This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.There's this guy at school that is really obsessed with me, though it just started out with a little crush. I need advice on how to confront him or just advice on how to deal with it, so please comment.
Here's the story:
At the beginning of this school year, one of his friends came up and told me that he liked me. Honestly, not being mean or anything, he's a guy that will probably never have a chance with me. At first it was just a crush and I thought it was kinda cute, but then it got worse. Every time I stood up and he was around, he would stare at my butt. I know that's normal for guys but still, it's part of my story.
We are both in eighth grade and members of the high school band. Well, at the games we get the third quarter off to do whatever we want, and he'd take that time to stalk me every game. He and his friends would follow me and my friends around, which made me really uncomfortable. He also gets his friends to ask me out over and over again or he'll ask me himself; when I say no, he begs me to change my mind and asks why I won't just go out with him. After the football games, when everyone would go into the band room to put the instruments away, his friends would purposely push him into me in a way that I didn't feel comfortable with.
Also, when he found out that I was a basketball cheerleader, he tried out for basketball even though he had never played before - just to try to impress me and watch me cheer. He didn't make the team, but he comes to all the games. He also watches me like a hawk during class, and it really annoys me. It goes on way further than this, but I don't want to delve any deeper.
How can I deal with this or confront him? My friends have confronted him before, but he still hasn't listened. I realize that I might have to say something to him myself, but I don't even know how to start, let alone have a complete conversation to finally end this creepiness.
Comments (63)
if you havent already made it obvious, tell him that you dont see him that way and that its a waste of time because you would be forcing yourself to like someone that you dont and you would resent him later.If you had lead him on, even if in the beggining, tell him upfront.
Then tell him how much this has been bothering you, that if he does keep it up, youll have to go to authorities wiether a principal then police for harrasssment charges.
If he does keep it up, its up to you to act on your words.
Be mean. Tell him bluntly that you're not interested, and you never will be interested. Tell him something to the effect that him constantly trying to get you to go out with him is disgusting. If that doesn't make him quit, you need to go to the school principal, or any number of teachers. Him being pushed into you counts as sexual harassment, him not leaving you alone when you've already tried to make him leave you alone numerous times counts as general harassment, if not more.
If, once the teachers have tried to make him quit, along with you being mean, he continues to be like this, knee him in the groin. That's all I can think of, sadly. He can't be persistent enough to keep after you after the knee to the groin, though..
Tell him to F off. Straight to the point (: my guy friend told me thats the only way to really get it through to the guy.
I was nice to this guy at school, and than he started crushing on me, always staring and trying to talk to me. We have uniform at our school right and we're suppose to have our second button buttoned. I purposely left it unbuttoned not being a skank or anything...it didn't even show anything. Than the guy comes up to me and goes button up your button! and another time I wore a bra where the straps go around my neck and he came right up to me pointed to my neck and went "aren't you embarassed ?!" = ____ = '||
Tried ignoring him, he just tries harder to get my attention....so yeah wouldn't advise that? haha
Good Luck to you ^^
@sk1nnyxx@xanga - I believe I was on the other end of a situation like that (the one doing the IM-ing). Problem was, the girl made it a habit of saying "don't worry" before blowing up one day with an "unpleasant" facebook wall post.
Apparently talking consistently went from being a good thing, to horribly, horribly, wrong. (she ALSO just "happened" to hook up with someone a few days afterward, @_@)
Being nice first MAY be an option, but don't send any false signals, and if he bugs you, don't return conversation with many words.
@simply_complex_lies@xanga - "Tell him to F off. Straight to the point"-- pretty much. Subtlety is lost in certain situations
@Bretagne89@xanga - I agree.
From what you've said, it kind of sounds like he could be just an awkward teenager with a crush, but if that other stuff involves him touching you, then you need to go to an adult, preferably one you trust, within the school.
If he isn't touching you and you decide to wait it out for awhile, go to an adult the SECOND he starts getting aggressive. Like if he is cornering you, threatening you, following you outside of school (like at the mall or on your way home), finding ways to be alone with you, etc, that is entering into dangerous territory and it's not long after that that he will snap and very likely hurt you. Go to an adult immediately if that becomes the situation.
@theacematt2@xanga - YES! I 100% agree with that.
I made the mistake of talking to him a lot. I've known him for a long time (since middle school at least) and when he started talking to me, it just seemed like he wanted to catch up since we didn't talk for years.I guess he thought that because I was talking to him, I liked him and he admitted that he liked me. I told him that I didn't think we would work out because I go to school over 200 miles away. He apparently did not get the message that I wanted nothing to do with him relationship-wise.
