This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.There's this guy at school that is really obsessed with me, though it just started out with a little crush. I need advice on how to confront him or just advice on how to deal with it, so please comment.
Here's the story:
At the beginning of this school year, one of his friends came up and told me that he liked me. Honestly, not being mean or anything, he's a guy that will probably never have a chance with me. At first it was just a crush and I thought it was kinda cute, but then it got worse. Every time I stood up and he was around, he would stare at my butt. I know that's normal for guys but still, it's part of my story.
We are both in eighth grade and members of the high school band. Well, at the games we get the third quarter off to do whatever we want, and he'd take that time to stalk me every game. He and his friends would follow me and my friends around, which made me really uncomfortable. He also gets his friends to ask me out over and over again or he'll ask me himself; when I say no, he begs me to change my mind and asks why I won't just go out with him. After the football games, when everyone would go into the band room to put the instruments away, his friends would purposely push him into me in a way that I didn't feel comfortable with.
Also, when he found out that I was a basketball cheerleader, he tried out for basketball even though he had never played before - just to try to impress me and watch me cheer. He didn't make the team, but he comes to all the games. He also watches me like a hawk during class, and it really annoys me. It goes on way further than this, but I don't want to delve any deeper.
How can I deal with this or confront him? My friends have confronted him before, but he still hasn't listened. I realize that I might have to say something to him myself, but I don't even know how to start, let alone have a complete conversation to finally end this creepiness.
Comments (63)
Unless he's making sexual advances at you, really all you need to do is go up to him, yourself, and tell him off. If he is trying to instigate sexual contact between the two of you, then I would go to a teacher that knows both of you first, like the band teacher, and then go to a guidance counselor or assistant principal if it continues after that. There's no reason to get so worked up since you're both 14 at the max.
Part of growing up is having hormones starting to course through your body. That'll make boys take notice of girls, women, and other males. It'll make girls take notice of boys, men, and other females. It's not a huge deal and this kid's crush on you will probably run its course and then be forgotten.
Just one word of advice for you, honey. Don't put yourself above other people. You are no better than anyone else, and believing yourself to be can make you seem like the "worse" person in some peoples' eyes.
Tell him outright that he's creepy. This actually worked with a stalker of a roommate and I.
She went off on him on how his behavior was totally unacceptable and was freaking everyone out - with his overall creepy behavior. And he left us alone.
haha.
you should just be blunt about it. if he does it again just say "you are getting really creepy". and if he gets mean afterwards or pushy. talk to your dean or principle. even a teacher could help. have you talked to your parents about it? he could be doing things just because he's a young but if you feel uncomfortable by all means you should do something about it. he needs to learn that that's not the right way to treat a girl.
Straight up tell him he's too immature and that this isn't a movie so whatever he keeps on trying to do he won't win you over. If you gotta alert your parentals and if that doesn't do anything then tell his parents.
tell a teacher, parent, or other authority.
He's probably going through a stage in his life where he doesn't know how to approach girls. Tell him to stop stalking you. Be straight up with him. You don't want a creep following you around lol.
"I'm sorry but you're making me really uncomfortable. If you want me to ever like you, this is NOT the way. Stop doing this please, otherwise I will be forced to report this to the school. kthnxbi"
Don't talk about it to the school, that'd be lame. Nor will it do anything to deter him. You're a cheerleader? Get someone on the basketball team to beat the shit out of him. Seriously. That or confront him and give him every single reason why you will never date him. If you have already tried this approach, be really nice to him and he'll get bored with you. You can also start dating one of his friends. Or throw one of your ugly friends at him. So many options!
But what you're describing isn't stalking. Until he comes to your house blasting a boom box john cusack-style, it's not stalking. Don't rule out that it might be his friends that are making him an annoyance for you. If so, hire the basketball team to destroy all of them. Then tape it and put it on youtube. Can't go wrong.
Should probably tell the school faculty.
I think everyone's pretty much gotten it right. If he really annoys you, next time just say, "Look, LEAVE ME ALONE!" to try and scare him off. It sounds mean, but you have to crush his spirit if you want him to go away, because it seems like he's really persistent. If that doesn't stop him, just tell a teacher or administrator, someone who has authority at school.
