Wednesday, 07 January 2009
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Separation of Church and Relationships
This is a guest blog submitted by onceuponatime0717.
My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for a year and a half (right now, we've been on for three months). We have just now gotten to the point in our relationship where he'll touch me, but our clothes stay totally on.
This is a big thing for him; he's always asking me if I'm okay because he dated a girl who cornered him into a lot of stuff and got him into a lot of trouble. He always instigates whatever we do; I'm not pushy.
Problem? We're both active members of a church - one that doesn't support that stuff pre-marriage.
He heard something on Sunday about our bodies being a temple to Christ and how we should respect them, so he pulled me aside and said we were going to stop fooling around like that.
I was completely okay with what we had been doing, and so was he until that particular moment in time.
Was he right in telling me that, or am I just being completely selfish in wanting to continue?
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About the Author
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- From: onceuponatime0717@xanga
- Name: Kaitlyn
- About Me: I'm Kaitlyn. Senior, finally. Going to Troy in the fall- major in Elementary Ed. I teach a fourth and fifth grade class at church, and sing in Belle and POD at school. I have an amazing boyfriend, and my friends are the best.
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Comments (80)
As long as it isn't intrusive or harmful to other people, I don't see what the problem is with following your religion's guidelines. I don't personally agree with many Christian ideals for a multitude of reasons (I especially don't agree with a lot of their views on sexuality), but if you're both devout Christians, you might not want to make hypocrites of yourselves.
Different people are okay with different things. It sounds like both of you were on the same page until he changed his mind. I'd say talk to him about how you both feel to make sure there isn't an underlying issue (maybe he's feeling guilty about what he did before) and see if you can reach a compromise. But neither of you should feel pressured to do something you don't want.
Another reason religion is a total load of crap. I'd get him to drop the church and embrace reality. It's really sad to see people stop things in their life due to some absolutely absurd religious practices.
Conviction is conviction.. .if he's feeling convicted about what you were doing, then it's wrong for him. Of course it feels nice and you want to keep doing it, that's what our bodies were made for. Just - not while we are *dating*.
(hugs) it's HARD to live in this society and hold up standards against the world, our desires, and our changing understanding of the will of God.
It depends on your boundaries. Some people don't go past holding hands, some do everything except intercourse. However, you shouldn't define your faith by the boundaries but the purpose of the rules. Personally, I think the farther you go, the harder it is to stop.
I think asking other christians what their boundaries are and talking to a pastor or elder would really help.
And you're not selfish! Good luck with everything!
It seems like you guys aren't exactly on the same page when it comes to following your church's guidelines. I'm not saying you should be forced to follow his convictions. However, someone's going to have to give, somewhere, in order for this to work....
If he really believes that, then cool; I hope it works out for you both. Most likely, it'll blow over. Just make sure that you both agree, or move on.
I think what is the most important is noting the importance of each personal faith in your relationship. When you guys can talk seriously (definitely not in the middle of fooling around or kissing), you should probably discuss what your boundaries are and set the ground rules then. You don't want your relationship to adversely affect your faith (and vice versa). Hopefully, you can both find some sort of middle ground where you can grow together in all aspects of your life.
Good luck! =)
What a cool breeze in the midst of all the sin in this world. To actually hear this man has a conviction about messing around!! You will never regret saving sex for marriage---if more people waited we would have a healthier world. You have a man worth keeping---help yourself and him by staying busy while on dates--do a book study, etc. Please commend him for me!!!!
I would say that he's in the right for following his conviction to not fool around. I mean, really ... what are you going to be missing by not fooling around? You wait and are a good example of Christ? Awesome :)
There are churches that look down on even touching yourself (something about self love and how that's selfish...I'm not even going to go into what I think of that) so really it's up to you guys to set the boundaries. Do you believe you're being selfish? Do you still believe that the boundaries you used to have were okay? What does it mean to you that your body is a temple? If you're okay with one set of boundaries that he's not cool with then it's time to talk.
I believe your boyfriend loves god more than he loves you. Sorry to say.
You can wait til marriage or you can find yourself a boy who doesn't feel guilty about bodily pleasures.
