This is a guest blog submitted by bananas.My boyfriend is going to study abroad for a semester next year. Initially, when I received this news, I was a bit surprised and depressed about it, but other than the fact that I'd miss him, I was completely fine with it. Going to places while studying in university is a pretty common thing, and I trust that he'll be faithful to me.
Up to this point of our relationship, things have been great. I consider our love to be pretty deep. We're a very compatible couple and we cherish what we have. When we go out, I love how he's the one who pays for everything, even though I knew from the start that he wasn't wealthy or anything.
However, last night he dropped a bomb and told me that he wanted to take a relationship hiatus.
I asked him why he wanted to do that and he said, "I really need to save up.
If I want to go, I need to work twice as much to generate the money. Plus, I won't be able to spend any of it on you, and I don't wanna seem like a cheap, stingy boyfriend."
He's a full-time student (just like I am), so his studies would be an issue that conflicts with the time we'd be able to spend together. There is both a financial situation AND a problem with time.
I told him that I didn't care that he couldn't spend much on me. I suggested that the situation isn't so desperate to the point where we have to take a break. Our deal now is to spend less time together. We'll still talk on the phone, but instead of seeing each other once a week, we may see each other once every three to four weeks. I also suggested that when we ARE able to be together, we find ways to save (that includes going dutch when paying for stuff or bringing food from home).
Ever since I let all this sink in, it made me realize how much our activities involved money. Now that there isn't much of it, we're limited as to what we can do. So how much is a relationship dependent on money? Is money a significant factor in experiencing the ultimate "coupledom"? Are there any alternatives to take if a couple wants to save money and still have fun?
Comments (66)
Your relationship isn't dependent or thriving on how much money he can spend on you. It's based on how you two feel for each other. As long as you two can find ways to have fun without spending money (e.g., movie night, picnics, stuff like that), your relationship will thrive.
I've had girl friends tell me that money is not an issue for them. They are lying to themselves.
Without money, there is no going to movies or concerts or out to dinner. Sure, a long walk in the park can be nice, but she begins to complain that "we never go anywhere" unless I spend money. This has always been true of all the women I've dated over 20 years.
to be truthful he sounds like he isnt caring about u only himself. because if he is willing to just drop u because of money problems i think he doesnt love u through thick and thin. it seems your trying to hold onto him.
maybe hes sayin this to drop this relationship? like an excuse. I dont know your relationship to the full extent but thats how i am seeing it.
money does not run a relationship. me and my boyfriend have roommates and can get low on money but we make the most out of it. when we first moved into together we had a blowup bed and a mini tv. we were perfectly fine spending time watching a movie or just talking bout the future or even just going for a walk. you dont have to go spend all this money to have a great relationship.
my brother and his girlfriend are currently homeless and i cant help him because i have my own issues. he is going from house to house but they love eachother so much its unbelievable. they dont need money to love eachother and make it. obviously.
awww, that stinks! but i be there is more to what he is telling you than meets the eye. good luck!
@bananas - Hey Bananas, I think everyone runs into this situation at some point in time during their dating lives. If he believes that in order to "be the man" he must pay all the time, he's just buying into a male stereotype that doesn't necessarily fit with reality.
Hopefully he will realize that just because he pays for things, it doesn't actually make him more of a man than the next guy. Being a man involves a lot more than just paying for things. If money is the only issue with the relationship, there are plenty of ways you can involve yourselves with activities that don't involve spending a lot of money.
Honestly, the fact that you noticed the inequity is a great first step. It means that you're concerned about your relationship and would like to work through this particular issue. That makes you a solid girlfriend
@bananas - Actually, the reason I didn't answer the questions was because I always assumed the questions on featured posts were added on by the folks at Xanga. I'll go back and read those...
I'm not a big spender. So for me, spending money is not a big part of a relationship. I take walks, ride bikes, cook food or do anything else together that I would also do by myself. So yes, money is spent, say on food, but no more than I'd spend alone.
