be with him?
Some people just don't like to talk about the past. My boyfriend doesn't know a lot of most of my past, partly because he doesn't ask, partly because he's smart enough to accept and recognize boundaries, and partly because I'm smart enough not to bug the shit out of him about his past (because I, too, recognize, accept, and understand boundaries). We don't hide things from each other, but we have no desire to live life as an open book for the other to rifle through at will. Sometimes the reasoning is as simple as something that you just have no desire to talk about anymore, and sometimes the reasoning is complex beyond understanding. Sometimes memories hurt, whether they are an old, healed wound or something that barely has a scab to stop the figurative bleeding.
Stop trying to pry because it's only going to make him resent you in the long run. If you were so curious about his past, you should have asked before you started dating, when you two were "best friends". It can be harder to talk about certain things with significant others as opposed to close or best friends.
One day, he may or may not be ready to open up. Until then, can your curiosity and grow up. Concentrate on the here and now, not the past or future.
acceptance is the best.
you wanting to even know his past, just means you still live in yours.. Get over it. It's his future you want, right?
If they're things that he's ashamed of or that upset him, why in the world would he WANT to talk about it? Unless they're relevant to you, I don't think you need to know. Focus on the present --is there anything about his behavior NOW that dissatisfies you? If not, then why does it matter what he did before? If he wants to talk about it, he'll tell you. Some unpleasant things do not need to be rehashed.
Now, if these are things that are relevant to you --e.g. he has an illegitimate child or herpes or bipolar disorder, etc --then it makes sense to want to know.
Yah, just leave the poor guy alone. You said you know some of what he did. Do these things cause you to question him in anyway? The things he'd done couldn't be that bad because you knew about them and still dated.
It sounds like he's not the only one who isn't being completely honest. You need to decide for yourself if you can deal with the things in his past. If you can, then maybe you should just accept the fact that he wants to move on with his life and that you should, too. It doesn't sound like he's trying to be dishonest with you, it just sounds like he doesn't want to talk about those things anymore.
From what little I know from this entry, I really don't think that you have anything to worry about.Â
Most of the time, when you start a relationship, a guy only shows you the person he WANTS to show you, who he wants to BE when he's with you. Which, in some cases, means that he's not always being completely himself, because he's not showing all of his flaws.
That could be a problem, or you could just let it go and be with a person who doesn't trust you enough to show you everything about him. I think maybe you should tell him how you feel and see how he reacts and if he does start telling you more about his past.But that's probably a weakness to him.You can't blame him for not wanting to tell you about it.it doesn't seem like you've been together for very long, so i think you should drop it for now. as the relationship progresses, you'll find out more about each other. that's what happens when you've been together for a while. you learn new stuff about your partner all the time. i've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years and he's still telling me things. don't push it! it seems like you really like him and it'd be unfortunate if it caused you two to split up.
My husband did the same thing when we got together....but later I found out that there was nothing really worth hiding. He just doesn't like "looking back"...it's weird I know, but you have respect. And if you already know, then why push? Just because he doesn't feel like telling you every little detail of his past doesn't mean he doesn't trust you...he just doesn't really want to remember it/relive it.
If it bothers you that much talk to him about it...that is all i can tell you to do.
Blessed Be
sometimes ignorance is bliss.. & one day maybe he will open up and tell you everything from his past.. from my own perspective and experience... some things from the past are more painful and don't want to be talked about. some things better left alone.
He's right, leave the past in the past. you shouldn't worry about it until it shows up at your front door. Sometimes you think you want to know everything about someone but when you actually do you can't help but look at them differently, even if what they did happened before they met you. Especially when it comes to your man's past relationships/women he's fucked. I don't want to know who my boyfriend has fucked unless I meet them, so that I can handle it and not seem ignorant or oblivious. But I believe for the most part you are better off not knowing, its not like him telling you is going to change anything, it shouldn't change the way you both feel about eachother.
Just be careful, sometimes you learn things that you could have lived without knowing.
Xo
As they say on Loveline, sometimes it's better to have "more mystery about the history." I'm paraphrasing, of course.
Some things he really might not want to share because they make him uncomfortable. If it's not that important that he tell you, then maybe it's for the best. There are other ways for him to show you that he can trust you, right?
It's his past that you don't need to know about. Sometimes it's better to not know.
Pressuring him to talk about things he is not comfortable talking about will only push him away. My question is how long have you known each other/dated? My boyfriend and i live as husband and wife, and have been for nearly 4 years. It has only been in the last year that i have completely let him into everything about me and my past. It helped us to grow closer because the bond was already there. Just be careful... your curiosity could kill the relationship.
He may not feel comfortable divulging all the info not because it's bad, but because it makes him feel embarassed. There are certain things about my past that I prefer not to let out even to my closest friends simply because it stirs up painful emotions and moving head-on into the future was my way of moving forward. Unless it looks like he's trying to hide a skeleton in the closet then I wouldn't worry about it, he might just be doing it for personal reasons.