Time for an evaluation of self and an extremely extremely open and honest communication with your bf (and yourself). The key here is to make sure your expectations align and that you're understanding your feelings. How we feel and how we act are often quite different, and that's okay, but you need to accept those things, and so must he. Ie: if you can come to accept that YOU desire things, but the CHURCH, your FAITH, and your BF, desire different things, then you can come to terms with which of those will guide your ACTIONS. In the end, be prepared to not live up to any of those standards, as we often fall short of the expectations of others AND ourselves, whether they know it or not. Open communication and honesty of feelings as well as compromise and balance. Do not pretend you do not WANT to, just because you want other things MORE (to follow the guidelines of your church/faith/bf). Or simply decide that your wants ARE more, and come to terms with not meeting the expectations of your church/faith/bf and they can deal with it as they must. Good luck.
I don't think he genuinely believes that, he just got scared when he heard that in the service. You need to have an open and honest talk with him, sort out your real opinions away from the church when you don't have a pastor telling you what to think/believe, and then see if you both are content with what is resolved and if you both will continue in that relationship.
NOTE: You are not "wrong", "sinful", or anything like that for being okay with 'fooling around'. His beliefs do not necessarily have to be yours, and he is no more right or wrong than you are. You can differ from your boyfriend, and your church, on a lot of things without being damned to hell. As long as you believe Christ died for your sins and you accept the gift of salvation, you're gonna be just fine.
If you're really worried about it, you could try praying. God will make it clear to you what is best for you, even if it is moving on to find somebody else.
@StrawberryShy@xanga - She has a point too, as tough as that may be to accept.
A friend of mine, who hadn't even kissed her boyfriend of two years yet, recently had him break up with her with the excuse that he had to make himself "right with God" and he couldn't do that while still dating her because, apparently, a relationship and religion was too much for him to handle at once.
Obviously, it was a load of crap. He was just using God as a way to get out of the relationship, and I'm afraid your boyfriend may be doing the same thing, especially because you are on again/off again.
Clearly, how much you do, or don't do, in a relationship is no indication of whether you will stay together or how happy you will be. Even within the church, over half of marriages end in divorce.
Personally, I put the owness of "sanctity" on love and not the little piece of paper that says I'm married.
Whatever you decide, good luck hun!
You both want what you want, and there is nothing wrong with that. If he feels it is wrong to have sex before marriage, do you really want to sleep with him knowing it would violate his conscience? Do you want to be in a relationship that won't go as far physically as you would like? Are you willing to wait until you are at whatever point in your relationship he considers it acceptable to have sex, even if that means waiting until you are married to each other?
Those are all questions to ask yourself and take the time to think about what your honest answer to that would be.
But I would say give it a few weeks before you do anything drastic. People don't often permanently change their minds about something after hearing it once. If he believed it was alright before, it will probably take more than one sermon to convince him otherwise.
Hmm, I say talk to you him and tell him how you feel.
you guys aren't touching skin to skin, so I don't think that's so terrible.
but if he isn't comfortable anymore than he just isn't going.
Xo
If he's not comfortable and you love him, why push it? You should be glad he's telling you how he feels.
It's not a good idea to pressure a partner into doing something they feel guilty about doing.
i am a christian. my boyfriend is a christian.
at first we were totally into sexual stuff, nothing bothered us. then we went to church and same thing happened to your boyfriend happened to mine.
he wanted to draw a line and wait til marriage.
but i beleive in God's eyes, we are techically married. because we live together. we do things like married couples does.
i used to be married. but in that marriage, we were never a married couple. this is opposite of what my marriage used to be.
so i believed in our relationship being right with God. sex is suppose to be chosen between two people. not more. if you feel he is the right person and lives with him for the rest of your lives, then i don't see anything wrong with it.
but it is great to hold it off til the right time.
and really, you should consider sexual relationship that invovles GOD... not just between the two of you and lust. that CAN ruin the relationship FAST...
best luck with the three of you...
well,
all i know is the 'deeper' hole you both make for yourselves, the harder it is to get out of it.
what everyone else said, know your boundaries.
The true definition of love includes patience and sacrifice., its not just a 'religious thing'.
if this is how he feels on the matter, i think you shouldn't worry on whether it's "right" or "wrong" that he told you that, just respect his feelings.
@momma2babies34 - in God's eyes you are married when you have a marriage license, not just because you're living together or are going to get married eventually. marriage is a commitment, living together is not.
your relationship with him is just that. Respect and honor his wishes, you would want the same thing of him if you had stopped it.
Maybe he only said that to you while you two were at church. Maybe he felt guilty. Both of you should talk about it and make sure you're both on the same page. There's nothing better than to express your feelings with one another. It'll make your relationship grow stronger once you come to an agreement. Good luck!
I thought you said you aren't pushy. So what you really meant is, you aren't pushy as long as you're getting your way?