The only role money plays in relationships for me is just that I wouldn't want to be with someone who was a big spender. I'd assume they're bad with money, even if they're wealthy. Also, if someone always expected me to pay, I would assume they're using me. Like your boyfriend, I wouldn't allow it to happen. I'd expect that money spent at the grocery getting food for those meals cooked together would be split about evenly over time.
Well, if you think about it, a lot of fun things cost money for everybody. Outdoor activities is usually a great alternative for anyone trying to have fun while saving their dollars.
Exercise is a great activity to do with your significant other for several reasons: 1) you get fit and look great for each other, 2) it doesn't cost anything to run or walk, 3) you can engage in great conversations that you may not engage in during other activities...and the list goes on.
My dad once told me, "Women don't realize that men have their pride. When they can't do something that they really want to do, it hurts their pride and they just need some support." So just continue to support him in his goal to study abroad and give him the space he needs to make that happen. And keep reassuring him that despite his lack of funds to treat YOU, his money is not what keeps you happy, it's he himself.
Money issues aside the fact that your boyfriend so readily jumped to the "hiatus" option rather than the "compromise" option should send up a red flag...perhaps there are other issues at hand-like commitment?
For one, I think it'd make sense for him to talk to you about that before deciding on his own. Your opinion matters, too.
For another, why can't you pay completely from time to time? There's nothing wrong with that. He's paid for many things between the two of you date-wise for a while, right? Maybe now would be a good time to kind've give back.
Money shouldn't be something that has the ability to tear a relationship apart, or even make them consider a hiatus. I wouldn't care if my boyfriend and me were dirt broke, I would never consider backing out of the relationship for even a small amount of time due to something so futile. A relationship is only as dependent on money as the people involved allow it to be.
My husband was dirt broke when we started dating, and the tables only turned 1/2 way through our engagement = we were always happy! I paid, he understood, and things were fine. Were there times that I wished he could spend money on me and surprise me with gifts or dinners? Yes. Did I really care about it? No. In fact, it gave each of us a unique view into the other gender's typical role in a relationship, and a deeper understanding and appreciation resulted. We have a great relationship [and now he's making tons more than me and we're still fine with our situation].
If he can't see this, then perhaps it's not really the money he's thinking of.....or his ego is too big, both of which would mean maybe you should want a 'hiatus' from the relationship too to see what else is out there.
There are a lot of things you can do without money. Financial problems are no reason that you shouldn't spend time together. If he wanted to spend time with you, he would make the effort to come up with activities that don't cost much instead of not seeing you.
Hate to break it to ya hun, but he was just looking for an excuse to get some distance from you. He is probably setting the stage to be single, or at least "on a break", when he goes to study abroad, for obvious reasons -coughforeigngirlscough-.
Yous can still spend time together without having to spend money. Maybe something else is wrong but he just doesn't want to talk about it?
@White__Orchid@xanga - Thanks for the insight - makes sense. It sure is something to think about!
When my bf and I started, he was pretty stable with money and he constantly bought me gifts even though I told him not to. However, he quit his job, and for 3 months, his money depleted rapidly. We couldn't do many things, and it put a lot of stress on our relationship because he was always in a bad mood due to his financial and other personal problems. I agree that money does have a large factor in a relationship, but if you really love your guy, it will not get in the way. You just have to hang on until the day it gets better. =)
i was in something like that. but... to me. i had sooo much faith in our relationship. and i knew he did too. but the separation was something big... i wasnt there for him when he needed me to be. so i guess in a way. is he emotionally strong and etc for this separation?
but uh
yeahs youll probably have to work your way around the activities and work.study load
and.. after a while, you will start to think that he;s changing.. or youre no longer part of his life anymore. iono. things to consider.
i dont really believe in distant reklationships anymore
sorry
Take it from me - you don't need much money to have a good times with your bf/f. If you can survive on your own, then you actually save money by being with him and the other way around.