To make a long story short, "theacematt2" is right, don't lead him on at all and tell someone ASAP!!
1. If you haven't told him to stop it, then be polite but firm, and ask him to please leave you alone. Put your foot down, but don't be rude about it. You don't know what kind of emotional response you might get. If you're rude, and he's not emotionally stable enough to handle rudeness from the girl he thinks he's "in love with" then matters could become worse. Early teenage years for anyone is confusing enough. However, see step three if things are worse than an over emotional teen-aged boy overdoing it.(You won't say what he's done, but you hint that something worse is going on)
2. If you've tried to tell him, and he hasn't stopped, then go to a trusted adult authority in your school. a teacher, safety officer, principal, vice-principal, or counselor.
3.If he has sexually molested or harassed you, or done anything of a sexually oriented nature, such as spying on you in the locker room, or if he has followed you home, or has been peeping though your window at night (or any time, for that matter), skip step one, and go straight to the authorities, young lady. If anything of this sort is going on, he needs to be straighened out, pronto.
he may very well NOT be dangerous and just a bit awkward, given his age.
but that doesn't mean you need to put up with being treated in a way that makes you uncomfortable. i was in one or two similar situations (one when i was around your age and a more serious one when i was in college) and the WORST advice is for you to just be nice and hope he grows out of it. i very much resent having been made to feel that not hurting his feelings were more important than me being creeped out all the time. i don't think you need to ruin his life or anything (yet, unless he DOES turn out to be dangerous or just can't take no for an answer) but he needs to be made aware that "no means no" and if someone has asked him to stop a certain behavior then he needs to knock it the hell off.
"when i say no he begs me to change my mind and asks me why i just won't go out with him."
it sounds like you've made your denial of him as a bf pretty clear; i'd say the time for messing around is over.
i'd give him a warning: "look, i'm getting fed up with this. you've asked me out, i've said no- that settles it. i need you to stop following me around and bugging me about dating you, because it's not going to happen and if you don't back off i'm going to talk to the principle or guidance counselor or whoever i need to." if this doesn't work and his behavior doesn't change, follow through and go talk to an adult you think will listen.
i think when the bigger issues (him following you around and begging you to date him) are solved the littler irritations (him staring at you in class, coming to all the basketball games, etc.) will likely disappear as well.
one more thing: do NOT have this conversation in private. because if we're wrong and he is a psycho (and unfortunately women in this society have to be on guard for that 24/7), a private meeting would be just the right place for him to lose his mind and do God knows what with no one around to help you. so maybe do it in a place like the cafeteria but not necessarily within earshot of everyone. on the other hand, if you talk to him and he continues to pester you and you feel like you need to take it to an adult, it may be helpful to have one other person who can corroborate exactly what you said to him at the time- maybe one of your friends close enough to hear but not to be intrusive? i dunno.
hope this helps. good luck.
:)
Giving him a chance wouldn't hurt right?
But again it's your choice.
Sometimes that one person who's willing to keep on fighting for your love turns out to be the someone you can spend the rest of your life with, happily.
On the other hand you can just tell him, no matter what happens, your answers will always be no, and that he can stop, because friends aren't like that.
Do not do it alone, sit down with a teacher, or a superior that YOU trust. You need someone in authority to see that you are telling him to back away. If this doesn't work do NOT be afraid to bring it to the police. Write everything down and make sure you are specific about times, places, events, and what happened. The more evidence that you have, the better it will be no matter what you do...
and honestly if you sit down with specifics with a teacher, or school dean, he might actually realize that he is doing it and how badly.
Also do your parents know what is going on? If not, it would be wise to tell them that it is going on, and let them know that it makes you uncomfortable. I would also say that you should tell them details.
I will emphasis the two main points again though1) have solid, specific proof and details2) sit down with someone in authority first, and then go to the authorities if that doesn't work
confront him yourself. don't have your friends do it. thats stupid. he needs to hear it from you. if he only hears it from your friends it wont make that big a difference at all.
I have trouble with crushes a lot, fed pretty much exclusively by the visual rather than knowing anything about her. Usually once I move into the get-her-out-of-my-head phase, it's way easier once I've learned something not cool about her. Find out something about him that he hates, and then try to embrace that subject so that he'll be torn between hating that and liking you. It'll be much easier for him to let go, then later, when you drop the bomb that, hey, get lost ^_^
er. get a bf or some guy who would like totally protect you from him, like a brother to threaten him or something iono
but that may cause mroe drama if he is persistent