Haha. So many WOMEN replying. Kinda depressing to know this many girls know how to turn a guy down x].
First thing I thought about was telling the Principal. It's obviously sexual harassment and you can get your friends to vouch for you. It gets him in trouble with people in school AND his parents too (I think).
Guys like that are idiots. Seriously. Lots of guys think they're god's gift to the girls they like. You just gotta shatter that fantasy.
@Liera@xanga - haha agreeed
and for now just tell him straight up like wat xwolfae@xanga said
There are too many assholes like him.
If you want, at first just confront him personally, because if you go straight to the police or principal, he can say that you never confronted him. So confront him first. If he doesn't listen, tell your parents AND the dean or counselor in your school even if your parents tell you not to make a big deal out of it.
Keep in mind, that if he's mentally loose, logic will not work, ergo, talking to him might not work. But you gotta try. You can start carrying a leatherman or pepper spray with you too and just whack it out at him to scare him off. And ask your guy friends to walk around with you.
@splitsecondshot@xanga -
In my school, unless you are on a somewhat personal level with the principal - as in, he actually knows your name [I have 4000 kids in my school] he will not do anything, just say he will. So everyone goes to the Deans.
What I was gonna say, next time he's "in action", that's the best time to go to the Deans / Security Guards /Cops / Etc.
Everybody else gave you some good advice. So I won't repeat it - I'll just add one thing.
make sure you do it now. I had a strangely similar experience when I was your age, and I just shrugged it off and acted nice to him (I've been known to be "too nice for my own good"). Life obviously took us in two different directions, so I thought I was in the clear for a while. But me not cutting him off completely has actually come back to bite me in the ass recently (seven years later).
@tvPUFF@xanga -
Reasons why your advice kind of sucks:
1. "That'd be lame"? I think when you reach the point that you feel uncomfortable and unsafe, you stop worrying about what'd be lame. I think we can all agree that we'd rather be lame than dead.
2. It can actually "deter" him. If you tell the school / dean / etc, they usually make sure you're not in the same classes, and they put the guy in peer mediation / counseling. If he still does what he does, they do probation, then they might kick him out or send him to another school. That's 6-8 hours less he can bother you in school.
3. Not to sound like a hippie, but beating him up will not solve things unless it's self defense. It will only provoke him, and he can tell authorities that he tried to resolve the conflict, she and her friends didn't so they beat him up [it's very easy to be a charmer, especially for guys like him].
4. Telling him that she will never date him is a fact, and somewhere deep down he knows this, his problem is accepting it. If you piss him off, once again, that'll provoke him. Too many girls have gotten sliced and diced by a devoted admirer because she started listing why she'd never go out with him. Being nice is leading him on. Same effect, it'll provoke him.
5. Dating one of his friends...hmm...well, if they're one of his friends, they must pretty similar. That can cause double trouble or double homicide.
So many BAD options.
6. Throwing one of your ugly friends at him? Very nice. I hope I don't have friends like that. I hope she doesn't either.
7. "What your describing is not stalking." You don't know her, and you forget that these posts aren't fully-detailed. She left out a lot of stuff: "It goes on way further than this, but I don't want to delve any deeper."
And please do not insult my or her intelligence by saying that she's over reacting and exaggerating, because once again, you don't know ALL the details.
8. Putting it on YouTube is as dumb as the last group of people who put a tape of someone getting beat up on YouTube.
Not one good idea.
And before you have something to say to me, not only do I study psychology and about guys like him, but I've had friends experience this kind of stuff, and it always always always started out with something silly or insignificant and everyone told them that they're exaggerating. Well, guys like him, rarely ever listen.
This is not personal towards you, I just hate when people, especially guys give advice like this. It's very easy to think like that when you know it won't happen to you. So keep that in mind.
sorry to bust your bubble dear, but at age 13 you do not have an ass that's worth staring at.
this story reminds me of how my crush in 6th grade got creeped out when she found out i liked her. and the sad thing is that i didn't do anything remotely creepy like described in the post...in fact i was too shy to talk to her, lol.
@Cest_LaxVie@xanga - I also study psychology, and actually, girls aren't the only people who get pestered by the opposite sex. Or stalked. Not only that, but I even have friends that are girls! A girl wouldn't leave me alone in high school; I am aware how difficult it is to get through to these people. She did leave a lot of details out, so even though I may agree with most of what you said, some psych classes don't make your generalizations about this supposed stalker true. So, please, don't assume because you're a woman, your opinion is somehow more valid than mine regarding stalking.
P.S. Perhaps you haven't gotten to the sarcasm unit yet in your psych class? I would've thought that the last sentence would have given it away. Sorry you wasted your time writing out that response.
Wow, I have the most similar situation, lol. 8th grade, band, and everything. Just minus the basketball cheerleader because I'm actually part of the team. He's asked for my address and phone number from all my friends, and emailed me non-stop. When I told him to nicely just stop with all this nonsense, he still continued. He even asked me to watch his house while he was out of the country. I hardly knew the guy! After being nice, I just had to go to desperate measures. What I did to make him back off was something I really regretted. I had to really tell him off with some pretty cruel things and a curse word or two. If it comes to the point where he really bothers you and makes you feel uncomfortable, I think it's the only way. I mean, I'm sure there may be other ways to be rid of him, but I just used my way, lol. I hope everything goes well with you!
Oh noes. I'm on the fence here. On the one hand, I want to support you 100% and say how unacceptable he is and do everything to make it stop. On the other hand... you could really cause some problems in his life when he's not being malicious. I'm going to try and skirt the line here.
He is being intrusive. You feel violated. You have a right to attempt to stop him from being intrusive and to protect yourself from him violating you. I also think, though, decency suggests that you should do this in the least harmful way to him possible, since really, there might be no malice in him.
First, decide what specifically is over-the-line. EVERYTIHNG he is doing, you have a right to attempt to make him stop, but it's up to you to deem whether or not it is necessary to make him stop, and how to do so. Him following you around, is this an annoyance but acceptable? Are you willing to deal with it? Him staring at you? Him coming into contact with you 'accidentally'. Him touching you on purpose (whether it be on the shoulder or hand or arm or worse)? Him calling you?
Decide where the lines are when he's NOT around, and understand that when these things happen anyway, HE IS CROSSING THE LINE, wherever YOU have drawn it.
Now you have to act to stop him from crossing the line. I always encourage direct confrontation first, unless you have reason to believe it will put yourself in danger (I don't think so, he does not seem malicious, but if that changes, and it could, then you immediately go to an authority figure!). Tell him in no uncertain words specific things he has done that make you feel uncomfortable and unacceptable and you do not want them to happen again. If/when they happen again, confront him IMMEDIATELY. Children often need to be reprimanded DURING a violation for them to understand. If you continually confront him each time he does something, he will be discouraged from doing so again in the future. He'll learn to associate his action with your reprimand.
If this doesn't work... then you should go to your parents, teacher, or other adult authority figure and tell them what you have told us. You needn't feel ashamed for doing what you must to protect yourself.
If you aren't comfortable, tell someone like a parent so they can inform the school. He doesn't sound very dangerous at all, like an actual stalker, he seems just kind of like a clueless kid. Then again, who knows, so if you really don't like it and he doesn't get the hint and won't back off then tell someone. Otherwise, just ignore it and wait for him to grow the hell up lol.
That's not stalking, that's immaturity.
Have a conversation with him and tell him that his actions, and those of his friends, are bothering you. Do it in private, and do it nicely.
it actually happen to me before the guy would just stare at me n he got the same hair cut as his friend bc he hear me talking about how much i like his friend will anyway in the end i talk to him n he was very understanding i hope dat work
tell your dad. or older brother. or uncle.
if you're uncomfortable talking about this to your family, go talk to the teacher and vice principal
or you can just kick him in the balls.
Be very blunt and direct with him.
"I don't care for you in that way, so please stop bothering me."